Believing Lies

by Rachel Everleigh

  ME: I miss u too.

  I waited almost three minutes before he replied.

  ADAM: Do you really?

  ME: Yes.

  ADAM: Then why do you still keep pushing me away?

  I didn’t know what to type. My wall was gone. My defenses were shot. Could I risk trusting him? It was such a gamble. If he was playing me, I’d never heal. I didn’t know if I could give my heart to him again, knowing he’d have the power to crush it at any moment.

  I held my phone for over an hour, unable to type a response. Finally, I set it down and closed my eyes.

  ***

  I was in my own personal purgatory. One week had passed since that text. One long week of complete silence. He gave up on me. It wasn’t as if anyone could blame him. I would have given up on me too. I’d pushed him away time and time again, and when he flat-out asked me why I keep pushing him away, I never even replied because the only answer I could come up with was “I don’t know.”

  Sophie and Conner left yesterday morning to visit her mom in Chicago. Being alone with my thoughts sucked, plain and simple. I needed Sophie’s advice and guidance. Although I felt bad intruding on her time with them, I couldn’t stop myself from calling her. She answered instantly, and as soon as I heard her voice, I broke down and confessed all.

  “I can’t keep this up anymore,” I said. “On the day of my ultrasound, you told me to simplify things, and all I’ve done is complicate them further. It’s time to take your advice. I love him, and I just need to trust in that.”

  “Holy crap! Finally!” I pulled the phone back from my ear to save my eardrum from bleeding. “I thought he was being stupid by not calling you or coming over, but I guess it paid off.” Her words were so rushed that they came out as one unbroken string.

  My heart stopped at a dead halt. “What do you mean?”

  “He said you needed time to think.” I could imagine her shrugging as she said it.

  I snorted. “Well, I guess he was right this time.”

  “Are you going to call him?” she asked excitedly.

  I hesitated before answering, “Yeah. I think I will.”

  “Atta girl. Go get your sexy man!”

  I giggled. “Thanks. Bye.”

  “Bye,” she sing-songed.

  I hit End, and froze. I didn’t really want to do this over the phone. I wanted to see him. I wanted to kiss him, and hold him, and never let go.

  I needed to think this through. I could go to his house. It was ten-thirty, but he’d probably still be awake. Then again, he may not even be at his house. It was worth the chance. If he wasn’t home, then I’d call him. I thought about getting myself all dolled-up, and decided against it. I ran a razor over my legs (just in case), threw on a new layer of mascara, and called it good. I had to get there before I lost my resolve.

  ***

  Adam’s porch light was off, but I could see his interior lights were on, so he was probably home. The moment I stepped out of my vehicle, I shook from the bitter wind that whipped my face, and also from the nerves that were whipping my insides at the same time. It was so cold I could see my breath each time I exhaled as I walked to his front door. I gave myself a strong mental nudge, and then knocked on the door. Now all I had to do was wait and pray that he’d be happy to see me.

  I crossed my arms around myself and shivered. I was thankful for my super huge winter jacket, which I’d bought large enough for my stomach to grow into. I looked like a giant white marshmallow, but it was really warm, and that’s all that mattered. With gloved hands, I pulled my scarf higher and my stocking cap lower in defense against the brutal air.

  My teeth began clattering, so I knocked a second time. I heard footsteps coming toward the door. Whew! I was seconds away from becoming a Popsicle.

  The door opened. “Can I help you?” What. The. Fuck?!

  A girl was standing in front of me, wearing only pajama pants and a tiny cami, and had a towel wrapped around what I assumed was wet hair. Black framed glasses covered her bright green eyes. She looked slightly familiar. I couldn’t place the face, but it was a very pretty one.

  Don’t jump to conclusions. Learn from the past. There had to be a logical explanation as to why a freshly bathed girl was answering Adam’s door, right? Yeah, and Hell just froze over. Oh look, a pig just flew by.

  “Um. Is Adam here?” I asked, my insides twisting themselves into knots.

  She looked at me as if I was scum. “He’s in the shower.” Her voice was as icy as the winter air biting me.

  “Oh,” was all that managed to come out of my mouth. I wanted to run, just turn around and never look back, but I needed to confront Adam. “Can I come in and wait for him?”

  Oh my God. I’m asking the flavor-of-the-night for permission to go inside. Wait. Flavors-of-the-night don’t wear pajamas. Flavors-of-the-night get kicked out right afterwards. Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am style. A cold dread came over me, and bile rose up my throat. I was going to be sick. She isn’t a quick lay. Nope. This girl is staying the night.

  Towel girl put her hand out across the doorframe to block me. I looked at her outstretched arm and noticed a splattering of fuchsia pink star tattoos, which started on her wrist and spiraled around her lower arm like a swirled bracelet. It was magnificent. Don’t compliment the bitch, even in your mind. This is the enemy. Grow a pair!

  I brought my attention back to her face, only to find her giving me the best stink eye I’d ever received. “There’s no way in hell you’re getting one foot in this door,” she bit out pointedly and sneered at me further.

  I was no longer cold at all. My blood was boiling in my veins. I was ready to slap that smug look right off her face. “Look here, I have every right in the world to see him, and he sure as fuck owes me an explanation right now.” I was seething, absolutely livid. “So let me by, or so help me . . .” I gritted my teeth.

  The laugh she let out was completely self-satisfied. “Adam doesn’t owe you anything. Now run back to all of your little friends and pass along the word that he’s off the market PERMANENTLY!” She rolled her eyes at me. “Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s fucking cold out here, and he and I have plans tonight. In other words, get your skanky ass off of this porch.” She took a step back and slammed the door in my face.

  I contemplated banging on the door until she let me in, so I could confront Adam face-to-face, but tears and sub-zero weather don’t mix. I barely made it back to my vehicle before my wet eyelids froze shut. I was gasping for breath as I opened my car door, dripping tears onto my lap as I started my Lexus, and heaving as I backed out of his driveway. Too emotional to safely drive, I had to pull over a block down the road.

  I slammed my palms on the steering wheel repeatedly, hurting my hands with the force. How could I have been so fucking stupid? Again, and again, and again no less. My body shook with tremors.

  I pulled off my right hand glove and took my phone out of my purse with shaking fingers. Although I knew this was the last person I wanted to speak with right now, I dialed. Within three rings, there was an answer.

  I took a deep breath. “Mother, I want to move home. I’m on my way now.”

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  “I can’t believe I still have four more weeks left,” I groaned as I slouched further onto Sophie’s couch and put my feet up on the coffee table.

  “Quit complaining,” Sophie playfully scolded. “You’re in the home stretch.”

  “Tell that to the little girl that keeps shoving her feet into my ribs.” As if on cue, the baby rotated and kicked.

  Courtney’s face looked fascinated, yet somewhat mortified. “It’s a little freaky when your stomach starts to shift around.”

  “Tell me about it. It feels even freakier.” I absently began to rub my belly. “I’m just ready to get her out of me. I’m always tired. I have cankles. I look like I’m smuggling a basketball under my shirt. And worst of all, I have to pee all the time.” I was whining, but I didn’t care. At this point
, I felt that I earned my right to whine.

  “But soon you’ll be a mommy,” Courtney gushingly pointed out.

  Sophie let out a sarcastic laugh. “That’s a scary thought. I should start a savings account now to pay for the baby’s future therapy bills.”

  “Hey!” I threw a couch pillow, hitting her head.

  She scowled. “You’re lucky you didn’t spill my wine, butt plug.”

  “I have to push a watermelon out of me, and you’re complaining about wine. Nice.”

  Sophie rolled her eyes. “I have to witness the watermelon pushing. If you ask me, I’ve got the worse end of the deal.” Courtney laughed, and it egged Sophie on. “At least you don’t have to look at my vagina, Sienna. I’m probably going to be scarred for life after I see yours up close and personal.” She jokingly shivered.

  I tried to keep myself from showing her that I thought she was funny. “You don’t have to be in the delivery room. You said you wanted to, remember?”

  She smiled. “You know that I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

  I’d chosen to have my mother and Sophie in the delivery room . . . and also Adam. Having him there would be difficult for me. It had been months since I’d seen him. Hopefully the pain meds I get when I deliver will also numb my heart because seeing him again will surely re-break it.

  “Have you spoken to Adam about the delivery?” It was as if she knew I was thinking about him at that exact moment. This wasn’t the first time either. Sophie had turned into a voodoo witch mind-reader.

  “Kind of. I texted him yesterday, after my appointment, letting him know everything was normal and that she’s healthy. He knows we’ll call him when I go into labor.”

  “I wish you’d tell me why you refuse to talk to him. You know you’ll see him soon. Don’t you think it’s better to see him before the baby’s born?”

  “No,” I snapped, “on all accounts.”

  Courtney sighed loudly. I knew she was sick of hearing Sophie and I go back and forth on the Adam subject. Hell, I was sick of it too. This was one of the main reasons I’d moved back into my parent’s house in January. Sophie was still “Team Adam” and constantly nagged me about why I wouldn’t tell her the reason I went from wanting to get back together to completely avoiding him. I was too embarrassed to admit to her that I’d been played again. That was one painful memory I would never share with anybody. I was beyond humiliated and humbled that night. Adam had me fooled into thinking I was special and that he loved me, and I had been so close to believing him all over again. But when the mystery girl slammed the door in my face that night, she hammered the final nail in the Sienna and Adam coffin.

  I had endured three months of agonizing heartache before I finally hit a breaking point. I ripped out my heart, sewed it back up, and painfully shoved it back into my chest. Despite the huge Adam-sized hole in the middle that was irreparable, I think I did a fairly good patch job. I’d slowly climbed out of the depression I was in, and now I was honestly in a better place. I no longer moped about or spent most of my time sleeping and avoiding life. I started to re-emerge into the land of the living by making time for friends and family. I even started to shave again, so that I no longer had Chewbacca legs. Most importantly, I stopped listening to “Wrecking Ball” by Miley Cyrus after months of playing it loudly on repeat every time I took a shower (I’d convinced myself that crying in the shower was okay since the tears were instantly washed away.)

  “Sienna, I just wish you’d let me in. I have a hard time understanding why you won’t see him, or at least speak to him, if you won’t even tell me why,” Sophie said in a soft voice, then hesitated. “Adam doesn’t know what happened either. He thought you two had made progress.”

  “Nothing happened,” I lied, unable to meet her eyes. Instead, I looked at my fingernails and began picking at the polish. “I changed my mind. That’s all there is to it.”

  “I don’t believe you,” she said, calling me out on my fib. “He misses you so much. I’ve never seen a guy so messed up. You told me on the phone that day that you wanted to be with him. When Conner relayed that information to Adam, he was through the roof happy. I’m talking fucking cloud nine. But before it ever happened, you did a complete one-eighty without any explanation.” She let out a long exhale. “Now you’re at your parents, and he’s living God knows where . . .”

  About a week after I moved out of Sophie’s, Adam moved out of the house he shared with Conner. Conner moved in with Sophie, but no one knew where Adam lived now. All he would tell them was that it was somewhere in the Madison area.

  “Save it, Sophie. I’ve heard the story enough times.” I didn’t try to hide the irritation in my voice.

  “Obviously, you haven’t,” she retorted, sharply. “Just talk to him. It’s not like he hasn’t tried and tried to contact you.”

  He’d called me every day, multiple times a day, during the first week I was at my parent’s. When I didn’t answer or call him back, he resorted to texting me nonstop. When I didn’t reply to any of the texts, he showed up to my parent’s house. He came to my parent’s house three times that first month. My mother answered the door the first two times and turned him away. My dad was there the third time and let him in. I hadn’t told my parents anything other than I thought it was better if we weren’t together and that I didn’t want to see him. My dad didn’t like it, but he honored my wishes. He spoke with Adam for about an hour, while I hid in my room like a coward. Adam had texted me at least twice a week ever since. Most of the texts were that he missed me or asked me to call him. Others had said he’s over me and he’ll leave me alone. Then a day or two later he would text that he’ll never be over me, and he’ll never give up on us. I re-read them over and over again, always a glutton for punishment.

  “He deserves some sort of explanation,” Sophie stated matter-of-factly.

  “He doesn’t deserve anything, and I’m done with this conversation. Either we get going to the movie before we miss the damn thing, or I’m going home. Your choice.”

  “Drop it, Soph. Let’s not ruin the night.” Courtney said, standing up.

  She sighed loudly. “Fine. Just one more thing, and then I’ll hold my peace.”

  Courtney dropped back into the chair dramatically.

  “Karen.” Okay, she had my attention. “She really wants to meet you before the baby’s born. She’s the closest thing Adam has for a mom anymore, and she doesn’t want to meet you for the first time at the hospital. I promised that I’d try to get you to agree to meet her for dinner.” She said it all really fast, in what I assumed was an effort to keep me from interrupting her.

  “Just her? No Adam?” I asked skeptically.

  She shook her head. “No Adam. Conner’s sister, Allie will probably come with though.”

  On the day of the first ultrasound, I had promised Karen that I’d meet her. It was only fair to keep that promise. Plus, if she was going to be a part of my daughter’s life, I probably should get to know her. “Okay,” I conceded.

  Sophie smiled with satisfaction. “Thank you. It will mean so much to her.”

  I gave back a tentative smile.

  Courtney pointed at the clock. “Can we please go to the movie now?”

  ***

  After the movie, we went back to the apartment and ordered a pizza. We were in the living room, finishing our pizza, when Conner got home. He entered the room at the same time Sophie took a bite out of the last piece.

  “Aww, man!” he said as he looked in the empty box and plopped down on the sofa. Sophie handed him the rest of her piece, and he smiled like she had just given him a million bucks. “Thanks, Babe,” he said to her and took a huge bite.

  “You’re welcome. Sorry there’s not more. I would have gotten a second pizza if I’d known you were coming back so early. I thought you and the guys were all going to The Turning Point.”

  Conner grumbled, “I thought so too, but Drake and I decided to call it a night.” He looked at me and
Courtney, seemingly weighing his next words. “Adam and Zach were being douches, and their pity party got to be too much to take.”

  Courtney had started dating a guy named Max a couple weeks ago. He was really good looking, with an athletic build. He was also fairly nice, though a bit on the dimwitted side. She admittedly was using him as a rebound and had even told this to him directly. Max may have been let in on the whole rebound, short-term idea, but Zach clearly had not been. From what Conner told us, Zach was jealous—big time. Why he wouldn’t just man-up and date her was beyond me. He was a classic case of a commitment phobic. The old saying goes: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Well, Courtney cut off the milk supply in December, and Zach was still dragging his feet about whether or not he was ready to buy the cow yet. Hold the phone. Am I really comparing dating Courtney to buying a cow? Old saying or not, someone should come up with a better analogy.

  Courtney scoffed. “If you’re insinuating that Sienna and I are the cause of their moping, then all I can say is good.” Conner’s shoulders slumped. “Zach has plenty of other little fuck buddies to keep him busy. If he wants a relationship, he knows where to find me.”

  Conner looked at me, “Are you going to throw in your two cents?”

  “Leave me out of this, and I’ll give you a dollar.”

  He chuckled. “I see you’re still being evasive.”

  “Yep, and you and Sophie are still being persistent,” I retorted.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Thank the Lord that Sophie and my mother cared so much about fashion and shopping. Between the two of them, they’d stocked my closet with comfortable, yet very fashionable and flattering, maternity clothing. I may have felt like a beached whale, but I had to admit that I looked pretty nice in the pale pink, short-sleeved sweater dress and dark gray leggings I had on today. The dress was form fitting in all of the right places, so that I still looked fairly thin. Well, everywhere except my large belly. I threw on a pair of black ballet flats, gray and black bracelets, and my diamond stud earrings from Christmas. I went to the bathroom and curled my hair and applied my makeup. This was the prettiest I’d felt in months.