Become

by Ali Cross

  “You know? Marcus from homeroom?” She pointed to the tall, skinny guy standing on the floor by the band. The guy with his own personal Shadow groupies.

  “He’s the band leader, and so not the athlete. Mandy’s his complete opposite. Then again, opposites attract, right?” She jabbed me with her elbow, laughing at her bad joke.

  “Huh,” I managed. It made sense to me now—people sold their souls for worse things than love.

  I glanced at Michael and found his warm brown eyes staring right back at me, like he’d been waiting for me to meet his gaze. Everything fell away, the noise, the crowd, even Miri. It felt like nothing in the world stood between us. Miri said opposites attract but . . . I doubted that applied to angels and demons.

  I forced my eyes away and felt a piece of my heart break. I was pathetic—so much like the sinners in Hell who pined away for what they could never have. I loathed everything about them, the way they let want define them, rule them, consume them. Yet here I sat, letting myself get taken in by Michael’s familiar eyes, his smell, his touch.

  I stood, planning to take off, just at the same moment the crowd roared and lunged to their feet—and I was trapped.

  After the rally, the crowd surged out of the gym and hurried to their lockers before jetting out the doors, heading for a brief respite at home before the game later on.

  “Hey, you guys going to the game tonight?” Michael asked, his hands deep in his pockets as he waited for me to answer.

  “No—”

  Miri bounced on her toes. “Yes! We wouldn’t miss it for anything.” She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and squeezed. I hadn’t missed that she’d said we. “You coming?” And stupid, stupid me actually held my breath as I waited for Michael’s answer.

  Rather than look at him, I glanced at Miri, her blue eyes sparkling. Not for the first time I wondered how she could ever think or feel that she wasn’t important. She was completely important. Completely likeable. Completely unlike me.

  Before he committed, Michael said, “So you’re coming?”

  “Oh. No. I don’t think so.” I needed a break from all this torture, this press of people, this belonging I shouldn’t feel. No way did I want to go through it again tonight.

  “Come on,” he insisted, putting his arm around my shoulder and shaking me a little. “It’ll be fun!” I concentrated on breathing—and on stopping the pleasant sizzle Michael’s touch brought to my skin.

  I looked from Miri to Michael, trying to make up my mind—trying to figure out how to get out of it, when Michael said, “I’ll pick you up around 6:30, ’kay?” Then he asked Miri, “How ’bout we swing by and get you right after?”

  “Um. You don’t know where I live so . . . ” I tried. But Michael wiggled his eyebrows at me.

  “The invitations, ’member?” I felt heat creep into my face.

  “Okay,” I finally caved.

  “’Kay,” Michael said, before bopping his head and walking away.

  “Ohmigosh! He totally likes you! This is going to be awesome!”

  “Yeah,” I said, shoving my locker door closed. “Awesome.”

  chapter eighteen

  I had no idea what to wear to a football game. I stood facing the mirror, modeling my umpteenth outfit. I finally opted for jeans (my own), a plain black T-shirt (one of the non-Lucy approved items) and my high-top black Chucks (decorated by Aaron in silver Sharpie). Freak, I thought. I looked like Aaron and that’s what everyone called him. Perfect.

  Before the image of Aaron faded from my mind, the doorbell rang. With one more glance at the mirror, I grabbed Miri’s sweatshirt and left my room, not even checking to make sure it was locked behind me.

  Michael couldn’t be alone with James. Or Daniel. Or both. I practically flew down the stairs.

  He stood on the doorstep, the front door wide open. Daniel leaned against the doorframe, his arms crossed. The tension in the air was palpable—even from my place halfway up the stairs.

  For a second I froze, my blood turning to instant ice.

  What I imagined: Aaron, his shoulders bowed under Daniel’s gaze.

  What I saw: Michael, the Halo of golden wings spread wide behind him, glittering in the porch light. I was certain Daniel couldn’t see them, but I could. How can I have a Gardian on my doorstep?

  Daniel laughed, and from his tone and demeanor, it was clear he was laughing at Michael, not with him. For his part, Michael seemed seriously on edge. His thumbs were tucked into the back pockets of his jeans, but he kept shifting his weight from one foot to the other. He looked like a circus lion that obeyed the rules of the ring against all his natural instincts. It startled me to sense the seething strength boiling within him—he felt every bit as powerful as Akaros, and I wondered if he could be as deadly. What would happen if you pushed an angel? What would happen if someone stood in his way?

  I ran the rest of the way down the stairs, flew past Daniel and, grabbing Michael’s hand, tugged him from the house and toward his huge, white pickup. I had the passing thought that Michael was like a knight in shining armor come on his white charger to save me—except, if that’s what he had in mind, he’d be sorely disappointed. I wasn’t the one in danger. He was.

  “Have a great time, kids!” Daniel called in a singsong voice. “Don’t keep her out too late, son.” Michael grunted, but after a quick glance at me, he waved and smiled back.

  I almost told him it didn’t matter. That no matter how we might play at this thing between us, it wouldn’t be allowed to continue.

  He helped me into the truck with measured movements and downcast eyes, drove quickly down our lane and out onto the main road. He struggled with his breathing, trying to get it under control. The surge of power I’d sensed in him slowly waned as we made our way to Miri’s house.

  I almost told him we should skip the game, skip regular life for the night, because after tonight there’d be nothing left. And I mean, nothing. Because Father wouldn’t tolerate me having any kind of relationship with Michael.

  I almost said all these things, and more, but instead, I said nothing.

  Five minutes later I stood in Miri’s driveway, trying to make sense of the cheery yellow-painted cape cod house with what I knew of Miri’s home-life. Namely: there wasn’t anything cheery about it.

  “I don’t know if I can do it,” Miri said. Her eyes were glued to mine like she was trying to use her super skills to convince me to skip the game. But she didn’t need super skills to get me to agree.

  Except, Michael had different plans. He opened the half door to the back seat and gestured to Miri. “Come on, Mir. James’ll want to see you there.” I whipped my head around and narrowed my eyes.

  “They broke up.” I spat the words like a weapon, but it didn’t faze Michael. In fact, he smiled brighter. “What are you up to?”

  Michael merely smiled and shrugged in this totally annoying, totally adorable way. I folded my arms and prepared myself for a stand-off.

  He turned around and took a step until he stood so close to me my arms touched his chest. “Don’t you know?” His lips smiled, but his eyes were dead serious. “Love is a powerful thing. Love can change even the worst of us.

  “Come on Mir.” Michael reached for Miri and helped her into the truck, but I still stood there, my brain shorting out.

  “You coming? Or should Miri be my date for the night?”

  Something in me lurched, even while Miri said, “Oh no, you don’t. You two are meant for each other.”

  Michael leaned across the seat and pinned me with his gaze. “She’s right, you know.”

  But I didn’t know anything.

  As soon as we got to the bleachers, Michael left to get us hot dogs and sodas. The look of schoolboy sweetness on his face when he came back was priceless and made my traitor heart skip a beat. He sat next to me, scooting uncomfortably close. When I glared at him, he gave me that same smile I’d seen at Miri’s—the one that dared me to tell him no. I didn’t say no.
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  The band marched onto the field and I watched in fascination and growing disgust as Marcus led them in a circle around the cheerleaders who were doing this complicated dance-cheer thing. I thought they looked like a bunch of idiots. None of this mattered. Couldn’t everyone see that all of this was pointless?

  The crowd shouted and clapped along with the music—even Miri seemed to have forgotten she wasn’t feeling well. It made no sense to me.

  Michael leaned over. “James is coming.” He nodded his chin toward James who was climbing the bleachers toward us.

  “They broke up!” How hard could it be to understand that?

  “Well, he’s here now.” Michael nodded to James as he got to our aisle. “Come on over,” Michael said.

  Everyone stood so James could make his way into our row. I expected him to at least sit on the other side of Michael, away from Miri, but he didn’t. He stood directly in front of me and Miri and said, “Can I sit here?”

  He sat down before Miri or I could respond. Miri plunked down, her face right up to James’ ear. I sat more slowly, straining to hear what she was saying.

  “What are you doing here? I broke up with you—remember?”

  “I know, bright eyes, I know. But . . . ” James leaned forward on his elbows and rubbed his hands together. He didn’t look at me, didn’t even press his body against mine. Instead he kept glancing at Miri, like he really wanted her to listen to him.

  A seed of doubt sprouted in my mind. Could James have real feelings for Miri? He’d said he did, but it had to be against his nature—like a wolf playing nice with a kitten.

  I forced myself to look at him—really look. And then I saw it. The shadows under his eyes, his hair messy (and not the messy-perfection he normally wore), a T-shirt, board shorts and boat shoes. This wasn’t James’ dress-for-success look. This was James on a Sunday morning when no one was around. This was the real James.

  “Please, M. I want another chance. Please.”

  Miri glanced at me over James’ back. Her eyes formed the question, What do you think? But before I could answer, her eyes changed. She wasn’t looking at me anymore—it was like she was looking far away, but at nothing at all. I glanced over my shoulder to see what might have caught her attention, but when I turned back, her eyes had rolled up into her head and she was starting to shake.

  Just a little tremor at first, just enough to make her slump back into her seat. Within seconds she was full-out flailing.

  James whipped around, placed his hands on her cheeks. “Miri. Miri,” he repeated, softly at first but with growing intensity. “It’s happening again,” he shouted over his shoulder.

  He lifted her into his arms and started to plow past the people in our row. I hurried after him, ignoring the curses that followed from annoyed fans.

  “What do you mean, it’s happening again? What’s happening?” But I knew. I just didn’t know James knew.

  James ignored me, just barreled down the steps and took off at a fast walk across the lawn toward the parking lot.

  “Where are you taking her?”

  Michael caught my elbow in his fingers and pulled me back to match his slower pace. “She’ll be okay.” He nodded forward and I followed his gaze to see James kneeling beside Miri who now lay on the grass. The day was dimming, and the stadium lights had popped on, bathing everything in a soft white glow.

  “She’ll be okay,” Michael repeated. His tone implied such knowing and confidence that I envied him. Oh how I wish I had that kind of faith in myself and in the world around me. I couldn’t trust that anything, let alone Miri, could ever be okay.

  Michael walked me away from James and Miri, toward the side of the school, away from the view of the stadium. His fingers slid down my arm until they found my own. When he slipped his fingers between mine, it was like all my fears, all my doubts and worries, faded away.

  There was only us. We could have been anywhere—or nowhere. And it didn’t matter at all.

  “Hey!” James shouted from across the way. His voice rang with anger and fear, and without thinking, I’d left Michael and his warm embrace and ran to where James had been with Miri. Until a tall man ran past me—with Miri in his arms.

  James came chasing after. “Stop him!” But Michael stood in our way. And he didn’t move.

  “Get the hell out of my way!” James pushed at Michael’s chest, but Michael had at least six inches on James and was a lot bigger. Hauling back his fist, James made to punch Michael in the face, but Michael grabbed James’ hand and stopped the blow mid-air. I didn’t stick around to see what happened next.

  I didn’t know what Michael’s problem was, but Miri was my friend and some strange guy had just abducted her. I left the boys behind, and ran.

  I caught a glimpse of the man, past the walled off section where the trash was hidden from view, just as he stepped through a doorway in the side of the school. His back was to me, but he went in sideways, careful of Miri, whose feet I saw dangling over his arm. The door closed before I reached it. It was locked.

  “What’s going on?” I wheeled on Michael, who’d come up behind me. He had the sleeve of James’ T-shirt balled in his fist, an angry-looking James in tow. “And how could you let him take her? What’s wrong with you?” I shouted at James. I stood mere inches from him, like I’d take him on myself.

  “Desi.” Michael’s voice was low, soothing. “She’s with friends. I swear.”

  I was dangerously close to losing it. I could feel my shadow-self stretching, yearning to be free. I took a step back, and breathed, focusing on counting one, two, three, four, then breathed out, one, two, three, four. I looked at James, and his expression shook my confidence even more.

  James, enigmatic, charming, party boy James had his hair in his fists as he curled into himself. Whatever was with him and Miri, he felt bad enough already without me adding to it.

  I glared at Michael—and I hoped he felt every ounce of my Shadow in my gaze. “Take me to her.”

  After a moment of silence, Michael nodded and walked up to the door. The door that had been shut tight against me, opened easily for Michael, the runes carved over the archway briefly flashing with golden light.

  The spark of goodness within me flared and I found myself following the path the man had taken as easily as if a golden light hovered in the air to show the way. That light was Miri’s and I had to find her. Miri deserved to feel loved, to be safe. To know she was special, that her life was worth fighting for, that happiness was worth living for. She couldn’t be alone, with strangers, at a time like this. I didn’t know what was happening to her, but I did know she couldn’t go to Hell, that Father couldn’t have her. He couldn’t—I wouldn’t let him.

  “Desi,” Michael said, grabbing my arm and pulling me back.

  The feel of his touch, a flicker of heat, made me jump back, suddenly unsure of myself.

  I could hear Miri crying now, from somewhere up ahead. Her tears sang of restrained sorrow, need and regret.

  And here was Michael, larger than life, bolder than Hell, and as golden as the sun—and far too terrifying to face.

  I stepped away from him. One step. Two. I shook my head. I might have said, “No, no, no,” out loud. I was thinking it, anyway. All I knew was I had to get away.

  Suddenly there was just too much. Too much need. Miri who needed me. Michael who needed me. What was I doing? I was the devil’s daughter, I didn’t belong here. I’d survived Michael’s touch today, and I hadn’t burst into a million particles of dust. And I hadn’t been summoned home. But . . . how could I be here—with them?

  Because I wasn’t any of those good things. Just like I knew, when I looked into Aaron’s eyes as he shoved his coat at me on Daniel’s doorstep, that I wasn’t built for love, for being good for anyone. I knew this wasn’t me.

  This hugging-and-comforting-girl.

  This loved-by-an-angel girl.

  Michael held his hands out, open, beseeching. Like he’d done with Akaros in
the garden. I Remembered.

  But oh, I didn’t want to.

  “Remember, Desi,” Michael said, taking a step toward me.

  No. I shook my head. Took a step back.

  “You are this girl.” His Halo grew brighter as he approached until I closed my eyes against the brilliant light.

  No. He was wrong. So wrong.

  I reached for my Shadow—the one thing that would prove to him, forever, just how wrong he was.

  “Remember me.” He’d stopped walking, but his whole body glowed golden. Behind him I saw James, his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide, reflecting Michael’s light.

  I wanted Michael to be afraid of me.

  I wanted everyone to see my Shadow.

  I wanted to rip their hope right out of their hearts.

  “Please,” Michael said, and his word was a commandment, a call to something inside of me that no longer existed.

  I threw my head back and Became.

  I raised my eyes from Michael’s and James’ shocked faces and thought of the crypt. I just wanted to get away, to leave behind all the ways I had disappointed the people I loved—because it was love. For Michael. For Lucy. For Miri. And maybe for James, too. I wanted to get away from everything they expected of me.

  In a flicker of time I reached the exit and threw myself into the sky, every beat of my untrained wings a scream of pain. And every scream fueled my fear and desperation.

  The crypt loomed beneath me and relief flooded my veins. I found the Door and threw myself upon it. I had to get to Hell. Had to get away from the golden warmth, from Miri and the good she elicited in me, from Michael and all I Remembered.

  The ground beneath me cracked, the fissures crawling up the walls until the whole stone building groaned. The cement blocks gave way, my flesh tore from my hands, my arms, but still the Door wouldn’t open. It remained steadfast, impervious to the shattering strength I bore, impervious to my resolve, to my need.

  Again and again.

  I beat against the Door until there was nothing left inside me at all.