His Heart to Have (Cowboys of Whispering Winds)

by Renee Peterson

  “Let’s get one thing straight. Despite what you think, I don’t take those vows lightly. Sham or not, I promised to be faithful to you and that’s what I’ll be. I’m not perfect- why you keep saying that, I don’t know, but don’t ever attack my honor again.”

  “You really expect me to believe you weren’t a willing participant in that kiss?” Allie argued.

  Hell, she was impossible. He released her wrists, only to move his hands behind her head and bring her to him. Pressing their lips together, he kissed her until he felt the last bit of hesitation flee her. And then he kept kissing her until she responded, wrapping her arms around his waist and pulling them even closer. Lost in the softness of her caress, he cursed this passing marriage. Knowing they couldn’t take it further, he reluctantly stepped back, dazed and unsteady.

  “Look at me closely, Allie. Listen to my voice,” he demanded huskily. “This is a man who was just engaged in a kiss he wished to be a part of, to a woman he wanted. Does that answer your question?”

  When Allie didn’t respond, he stooped to pick up his hat that had fallen off sometime during the kiss. Replacing it, he gave her one last look. “I’ll see you tonight at our home for dinner,” he told her and exited the stables, leaving Allie behind him.

  Papers were stacked on his desk. Various memos were scattered around, reminding him of phone calls to return. None of that mattered to him at this particular moment. He could kick himself for kissing Allie and not because it was out of anger. The taste of her ignited a heat that couldn’t be cooled. What if he was wrong? What if that wasn’t love he saw when Allie looked at him and just a physical reaction when they touched? And, what if, at the end of three months, they went their separate ways? Everything in his life would change at that point. He’d take the job at the Triple M- after that kiss, any thought he’d had of remaining at Whispering Winds evaporated. If Allie hadn’t changed her mind in three months, he’d be off to South Dakota.

  The doubts that surrounded him, irritated him to no end. This wasn’t him. All his life he’d made decisions and went with them. He’d always been a firm believer that life had a way of working out the kinks, but this time he wasn’t so sure. Pent up frustration continued to build, giving his body too much energy to remain sitting behind a desk. It was the weekend, anyway any e-mail replies probably wouldn’t be seen until Monday anyway.

  Standing up, he went to look out the window. The view of the stony mountains jutting upward into jagged peaks had always had a soothing effect on him, but not today. Damn it, how could she think he’d ever cheat? That’s what all this really boiled down to. He might not admit it to another living soul, but she’d thought the worst of him and that was a slap in his face. After years of friendship and trust, how could she have thought something so low of him? It stung his soul. His fist slammed into the wall. He needed a beer. Or two. Or three.

  ***

  Allie massaged her temples hoping to alleviate the pain behind her eyes. Nothing had gone right the entire afternoon. Mr. Jensen was caught lighting up, again, in multiple non-designated areas, a last minute cancellation for a party to arrive tomorrow and, oh yes, that whole episode with Jase. What a nightmare.

  Involuntarily, her fingers brushed against her lips, remembering the kiss in the stables. It was their most intimate contact since the impromptu wedding night and her body was left aroused and unsatisfied. What twisted fate made her fervently desire her husband when she couldn’t have him? Today was just proof that Jase wasn’t the type to settle down.

  Despite his protestations, she found it hard to believe him. What red-blooded man wouldn’t take what Lexie offered? She had the figure every man lusted after; perfectly toned-legs that went on for miles, perfectly rounded breasts and natural bedroom eyes. And she was never without her fancy manicure. Allie looked down at her own hands; chipped polish covered nails that needed a good file down. She’d never given much thought to them before, but now she felt inferior for her lack of femininity. So much so that had she not had an appointment coming up to get them done for Missy’s wedding, she would have made one for her next day off.

  Another knock on the door. Would this day ever end? ”Please let this be something simple,” she muttered under her breath. She trudged over to the door, grudgingly opening it. Could this day get worse? All professionalism thrown out, Allie started to close the door back. She was in no mood to deal with Lexie after what happened.

  “Please, Ms. Tyndale, er Callahan. Can I talk to you for a minute?” Lexie looked defeated and that threw Allie off. It was the last thing she’d expected from the home wrecker.

  “Come in,” she invited unhappily.

  “I won’t be long. I just wanted to apologize for earlier. If I’d have known Jase was married, I’d never have been there with him. I know what people say about me and most of it’s true, but I’d never knowingly go after a married man.” Lexie stood there, wringing her hands.

  “Apology accepted. And it’s not entirely your fault. Jase was there also,” Allie lamented.

  “Oh no, ma’am. Jase is completely innocent. Believe me, it was all me going after him. He was trying to get away, but I thought he was playing hard to get,” Lexie confessed.

  “Oh.” She might as well have been kicked in the stomach; Jase was telling the truth. She hadn’t believed him. Jealousy had turned her so green, she hadn’t seen reality.

  “I, um, I hope this incident doesn’t affect my job here; I swear I will never go near Jase again. The truth is, I really need the money. My little brother is in the hospital, in Laramie; since our mom passed, I’m all he has. So few places offer health insurance and I desperately need it for Rylan.”

  Allie stopped to consider Lexie’s words. This was a side of her she’d never seen, nor suspected. “Your job will be here as long as you continue performing your duties to our standards.”

  “Thank you,” Lexie answered, visibly relieved. She extended her arm as an olive branch.

  Allie accepted it, shaking it, catching sight of her newest purple shade. Hmm. “Lexie, this isn’t my business, but if money is tight, how are you always getting your nails done.”

  The other woman’s lips contorted, a wave of wistfulness washing over her face before answering. “I do them myself. Before Rylan got sick, I was in school for cosmetology, but had to drop out when he was hospitalized.”

  “I’m sorry,” Allie offered, with a genuine expression of sympathy; remorseful of her judgment. “I can imagine that was difficult.”

  “It wasn’t easy, but I’ll do what I need to see him get better.” She shifted awkwardly. “I better get going. Again, I’m genuinely sorry about earlier.”

  “It’s okay. Thanks for coming to explain. Stop by my office on Monday, and I’ll see if we can work some overtime in for you.”

  “That would be great. Have a good weekend,” Lexie said and left.

  For several minutes, Allie remained planted where she was, staring at the door. Today sure was a lesson in appearances. Out of habit, she chewed on the tip of a nail. She owed Jase one hell of an apology. This marriage was becoming more complicated every day and she had a feeling this was just the beginning. Locking up the office, she went to the kitchen in search of Cook.

  “Allie, my girl,” he greeted her enthusiastically. “What can I get for you?”

  His exuberant greeting brought a fraction of a smile to her. Cook was known for his cantankerous disposition but held Allie in high esteem. She passed it off to all those times, as a child, she fed his ego by claiming she wanted to be just like him when she grew up. In return, he believed in her, consistently claiming she would succeed at any career she chose.

  “Have any humble pie?” she asked.

  Cook pretended to look through a cart of desserts. “No, none of that today. Would fried chicken and potato salad followed by caramel apple crisp be a sufficient substitute?”

  “Could you box up enough for two?”

  “Anything for you, child. I’ll throw in tri
ple apple crisp for Mr. Jase. It will soften him up,” he added.

  Did everyone know? Geez, no one could keep secrets around here. “Thank you,” she mumbled meekly.

  “Cheer up,” Cook told her, tipping her chin. “Everyone has lover’s quarrels. This too shall pass.”

  Box in hand, she left the main lodge and walked down the beaten path to Jase’s cabin. She took her time, planning her apology along the way, but no words seemed sufficient. His house came into view through an opening in the pines. He was sitting on the steps, a long neck bottle in one hand.

  “Hi,” she greeted him, uncertainty lining her voice.

  “Hi,” he replied, not looking up to her.

  “Cook sent dinner home with me.”

  “Okay. I’ll be in in a few minutes,”

  “I’m sorry, Jase. Lexie came by and told me what happened. I should have believed you and never thrown those accusations at you.”

  “And if Lexie hadn’t come by, then what? Would you still be here apologizing?” He finally turned to look at her; the intensity in his stare made her want to squirm.

  “I don’t know. Eventually I would have realized you aren’t that type of person,” she answered as honestly as she could.

  “Eventually? You know what, I’m not very hungry anymore.” He stood from the steps and went into the little cabin. Before she reached the door, he was coming back out, truck keys in hand. “I’m going out for a while.”

  “Can we talk about this?” she pleaded.

  “I’m done talking. Don’t wait up for me; I might just find some ‘tramp’ to cheat on my wife with,” he responded acerbically.

  She reached out to him, but he shrugged her off. “Later, Allie.”

  Struggling against tears, she watched him leave. This time she screwed up with the one person she’d normally turn to for advice and comfort. Why didn’t she just trust him? He’d never lied to her before and had no reason to start now. She went inside and put their dinner in the refrigerator. Her appetite vanished when Jase sped away. With nothing to do, she cleaned the kitchen. Jase’s still full bottle of beer sat on the counter, now warm. She poured it down the drain and tossed the bottle.

  When the kitchen sparkled, she sat down on the sofa and turned the television on. There was no cable or satellite connection to the cabin and there was nothing on the local channels. Switching it off, she grabbed her phone, checking for word from Jase. Nothing. She started to call Missy, but hung up. Her other best friend was busy preparing for a wedding that was meant to happen and she didn’t need this drama. After an hour, she tried calling Jase, but his line went directly to his voicemail; whether he turned it off or was ignoring her, she didn’t know. He had to be at either the Watering Hole, a local hangout and the only place in Bumblton that served alcohol or over at the bunkhouse on the other side of the ranch.

  Several hours later, she still couldn’t get through to Jase, and he hadn’t made an effort to contact her. She was worried. They’d been friends for more than two decades, but she’d never felt so far away from him. There was a new book she’d bought several weeks ago, but hadn’t had time to start reading yet. She went to the bedroom and picked it up from the nightstand. Curling up in the recliner, her body started to relax. Jase’s scent was infused in the recliner and she let it envelope her while she read.

  She must have drifted off. A popular country song, set as her phone’s ringtone, woke her up. Fumbling for her phone, she answered when it was to her ear.

  “Hello,” she answered tentatively, not recognizing the number.

  “Allie? It’s Damien from The Watering Hole.”

  “What’s going on?” she asked.

  “Jase is over here. He’s pretty toasted and gave me his keys. Told me to call you and have you come pick him up,” Damien explained.

  “I’ll be right there,” she told him and hung up.

  She looked at her watch. Eleven o’clock- he’d been gone for six hours. Grabbing a sweatshirt and her keys, she ran out the door, her stomach twisted in knots. She could count on one hand the number of times Jase had been drunk. One being when they married, one being now and the other three when they were young and not yet at the legal age to consume alcohol. What had she done? She laughed bitterly. Here she was, finally getting her chance to help Jase out for a change, and it was all because she’d messed up and hadn’t given him half the respect he’d always shown her.

  The parking lot at The Watering Hole was packed. It was the weekend after all, and the main gathering places for all the surrounding ranches. She squeezed her way through a forest of denim and cowboy hats, finding her way to the bar.

  “Where is he?” she asked when Damien came over to her.

  “At the pool tables. I don’t know what you did to him, but he’s pissed. Just giving you fair warning,” Damien told her, while simultaneously filling two mugs from the tap.

  She sighed, knowing this wasn’t going to be pretty. “I’ll take care of it. Thanks for calling me.”

  “Here’s his keys.” Damien tossed her a key ring with a Ford emblem hanging from it.

  Pushing her way through the crowd, she worked her way to the pool tables.

  “Look everyone, it’s my wife.” She heard Jase before she saw him. He was drunk alright, swaying and pointing toward her. “Who wants to vouch for me that I’ve been here all night and not off cheating on her. A week into marriage and she’s already nagging me.”

  Allie’s face turned bright red, both from anger and embarrassment. She didn’t think Jase had it in him to be cruel like this. It was a new side to him- a side she didn’t like one bit.

  Marching over to him, she pulled on his sleeve. “Let’s go,” she hissed.

  The crowd around them parted. Their audience looked at each other not sure if this scene was amusing or awkward. Thank God Jase didn’t say anything further and let her lead him out. He followed her to her truck and climbed into the passenger seat. The trip home was made in complete silence. By the time they returned to the ranch, she thought he’d fallen asleep. She turned off the ignition and went to open the door.

  “Why do I love you, Allie?” Jase mused, his sudden words striking her. “You take my heart and use it for a bull’s-eye, but I still love you. It’s always been you, but you can’t see it. You’re a bad tattoo that I can’t erase.”

  The pain of betrayal laced his tone. He didn’t love her; that was the alcohol talking. But his other words- those stung because in her heart she knew they were true. She wasn’t good to him. What had he ever gotten from this friendship? Nothing but aggravation.

  “It’s late and you’re drunk. We’ll talk tomorrow,” she told him. Without waiting for him, she went inside, changed into pajamas and crawled into bed. A weight pushed down on her heart and soul. She knew what she had to do and it would break her heart.

  ***

  Jase shielded his eyes from the light coming through the window. The smell of strong coffee reached his nose. He sat up, gathering his bearings. His head spun and he leaned over, rubbing the back of his neck. Man, he felt like hell sucked him in, chewed him up then spit him back out. Unwrapping himself from a sheet, he pulled on the jeans piled at the sofa’s corner. As an afterthought, he also threw on a shirt. Allie and he would have a lot to discuss today. His shirt, or lack of, didn’t need to be added to the mix.

  In the kitchen, Allie stood at the sink, staring off at some unknown object outside the window.

  “Good morning,” he said hesitantly, with hands shoved in his pockets.

  “Good morning,” she echoed, turning around. From the looks of it, she hadn’t had a much better night than him. Dark circles were planted under her red-rimmed eyes. Her lips were turned down in a melancholy frown.

  Their stiff communication thundered the tension between them.

  “Thanks for picking me up last night.”

  “It’s the least I could do after all times you’ve helped me.” Her gaze looked everywhere but at him.

  “I�
��m sorry for what I said before I left. It was uncalled for. And anything I said after you picked me up. I can’t remember much, but I’m sure there’s a good chance I said something offensive,” he apologized.

  “You were kind of a jerk, but I deserved it. I’m sorry for not believing you.”

  Something wasn’t right. She still wouldn’t look him in the eye. “Maybe we can just put yesterday behind us,” he suggested.

  “Let’s sit down. We need to talk.”

  He poured a cup of coffee, straight black and took a long sip. An ominous feeling was setting upon him. “Can it wait until later?” he asked. His body was suffering from his night of excessive drinking.

  “No. I need to say this before I lose my nerve.”

  The solemnness she spoke with caught his attention and he pulled out a chair. “What is it?” His hand went to his knee. Allie’s fingers drummed against her coffee cup.

  “I’m releasing you from this,” she told him, still not making eye contact.

  She may as well of slammed her fist to his gut. Yesterday hadn’t been handled well by either of them, but if they ended this now, he’d lose any chance of being with her.

  “I told you I’d do this for three months. One argument isn’t enough to make me break a commitment,” he replied, hoping she couldn’t hear how desperate the plea behind his words was.

  “It was wrong to ever ask you. Let’s just make a clean break and get on with our lives.”

  The floor creaked as he pushed his chair back, stood and moved to the chair next to Allie. Crooking a finger, he tipped her chin, forcing her to make eye contact. “Look at me, Allie. For whatever reason, pretending we meant to get married was important to you. Let’s forget about yesterday and move on.”

  “I thought you wanted out of this. I thought I was a bad tattoo you couldn’t get rid of.”

  The corner of her eye glistened with unshed tears. Vague memories of some words he spoke while still in the truck last night came back to him. Had he really told her that? “My god, Allie. I was angry and hurt last night. Ignore anything I said. I was drunk and it doesn’t make it right, but I’m sorry.”