Unraveling

by Micalea Smeltzer

  I was stunned.

  What on earth was I supposed to say to him? Jared had been to hell and back; he’d experienced something that would completely shatter most people.

  “Jared I- I don’t know what to say,” I told him, honestly.

  “Are you going to run from me now, kitten? This will be the only time I won’t stop you,” his eyes were deadened and I realized he believed that I would leave.

  I had news for him; there was no way I could ever walk away from him, because I was in love with him.

  I sat up and he sighed, believing that I was leaving.

  “Jared,” I said, leaning over him so that my hair tickled his shirt-clad chest. “I can’t leave you.”

  “Why?” he asked, making no move to touch me.

  I closed my eyes and decided to take that leap, and hoped Jared’s arms were waiting to catch me.

  “Because… I love you.”

  He sat up and hope filled his eyes.

  I blundered on. “Against all odds, I love you. I didn’t think that I would ever fall in love, not again, but for the first time, because I never really loved Preston. He was… convenient and after what happened, I didn’t think I could find someone that would make me feel, because how can you feel without touching? But you proved me wrong. You came crashing into my life like a beacon of light and chased the darkness away. You made me feel again, without touching me, but simply being there for me and knowing exactly what to say to me, that’s how I know you’re special.”

  He rested his forehead against mine and his hand cupped the back of my neck.

  “You’re so wrong, Katy. You’re the special one. You’re the one that chased your own darkness away, not me. I told you before, only you can heal yourself,” he brushed my hair back. “And that’s what you’re doing. I see a small change in you, every day. You may not notice it yourself, but I do. You smile and laugh more, you let me touch you,” he ran a finger down my cheek to demonstrate. “It might not seem like much, but that is everything.”

  “You’ve changed me so quickly, Jared. You’ve opened up my heart and my soul. You’ve challenged me and that’s something no one has done since…” I swallowed. “Since Preston raped me. I used to wish that it never happened but I realized that you’re right.”

  “About what?” he asked.

  “Everything does happen for a reason and we shouldn’t question it,” I fingered the collar of his shirt. “I’m done questioning why it happened, I’m ready to start moving on, I’m ready,” I took a deep breath, “to live again.”

  A smile curved Jared’s lips. “There’s something I forgot to tell you,” he whispered.

  “What’s that?” I questioned.

  He leaned closer, steadying me with his solid hands on my sides. His lips brushed against my ear and I shivered. “I love you too, Katy.”

  22

  This night felt like it was never going to end, and I didn’t want it to.

  I wanted our conversation to go on forever.

  It was the most amazing feeling in the world, to be able to talk to Jared and have him know my inner most secret, and I his.

  There wasn’t a dark cloud hanging above us anymore.

  From this moment on, everything was a blank slate.

  Now, we could really begin to know one another without anything holding us back.

  We lay on the bed, looking up at the ceiling, not touching, just asking and answering each other’s questions.

  “What’s your favorite color?” I asked quietly.

  “Hmm,” he mused. “Can I pick the color of your hair?” he reached over and flicked a piece. “It’s so unusual. One minute I think it’s brown, then it’s honey colored, and when the sun hits it just right, it’s red.”

  “That’s a good answer,” I laughed.

  “It’s an honest answer,” he chuckled. “What about you? What’s your favorite color? Favorite food?”

  “Slow down there, bud,” I bit my lip. “I really like magenta and purples. Favorite food… probably anything that’s Chinese takeout.”

  “Magenta? What the hell is magenta? I’m a dude, you have to explain these fancy colors to me,” he said, with a laugh.

  I giggled. “It’s like a really dark pink, kind of wine colored.”

  “I see,” he said.

  “What’s your favorite band?” I asked.

  “I don’t know,” he chuckled. “I just like music that gets me pumped up. I usually only listen to it before I fight or while I’m training.”

  “That’s a sucky answer,” I told him.

  “Sorry, it’s the only one I’ve got,” he laughed. “So,” he rubbed his hands together, “you said you were a cheerleader, still got that uniform?”

  I snorted. “No way. I left it behind with everything else. Honestly, when I look at myself now, and then think back to who I used to be… it’s like, looking at two completely different people. I know I have my hang-ups, but I like who I am now, better than who I used to be. I was selfish and shallow. I don’t want to go back to that.”

  “You won’t,” Jared said.

  “I’m sorry you had to go through what you did, Jared. I really am.”

  He shrugged. “It’s like you say, it was another me, another life. Most days, it’s like it never even happened.” He put his hands behind his head. “I’ve had to let it go, in order to move on, and stay sane. If I kept dwelling on it, I’d be an angry, bitter, person. I can’t, I won’t, be like that. Not just because I have my sister to worry about, but because I want to be nothing like that man. If I was angry about it all the time, the pain would consume me, and I’d turn to the bottle just like him. I won’t turn into that. I might have… if Dan and Patsy hadn’t taken us in. Dan taught me that there are other ways to deal with anger.”

  “By fighting,” I whispered.

  “No,” he said, “he taught me more ways than that. It’s about centering yourself and saying you’re going to be better than those that hurt you. I won’t give my father power by letting what he did control me. I won’t let him win, because I am better than him.”

  “I’m done letting Preston win,” I said, softly, half terrified to say it out loud.

  “Katy,” Jared said, rolling on his side. The shadows of the room cast darkness across half his face, but the other half glowed from the inner light he possessed. He propped his head up on his hand and said, “You stopped letting him win, the minute you told me the truth.”

  My lip trembled and I dammed the tears back.

  “It’s okay to cry about it, Katy,” he said, “because I will always be here to wipe your eyes.”

  “But I don’t want to cry about it,” I sniffled.

  “Katy,” he said, quietly, “everybody needs to cry, sometimes. It’s okay.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t want to be weak.”

  “Tears are not a sign of weakness,” Jared said, vehemently. “Tears show compassion, they show,” he pointed to my chest, “that you have a heart. Tears are powerful,” he caught one off of the edge of my cheek.

  “Are you sure you’re an MMA fighter and not a literature student?” I asked with a chuckle, wiping my face with the back of my hands.

  “I’m sure,” he said, catching a tear I had missed.

  I flinched. “Sorry,” I mumbled, “I think I’ve reached my touching quota for the day.”

  Jared pulled his hand away with a sad smile. “That’s okay, we’ll take this a day at a time because that’s what you do when you love someone.”

  He stood up and stretched, starting towards the door.

  “Where are you going?” I sat up a little straighter.

  “To sleep on the couch,” he said, his hand on the knob.

  “I don’t want you to go.” I hated the pleading tone in my voice, so I took a breath to explain. “Maybe… if you’re here,” I swirled my finger over his comforter in random circles, “I won’t have the nightmares. Maybe, you’ll keep them away.”

  “Kitten, ther
e isn’t anything I’d rather do, than keep you from having that nightmare,” his look was sweet. “Do you want to change?” He looked me up and down.

  “Huh?” I looked down at myself. “Oh –uh- yeah. Pajamas might be more comfortable than this,” I pulled at my jeans.

  He chuckled. “I’m going to go get a bottle of water while you change. I’ll bring you one, too,” he said, disappearing out the door. It closed softly behind him and I scurried off the bed.

  I pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a cami, so that I wouldn’t have to pull anything over my cast. I glared down at the clunky blue thing, willing it away. It really was quite a nuisance.

  A light knock on the door sounded and I shook a little.

  I had never slept with a guy before and after what happened with Preston, I hadn’t wanted to. It was difficult to try and get over that.

  “I’m decent,” I squeaked.

  I heard Jared chuckle and then the door opened.

  His eyes zeroed in on my barely covered chest and Goosebumps broke out across my skin. I rubbed my arms and tried to hide my cleavage.

  Jared shook his head, pink staining his cheeks and turned his back to me.

  He pulled his shirt off, but kept his mesh shorts on. I wondered when he’d changed into them.

  He pulled the covers of the bed back and climbed in.

  I stood there, staring, like an idiot.

  Jared chuckled again. “Katy, if you’re going to sleep, you kind of have to get in the bed.”

  “I think this was a bad idea,” I whispered.

  He sat up. “I can leave. You say the word and I’m gone. I will never push myself on you, Katy. You can set the pace. Do you understand? You’re in control of us. I’ll never do something that you’re uncomfortable with. All we’ll do is sleep, but if you’re uncomfortable with that, I’ll leave.”

  “No, no,” I shook my head. “I know you won’t hurt me. This is okay.” I moved to the other side of the bed.

  I lay down and Jared pulled the covers up to my chin. They were cool against my skin and I shivered.

  “Katy?” Jared questioned. “Are you okay?”

  “I think so,” my voice quivered.

  “I don’t want to do anything that will send you running,” he whispered.

  “I’m done running,” I said, seriously. “Besides, my legs are tired,” I joked.

  Jared chuckled and the bed shook with the motion, which sent me giggling.

  “Stop laughing, we’re never going to go to sleep,” his voice rumbled.

  “I’m trying,” another giggle escaped.

  After a few minutes, all was quiet, so I assumed Jared had fallen asleep. When he spoke, it nearly sent me flying through the roof in fright.

  “Katy, I’ve noticed something,” he said.

  I put a hand to my chest to still my beating heart. “What?” I asked, breathlessly. Darn him for scaring me like that.

  “You… you let me touch you… a little, but you haven’t touched me.”

  “Huh?” I rolled over onto my side to face him and he did the same.

  “In the hospital, you let me touch you but you never touched me back, even in the club, I was the one that reached for you, and earlier, I was doing all the touching.”

  I swallowed. “You’re way too observant to be a man.”

  He chuckled. “Trust me, I’m a man.”

  “I’ll trust you, ‘cause I’m not about to go exploring,” I said with a smile.

  He laughed, but then got serious again. “Seriously, Katy, why won’t you touch me?”

  I shrugged. “I honestly don’t know.”

  “Would you like to touch me?” those soulful brown eyes threatened to engulf me.

  “I- I- don’t know,” I stuttered.

  He pushed the blankets back, exposing his smooth, naked chest.

  Oh sweet baby Jesus, no man should ever be that ripped. His body was a complete work of art and even I couldn’t help drooling over it.

  “It’s okay, Katy,” he said, soothingly. “Remember you’re in control of this. I won’t move and I won’t touch you. This is just you touching me. Okay?”

  I nodded and sat up, pushing my hair back, over my shoulders so that it would hopefully stay out of the way.

  “You’re in control,” he reminded me.

  I nodded.

  Slowly, I reached out, touching his arm.

  He shivered when I touched him and a smile curved my lips.

  His skin was hot, making my hands seem cold, and looked dark next to my lighter tone.

  I traced the freckles on his arm, the veins, and then went down to his hands. They were large; the nails round and even, his skin was smooth. Gosh, even his hands were perfect.

  My fingers glided back up, to his shoulders, his collarbone, up his neck, and settled on his stubbled chin.

  His eyes closed and low moan escaped his throat. I snatched my hand away.

  “Don’t stop,” his eyes opened, they were a light brown, almost caramel. “It feels good.”

  I reached out again, even more hesitant than the first time.

  My index finger connected with his full, bottom lip. He was very still, his breathing the only movement.

  I traced the downward curve of his bottom lip, before moving to the top and giving it the same treatment.

  My finger glided down his lips and settled on the indent in his chin. I longed to kiss that dimple, but I knew it was too soon, I wasn’t ready. I let my finger drop from his angular chin, down to his chest, where it glided over the dips and ridges of his stomach. I refused to go any lower than his belly button. That was uncharted territory I wasn’t about to go exploring in.

  I let my fingers fall from his stomach and found that I was breathing like someone that had just run a marathon. Not attractive at all, but that was the affect Jared had on me.

  Jared shivered at the absence of my touch and turned to look at me.

  “I never knew that just letting someone touch me, or touching them, could feel so damn good, without doing anything else,” his voice was husky.

  “There was a lot I didn’t know before I met you,” I reached over, unable to resist rubbing the dark stubble on his chin, one last time.

  “I’m more than happy to teach you,” he placed a light, barely-there, kiss on the palm of my hand. At my shocked expression, he grinned. “Slowly, Katy. We’ll take things slowly.”

  ~***~

  An incessant ringing woke me up.

  I cracked my eyes open and saw Jared doing the same. “Is that your phone?” he asked, his voice groggy.

  “Oh, crap,” I said, practically falling out of the bed in my haste. My ribs groaned in protest and I winced.

  “Where is it?” Jared asked, yawning. “I can get it for you.”

  “No, no, I’ve already got it,” I pulled it out of my purse. It had stopped ringing now and I saw that I had about fifty text messages from Rollo and the one missed call. Before I could hit the call back button, it was ringing again.

  “Hey?” I answered.

  “Katyrina Grace Spencer, I’ve been worried sick. Piper told me you were in the hospital! A car accident! Katy! Why didn’t you tell me? I’m on my way to your house now, screw classes, you have some explaining to do,” I could hear him huffing over the phone, probably trying to hoof it to the bus station.

  “Rollo, I’m sorry,” I ran my fingers through my hair, feeling like the worst best friend ever. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

  “You weren’t thinking, Katyrina,” he snapped.

  “Please, stop calling me that, you know I hate it,” I said softly. The only people that called me Katyrina were my mom and Preston. I’d be happy if no one ever called me that again. After ‘the event’ with Preston, my full name grated on my nerves, like nails on a chalkboard.

  “I’m sorry, baby cakes,” he said, and I could tell he was calming down. “I’m just worried sick about you. Piper just called and told me and obviously she already knew. She
was checking in on you, assuming that I would be with you. Instead, I was completely clueless and sounded like an idiot. What happened?”

  “I hit a deer and ended up in the other lane where another car crashed into me,” I explained, running my fingers through my bed-rumpled hair.

  He gasped dramatically. “You killed Bambi’s mom! How dare you, Katy!”

  Instead of being sympathetic, in typical Rollo fashion, he had to make a joke, but at least I knew he wasn’t mad anymore.

  “Seeing as Bambi’s mom was animated, I doubt I killed her,” I deadpanned.

  “Still,” he said and I could just picture him shrugging. “Anyway, I should be at your condo in twenty minutes. Is there anything I should bring you? I can walk to a drugstore if you need me to.”

  “Rollo, I’m not home,” I mumbled.

  “What? Are you still at the hospital?” He shrieked.

  “Nooooo,” I drew out the word.

  “Then where are you?” He gasped, “You’re not with that wench of a mother you have, are you?”

  “No,” I said, still reluctant to tell him.

  “Where the hell are you, Katy? Stop being evasive,” he groaned.

  “I’m with Jared,” I squeaked. Something crashed on the other end of the line. “Rollo? Rollo? Can you hear me? Rollo?”

  A few, muffled, seconds later, Rollo said, “I think I need to get my ears checked. You did not just say what I think you did.”

  “Yes, I did,” I mumbled, blushing and desperately wishing Jared wasn’t right behind me, hearing everything.

  Another crash and then, “Damn it, Katy, you owe me a new phone. You keep making me drop mine with all these shocking things coming out of your mouth. It’s all scratched up now.”

  “I’ll add it to your Christmas list,” I laughed.

  “So, explain to me how you ended up at Jared’s house? His house, Katy!” Rollo squealed.

  “Oh –um-” I stammered.

  “He’s right there with you, isn’t he?” Rollo asked.