TAUT

by JA Huss

  “It sounds private, Ford.”

  “Who’s that?” Rook asks.

  “My new friend, Ashleigh. We’re driving to LA together. I have to go, Rook. Tell Ronin I said hi.” I press end on the phone and set it down. I’m still holding Ashleigh by the wrist. “It wasn’t private. It’s over.”

  Ashleigh sits back against the seat. “I don’t want to be used like that. Whatever you have going on with this girl, don’t make me the reason you hurt her.”

  “I’m not. She’s my best friend’s girlfriend. She made her choice, and now I’m over it.”

  “And this is why you left Denver and were driving in the mountains on New Year’s Eve?”

  “Yes, I had to leave or I’d betray my friend. She and I would both regret it after.”

  “So it was the friendship with her boyfriend that had you upset, and not really your relationship with her?”

  “Mostly. He and I go way back. We have business together, but beyond that, I’m not interested in betraying him. I’m not a cheater.” At least when it comes to relationships. But I keep that shit tucked away.

  Ashleigh thinks about this for a moment, pretending to fuss with the baby’s blankets in the stroller. “So why are you mad at her? If you know it’s best for both of you?”

  “I’m not mad, I just don’t want to be a part of her life anymore. I—” I look away and think it through for a second before speaking. “I still want her, I just can’t have her. And she doesn’t want me, not enough, anyway. So what’s the point of continuing to torture myself? It’s better this way.”

  “So you’re punishing her. Because she loves you in a way that doesn’t satisfy you?” Ashleigh shakes her head. “That’s fucked up.”

  I scowl at her swearing.

  “Sorry,” she apologizes. “It just is.”

  “She made her choice. She could’ve chosen me, she didn’t. That’s the end of it.”

  “So you have a line and if someone crosses it, you just cut them off? Walk away?”

  “Doesn’t everyone have a line like that?”

  She studies me for a moment. Forming an opinion, maybe. “Well, there’s lines, and then there’s lines. Some have a line as thick as the Great Divide. Others the width of a hair. Your line might be microscopic. Do you at least explain your expectations? So people who get close to you understand? Or do you just take what you want and then move on like this all the time?”

  I stare at her, angry at that accusation. But I control it before I speak. “For the record, I gave Rook more than anyone else in my entire life. I did everything for her. She only had to ask and I was there. So I did not take anything from her, she took from me.”

  “And now you’re pissed and feel used?”

  “Are you asking me because you want to sleep with me, Ashleigh? Are you trying to nail down what you can expect from me should that happen?”

  “How the hell did you go from what I said to that?”

  “Because that’s what people do when they’re thinking about sleeping with someone new. They test the waters by asking questions about the inner workings of previous relationships. Now answer my question. Do you want to know these things so we can push our relationship a little further?”

  She gives me a nervous laugh and plays with her earlobe. “Maybe. But I’m not going to let myself be used, Ford. I’m not a piece of trash. I think you’re”—she thinks about her word choice for a moment—“nice-looking. But I’m not interested in being thrown away after you’re done, to quote your words. Especially if I don’t know where that line is drawn.”

  “What about the ex—whatever he is?”

  She takes a deep breath and stares at her hands in her lap. “I need to let go. I need to accept that it’s over. So”—she looks up at me—“maybe starting something new will help.”

  “If you think what I have in mind is the beginning of something new, then we definitely need rules.”

  She scowls at me. “I didn’t mean it like that. And if we make rules, then we’re playing a game. I’m not in the mood for games.”

  “Are you afraid of losing?”

  “Aren’t you?”

  “I never lose.”

  She laughs. “So that means I’m already the loser. How’s that fair?”

  She’s got a valid point. “I’m interested in having sex with you. What do you want?”

  She looks down, then catches her gesture of doubt and corrects herself by staring me in the eyes. “The same. But I don’t want to be treated like shit.”

  I laugh a little at that. “You want me to respect you? But you’re negotiating the terms of a no-strings sexual relationship in a diner?”

  “Take it or leave it,” she deadpans.

  “How about one fifteen-minute interlude and then we revisit our expectations. To keep things open.”

  “Fifteen minutes?” she snorts. “You’re pretty confident.”

  “It only took two the other night.”

  “I’d been thinking about sex all day before you came in. Besides, you’re weird with the no-touching stuff. I like it to be personal. I imagine it’s cold with you. Fifteen minutes would not be satisfying.”

  “An orgasm isn’t enough?”

  She looks around nervously to see if anyone heard me, then lowers her voice, probably hoping I’ll lower mine. “No. I can do that myself. I want more.”

  I squint at her. “Like what?”

  She turns her head away, like she’s hiding from me. But when she turns back, her eyes have a little gleam in them and she’s biting her lip to tuck away her smile. “Conversation. Answers to my questions about you.”

  “No.”

  “Yes,” she counters quickly. “You get fifteen minutes with me and I get one question—answered to my satisfaction.”

  “I get fifteen minutes of total control over you and you get one satisfactorily answered question from me.”

  She smiles but looks down again. I’m already imagining her ass up in the air and her swollen breasts bouncing so badly, she has to hold them to her chest as I fuck her from behind.

  “That’s the deal. You want in or not?”

  “Deal,” she whispers as the waitress comes with our coffee. And then, like luck is spitting in my face, the baby wakes up. Ash rocks her in the stroller, cuddles her for a few seconds, and then lifts up her shirt to nurse.

  She looks right at me and smirks.

  I look away, mostly to stop the hard-on, but also to see if any men are checking her out. Nope. I’m the only perv in here. I look back at her and smile. “I think we should skip breakfast.” She laughs and I can’t help myself. I laugh too. Because I just negotiated a sex deal with a girl who will probably blush so hard the first time I smack her ass I might not be able to control myself.

  Chapter Sixteen

  We manage to keep our minds off the potential dirty sex we might have tonight and talk about mundane things during breakfast, then head out to the Village to hit the shops. “What do you need here? Clothes?”

  “I don’t need any clothes, Ford. Besides…” She tears her gaze away from the architecture and finds my face so she can let out a smile. “I enjoy wearing your clothes. I might wear your jeans tomorrow.”

  I look down at her body. “They’d fall off you.”

  She shrugs. “It’s called a belt. I like them loose.”

  I can definitely picture it, in fact, I almost get lost in the picture and slam right into a family cutting across the street to get to a chocolate store.

  “Sorry, man,” the guy says. Then he turns back. “Ford? Is that you, dude?”

  Shit. Deny, deny, deny.

  “Ford!” The man’s wife comes up. “Wow, it’s been a while. We haven’t seen you since—”

  “How are you”—I search my memory for a moment—“Angela and”—I stare at the guy—“Paul.”

  Paul grins at my recollection. I do remember them, but not because I know them well. Paul moved to the Valley when I was in high school, Angela wa
s never on my radar. I know her face, but we never had conversations or anything like that. They are just faces.

  “Hey!” Paul says. “I heard you guys sold after the accident with your dad.”

  “No,” I say, glancing at Ashleigh. She’s staring hard at me. Looking like she has lots of questions. “No, we didn’t sell. We just never came back.”

  “Ah.” He claps me on the shoulder and I pull away and stick my hand up. “Fucking Ford. You never change, dude. Got it, stay out of your sphere.” He laughs again and now Ash is enjoying this whole interaction a little too much.

  “Well, it’s been nice to catch up. See you next time.” I tap Ashleigh on the shoulder and she walks forward with me. I can hear them laughing as we leave.

  “What the hell was that?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Stay out of your sphere?”

  “Ford?” Another voice comes off to my left. “Yes! I knew that was you!”

  Aww, fuck. “Lacy, how are you?”

  “Oh my gah! I can’t believe you’re here for Locals’ Day! What a great surprise! Did you ride the new gondola up at Lionshead yet? They have it open for us today, no charge.”

  As if any locals need a free ride on the fucking gondola.

  “Mike and I just got back. Mike!” she yells over to a line of people waiting for hot chocolate at a kiosk in the middle of the street. “Mike! It’s Ford Aston! Come here, quick, before he ditches me!”

  Mike leaves his place in line and jogs over. “Fucking Ford! Hey, man, haven’t seen you in forever! I read a story about you a few months back”—I look over at Ashleigh and she’s all ears now—“you, Spencer and Ronin were in some shit again, yeah?”

  “Are you Ford’s wife? Ford, your baby is adorable!” Lacy squeals.

  “So you got a project these days? I heard you and Spencer did a show? What channel’s that on? I wanna watch.”

  I put the hand up. Both hands, actually, since Lacy is on one side and Mike is on the other. “Sphere of privacy, people. Now.”

  Lacy laughs and turns to Ashleigh. “He was always doing that sphere stuff when we were kids. Keep out of my sphere, back off my sphere. No one was allowed in his sphere.”

  She laughs again and this time Ashleigh joins in. “He’s cute like that, isn’t he. All weird about his sphere. It’s like his Jedi power!”

  “OK, we’re done here.”

  “Wait, Ford, I’d like to chat with your old friends,” Ashleigh says with a fake innocence.

  “Ashleigh?” the voice calls her from across the street near a Bavarian pretzel shop.

  “Oh, shit.” Ash winces. “Mrs. fucking Pearson. Let’s get the hell out of here.” She holds her hand up like I just did. “Sphere of privacy, Mrs. Pearson. We’re in the sphere.”

  I laugh and pull on her. “Not so fun when you’re the target, is it? Just start walking. They’ll leave us alone, I’ve perfected the detached getaway. It’s my signature move.”

  “I guess it is. Can we ride that gondola? I’d like that. To see the mountain.”

  “Sure, we need to drop the stroller off at the van and take a bus over to Lionshead though.”

  “Is it far?”

  “No, a few minutes’ ride. We can go. Might as well see the place since you’re here.”

  We get on the bus after dropping off all the excess crap and I look at Ashleigh with her bundled baby in her arms as we ride over to Lionshead. “See, that snowsuit was a good idea. Otherwise you’d have to bring all those stupid blankets.”

  She sighs. “What would I do without you, Ford. You’re a genius.”

  I smile. “Damn right.”

  The walk to the gondola is short—this place is not big. And when we get there I have no Vail ID to prove I’m local and no one I recognize is working the lift, so I end up having to pay anyway. Our car is packed, the full capacity of ten people.

  Ash sits by the window facing backward and I sit across from her facing forward. We’re squished by some rowdy teen boarders. “You look tired,” I say. “This ride might make you fall asleep.”

  “It just might, because the baby’s getting fussy and she needs to eat. And that’s like my sleep button.”

  “It’s a seven-minute ride up, and then these guys will get off and we’ll have the car to ourselves on the way down. The baby can eat then.” No way is Ashleigh nursing with these assholes in here.

  She rests her head against the cool window and I turn to look down at the mountain. We’ve gotten a lot of snow this year, so it’s nothing but white and green.

  “It’s beautiful,” she says softly.

  “Very,” I say back. Her cheeks are flushed red from the cold and her eyes are heavy. She’s prettier than I first thought. And she’s smart. I like smart girls. I’ll fuck a dumb one, but I prefer them smart. Her hair is very dark, almost black. But unlike Rook, she has dark eyes to match. I like that too. Her lids slowly close and I stare at her until we get to the top. She jolts awake when the doors whoosh open and the boarders get off. The baby is sleeping again, so even though we have the car to ourselves for the ride down, the privacy is not necessary.

  “You’re missing the view, Ashleigh,” I tell her when the doors close again and we start the descent. “Come sit on my side so you can see it going down.”

  She hugs the baby and settles on the bench next to me, totally within my sphere. “I like it here. I bet it was fun growing up in such a beautiful place.”

  “It was. Where’d you grow up?”

  “Hong Kong.”

  “No shit?”

  She laughs. “Yeah. My dad is half Chinese and he worked there until I was twelve. Then we came back to the US and lived in a bunch of different places.”

  I chew on that for a few minutes and the next time I look, her eyes are closed again. Her head slumps over on my shoulder and instead of freaking out and pushing her away, I let her stay.

  She’s warm.

  And it feels kinda nice.

  By the time we walk back to the van and she gets the baby belted in and is settled in her seat, she looks completely wiped.

  “Too much excitement for you today?”

  “I’m boring, I know,” she says with her eyes closed.

  I pull out of the parking lot and get on the freeway and then get off a few seconds later at our exit. When we get to the house she’s already asleep but the baby is just starting to realize she’s hungry. Ashleigh pulls herself awake and grabs the baby. She heads straight to the bedroom when we get inside, not even a see you later for me. I stand in the kitchen for a few minutes, just listening. She talks in a low voice to the baby as she does something that is not well-received. Changing a diaper maybe. Then I hear the bed creak and everything goes silent. Must be nice to have someone with you at all times like that. I see the toll it’s taking on her, but still. That baby just loves her. No questions asked.

  I grab a beer and go downstairs and stretch out on the couch. I wonder what Rook is doing. I wonder what Ronin thinks? I take out my phone and press Spencer’s ugly face.

  “Yeah.”

  “Spencer,” I say.

  “I’m sorry, do I know you?”

  I roll my eyes. He is such a child. “What’s going on?”

  “You mean besides the fact that you broke my Blackbird’s heart? What was that, Ford? I mean that was low, even for you. So she’s not interested in you. Get over it.”

  “She is interested in me, Spencer. That’s the problem. If I stick around I might—”

  “Whatever. She’s upset and I don’t like it. You handled it all wrong, dude. There are better ways to get your point across. You could’ve just said, Hey, we need to take a break. I can’t handle this right now. But I’m still your friend and I’ll be back when I figure this mess out. I mean, what the fuck, Ford? You just talk shit to her and leave?”

  “That’s not what happened.”

  “No? Well, those words came out of her mouth. So that’s what she thinks happened, regardless if it did
or not. She said you told her hurtful things to make her go away. And it’s fucked up. You don’t do that to her, of all people. And now she’s worried you’re not gonna be around for the trials. If you leave us hanging, Ford, I swear—”

  “I won’t. You know me better than that.”

  “I get that you’re Mr. I don’t-give-a-shit with everyone else, but that’s not who you are to us. You understand? We are tight. We don’t fuck each other over. We stand together. And Ronin is not happy. He might never say anything, but you’ve lost a lot of credibility in his eyes. And it’s not because you want her, Ford. It’s because you hurt her. And you did it on purpose.”

  I sigh.

  “That’s it? That’s all you have to say, Ford? A long, pitiful breath of air that tells me you’re feeling sorry for yourself? Well, get the fuck over it, asshole.”

  And then the line goes dead.

  Chapter Seventeen

  It seems like hours pass until I finally hear Ashleigh moving around upstairs. It’s dark now. I grab my phone off the coffee table and check the time. Past seven. I’ve been down here all fucking day thinking about Rook and I just don’t get it. How do I get the blame when she’s the one who’s driving me crazy? I mean, what the hell is wrong with Ronin? He should be mad at her, not me. He should be asking her why she cares so much. Because if the situation was reversed, I’d sure as hell want to know how she felt about him. Doesn’t he ask her? Doesn’t he care that she has feelings for me? If I was Ronin, I’d be happy I was out of the picture.

  I pick up my phone and press Ronin’s face. He picks up on the fourth ring, just before it goes to voice mail.

  “What?” he barks into the phone.

  “How is this my fault? I left. Why do you even care?”

  “Because, Ford—” I can hear Rook in the background talking in a low voice. “We’re friends. You never did understand that. And I get that you have trouble in the relationship department, but this—this, Ford? I’m not sure who the hell you are right now.”