by JA Huss
I beam at her.
“I can’t believe you know Spencer Shrike. You should introduce me.”
“What?”
“Kidding, you jealous nerd. That’s pretty cool though. I pegged you as a banker when I saw you in that suit on New Year’s. But since then you’ve only wore jeans and t-shirts. And after you talked about skiing, I conjured up an image of you as some kind of X-Gamer. But now… I’m not sure anymore. Who are you, Ford Aston?”
The waitress comes with our food so I wait to answer her question until she’s gone and we’re both eating. “Maybe I’m both of those guys. I do normally wear suits. I like to look professional. People treat you differently when you wear a suit. When I wear casual clothes the weirdness seems to stick out. Or maybe people just make quick judgments instead of giving me the benefit of the doubt because I appear wealthy.”
“That’s very rational, Ford. But if I were you, I’d wear the shit that makes your package look big.” She takes a big bite of burger to hide her smile.
“I hope you realize I’m gonna get even with you for all this dirty talk.”
“Oh, I’m counting on it,” she says with her mouth full. “I’ll agree to a background-checked babysitter in Vegas if you stop by the drug store and buy some condoms. How’s that?” She flashes me an exaggerated wink.
“Wink all you want, Miss—wait, what’s your last name?”
“Li,” she says with her mouth full again.
“Li? Your name is Ashleigh Li?” I laugh a little at her expense. Serves her right. “Whose bright idea was that?”
“I know, tell me about it. My name was originally Ash Li in Hong Kong, it was like a cute play on the spelling—of course, it’s not Chinese at all and now that I think about it, it kinda made me sound like a porn star. Plus everyone still knew I was American, so stupid, right? And then when we moved back to the US my parents changed it so it was less Chinese, and maybe less porn star. And now I’m Ashleigh Li.” She rolls her eyes and bites into a French fry. “I can’t wait to get married.”
We sit and eat in silence for a while, maybe both of us thinking about how nice Ashleigh would sound in front of Aston.
“So anyway, back to the condoms.”
Or maybe that’s not what we were thinking after all. I grin at her. “I’m still in control and as long as you keep asking for it, I’ll never give in. So keep it to yourself and let me handle things.”
“But you’re slow.”
“You owe me so big for all this unladylike behavior, your ass cheeks will be bright red when I’m done. Don’t think I’m not adding it all up. I have a photographic memory.”
“Wait. We never had an agreement about unladylike behavior. I have no spankings coming.”
I laugh. “Miss Li, you have no idea what you’ve been begging for. And if you want it, then you owe me an entire night of submission.” She bites her lip and tries not to smile. “You’re smiling now, but just wait.”
She just takes another bite of her food and then leans in to coo at Kate when she starts to fuss in her seat.
“When do they crawl?” I ask.
She leans down and kisses Kate on the nose and gets a smile and some feet kicking for her effort. “Crawl?” She looks up and thinks. “Six months maybe. Why?”
I lean back in the booth and stretch my arms out as I study them together. Ashleigh might be a mess. And this road trip of hers was probably a monumentally bad idea. But she’s not neglectful of her daughter. “I guess I never thought about how needy babies are.”
She shoots me a dirty look.
“Not in a bad way, just a literal way.”
Ash puts her hand gently over Kate’s head. “They are the most helpless creatures on the whole planet when they’re born.” And then Ash looks up at me and smiles. “She changed my whole life. You might not realize this, but I was a little bit on the wild side a year and a half ago.” She gently tickles Kate’s little chin and gets some arm-flailing this time.
“Yeah, I can see it.”
Ashleigh straightens up and grabs some fries. I’m not sure if she wants to be wild or calm, so I prod. “But you can be calm when you want to.”
“Which do you like better?” She watches me, studies me almost. Her eyes go to my hand draped casually across the top of the booth, then traverse my arm, my chest. Finally her heated gaze stops on my face. Like she’s seeing me in a different light right this very moment.
“Calm,” I say softly.
“I like you wild.”
I laugh. “You are a silly shit.”
“No, really though,” she says. “I like you when you’ve got the walls down. When you’re just you.”
“When have you seen me without walls?”
“When you told me about your dad.”
“I told you the story, but not how it felt. So I still had all the walls up.”
Her smile falters and her eyes get a little sad. “I don’t need to be told how that feels. Your walls are transparent, so even if you still have them up, I can see through them. And a glimpse is all I need. I know that feeling.”
“You done eating?”
“Yes, but that’s a deflection. I don’t mind, don’t get me wrong. You can deflect all you want because deflection is my friend these days as well. And to pay you back for telling me that story when I was outside losing my shit, I’ll be calm tonight just for you.” And then she smiles. It’s not big, but it’s genuine. It‘s warm and it says a lot of things. It says I trust you tonight. I might not trust you tomorrow, but tonight I’ll be good because you want me to.
“Then I win.”
She smiles bigger this time and looks down at Kate. “You do win, because you’ve got both of us.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
I play her words back in my mind as we drive down the road to the hotel. I have them both.
I do. For now. I have their complete undivided attention. But as soon as we get to LA, she’s going back to her ex. I can feel it. She loves him. She wants her baby’s father to be a part of her life. She wants it so bad she falls apart just thinking about raising this child alone.
And I don’t think she’s afraid of that. I’m getting the impression Ashleigh comes from money. Maybe some serious money. Your father doesn’t do business in Hong Kong for a dozen years without having a significant position. And she said straight out he gave her sister a job in his company.
No. Ashleigh isn’t worried about money. She’s not stressing out about babysitters and health care. She’s lonely. She wants a partner. She wants to share the joys of parenting with someone who loves that baby just as much as her. And I’m not sure what’s going on with the ex. Maybe he’s an asshole. Maybe he cheated. Maybe he did all sorts of stuff. But if he takes her back—there’s just no way I can compete with that.
Why the fuck am I thinking about this? I’m not even interested in being with her like that. I want to fuck her, under certain conditions. But she’s very vulnerable and she might jump to conclusions. I’m not looking for a girlfriend, let alone a partner. No. The only girl I’ve ever wanted that with is Rook.
We don’t talk on the way up to the room. The baby babbles a little and Ashleigh whispers to her about things. Lights, potted plants in the corners, the music in the lobby. The slamming of a door and the ding of the elevator. She explains each stimulus with soft words and a smile.
I turn on the bedside lamps instead of the overhead light and then Ash takes off Kate’s snow gear and settles herself in the chair again. Gone is the teasing about sex. Now she’s exactly like she promised me she would be. Calm.
“Thanks for packing me some stuff,” I say as I grab my toothbrush. “I’m gonna jump in the shower.”
“I’m gonna fall asleep,” she says without opening her eyes.
I watch her for a second. Her body is totally relaxed and I envy her a little because I don’t think I’ve ever been that comfortable in a strange place. Hell, maybe not even in my own home. But she’s here, in a hotel
, in Middle of Nowhere, Utah… and it’s like home to her. It’s almost like everywhere is home for her, because home is Kate.
I take my shower and then put on the cut-off sweats Ashleigh must’ve found in my dresser. I wonder what the hell else she found. I have no idea what’s in that room anymore. I haven’t thought about it in years.
I go back out and the lights are all off. The bathroom light lingers outside the doorway a few feet and I can make out Ashleigh’s body under the covers. The baby is breathing loud and even, sleeping. I turn out the light and climb in next to them. I’ve slept with women, of course. But never slept with them. Like sleeping. That’s not something I like to do. In fact, I’m not so sure about this right now, and my rash decision during check-in might be a mistake. But there’s nowhere else to sleep other than that miniature love seat or the floor. And I’d be a fucking idiot to give up these two for those options.
I lie there, flat on my back, my hands behind my head, looking up at the ceiling.
“Ford?”
“Yes.”
“Want to play a game?”
“What kind of game?”
“A silly junior high one.” She sits up a little and takes her shirt off, then throws it across the room and lies down facing away from me. “You trace a word on my back and I try to guess what it is. If I guess, I get to trace one on yours.”
She stops to see if I’ll protest, but I don’t. My heart beats a little faster at the thought of her behind me, touching my back. “What do I get if you don’t guess?”
“Anything you want that doesn’t involve me getting up from this bed.” She laughs a little. “Because I’m too damn tired to bend over and put my ass in the air right now.”
“What if I don’t guess, then you get to ask me for something?”
“Yes, but I promise not to ask for anything that makes you uncomfortable. How’s that?”
“Then this game has very little risk for either of us.”
“Exactly. It’s a let’s be nice and go to sleep together game.”
I smile. “I think I can handle that. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna win.”
I feel her body shake a little with a silent laugh. “I might just let you win, just to see what it is you want from me tonight.”
“You say that now to compensate for your sub-par performance, but it won’t work. Now hold still so I can write. How many words can it be?”
“One. Just one word.”
“OK.” I think for a moment. “Does it have to be in English?”
She snorts. “Oh, God. I should’ve expected this from you. What language do you want it to be in? I can guess letters.”
“What languages do you know?”
“Some Chinese, but I’m not fluent. And Japanese. I’m better at Japanese.”
“Then Russian’s out, I guess.”
She snorts again. “Definitely.”
“Let’s do hiragana to English for five hundred, please, Alex. Ready?”
“Are you serious? What the hell? Only you can turn a lover’s bedtime game into the SAT’s!”
“You’re gonna miss it, now be still.”
I trace the two Japanese characters very slowly. Hiragana is not intricate like kanji, the shapes are pretty simple. But Ashleigh doesn’t move at all. She’s trying very hard. Or maybe she fell asleep. “OK, what is it?”
“What is mizu, water?”
“You’re smart, Miss Li. I like that. And you phrased your answer in the form of a question, so you’re a Jeopardy watcher. I like you more now.”
She turns over with the baby, who is miraculously still asleep. “My turn. Face the other way. And since you think you’re so smart, let’s do kanji to English for one thousand, please, Alex. I’ll even repeat the pattern three times for you, just so you’re not at a disadvantage.”
I smile and turn over.
“Ready?”
“Ready.”
She traces the lines on my back and I shudder before I can stop the reaction. “You OK?” she asks.
“Yes. Keep going.”
She starts again. “This is the first character.” She draws a lot of lines. One is slanted and almost connected to a vertical one. The rest are horizontal with a box at the bottom. “OK, second one.”
“I’ve already guessed it.”
“You have not, now quiet.” She traces the second character, which is much more complicated than the first. I know the answer, but I want to see what she’ll make me do if she wins, so when she finishes, I lie.
“What is shinkou, faith?”
“Ha! I got you! It’s shinrai, trust.”
“Your characters are sloppy, it’s not my fault.”
She puts her hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “I think you knew it was trust and you’re lying. But I don’t care. I’m gonna take the win because cheating means you forfeit.”
“You got me. Now how can I please you?”
“You have to turn around first.”
“No kissing,” I say as I change positions.
“No, no kissing. I’m not gonna force a man to kiss me, that’s ridiculous. I want to ask a question, but it’s an easy one, is that OK?”
She stares at me in the dim light. She’s not pretty—she’s beautiful. I’m appalled that I didn’t see it immediately. Her dark hair is straight and long, even in the front. So it hangs over her eyes a little and she is constantly brushing it out of her face. Even now, she does this with a gentle sweep of her fingertip. Her nose is small and has a little upturn to it. And her lips. Fuck, her lips are plump in the center and then thin towards the corners of her mouth. I want to bite them, to see if they are as soft as they look, but I take a breath instead. “It’s your win, you can ask away.”
She smiles, but it’s not the devious one like when she ambushed me back in Vail. It makes her eyes lift up a little and the stray light catches them with a glint that makes it impossible for me to look away. “Why do you think you’re weird?” she asks in a whisper. Like it’s a secret.
“I am weird. Everyone knows this.”
Her eyes dart back and forth, watching me like I’m watching her. What does she see? My unshaven jaw? My dark eyes? My thoughts? Is she a mind-reader too? “You’re very handsome,” she says in that low voice. “You’re strong and confident. You’re smart, like super-smart, I think. I found a journal with equations in your closet.”
We’re still watching each other, on the verge of something. A new opinion. A new direction. Something. “You really are a snoop.”
She takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry, did I cross a line?”
“No. Equations are not personal.” She’s visibly relieved. “Are you afraid of me?” I’m not even sure where that came from, the words just fall out of my mouth.
Her head moves, just the slightest shake. “No.” Her voice is so soft, like our lives depend on this perfect discretion in the darkness.
“Even after I spanked you?”
She looks away at the mention of the spankings. She did not like it. Not the way I did it. “We talked about that afterward. It was a game.”
“It’s not a game, Ashleigh. I like that stuff.”
“You don’t like me, do you?” Her lips are frowning now and I hate it. I want more than anything to make that frown go away.
“That’s not true at all. I like you. I’ve told you things over the past few days that I’ve never told anyone.” Her frown remains. “Why are you asking me that?”
“I’m not the girl for you.”
“Is that a question or an answer?”
“Did he send you?”
“What?” That question again. “Did who send me?”
“Never mind. Obviously that’s a no.” She lets out a long breath like she’s disappointed. For a moment I think she’ll turn away and we’ll end the night confused and sad. But then she looks back at me and meets my gaze. “You’re not strange. You’re nice, Ford.”
“Nice?” I shake my head. “Nice? I’m certain no
one has ever called me nice before. I’m a dick. Asshole. Emotionless freak is what most sexual partners end up calling me. But never nice. I think I’ve given you the wrong impression, Ashleigh.”
“No, Ford,” she sighs. “I think you’re trying to make the world believe you’re something you’re not.”
“Now why would I do that?”
That little bit of light filtering in through the sheer curtains is just barely enough to make out the brown of her eyes in the darkness. “I’m not sure. But I think you’re trying to keep people away. Mrs. Pearson said you got in a lot of trouble, but she never said you were weird. She said you were”—Ash stops for a moment, like she’s trying to remember the exact words—“unnaturally bright and curious.”
“I think that was her very diplomatic way of telling a woman who might be in a relationship with me that I’m weird.”
“I think it was a compliment. And you said you have trouble with emotions, but you feel all kinds of things. You were upset with Rook. Mad, maybe sad. Maybe lonely, like me. But you’re loyal to your friend, Ronin. So loyal that you refused to allow yourself to be tempted and you left town in a blizzard on New Year’s Eve. So I think you should give yourself another chance. Stop seeing yourself as Weird Ford and start seeing yourself as Nice Ford.”
“I’m not Nice Ford, Ashleigh.”
“OK,” Compliant Ashleigh says. The girl I saw the first two nights we were together is back. She did promise me she’d be calm, after all. “I like you either way, so it doesn’t matter to me. It’s just a suggestion.” She smiles and then hugs the baby to her bare chest and turns back over. “I’ll sleep facing this way so you’re not uncomfortable. Night, Ford.”
“You’re not even gonna give me a chance to win a round in our game?”
“Nope. You let me win you tonight.” She turns her head a little, but I can make out her profile in the dark. “I’ll let you win me tomorrow.”
I’m glad it’s dark, because I’m grinning big and I don’t feel like hiding it. “I look forward to it, Ashleigh.”
Chapter Twenty-Five