This Time Love

by Elizabeth Lowell

  She didn’t have to wait for an answer. She already knew it. She wanted Gabe with an intensity that she hadn’t ever expected to feel for any man again. The realization frightened her, making her heart race and her mouth dry and her palms damp. She wondered if he’d felt like this when he went back to the mountain that had nearly killed him.

  Terrified.

  She turned to ask him, and as she turned her light swept along the wall of the room.

  The wall returned her light in glorious bursts and ripples. The surface was alive with water, a fantasy of banded flowstone veiled in liquid silver and gold. Water seeped from cracks and tiny channels high in the limestone wall. Water fell in fluid braids and golden veils, clothing the stone in grace.

  The massive flowstone formation suggested a seated woman with her skirts swirling around her and her head thrown back to a limitless sky. Her long, unbound hair was transparent silver strands of water, and her dreams were the thousand pure voices of water singing. At her feet lay curve after curve of multilevel rimstone pools, a fantastic lotus of silver and gold and jade unfolding, revealing the woman seated amid a beauty that could be equaled only by the singing of her dreams.

  Water slipped from pool to pool, each movement a separate voice, a separate song, a separate dream dancing through darkness and sudden light.

  Slowly Joy realized that another light was moving with hers over the face of the Dreamer, doubling the area of illumination. Gabe’s arms were around her, holding her, sharing the moment of discovery; and his name was one of the Dreamer’s songs.

  When she heard him say her name, she turned to him, answering him.

  Wrapped again in velvet darkness, the Dreamer whispered around them, adding two more names of love to its endless song.

  Thirty

  GABE HELD THE RADIOPHONE IN HIS HAND LIKE A POIsonous snake. He didn’t want to take one of the nightly—and, since ten days ago, twice nightly—calls from Gerald Towne. Lost River Cave would close in seven days; his editor didn’t understand why Gabe hadn’t finished up what should have been a simple assignment weeks ago.

  “Like I told you when you called an hour ago,” Gabe began.

  “You’ll be telling me again in another hour if you don’t goddamn listen to me!”

  “The government frowns on swearing over the air.”

  “The government can get hosed. The Chinese have offered this magazine—and you—the chance of a lifetime, but instead of leaping at it you’re being cute and crawling around on your hands and knees in the dark like some crap-for-brains shitkicker that can’t understand what the Tibet assignment means. What the hell is wrong with you!”

  It wasn’t a question, which was good. Gabe didn’t think his editor would like the answer.

  Joy doesn’t love me.

  I’m a selfish bastard, but not selfish enough to ask Joy to share her life with a man she doesn’t love, but might marry so that her daughter can call someone Daddy.

  Maybe that will change in the next week. Maybe in the next seven days Joy will realize she wants more from me than sex.

  God knows I want more than sex from her.

  “I’m sorry,” Gabe said evenly, “but I can’t leave yet. There’s too much left to be done. Only seven more days before—”

  “Chrissake, man, the goddamn cave’s been there forever. Hell, the magazine has enough pull to get it opened again for whatever odds and ends need wrapping up for your article. All I ask is that—”

  “It’s turning into a book,” Gabe cut in. “You’ll get first North American serial rights. And I appreciate the offer about getting the cave opened again. I’ll take you up on it if—”

  Gabe never got to finish. Gerald Towne was yelling the kind of words into the phone that would mean big fines if the feds ever caught up with him.

  From the living room, over the sound of his editor’s outburst, Gabe could clearly hear Kati. He could see her and Joy in the living room, where Joy had dragged her makeshift desk after the interruptions from Gabe’s editor had proved too distracting.

  “Mommy, is Gabe on the phone again?”

  Without looking up from the piled paperwork, Joy made an absent sound. She knew her daughter could see very well that Gabe was in the kitchen talking on the radiophone.

  “Mommy,” Kati said sharply.

  Joy forced herself to confront her daughter. “Yes. Gabe is on the phone. If you turn your head three inches to the right you can see him for yourself.”

  “Why does that man keep bothering Gabe?”

  “Why do you think?” Joy’s voice was brisk. She and Kati had covered this particular ground many times in the past week.

  Kati’s mouth flattened. “He’s going away.”

  It was an accusation.

  In spite of Joy’s determination not to show any emotion, her mouth turned down unhappily. “We’re all going away from Cottonwood Wells, remember?”

  Hope leaped in Kati’s transparent gray eyes. “Together?”

  Pain twisted through Joy. She looked down at the papers stacked in front of her, forms and more forms, epitaph for a dead government grant.

  “Just you and me, button.”

  “Can’t they all come with us? Why can’t they? Why not?”

  Joy fought not to show her impatience and pain at Kati’s insistence that everyone could just find another cave to explore and go on living together forever.

  “Why do you think, Kati?” Joy asked evenly.

  The little girl’s mouth thinned into a stubborn line that was very like Gabe’s. She knew the answer and she didn’t like it. Her chin jutted out. “Don’t want to leave.”

  “No one wants the cave to close,” Joy said, her tone as neutral as she could make it. “But that doesn’t change what will happen next week. The cave will close. Maggie and Fish and Davy all have work to do in New Mexico. Our work here is done. That’s why you and I have to find another place to live.”

  “Don’t want to.”

  “I know.”

  “What about Gabe?” Kati persisted. “He likes me. Can’t he stay with us? He’d be a won-der-ful daddy.”

  Joy winced and ran her hand through her hair. She didn’t want to think of Gabe leaving, of the pain his leaving would cause.

  And the worst of it was the certainty that she wasn’t pregnant. Her period had just ended.

  Soon the cave would close. She and Gabe would go in different directions. She didn’t fool herself that now she would find other men sexually appealing. If anything, it was the opposite. When Gabe left, he would take with him any hope of a sibling to ease Kati’s lonely-only life. All that remained would be memories. Memories and dreams.

  A lifetime of them defining the lonely present.

  “Isn’t that a good idea, Mommy? Having Gabe for my daddy?” Kati leaned forward now, her young voice challenging, rising into anger.

  Joy knew her daughter was spoiling for a fight. Right now, Joy was trying to avoid one because her own temper was uncertain. Like her emotions. Raw.

  “Mommy’s busy right now, button. Laura and Susan are in Maggie’s cabin. Weren’t you going to help them fix cookies for the barbecue tonight?”

  “Don’t want to.”

  Joy didn’t respond. Kati’s voice and eyes said more than her words. Her daughter didn’t want to do anything now except fight, blow up, release the pressures that came from the growing, unwanted certainty that the cave would close and they would move and nothing would ever be the same again.

  “Don’t want to!”

  “That’s enough,” Joy said in a clipped voice. “Gabe can’t hear the man on the phone if you’re shouting.”

  “Don’t care!” Kati retorted, her voice rising higher. Her face was flushed and her eyes were narrowed. “He’s leaving and I don’t care!”

  Gabe hung up the radiophone, cutting his editor off. He crossed the kitchen quickly, silently, not stopping until he saw Joy’s face. The anger and the underlying pain in Kati’s voice were reflected in her mo
ther’s expression. The pale exhaustion of Joy’s features told him more than he wanted to know.

  He’d said little to her about his editor’s frequent and increasingly irate calls. Gerald Towne wanted to know more than the arrival date of a cave article. He wanted to know why Gabe hadn’t left Cottonwood Wells ten days ago, when the Chinese had come through with their incredible, totally unexpected offer of allowing him unfettered access to Tibet and its people.

  The Chinese could change their minds in the next hour! Don’t be a fucking idiot! Grab that story or you’re finished!

  “I think it’s time for you to pack your clean clothes,” Joy said. “Susan will want to leave right after dinner, and—”

  “Don’t want to! Don’t—”

  “Kati,” he interrupted firmly, “your mother has work to do. I’ll help you pack.”

  The little girl gave him a look that was pure mutiny.

  “Hey, button,” he said in a gentle voice, “even if you bug your mom so that she can’t get any work done, Lost River Cave will still close right on time. There’s nothing you can do about it except help make it easier for your mom—and for yourself—by being as cheerful as you can.”

  It was the truth, and that only made it harder to take.

  Kati had finally found the excuse she was looking for. “I hate you! I’m glad you’re leaving! I’m glad you aren’t my daddy!”

  She turned and bolted to her bedroom before either adult could stop her. The door slammed behind her. Hard.

  Joy came to her feet and started for Kati’s room.

  Gabe intercepted her. Despite his grim expression, his voice was quiet. “I don’t want her punished for being honest.”

  “That wasn’t honesty,” she said, her eyes dark with anger. “That was plain old-fashioned revenge.”

  “For what?”

  “What do you think?” she asked angrily as her own temper slipped out of control. “Because Kati loves you and you’re leaving, and she wants you to be her daddy very much.” She took a harsh breath and leashed her temper. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”

  “How do you think it sounded?”

  “Like a cage door shutting.” She turned away and sat down at the table again. “I’ll give her ten minutes to get a handle on her redheaded temper, and then I’m going in after her.”

  By then I might even have a better handle on my own temper, Joy added to herself sardonically.

  “She’s hurting,” Gabe said.

  “That’s no excuse for lashing out at you like that. You’ve been more of a father to her in the last five weeks than some kids get in years of living with a full-time dad.”

  Gabe just shook his head.

  Joy threw down her pen. “You’ve played War and Go Fish with her, talked with her about mountain peaks and coral reefs and jungle butterflies, and walked with her while she showed you lizards and coyote tracks and cactus. You’ve washed her clothes, fed her peanut butter sandwiches, and tucked her into bed at night with a story and a hug.”

  “It’s not enough. Not nearly enough.”

  Joy blew out a fierce breath. “It’s never enough with children. Welcome to the wonderful world of parenting.”

  He sat heavily on the couch and closed his eyes.

  She looked at the lines on his face and remembered all the smiles and laughter he’d shared with Kati. He’s given her so many beautiful memories—and what does she do? She throws it in his face.

  Because she wanted it all.

  Like me.

  Greedy little girl.

  When Gabe opened his eyes again, Joy was hard at work on the endless, frustrating government forms. Each hour, each minute, each second that she spent on paperwork meant less time between now and the moment Lost River Cave would close. He knew how much that must be gnawing at her. He’d shared the magic of exploration with her, the overwhelming instants of beauty and discovery.

  Yet instead of being out exploring right now, she was stuck inside filling out forms in quintuplicate, hearing seconds tick away in her head. No wonder she was ready to scream.

  Like Kati.

  Like him.

  He wanted to go to Joy, to ease the knots in her shoulder muscles that came from tension, to feel her warmth flowing up through his hands and to hear her groan of thanks when she relaxed beneath his touch. He wanted to help her, to take some of the load that she was carrying, to share all of it, the good and the bad and everything in between.

  And all he could hear was the clock ticking, telling him that he’d lost more than time. He’d lost a woman’s love.

  The only time he heard Joy say I love you was in his memories and dreams. The words that she’d given to him so freely seven years ago didn’t exist on her lips now.

  Without those words he couldn’t believe she’d forgiven him.

  It was too soon for you to love seven years ago—and now it’s too late for me.

  Yet he hungered for her love. He needed it as deeply as he needed her. He ached to know that she wanted more than the physical ecstasy he could give her.

  Most of all he needed time to win her again.

  There wasn’t enough time.

  He was looking at seven years ago all over again, but this time he knew all that was at stake. Like the Orinoco River expedition, the Chinese offer was literally a once-in-a-lifetime thing. Not only had he never been to Tibet, but he’d be the first Westerner in two generations to have the freedom of the land. All of it. No boundaries, no political hassle, nothing but a glittering undiscovered landscape stretching across the top of the world.

  Turning down the Tibet offer would be the end of his relationship with the magazine and the editor who had been the backbone of his career.

  And for what?

  For a woman who doesn’t love me.

  That was the new twist in an old tangle. He loved.

  She didn’t.

  There were other differences. She wasn’t pregnant. She wasn’t twenty. She wasn’t interested in a life with him. He was free to go to Tibet right now. The Lost River Cave story had been wrapped up weeks ago, in the bag, everything ready to go.

  Except me. I’ve been stalling. I’m still stalling.

  Like Kati, I want it all.

  Like Kati, I’m afraid I’ve already lost it.

  Through his circling thoughts he heard the bedroom door opening and light footsteps coming across the bare wood floor. He expected the footsteps to stop at Joy’s chair while Kati apologized for her tantrum and reassured herself that her mother still loved her even when she wasn’t acting lovable.

  The footsteps didn’t stop. They came straight across the room to where he sat with his head resting against the back of the sagging couch and his eyes closed.

  He opened them.

  Kati was watching him, her little face wan.

  He held out his arms and she ran into them, clinging to him as he lifted her into his lap. Suddenly she was sobbing against his chest like she had a lifetime of tears and only a few seconds to cry.

  With a gentle hand Gabe stroked his daughter’s fiery hair and shaking body. Between her broken apologies he gave her reassuring words. He was still her friend. Friends didn’t stop being friends just because they got angry sometimes.

  After a while the emotional storm passed, leaving Kati spent and silent but for an occasional ragged breath. When even that stopped, she lay quietly against him, watching his face.

  “Okay now, button?” he asked softly.

  “Okay.”

  Without warning she wrapped her arms around his neck, kissed his cheek hard, and said, “I love you better than anyone but Mommy.”

  Before he could respond, Kati was off his lap and dancing away across the living room. The front screen door slammed behind her.

  “Susan!” Kati called across the yard, her voice bubbling with life again. “Is it time to make cookies yet?”

  Gabe looked up and saw tears glittering in Joy’s eyes.

  Instantly
she looked back down at the paperwork, concealing her face from him.

  He wanted to go to her, to comfort her and himself, to hold her and be held while reassurances flowed like tears between them. He wanted to wipe out the past, to make time a closed loop surrounding him, Joy in his arms and he in hers. No Orinoco seven years ago. No time running out tomorrow.

  Nothing but the two of them.

  And love.

  But time doesn’t go backward or in circles, Gabe told himself painfully. One way only. Straight ahead. I’m stuck going with it no matter what.

  Don’t want to! said part of his mind, echoing Kati’s angry yell.

  Then stay.

  With a woman who doesn’t love me and no job at all?

  How do you know she doesn’t love you?

  I betrayed her. How could she love a man who betrayed her?

  She forgave you.

  Did she? Did she really? Then why doesn’t she talk to me about the future? About love. Because she doesn’t love me and there’s no future, that’s why.

  Fool. Why do you think she’s sleeping with you?

  Passion. With her I’m one hell of a lover.

  And without her you’re one hell of a fool.

  In silence and darkness his internal argument raged without pause, like the undiscovered Lost River itself, pounding and grinding against existing channels and tunnels and troughs, trying to find new solutions to old questions of how to get there from here.

  He had until tomorrow morning to find one. Then Towne would demand an answer.

  Don’t want to! wouldn’t get it done.

  Thirty-one

  GABE REFUSED TO SPOIL THE BARBECUE THAT KATI HAD looked forward to like it was Christmas come early. He put away his bleak thoughts and sat outside with his daughter on his lap and the woman he loved curled against his shoulder while they sang all the old camp songs. With every note, he tried not to think that this might be his last chance to look up with Kati at the Glitter River and try to count the timeless, cascading possibilities of life.

  When the last phrase of the last song faded into the deep silence of desert night, he carried his sleeping daughter to Susan’s car. The old station wagon had been made up as a bed. Gently he put Kati in the back next to her sleepy chum, kissed Kati’s soft hair, fastened both seatbelts, and tucked a blanket around the girls.