Discern (Discern Saga, Book #1)

by Samantha Shakespeare

  “They won’t,” I assured.

  He carefully bent down, and lightly placed his warm, soft lips against my forehead. “Tomorrow,” he whispered.

  Our eyes met one last time before I slid into my car. I would have preferred that his lips touch mine, but he probably would have shunned me if I tried. He slowly disappeared in the rearview mirror as I drove away.

  12

  Goodbye

  Today was going to be difficult as I had much to contemplate. The past two days had been surreal. “Ouch!” I exclaimed, pinching my skin as hard as I could. I wasn’t dreaming, and this wasn’t some fantasy book. Nothing seemed like a fantasy, besides the way it felt when he and I touched. Inhaling deeply, I recalled the feeling of that sensation.

  My mind wandered, imagining what our first kiss would be like. If it was anything like our touch, I wasn’t sure I could contain these new desires that seemed to be creeping in. I blushed at the thought of feeling his lips against mine. I had never wanted something as much as I wanted that kiss.

  My smile faded, knowing I had a choice to make today. At least I hoped it was really my choice and he hadn’t left while I slept. I had so many questions remaining that only he could answer. I really didn’t need time to mull this over. A part of my heart had been his since the day we touched, and the voice of reason in my head was too faint to be heard any longer.

  There was no way to disregard the part where he was immortal and consumed human souls, but I was drawn to him. Something I could not myself even explain. There may only be half of my heart that I can give now, but in time, the other half would return, and it would be his as well.

  My father was getting ready to watch the football game. I trotted downstairs to share a quick moment with him before his friends arrived.

  “Good afternoon, daddy.” I tried to sound happy.

  “Good afternoon, sweetie. Glad to see you made it home last night.”

  “Dad, I always come home.”

  “So are you going to tell me more about your friend?”

  “What friend?”

  “The one you snuck off with the other night,” he smirked.

  “Oh, that friend,” I said slowly, buying some time. “Well, I’m not exactly clear on how I feel about my friend,” I replied sharply.

  “No need to get upset. I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

  “I’m sorry. I have a lot on my mind. But don’t worry about me, I’m always safe,” I lied.

  “Good.”

  A knock at the door sent me running upstairs. My father’s friends had arrived.

  “Where are you going?!” my father shouted.

  I slowly stomped back downstairs. “I have a paper due,” I lied again. I hated lying, but choosing to be with Andrew meant lying was going to be a big part of my life.

  He stood at the bottom of the stairs with a look of concern. “You sure you’re all right?”

  “Yes, dad, I’m fine,” I sighed. Fooling my dad was usually easy when the house was filled with testosterone.

  “Let me know if you need me, sweetie. I’ll gladly take time out for you,” he smiled.

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  I ran back up the stairs and into my room, flopping down on the bed. It was only noon, but I decided to check my phone. No missed calls. I sighed heavily and grabbed my laptop. I decided to search for the word Parevite, but I stopped myself. Internet searches could be easily tracked, and I had no intention of giving away Andrew’s secret—although knowing it weighed heavy on my mind. The danger of being involved with a creature, such as he, was frightening. Even referring to him as a creature conjured up mixed feelings. But I knew what I truly had to contemplate was my mother’s death and healing the hole it had left.

  The smell of raspberries and pears with a little dash of gardenias flooded my senses. Thoughts of my mother began to surface. She would always dab a little perfume on in the morning before starting her day. No matter if she was doing a little housework or getting ready for one of her charity events. Every morning began the same and every evening ended the same as well. She was consistent.

  The sound of her singing preceded her every morning as she entered my room. Each day she sang a different lullaby. She would gently stroke my forehead to wake me from my sleep. The warmth of her hand was reassuring, and her kiss was comforting. She was my whole world—she meant everything to me.

  In the evening, she would lightly tap on my door as she stood there, waiting for my nod. Neatly straightening out my blanket and gently tucking the corners around my waist, she would simply smile while leaning over me, and whisper ever so softly, ‘you are the best thing that ever happened to me.’ I would whisper back ‘I love you, mom.’ She would kiss my forehead, click on my lamp, flick off the overhead light and stroll out of my room.

  Those moments with my mother had been taken for granted. I assumed she would be the one constant in my life. Those moments, however, eventually turned painful as she began her decent into darkness. There were no more kisses, no more loving words and no more goodnights. Only rejection and tears were left in their place. She was rarely home in the last few months of her life.

  My mother slowly died as she battled a memory from her childhood that had resurfaced after her father’s death. He was an evil man that did not deserve the air he breathed. If it weren’t for his actions, my mother would still be alive.

  The teardrops steadily dropped onto my hands as they fell. I needed to stop dwelling on my mother’s death. She was gone, and there was nothing I could do to change that fact.

  My thoughts switched to Andrew. My phone had been quiet all day long. It was almost 5 o’clock now and no word from him yet. But even if he called right now, he would know I hadn’t truly dealt with the issue yet. There was only one thing to do.

  I threw on an old pair of jeans and a sweater and rushed downstairs. My father was napping on the couch. I scribbled a few words down on piece of blank paper.

  Dad,

  Left to take a drive. Yes, I’m fine, I will return.

  Love,

  Haley

  I slid the note on top of the dark, walnut brown coffee table. My mother had purchased every piece of furniture in this house. I ran my finger along the light, tan condensation ring that was left accidentally by one of my glasses. My mother had been so upset with me. I had forgotten to use a coaster and damaged the wood. I remember trying to use a marker to cover up the ring, but she noticed it.

  She hadn’t really been that upset with me because of the ring, it was more because I lied to her and told her that dad had done it. No matter how upset she was with me, she never really punished me. She said I never did anything truly bad, so she had no need to.

  I gently touched my father’s shoulder. ‘I love you’ I whispered in his ear. He couldn’t hear me, but I wanted to make sure I said it before leaving. I planned on returning home, but I could no longer be certain of this with everything that had happened.

  The streets were dark. The decorative black iron streetlights’ glow was dim. Sunday nights in Boulder’s downtown were reminiscent of an old ghost town. The locals stayed inside this time of year. And the ski season hadn’t begun, so the streets weren’t filled with the usual California tourist looking to have a good time.

  The flower gardens that once lined the red brick sidewalks had since lost their blooms and were now just brown withered pieces of grass waiting for the winter snow to destroy them completely. I cracked the windows of my car, allowing the cool October air to gently caress my face. The smell of burning wood hinted at winter’s return.

  I jumped north on highway thirty-six, impatiently weaving in and out of what little traffic there was. Boulder had become a traffic nightmare in the past ten years, but thankfully most everyone seemed to be at home tonight. My destination was only a few miles away, but it still felt far. I impatiently tapped my fingers on the steering wheel.

  I veered onto the Kalmia Avenue exit ramp and sped down the street. Bright shining
floodlights lit the orange stone entrance sign. The black iron gates were still wide open. I cautiously drove up the paved road. My mother’s grave was near the large stone sign with praying hands.

  I stopped the car. I inhaled deeply. I could do this. I was ready. I would finally say goodbye to my mother. She was gone, and I could face this now. I reached across the passenger seat, popped open the glove box and blindly searched with my hand.

  I wrapped my fingers around the cool, metal flashlight. My father always put one in every car. I pressed the button to make sure it worked before I was out too far in the cemetery.

  If I had chosen to do this later in the month, I wouldn’t have been alone. Teenagers loved to come out here and cause a few scares. But Halloween was not for another week or so, and no one ever ventured out here this time of night.

  I pointed the flashlight out toward the cemetery and began walking. I hadn’t been here since her funeral. I avoided everything that was even close to the cemetery. Just passing by this place would have been too much to handle.

  The silence was eerie. No bugs chirping, no wind was blowing, no cars driving by, just the sound of my feet crunching down on the dead grass. A chill ran down my spine. I started thinking about souls. Were any of the dead that lay under my feet without a soul? Where did our souls go once we died? Did reincarnation really exist? I had so many questions left for Andrew to answer.

  I slid my phone out from my jeans pocket—still no call. There was no signal—of course the cemetery would be a dead zone. I chuckled darkly to myself. I couldn’t allow my mind to wander and start panicking yet. He would call and if not, I would see him tomorrow night. I told myself this, trying not to get hysterical over something I could not control.

  My light shined on her black, granite headstone. I was taken aback for a moment as I softly kneeled down in front of her grave. Fresh lilies had been placed at her headstone—they had always been her favorite flowers. My father and I were the only ones that had known this small fact. He must have visited her recently. No matter how I thought he was moving on, he really wasn’t. He was just as lost as me; only he could bear to be near the reminder of her death.

  I closed my eyes, trying to keep my momentum going. Coming back to this place meant she was really gone. How I wished she wasn’t. If I could have one wish it would be to have her here again. She was my mother, my idol and my best friend.

  I slid my hand gently across her headstone. Feeling the etched letters:

  In Loving Memory of

  Mary Ann Elizabeth Helms

  August 12, 1956 – December 30, 2008

  A wonderful wife, mother, and humanitarian

  that will truly be missed; we love you

  and we will see you again.

  My body was rigid. Everything inscribed on her headstone was true, nothing made up, except for the last part. I wasn’t sure if I would ever see her or hear her sweet voice again. Although, if something as powerful as Andrew existed, then seeing her again seemed possible.

  “Mother,” I whispered aloud.

  “I know you probably can’t hear me, but I need you now more than ever. I’m so scared and lost. Your touch was the only thing that ever calmed my fears. I know we can no longer touch, but I hate that you left me here all alone.” My voice became louder.

  “You left dad and me here to clean up your mess!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.

  “How could you?” I demanded. “How could you leave me, your only daughter, to fend for herself? I did the only thing I knew how and poured my attention on someone else to forget the pain of your death that left an empty shell behind with no heart to give. You ripped my heart out and took it with you when you left,” I cried.

  “I want it back. I want to be able to love someone. I deserve happiness and so does dad.” I beat my fist upon the cold, hard ground.

  The smell of dirt filled my nostrils as I lay my face against the ground. “Please, please, I beg you to let me heal. I just want to move on,” I pleaded.

  “I know the world isn’t what it appears to be. I’ve discovered some things that they never tell you about in history books,” I sobbed, shaking my head. “I’m sure you know the truth, but I know it now, too,” I explained foolishly to a piece of black stone.

  I wiped the tears from my cheeks. My fists were black from pounding them against the earth. “I think I love someone,” I admitted softly. “I think he loves me, too.”

  “He knows a lot about history, because he has lived it all. You would love to hear his stories. He was a Greek God, he played kings, emperors and everything you could imagine,” I explained excitedly.

  “He could’ve told you all about those times. I know you love that time in history. I remember that little gold book you used to read over and over again. I finally moved it to the bookshelf in my room. I know how you cherished it. It gave you a glimmer of hope that those fairytales were real and they are, Mom. They are real. And if you approve of him, I can find out more,” I wept.

  “He can’t die, so he’ll never leave me,” I said, shaking my head. “He won’t leave me like you did.” I shouldn’t blame my mother for leaving, it wasn’t as if she committed suicide, but she did take risky chances that inevitably ended her life.

  “He’s so beautiful. His eyes are like crystals, his skin so smooth and his body so warm. When we touch, I feel sparks. I knew from our first touch he wasn’t ordinary, and now I yearn to be with him more than ever. I’ve never felt this connection with anyone. Never,” I whispered.

  I wish I could hear her voice—just one word that reassured me that she would approve of Andrew. But that was a wish I was certain would never come true. Slowly lifting my face from the ground, I wiped away the dirt and cradled my knees—rocking back and forth.

  “I love you, mom. I’m sorry for what your father did but it wasn’t worth throwing your life away. You don’t need a speech from me, but I miss you. I miss everything about you. I’d take your disapproving look over no look any day. But I know you aren’t coming back. So I’m taking my heart back, and I’m going to give it to someone special. I promise to visit more often. The emptiness inside is beginning to go away, and I can do this now. I can come and talk to you, just like old times,” I smiled, gently stroking the cold, hard stone. “Good bye, mom, and I love you,” I whispered.

  I stood up and brushed off my jeans, giving her headstone one last look. I began my journey back to the car. I realized I was still crying, as I tasted the salt from my tears.

  My heart still ached, but I wanted to be with Andrew. Would he know that it hadn’t completely healed though and reject the idea of us being together? I stopped and closed my eyes.

  “Haley.” A whisper came from the dark.

  I froze. Every hair on my body stood straight up. I kept my eyes closed, hoping I had imagined hearing my name.

  “Haley.” I heard once more.

  I opened my eyes and spun in the direction of the whisper. “Andrew!” I gasped.

  He pulled my body close, wiping the last remaining tear from my cheek. “How are you feeling?”

  His touch warmed my frigid body. “Confused.”

  “About what?”

  “Wondering if you still want me?” My eyes dropped.

  He lifted my chin with one finger, forcing me to look at him. “It takes time to heal, and you’ve only just begun.”

  “Does this mean we can’t be together?” I asked. I closed my lids tightly trying to fight back a complete breakdown.

  His fingers ran across my eyelids. “I never said you had to be completely healed,” he laughed.

  “This is funny to you?”

  “No, Haley, none of this is humorous,” he said sternly. “But I wasn’t expecting you to be completely healed tonight.”

  “You said that you wanted all of my heart, and I can’t give that to you tonight,” I said frustrated.

  “I do, but you just trying to heal yourself is enough for now.”

  “I’m trying, harder t
han I ever have before.”

  “I know, and it brings me great pleasure that I’m a part of that reason,” he smiled.

  “I guess I don’t need to tell you my feelings,” I said, assuming he already knew.

  “And why not?”

  “You already know.”

  “Oh, I see…” he paused “Let me clarify my ability.”

  “Yes, please do.”

  “I can’t read your mind. I don’t know your every thought. I can only sense emotions. And believe me, sometimes when I’m deeply involved, those senses can be clouded by my own emotion. So I do need to hear how you feel and what you want.” His voice was soft and vulnerable.

  “My feelings haven’t changed,” I said, knowing there was more I wanted to say, but couldn’t muster the courage to speak it.

  “Have you given everything, and I mean everything, an immense amount of thought?” From soft and vulnerable, his voice turned to intense and focused.

  “Yes, I did, as you told me to.”

  “You realize the danger of being with something like me?”

  “Yes. But there’s danger with anyone that I might choose.” I offered my small amount of wisdom.

  “Haley, the danger factor is not really comparable between a mortal and an immortal.”

  “If I break down every little piece of what our relationship would be like, that wouldn’t be fair. Because I would just be using my knowledge to keep myself guarded and never be able to love,” I explained.

  “Haley, you have to do this, I cannot bring you in to my world without knowing that this is everything you want.”

  “I cannot and will not do that.”

  “Then we cannot be together.”

  I gripped his hand tightly. “I’ve never felt as alive as I do with you, and if it means death, then so be it. At least I got the chance to really be able to love and feel alive,” I breathed.

  I closed my eyes. Confessing my desire to be near was probably not enough for him. I inhaled and exhaled deeply, ready to open my eyes and face the rejection. But before I could, an intense amount of warmth began heating my body.