The Time of My Life

by Cecelia Ahern

  ‘I’m your life and he just slept with you, what else were we going to talk about? He gave you four out of ten, by the way.’

  ‘Don’t listen to him.’

  ‘I never do.’

  ‘There’s coffee in the pot,’ Life said.

  ‘You leave me some coffee but you don’t make me breakfast?’ I said to Life.

  ‘I didn’t make breakfast.’

  ‘Oh.’ I looked at Don.

  ‘It’s in the oven,’ he said. ‘Warming.’

  ‘Oh. Thanks.’ Very unusual behaviour for a man who never wanted to see me again, but still, I had hope. Rather self-consciously I opened the oven door.

  ‘Be careful, the plate’s hot,’ Don warned but my brain took a while to compute the meaning of his words and it was too late. My hand was stuck to the plate. I screeched. Don jumped off the stool and grabbed my hand.

  ‘Let me see,’ he said, his voice and face all concerned. Even through my excruciating pain I took a moment to take in his face, all dark and concerned and beautiful. But the pain, the pain overtook all cuteness. Don held my hand in his and guided me around the kitchen like he was Ratatouille. I ended up with my hand underneath the cold tap and Don wouldn’t let go of me, even when the water became too cold and I wanted to take it away. ‘You have to leave it there for at least five minutes, Lucy,’ he said sternly.

  I opened my mouth but I decided not to object.

  ‘How did you do that?’ Life asked, impressed.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Make her not answer back.’

  Don smiled briefly, then concentrated on my hand with that concerned look.

  ‘I think you’ll have to amputate,’ Life said, still sitting down and shovelling another forkful of egg into his mouth.

  ‘Thanks for your concern. This,’ I nodded at Don, ‘this is proper concern.’

  ‘He just slept with you, he has to pretend to respect you.’

  He joked but I knew that my life was impressed and I could tell that he was happy. He was wearing a new suit, navy blue, which brought out the colour of his eyes, which had once been nondescript and were now strikingly blue. His cold had cleared up, leaving his nose less large looking, his teeth had been brushed, his breath was better and he looked good. He sounded happy; he teased me but with love. It should have made me happy too, but it concerned me. I was unsure. Something was wrong.

  ‘Why are you so dressed up?’ I asked him.

  ‘Because I’m meeting your parents this evening,’ he said.

  Don looked at me, with sympathy I think, which I appreciated.

  ‘Actually, not just me. We are meeting your parents. I called your house yesterday and spoke to a lovely woman named Edith. She was very sweet and very excited that we were both coming to visit, she said she’d inform your parents immediately and prepare a special dinner.’

  I think I had a mini panic attack. ‘Do you have any idea what you’ve just done?’

  ‘Yes. I returned your many calls from your mother for you, which you need to thank me for. Your mother needs you and you haven’t been there. She also needs you.’ He looked at Don. ‘There’s coffee on the carpet on the Persian rug in the drawing room.’ Life made a mock shock-horror face. ‘So I gave her your number.’

  I was more angry over him giving my mum Don’s number than arranging a dinner. There I was trying to find ways to get rid of Don and already he was going to infiltrate my parents’ home. He would be the only man in the world apart from my life to be in both my home and theirs.

  ‘You don’t understand how unnecessary this is. You have no idea how much she doesn’t need me. She is perfectly capable of organising her own funeral without any help from anyone. As for my dad … Jesus, what have you done? He’s going to meet you? He will have nothing to say to you, absolutely nothing.’ I put my head in my only free hand and then realised Don was listening to everything so I removed my hand and acted as if I hadn’t said any of those things. ‘It looks nice out today, doesn’t it?’

  Life shook his head at Don. Don, who was still holding my hand under the freezing cold water, did something with his entire being, without moving an inch or saying a word, but which let me know that he was there for me.

  We stepped out into the chilly morning, colder because we stood in the shadow cast by my apartment building. Across the road in the park we could see sunlight, but no sun could reach where we were standing and my wrap-around dress whipped up around my thighs as the wind blew. My hands tried desperately to keep it down and though it was nothing he hadn’t seen before, it was different now.

  ‘Would you like a lift in my superhero car?’ Don asked casually but I could tell he was feeling uncomfortable. Not only was he embarrassed about his mode of transport but it was the morning after the night before, night had become day and he was still in the same clothes, and I was detached, and had been for the past half–hour. I wasn’t giving him very much to cling onto.

  ‘No thanks, I have to drive to my parents straight after work.’

  Now for the awkward moment: did we shake hands, high-five or kiss goodbye? Mr Don Lockwood, thank you ever so much for the hot random spontaneous sex, it was truly a pleasure being acquainted with you and your private parts but really I must dash and tell my ex-boyfriend I still love him. Toodle-pips.

  ‘I have a day off tomorrow, if you’d like to meet up. Go for lunch. Or have coffee, or dinner or drinks.’

  ‘That’s a lot of options,’ I said awkwardly, trying to figure out how to say none of the above in a polite way. ‘I have to take a trip after work and I won’t be back until …’ I was going to say ‘late’ but maybe Blake would take me back then and there and I’d have to hire a removal van to pack up my flat and relocate to Bastardstown, Co. Wexford. That should have felt exciting, but it didn’t, because I loved my little flat and I didn’t want to ever leave it. Would Blake come and live with me in it? The Blake I once knew wouldn’t have been seen dead in a flat like that, there wasn’t enough surface in the kitchen for him to roll out the dough for his pizza base, and if he tossed it in the air it would get stuck in the strip lighting. We’d be battling for space on the curtain beam – he had as many clothes as I did – and he probably wouldn’t fit in the narrow bath, never mind the two of us like we used to do on Sunday evenings with a bottle of wine. I pictured Jenna wrapping her legs around his waist in the tub and my heart began pumping at top speed again. I got lost in my mind trying to figure out the logistics of my future with Blake in my new life while Don was looking at me.

  ‘Of course,’ he said, studying me a little too intensely for my liking. ‘You’re going to see your ex.’

  I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything.

  He cleared his throat. ‘It’s not much of my business but …’ And then he decided not to go there, maybe because I had looked away. His new tone surprised me; it was immediately distanced, a little bit hardened. ‘Okay, well, thanks for last night.’ I looked at him and he nodded and walked away. He waved at Life, Life waved back, and he got into his car, started up the engine. I didn’t want it to end like this, even though it had been me who had led it in this direction, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I didn’t want the outcome reversed, just how it came about, so I watched him drive away feeling like the biggest bitch in the world and then I headed to my car.

  ‘Hey.’ Life chased after me. ‘What happened?’

  ‘Nothing happened.’

  ‘He just walked off, did you have a fight?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Did he ask you out again?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘I can’t. We’re going away tomorrow.’

  I put the key in the car door but it wouldn’t budge. I battled with it under Life’s stare.

  ‘We’re going there and back for the evening. You’ll be back again late tomorrow night.’

  ‘Yeah, maybe.’

  ‘What do you mean, maybe?’

  I was
frustrated with the key, I was frustrated with my life and I snapped.

  ‘Tomorrow I am going to tell the love of my life that I am still in love with him. Do you think for one minute that I’m hoping I’ll be back by tomorrow night in order to go on a date with a man who drives a yellow van with a magic carpet on it?’

  Life was momentarily stunned, then he took the key from my hand, turned it gently and the door opened. ‘Let’s go,’ he said.

  ‘That’s it?’ I watched him walk around the car to the passenger side, cool, calm and collected.

  He shrugged.

  ‘No lectures, no weird psychology, no metaphors, that’s it?’

  ‘Don’t worry, nothing speaks louder than a lifetime of regret and self-loathing.’ He got into the car and turned on the radio.

  Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’ was playing. He turned it up.

  I turned it down. He turned it back up. I listened for a short while about how her love had moved on and found somebody else but eventually I had to change it to NewsTalk.

  He looked at me and frowned. ‘You don’t like music?’

  ‘I love music, I just don’t listen to it any more.’

  He twisted around in his seat to look at me. ‘Since when?’

  I pretended to think about it. ‘About two years.’

  ‘Two years, eleven months and twenty days, by any chance?’

  ‘That’s a bit specific, I don’t know.’

  ‘Yes, you do.’

  ‘OK, fine.’

  ‘You can’t listen to music.’

  ‘I didn’t say I can’t.’

  He switched over to Adele again. I quickly switched it off.

  ‘Ha!’ he said and pointed a finger at me. ‘You can’t listen to music.’

  ‘Fine! It makes me sad. Why are you so happy about that?’

  ‘I’m not,’ he snapped. ‘I’m just happy I’m right.’

  We looked away from each other, both in a huff now. I felt that today was one of those days that I did not love my life.

  I lost him in the queues to get through security and into Mantic, and after searching around for him in every place I could think of I eventually gave up and went to the office by myself; but he’d got there before me and was sitting in the black leather chair being questioned by a rapidly speaking Mouse who was reading from a sheet of paper. Nosy had Graham’s watch in her hand, set to stopwatch mode, Twitch was standing by with the largest beam on his face drinking from his Best Dad in the World mug. I joined him and watched my life.

  ‘In what year did Lucy get so drunk she went to a tattoo parlour and got a heart tattoo?’

  ‘2000,’ Life responded instantly.

  My eyes widened. I was his specialist subject.

  ‘And where is said tattoo?’

  ‘On her arse.’

  ‘Be more specific.’

  Life flapped at the air trying to think. ‘I saw it this morning. Eh … eh … eh, her left buttock.’

  ‘Correct.’

  Graham looked at me with hungry eyes and everyone cheered.

  ‘At the tender age of five, Lucy got her first stage role as what in The Wizard of Oz?’

  ‘A Munchkin.’

  ‘What did she do on the opening night?’

  ‘Peed her pants and had to be taken off stage.’

  ‘Correct!’ Mary laughed.

  ‘Ah Lucy, there you are,’ Twitch said, finally noticing me. ‘I had a word with the cafeteria this morning about your three-bean salad.’

  I had to take a moment to remember.

  ‘I told them that a colleague of mine had purchased the salad and that as far as we could see there were only two bean types in the three-bean salad. She asked me if I’d seen my colleague eat the beans to which I took enormous offence and asked to see the manager. Anyway, to make a long story short because I was in there a very long time assuring them of your word …’

  The others cheered at another correct response from Life but I was so touched that Twitch still believed in me despite the Spanish incident that I didn’t want to tune into them.

  ‘… while I was in there they checked the remaining containers and indeed you’re right, the entire stock of three-bean salads consisted of only two beans. It was missing the cannellini beans which to be perfectly honest isn’t a bean that I’m familiar with.’ He was clearly in awe of this discovery. ‘So I said to the manager, “How do you intend on compensating my colleague who did not receive what was promised, it’s like a shepherd’s pie without the lamb, a sherry trifle without the sherry. It’s simply unacceptable.”’

  ‘Oh, Quentin.’ I covered my mouth and tried not to laugh at his deathly serious face. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘No need to thank me …’ He reached into his bottom drawer and retrieved a brown paper bag. ‘Here it is, a complimentary two-bean salad and a voucher for lunch.’

  ‘Quentin.’ I threw my arms around him. ‘Thank you.’

  He was a little flustered.

  ‘Thank you for defending my honour.’

  Fish Face entered the office and eyed everyone up, took in Quentin and me standing away from the others.

  ‘I always have your back, Lucy, don’t you worry,’ Twitch said, just as Edna walked by.

  Edna eyed me warily and I knew instantly that she thought we were talking about how Quentin was protecting me over the Spanish inquisition.

  ‘I’m sorry, could you please repeat the question,’ Life said loudly for my benefit only.

  ‘What language,’ Mary asked timidly but with the greatest smile, ‘does Lucy’s CV say she can speak but in truth has no knowledge of?’

  ‘Well, you all know this one,’ Life said. ‘On three. One, two …’

  ‘Spanish!’ they all shouted simultaneously, including Twitch, and they all looked at me and laughed.

  I couldn’t help but join in. I think I had just been forgiven.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  ‘So you’re Lucy’s life.’ Nosy was sitting on the edge of Life’s new desk, which he’d assigned for himself further away from me. Louise had positioned herself there for the last few minutes and was heavily monitoring him.

  ‘Yep,’ he replied, tapping away on his laptop, not looking at her.

  ‘And that’s your job?’ she asked.

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Are you anyone else’s life as well?’

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘So it’s just one person at a time.’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘When she dies, do you die?’

  He stopped tapping and raised his head slowly. He glared at her, she didn’t take the hint.

  ‘Do you?’ she asked again. ‘And I don’t mean, if you’re both in the same car accident. I mean, if she dies and you’re in a different place do you drop dead too?’

  He began typing again.

  She chewed her bubble gum, blew a small bubble that popped and stuck to her lips. She scraped it off with her false nails. ‘Do you have family?’

  ‘Nope.’

  I stopped working and looked up at him.

  ‘Do you live alone?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Do you have a girlfriend?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Are you allowed to have one?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I mean, are you able to have one? Like, as in, does your, you know—’

  ‘Yes,’ he interrupted her. ‘It works.’

  ‘But you don’t have one.’

  He sighed. ‘A girlfriend or a—’

  ‘A girlfriend,’ she interrupted, horrified.

  ‘No.’

  ‘So you live alone.’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘And your life revolves around Lucy.’

  ‘Yes.’

  Suddenly I felt sad for him, guilty even. I was all he had and I wasn’t giving him much. He looked up suddenly and I quickly looked away and back at my paperwork.

  ‘Do you want to come to my wedding?’

  ‘Nope.’

 
; Louise finally dragged herself away from his desk, to annoy somebody else, but as soon as she was gone, I heard the keys of his laptop stop tapping. I looked at him from the corner of my eye. He was staring at his screen, chewing the inside of his mouth, lost. I mistimed it and he caught my eye.

  ‘Did he call?’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Who do you think? Mr Shake ’n’ Vac.’

  I rolled my eyes. ‘No.’

  ‘Did he text?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Bastard,’ he said, seeming insulted.

  ‘I don’t mind,’ I said, amused by his reaction.

  ‘Lucy.’ He swung his chair around to face me. ‘Believe me, if I care, then you care. Look.’ He pointed at his chin.

  ‘Eeww.’

  ‘Is it big?’

  He had a great big spot on his chin.

  ‘Massive,’ I said. ‘It looks sore. You got that because he hasn’t called?’

  ‘No, I got this because you did something to make him not call.’

  ‘Of course, it’s my fault.’

  Graham had stopped working and was watching the exchange with amusement. Then Edna’s door opened and we all looked up. She stared at me, then at Twitch. ‘Quentin, could I see you, please?’

  ‘Of course.’ He stood up, pulled his brown trousers up past his belly as usual, pushed his glasses onto the bridge of his nose, smoothed down his tie and made his way to Edna. He didn’t look at any of us, which made it worse. As soon as the door closed I jumped up and gasped.

  ‘Oh my God, I can’t believe it,’ I said to the others.

  ‘What?’ Mary looked concerned.

  ‘She’s called him in.’ I made big eyes at her and for some unknown reason pointed repeatedly at the door.

  ‘Yes, so?’ Louise asked.

  ‘What? None of you think this is a big deal?’ I asked, astonished. Usually it was me who wasn’t concerned.

  They shrugged and looked at each other.

  ‘What about you?’ I looked at my life.

  He was examining his phone. ‘Do you remember if I gave him my number? Maybe he’ll call me. Or even a text. A text would be nice after last night.’

  ‘Quentin is going to get fired and it’s all my fault,’ I exclaimed.

  They all jumped up from their chairs wanting to know more, apart from Life who rolled his eyes at my dramatics and then turned his attention back to his phone for a call from Don.