Love Lessons

by Heidi Cullinan

  Walter opened his eyes at that, panicked, as if Williams might already be there. “No. I want to be alone.”

  “The hell you do. Listen to me: we’re going to be okay. Both of us. You get that? I don’t care what they did or didn’t do. I’m not leaving you, and you’re going to be okay.”

  Walter’s laugh was hollow and dangerously watery. “I didn’t lose my job.”

  “No. But you and I both know, Walter, that you feel like you lost something a lot bigger than that. I’m telling you it’s not true. I don’t care where I am next year, or where you are. I will not abandon you. Understand that, please, because I’m going to keep saying it until you do.”

  Walter wiped at his eyes and moved away from the tree, heading to the other side of the union. He could see the lake in the distance, the cove on the far side where the swans liked to hide in the shadows. He saw them now, swimming silently together on the mirrored surface.

  He wiped his eyes again.

  “I have to go,” he said, choking on the words.

  “Walter.” Williams was almost shouting. “Walter, don’t you dare hang up on me.”

  Walter kept looking at the swans.

  Kelly. Kelly would go too. He knew it in his bones. He’d known it all along. He’d known Williams would leave, Cara, Kelly—they all would. They all did, in the end.

  “Walter Lucas, you get your ass to my office right now, or so help me God, I’ll send the SWAT team out to find you.”

  Kelly would leave. They all would leave.

  Walter’s stomach lurched, and he almost fell on his face. “I have to go.”

  He hung up the phone. He turned off the ringer.

  He let tears stream down his face and stumbled toward the lake.

  Kelly woke to someone pounding on his door. The knocking was so insistent that he didn’t bother getting dressed, only wore the sheet to the door, where his equally rumpled RA stood holding a piece of paper.

  “You’re supposed to call this number, right now. It’s some professor.”

  Frowning, Kelly took the paper, wondering who could want him to call. Then he remembered what day it was, saw the time, and he fumbled for his phone.

  “Kelly,” Williams said as he answered. “Thank God. As usual, I’ve fucked everything up. I told Walter about the board’s decision over the phone, and he got upset and now he’s gone.”

  So it had been a bad decision. Shit. Kelly tucked the phone into his shoulder and started putting on his clothes, a task made difficult by his shaking hands. “Gone where? Is his car still in the lot?”

  “Yes. I checked that first thing.” Williams swore under his breath. “I’m such an idiot. I should have waited.”

  Shoes. Where were his shoes? “Where have you checked?”

  “All of Ritche Hall, but that was probably stupid. He doesn’t want me to find him.”

  Kelly grabbed his room keys and buttoned his shirt as he headed for the door, his sweatshirt over his arm. “I think I have an idea where he is. Is this your cell? I’ll text you when I find him.”

  “Yes, this is my cell. I’m sorry, Kelly.”

  “It’s fine,” Kelly said, though not very convincingly.

  Pushing down his fear and worry, he headed out of Porter and took off at a steady jog across the campus.

  At first he’d thought he’d guessed wrong, but just as he was about to try the back side of the PE complex, Kelly saw a familiar flash of dark hair inside of the campanile. When he caught enough sight of Walter to confirm, he texted Williams and broke into a run.

  When he got closer, though, he slowed down. He took the long way to the edge of the lake, softening his footfalls, not wanting to alert Walter to his presence until he had to. Walter stood still and rigid, dark hair ruffling in the wind as he stared out at the water, where the swans drifted silently. Either Kelly hadn’t done a very good job of sneaking, or Walter was dulled to the point that he couldn’t be surprised, because when Kelly came up beside him, he didn’t even glance his way, only said, “Kelly, go.”

  Kelly didn’t, but neither did he try and argue. He came up beside Walter, tucked his hands into the pocket of his sweatshirt and watched the swans too.

  It was an oddly comfortable silence—all the panic Kelly had felt before he’d found Walter bled away, because now that they stood together, Kelly felt sure everything would somehow be fine. He let himself marvel in that a moment, not sure if it was real or made up in his head. He decided the truth didn’t matter. He believed it would be, and believing otherwise certainly wasn’t going to help him out.

  He watched the swans a little longer, feeling their calm and gentleness seep into him.

  “I think,” Kelly said at last, “that Lancelot and Gawain were the reason I decided to come to Hope.”

  Walter gave no reaction, not that this surprised Kelly. Kelly settled into his story, though, smiling as he remembered.

  “I saw their picture on the website above the caption that told their story, but even before I knew they were gay, I’d fallen in love. It was like they called to me. Told me if I came here, everything would be okay. So I did.”

  Walter snorted.

  Kelly resisted the urge to turn to him. “They didn’t lie. It was a good decision to come here. Not everything I learned this year was what I expected to learn, but there’s nothing in the world I would trade for my year at Hope. I think I’ll look back at my freshman year of college for the rest of my life and realize things that I picked up during these nine months. The swans were right. They told me to come, that it was a good decision, and so I did, and I’m not sorry.”

  “You’re leaving.” Walter’s voice was raw and rough, accusing. “You’re going to transfer for the fall.”

  He did turn to Walter then, still calm, still carrying the gentleness of the swans. “I’m not sure yet. But it’s something I need to consider. Whatever happens, though, Walter—whatever happens—I’m not leaving you.”

  Walter’s glare was full of anger and hurt. “You and Williams trading bullshit this morning? Yes, if you transfer, you’re leaving me. If he leaves Hope, he’s leaving me. Trust me—long distance is not the same. Wherever Williams is next fall, it won’t be in Ritche Hall, and that’s leaving. You’re leaving too. You’re both leaving me.”

  “I’m not leaving you.” Kelly took a step closer and reached for Walter’s hand—when he tried to pull away, Kelly caught him and held him fast. “Listen to me, Walter Lucas—I’m not leaving you. I’m not transferring unless you come with me. I’m staying if you’re staying. We need to talk about this, a lot of talking, but the bottom line is that I’m going where you’re going.”

  Walter faltered, but only for a moment. Then he stiffened and tried to pull away again. “You can’t do that. I’m not stupid. Hope is expensive. If you don’t have the money—”

  “I have the money. Barely, but I have it. I won’t lie to you—if we stay here, I have to transfer to the University of Minnesota or somewhere a lot cheaper the second you graduate. I’ll have to work all summer and every break and probably get work study. I’m doing it, though, if that’s what you want.”

  “You can’t stay for me. You can’t give up everything for me.”

  “You were set to stay on my account when you thought I wanted to stay. You came here for Cara. You stayed in Chicago for your mom. You gave up this whole semester for Williams, for the department.” Kelly reached up and touched Walter’s cheek. “Don’t you think it’s time someone gave up everything for you?”

  Walter shut his eyes and tried to duck away, but Kelly caught him, drew him closer, held him tight. He held him until Walter’s body eased into his, until his arms gave in and closed around Kelly, until he rested his face in the crook of Kelly’s neck.

  “I don’t know what to do,” Walter whispered. His voice was broken and thick, and Kelly felt warm tears against his skin. “I did everything I could, but it wasn’t enough.”

  “You did enough. You were amazing. You still a
re amazing.” Kelly nuzzled Walter’s ear and held him tight. “We’ll work it out. It’s okay. I promise. We’ll figure out what to do together. Because I’m not going anywhere, Walter. I will not leave you. I will never, ever leave you.”

  Walter’s body began to shake, slowly at first, then steadily as he gave in, sank against Kelly and wept.

  Kelly held him, rocking back and forth beneath the campanile, watching the swans swim quietly on.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Walter couldn’t decide if the obligation of attending Cara’s wedding was an aggravation or a relief. The only thing he did know was that if it hadn’t been for Kelly, he wouldn’t have made it through.

  Part of him was able to notice that Kelly took up the role that Walter himself usually played, though of course he played it in a much more Kelly way. He engaged in cheerful patter with Walter’s mother and sister, keeping the peace so much that even Walter felt a little hopeful when his mother smiled at him, though he noticed Kelly made sure they only lingered in the house when absolutely necessary.

  When they were at the rehearsal dinner, he was never far from Walter’s side unless Walter was practicing walking up and down the aisle, and then Kelly was always visible, always right there with the other spouses and significant others, always smiling and waving at Walter when their gazes met.

  On the day of the wedding as Cara went into full-on wedding hyperventilation, it was Kelly who came in as the voice of calm when Walter didn’t have it in him to play clown. Kelly took up some of the managing Walter had been meant to do, talking with the ushers about getting the gifts out of the church and to the hotel room and arranging for the same at the reception. Kelly never missed a beat, was everyone’s right-hand man.

  Especially Walter’s. Whenever they were together, his hand was on Walter’s arm, his waist, his shoulder, or clasped inside his palm.

  Some of Walter’s fog lifted during the ceremony, and as the minister droned on about love and commitment, Walter looked at his boyfriend, who happened to be watching the bride—and in that moment he knew that he wanted, more than anything else, to have this with Kelly. He wanted the promise. He wanted the rings. He even wanted the three-ring wedding circus.

  He wanted to be married. To Kelly. Forever. As he stood listening to Greg and Cara’s ceremony, he thought, mostly, about when it would be okay for him to ask for his own.

  The reception was in a pretty garden room of Greg’s family’s country club, and everyone, once arrived, seemed to relax. Walter made it through the wedding toast with a plastered-on smile and borrowed goodwill, and if Cara felt he’d phoned it in, she didn’t say anything. He danced with Greg’s sister for the attendants’ dance, and with his obligations filled, he sought out his date, eager to slide off into the shadows with him for some quiet.

  Except when he took Kelly’s hand and tried to lead him away, Kelly took him back out to the dance floor. Walter had his mouth open to object when the opening strains of piano arpeggios filled the room. He stopped short and looked at Kelly, who winked.

  “Come on. I played this just for you.”

  Walter really tried to pull away then, but he didn’t have a lot of fight in him, so he went, dissolving against Kelly and shutting his eyes, letting his lover lead as Helen Reddy’s soft, familiar voice assured him she’d be his candle on the water.

  “It was a nice ceremony, don’t you think?” Kelly’s hand shifted down to Walter’s lower back, pressing reassuringly. “You look so handsome in your suit. Though I have to say, I can’t wait to get you out of it.”

  Walter tried to take a deep breath, but it was shaky.

  “My parents texted to let me know they got everything from Hope. They said you’re welcome to stay with me as long as you like when you come back.” His fingers splayed against Walter’s hip. “Apparently there’s a rumor someone was trying to rent an apartment downtown, and the word on the street is it’s someone from Chicago. My parents said if that’s you, if you think you can’t stay in our house as long as you need to, they have a long lecture ready when we get there.”

  Walter tried to laugh, but it caught in his throat. He hugged Kelly tighter.

  Kelly brushed a kiss against his ear. “Don’t worry. They just guilt you a little, and then it’s over.”

  The music was killing Walter. Thank God the song was almost done. He wanted to get out of there, needed to get away from the dance floor because he wasn’t in the mood for anyone to see him come undone. As the song wound down, Walter began to relax. It was a nice gesture, the song, and he appreciated it. God knew he had it coming after all the rigging of shit he did for Kelly. It worked too, because while it played, life did feel like a Disney movie. The ship would come home. Pete would get away from the bad guys. Everything might just be okay.

  Kelly slid his hand down Walter’s arm, twining their fingers together, placing something into Walter’s palm. It was small and round, and heavy.

  It was, he realized, Kelly’s class ring.

  As the strings and piano slowed and the song ended, Kelly slipped the familiar piece of jewelry onto Walter’s thumb, closing it tight into their joined hands as he leaned in and whispered into Walter’s ear.

  “I’ll never let you go.”

  Walter laughed. And cried, and hugged Kelly, and laughed and cried some more. He forgot the rest of the room, the rest of the world, everything that wasn’t Kelly, that sappy, stupid song, and this perfect, shining moment.

  He forgot it all, because he didn’t think, he knew that everything would be okay.

  Epilogue

  November

  Minneapolis, Minnesota

  All Kelly wanted was a quiet weekend with his boyfriend.

  Since this was Thanksgiving and everyone they’d ever known was coming to dinner, Kelly had resigned himself to the fact that there wasn’t any way he was going to get in much quiet cuddling on the couch with the latest Disney release. The only consolation he had was that it was warm, which in Minnesota was about as rare as a church picnic without Jell-O salad. Sure, they were going to stuff every last one of their friends and family into their tiny apartment and hope they didn’t kill each other, but at least they’d be able to open a window.

  The day started out pretty well, though, much better than Kelly had anticipated. Normally Walter was so swamped with his pre-law courses he didn’t have time to breathe, but the meal had been important to him, so Walter had cleared his schedule and even was home the night before. Of course, he spent the whole time cooking. Kelly’s family had come in early, as had Shari and Tibby—they were all staying in a nearby hotel, though they were only sleeping there. The rest of the time they were completely underfoot.

  At the moment, Sue and Shari were busy in the kitchen peeling potatoes. Rose had arrived at ten and promised to help, though Kelly privately doubted she’d do much but stare adoringly into her girlfriend’s eyes unless the place was on fire, and even then he wasn’t holding his breath. Cara and Greg were with Williams and his family in the living room, listening to Dick tell them all about Sue’s new adventures, his face flush with pride. Kelly had heard the story a zillion times, but it was a good story, so he went into the room so he could listen again.

  “The office is paying for her classes and her realty license,” Dick explained, “which they don’t normally do, but they wanted her there, so they’re working hard to keep her happy. She already has several people who promise to give her their houses as commission.”

  “That’s fantastic.” Williams stopped to look down at his daughters, one who was coloring dangerously close to the edge of her paper. “Sweetheart, not on the table.”

  “I hear you’re doing well in Iowa City, Professor?” Greg prompted.

  “Yes, I’m a Hawkeye now. Karen is loving working at the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics, and the kids are happy in school. They all tell me they wish I’d have lost my job a long time ago.”

  Dick saw Kelly and smiled. “Kelly’s doing well too. He’s
finally settled on a major.”

  Williams turned to the doorway. “Oh? Do tell. I’ve been wondering.”

  “Nothing exciting,” Kelly confessed. “I’m back in the business world.”

  Dick huffed. “It’s very exciting. He wants to do public relations, he says, so he’s focusing on marketing and accounting. I have an old school friend who teaches in the Carlson School of Management, and he tells me with the way Kelly’s taking to his classes, he’s going to have no problem getting into graduate school.”

  “That’s brilliant.” Williams smiled at Kelly. “A lawyer and a public-relations wizard. Sounds like a match made in heaven.”

  Greg nudged his wife. “Cara has a new job too.”

  “Oh?” William asked, and Cara launched into the story.

  Kelly slipped out, heading to the dining room, where Walter was instructing Tibby and Lisa how to arrange the table settings.

  “We’re a bit crowded, so do your best. For the kids’ table, just make sure it looks fancy like the adults while not actually containing anything that will get any of them grounded.” He looked up, saw Kelly and smiled. “Hey, you. Everything okay?”

  Kelly nodded, though his return smile was a little forced. “Just waiting for something to go wrong.”

  Walter wagged a finger at him. “Listen here, Eeyore. We’re having a Disney Thanksgiving, and don’t you forget it.”

  “Even Disney movies have a villain,” Kelly pointed out.

  “Don’t worry,” Tibby said. “Grandma will be here at one.”

  Grandma Marissa did arrive on time, but so did Walter’s other grandmother, Claire, the one who always begged for pictures of the two of them, and when she saw Kelly, she squealed in delight and hugged him like a long-lost son. “I’m going to get the two of you in a picture with me before I go,” she promised.

  Nothing did go wrong, not really—oh, there was the occasional tension between Shari and her mother, and the kids broke into three fights before their mother threatened them within an inch of their lives, but other than that, the dinner went fine. Everyone had enough to eat, and Kelly didn’t have an allergic reaction. The whole fiasco was poised to go off without a hitch.