Girl Against the Universe

by Paula Stokes

  DEDICATION

  To you, the reader

  May your Universe be filled with friendship and love.

  CONTENTS

  Dedication

  August Chapter 1: Session #1

  Chapter 2: Session #2

  Chapter 3: Session #3

  Chapter 4: Session #4

  September Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10: Session #6

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17: Session #8

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21: Session #9

  Chapter 22

  October Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31: Session #14

  Chapter 32

  November Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  December Chapter 40: Session #20

  Author’s Note

  Acknowledgments

  Back Ads

  About the Author

  Books by Paula Stokes

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  AUGUST

  CHAPTER 1

  Session #1

  There’s a thing that sometimes happens in your brain when you’re the only survivor of a horrific accident. Part of you is happy because you’re alive, but the rest of you is devastated. Then the sad part beats up the happy part until nothing is left, until all you feel is terrible sorrow for the people who didn’t make it. And guilt. Guilt because you wonder if the Universe made a mistake. Guilt because you know you’re not any better than those who died.

  This is what my therapist says, anyway. Since I don’t feel like talking, he’s talking for both of us. I hate people like that, people who think they know what you need to hear, people who think they can read your mind, anticipate your responses. “We’re not all the same,” I want to shout. But I don’t, because if I talk, then he wins. And I have lost enough already.

  “Tell me about the car accident.” Dr. Leed leans toward me.

  I glance down at my lap. He doesn’t need me to tell him about that. He spent almost an hour “just chatting” with my mom. I’m sure she filled him in on the gory details.

  It happened almost five years ago, when I was eleven. My dad, Uncle Kieran, my brother Connor, and I were heading home from a day of rock climbing at a park outside of San Luis Obispo, where I grew up.

  Connor and I were fighting about this boy who lived down the street when I saw the giant truck veer dangerously into our lane. The driver must have lost control of his rig as he navigated the twisting mountain road.

  Dad tried to swerve onto the shoulder at the last second, but we were driving along the side of a hill and there was just a few feet of concrete and a flimsy guardrail. The back of the truck clipped us, sending both vehicles straight through the guardrail and down the incline. Our car flipped end over end and landed in a rocky ravine. Dad, Uncle Kieran, and Connor were dead before the paramedics could get to us.

  I didn’t even get hurt.

  I was still in the ER when the newspaper people found me. They called me the miracle kid. I’ll never forget how they buzzed around, asking prying questions about what I remembered and why I thought I got spared. I had just lost three members of my family, and these people wanted to talk about the luck of the Irish.

  My mom tried to shield me from the reporters, but eventually she gave up and posed with me for a few pictures so they would go away. She said focusing on how I was alive would help everyone cope with losing my dad and uncle, two of the town’s most decorated firefighters. It didn’t help me cope; all I could think was that I should have been nicer to Connor. He was just teasing me. How can something feel so crucial in the moment and then seem completely trivial after the fact?

  “Maguire?” Dr. Leed manages to sound both authoritative and concerned.

  I shake my head. Reaching up, I pull the ponytail holder from around my bun. I gather my thick curly hair in my hands and twist it tighter and tighter until my eyes start to water. I coil it around in a circle and secure it again.

  Dr. Leed taps a couple of sentences into his tablet computer. I’m not close enough to read what they say. “What about the roller coaster?” he asks.

  Right. The next year, when I was twelve, a roller coaster car I was riding in careened off the tracks and crashed to the ground at a nearby amusement park. That accident wasn’t quite as serious—we were at the bottom of a hill when it happened, and at least no one died—but every single passenger in our car had serious injuries, except for me. My best friend at the time broke both legs, and another friend ended up needing plastic surgery because she landed on her face. I walked away with a couple of scratches that didn’t even require stitches. No one called me a miracle kid that time, but the crazy lady who begs for change at the gas station called me a witch.

  We moved after that.

  And then a few weeks ago, I left a candle burning on my windowsill and went for a run. When I came back an hour later the next door neighbors’ house was completely engulfed in flames. You wouldn’t think a brick house could go up like a box of matches from one teensy dollar store votive, but it did.

  And so we moved again. This time just to the other side of San Diego, but far enough away to put me in a different school district. Mom said it was because our house had smoke damage, but I’m pretty sure it was because she didn’t want to be the mom with the crazy kid who all the other moms whispered about.

  That’s what landed me back in therapy. Not the moving part—the fire. Because apparently I snapped and ran toward the burning building. Then, as one of the firefighters carried me away from the danger, kicking and screaming, I kept telling him how the whole thing was my fault and how he had to save everybody because I couldn’t have any more deaths on my conscience. I don’t even remember saying that, but I remember the resulting trip to the hospital and the way the staff all hurried in and out of my room like I was a lit fuse. I remember the psychiatrist asking me if I wanted to hurt myself, the police asking me if I wanted to hurt other people, and my mother sitting next to me in a chair, not asking me anything, her fingers curled protectively around mine the entire time.

  “I don’t want to talk about that either.” I raise my head just long enough to meet Dr. Leed’s eyes. They’re a warm brown, obscured partially by the navy blue glasses he wears. He runs one of his pinkies along his bottom lip. His nail beds look a little gray, like maybe he sported some black nail polish recently. I swear everybody in Southern California has a secret second life. Housewives are aspiring actresses. Busboys are screenwriters. Shrinks are rock stars. Nobody is okay with only being one person. I get tired just thinking about it.

  I lean back in my chair and try to envision Dr. Leed as a punk rocker. It’s not too much of a stretch. He’s got dark brown hair that’s a little long for a medical professional, and I can see the outlines of forearm tattoos through the thin fabric of his long-sleeved shirt.

  “What do you want to talk about?” he asks.

  “Nothing.” I scrape the toes of my sandals back and forth across the patterned carpet. It’s black with overlapping white circles, but if you squint a little, the circles almost loo
k like skulls.

  “Okay,” he says. “I can’t make you talk.” He taps some more notes into his computer.

  I watch the movement of his fingers, trying to guess what he’s writing, but he’s too fast. “What are you saying about me?”

  “What makes you think I’m saying anything about you?” He gives me a half smile. “Maybe I’m just emailing my girlfriend.”

  I return his half smile with a quarter smile, more than a lot of people get. I decide I don’t completely hate him after all.

  The waiting area is empty except for a boy who looks as if he’s been professionally assembled—distressed jeans you can only buy for about two hundred bucks a pop, messy brownish-blond hair you can only get with a fair amount of product and patience, ridiculous tan without any obvious signs of peeling. He’s not hot, exactly—his nose is a little crooked and he’s a bit lanky, like a baby giraffe still growing into his limbs—but he sure knows how to work with what he’s got.

  The boy looks up from a sports magazine as I shut the door to the inner office behind me. Cocking his head, he studies me with a harmless sort of curiosity for a moment before dropping his eyes back to his article. He pulls his long legs in close to the seat as I pass by so I don’t trip over them. It’s the kind of low-key, friendly gesture I appreciate.

  “Thanks,” I say.

  “You’re welcome,” the boy says, which strikes me as odd. Who says that? You’re welcome. It’s so strangely formal.

  Dr. Leed’s receptionist slides open a frosted glass partition and motions to the boy. “He’s ready for you,” she mouths. She’s got a black phone pinned between her shoulder and ear while she looks up something on the computer. The boy tosses the magazine onto the chair next to him. He stands, stretching his arms over his head. “Wish me luck.” He flashes me a conspiratorial grin. Even his smile looks engineered—warm, friendly, just the right amount of lips and teeth. But it aligns all the rest of his features in a way that makes me second-guess my earlier judgment about his hotness.

  “Good luck,” I mumble.

  Little does he know I’m the last person he should be asking for luck.

  CHAPTER 2

  Session #2

  Dr. Leed is listening to wailing guitar music on his phone and eating an In-N-Out burger when I arrive for this week’s session. He quickly tidies his desk and slips his phone into his top drawer.

  “Sorry,” he says, rotating his chair around so he’s facing me. “I usually grab dinner before your appointment, but I got a bit behind schedule today.”

  I shrug. “It’s fine.”

  “What about you? Are you fine?”

  “Yep.” I fidget with a strand of black hair that’s escaped from my bun, twisting and untwisting it around my finger.

  Dr. Leed tries the same exact series of questions this week about the accidents and the fire and gets the same (lack of) response from me.

  Halfway through the session he gives up and grabs a magazine from a small table.

  I glance over casually when I think he’s not looking. “Science, huh?” I say. “I had you figured as more of a music magazine guy.”

  “You think you got me all figured out, do you?” He smiles slightly. “What about you? What do you read?”

  “Novels. A lot of action/adventure stuff. Oh, and nonfiction survival guides.” When you’ve got luck like mine, you can never be too prepared for impending disaster.

  Dr. Leed and I chat about books for a few minutes, and just when I’m thinking I might like him—a little—he glances at the clock. “We’re running out of time. You want to talk about why you’re really here?”

  And just like that, something inside of me slams shut. “I’m here because my mom says I have to be.”

  Dr. Leed drums his fingertips on the edge of his chair. “Well, if you’re going to be stuck here every week for a while, why not talk about things? I can help you if you let me, Maguire.”

  I shake my head. “No one can help.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Because the Universe hates me.”

  My head hurts all over. I tug the ponytail holder out of my hair as I hit the waiting room. Dark curls spill across my pale shoulders. I rub my scalp with my fingertips and then reach down to tuck my mystic knot amulet back under the neckline of my shirt. The mystic knot is a Buddhist symbol of luck that I bought online after the roller coaster accident. It’s supposed to bring positive energy to every aspect of your life. I wear it 24-7—when I’m sleeping, when I’m showering, even in gym class.

  Especially in gym class. High school gym can be dangerous.

  I cringe at the thought. I can’t believe how fast the summer flew by. It’s almost time for school to start.

  As I cross the waiting room, the receptionist waves and Perfectly Assembled Boy glances up. He gives me a longer look this time—so long that I start to feel a little awkward. I peek back at him as I open the door to the hallway.

  “Your hair,” he says finally. “It’s so . . . big.”

  I get this sort of thing occasionally, normally from friends of my mom. I’ve got one of those manes that everyone likes to ooh and ahh over but no one really wants for their own. Thick black hair that hangs past my shoulders in corkscrew curls and sticks out a few inches from my head if I don’t tame it down and tie it back. Kind of like that old-school guitarist Slash, only I’m a lot smaller than he is, so my hair looks even bigger. I almost always wear it in a bun.

  I freeze with my hand on the doorknob, unsure of exactly how to respond, or if I should even bother. “Yeah, okay,” I say finally.

  “It’s like it has its own life force,” the boy continues. “Very stellar.”

  “Thanks . . . I think.”

  He hops up from his chair. “Can I touch it?”

  “No,” I say, a bit sharper than I intended.

  He holds his hands up in mock surrender. “Sorry. Stupid question. But if you ask me, you should wear it down all the time.”

  “No one asked you,” I say. But I give this boy a quarter smile too.

  CHAPTER 3

  Session #3

  Dr. Leed has that same screeching guitar music playing this week as I shuffle into the office. I wonder if it’s him, and he’s reviewing his performance from last night’s band practice.

  His brown eyes follow me from behind his glasses, like he’s analyzing everything—my clothes, my posture, the way I walk. I slide into the chair and affix a neutral expression to my face.

  “Let’s talk about something you said last time,” Dr. Leed starts. “You said the Universe hates you. What did you mean?”

  “I mean I’m unlucky. Bad stuff happens around me.” I fold my hands in my lap. “You’re risking your life just by being in this room with me.”

  “Maguire, you’re not responsible for the car accident or the roller coaster malfunction. Remember what I said about survivor’s guilt the first session.”

  I wasn’t paying much attention during the first session, but I think he said it was a form of PTSD. “Yeah, but you weren’t there,” I say. “You don’t get it.”

  “I understand why you feel the way you do, but there’s a difference between correlation and causation. Do you know what that means?”

  “It means just because I was present at an accident doesn’t mean I caused it. But going rock climbing was my idea. The amusement park was my idea. Everyone else got hurt or died.” My voice rises in pitch. “And those aren’t the only instances. And all the events have only one thing in common: me. What other explanation is there besides that it’s my fault, that I’m . . . cursed or something?”

  “Maybe you would’ve gotten hurt too, but you actually have really good luck?”

  “Nope. I tested my positive luck.” I pull a midsize spiral notebook out of my purse. The words “Luck Notebook” are scrawled in black ink across the cover. “The front part is all the bad things that have happened over the past few years, and the next section is where I entered a hundred contests try
ing to see if maybe I was lucky and had just been spared. And after that is where I spent an entire summer trying every ‘de-curse yourself’ spell and product I could find on the internet.”

  Dr. Leed takes the notebook from me and skims through it, pausing briefly in the middle. He shakes his head. “Look at all these websites. Who knew de-cursing was such a booming business? Tomato juice bath? Isn’t that just for if you get sprayed by a skunk?”

  “There’s a lady in Alabama who swears by it.”

  He flips back to the beginning of the notebook. “So before the fire there was the car accident, the roller coaster, and then a bit later an issue at a birthday party?”

  I nod. “I went to my friend’s sleepover party and everyone but me got sick. And then for a while nothing major happened, but there were smaller things, like the time some Rollerbladers fell down while I was running past them.”

  “Okay, but maybe these events were just an unfortunate set of circumstances? You were in the wrong place at the wrong time?”

  “Well, if so, people should probably not be in the same place as me. That’s like being hit by lightning five or six times.” Only it’s not. It’s worse. It’s like being with your friends and family and watching them get hit by lightning while you just stand there, unscathed, wishing you’d never suggested leaving the house in the first place.

  “So you really believe that you’re . . . cursed?”

  “I know it sounds crazy.”

  “‘Crazy’ is a word that has been overused to the point of becoming meaningless,” Dr. Leed says. “It sounds like a lot for any one person to deal with.”

  “All I know is my being around other people puts them at risk.”

  “So then how do you handle that?” he asks.

  “I keep to myself,” I mutter.

  Once I accepted the fact that I was bad luck, I shied away from group activities. And groups. And activities. I started spending a lot of time in my room, tucked under my covers reading books. There’s only so much damage a book can do, and I wasn’t worried about hurting myself. Accidentally hurting yourself is way better than hurting other people.