Out of Reach

by Missy Johnson

  I hated that I felt so useless. What was I supposed to do here? Everything was pointless. Nobody cared about the weather, or how the previous night’s episode of Game of Thrones had been—not when there was a chance he wouldn’t be around for the next. What could I possibly say right now that had any merit?

  “Dude, I don’t want a pity party, okay?” he shook his head. “We’ve been through this before. Talk to me like I’m not dying. Joke about my bad hairdo. Make fun of how fucking sick I look. Treat me like you always do, okay? That’s all I want from you.”

  I swallowed hard. It was such a simple request: he wanted me to be myself and treat him normally. If I couldn’t manage that, then I sucked at friendship.

  We sat there, both staring out at the sea, lost in thought.

  Andy cleared his throat. “So, how long have you been in love with Em?”

  What?

  My head whipped toward him so fast I almost dislocated my neck. I couldn’t have heard him right. No fucking way he’d just asked me that. Even if he knew—which was fucking impossible—why bring it up?

  “What are you talking about?” I laughed, figuring it was the best response here.

  Andy smiled faintly and rolled his eyes. “You don’t hide it very well. Well, you try to,” he corrected himself, “but I’ve seen the way you look at her. It’s the same way I do.” He didn’t sound angry, just wistful. He almost sounded jealous. “Spit it out, Seth. It’s not like I can beat the shit out of you, is it?” he said, his voice dry. No. He could barely lift his arms without help.

  “Since the first day I saw her,” I finally said, my throat dry. My heart beat furiously as I recounted the memory. “We were sitting in the back of Mr. Gale’s class, and she walked in late. I remember feeling like I’d been punched in the stomach. She took my breath away. That long, dark hair . . .” I shook my head and smiled. “I still remember what she was wearing. A red sweater with black stripes and—”

  “—a black skirt,” Andy finished, his lips twitching. “Shit, man. I had no idea. I never would’ve gone for her if I knew you liked her.”

  I laughed. Was he kidding? He was apologizing to me?

  “She loves you. And you love her. Why apologize for that?” I shrugged as if it were no big deal. But it was. Because their love was rare and amazing, and every fucking day I wished it was me she was in love with.

  “Because if it was you she’d fallen for, then this would’ve been so much easier,” he mumbled. “Because that was eleven years ago, and you’re still in love with her.” He wiped his forehead. It was cold outside, but a film of sweat soaked his brow.

  “So what?” I said. He was being ridiculous. “You think she’d change the last nine years?” I shook my head. “Not for a fucking second. You can’t turn off your feelings.”

  “You did,” he shot back.

  My face flushed. No. I hadn’t. That was the problem. The way I felt about Em was there, every second of the day. You can’t choose who you fall in love with, but you can choose whether you act on those feelings. And I’d chosen not to.

  “Because it’s easy to do when the feelings aren’t mutual.”

  He shrugged, as if he didn’t completely agree. “You know, there was a moment there when I was sure she was into you. Eighth grade. She used to hang off your every freaking word. Everything was Seth this and Seth that. I was sure I had no chance with her. It’s funny how things turn out.”

  He swished his near-full can of beer, tipping it out in a slow stream into the sand. I watched as it frothed up before soaking through the grains, disappearing into the earth. His words stuck with me. What if she had been interested in me? How different would all our lives be right now if it were me she was with today?

  She was perfect in every way, and I’d spent the last fourteen years fighting my feelings for her. But she was my best friend’s girl. And he was dying. Part of me hoped that meant we could someday be together.

  And that made me a complete asshole.

  ***

  “Can you get that camera out of my fucking face?” Em groaned, burying her face in the crook of her arm.

  Andy laughed and continued to film her as she washed the dishes. “What? You should be flattered. I’m the one who’s dying, and I’m filming you. If anything, you should be filming me.”

  “Like you’d ever give me control of the damn thing. It’s like it’s joined to your hand,” she grumbled, her mouth twitching into a smile.

  I chuckled. She was right. Since we’d gotten here, he’d recorded nearly every moment.

  “You want it? Come get it,” he taunted, his dark eyes sparkling.

  “Oh yeah?” She threw off her gloves and walked over to him, bending over as he hid the camera behind his back, laughing. “You sneaky little shit.” She laughed as he kissed her neck. “Give it to me.”

  “Come on, Em. I can barely move, and you can’t get it off me? Weak.” She squealed as he tickled her sides.

  “Seth,” Em said, lunging forward and missing the camera again, “help me. Hold him down while I get it.”

  I laughed. “That sounds just wrong. You want me to hold down the cripple in the chair so you can steal his camera?”

  “Yeah,” Andy said with a grin. “What he said.”

  Em rolled her eyes and stepped back, poking her tongue out at me. I laughed. She shook her head like she didn’t care, when it was so obvious she did. She didn’t like to lose. The five year old in her came out whenever she didn’t get her way and it was hilarious to watch.

  “Seriously?” She threw up her arms at Andy, who was continuing to film her.

  He chuckled, setting the camera down. “Fine. Here,” he said, handing it to her. “And on that note, I might go to bed.” Andy yawned.

  I glanced at the clock. It was barely seven.

  “Big day tomorrow.” He grinned, wiggling his eyebrows.

  God, why did that make me nervous? After yesterday, what else could he have planned?

  Chapter Ten

  Seth

  The days were moving by quickly. With each day brought a new adventure, and a new way for Andy to punish Em and I. But I was okay with that, because he was happier than I’d seen him in weeks. If it took a few stupid stunts to make the last few weeks of his life a little more bearable then hell, I’d give him that.

  I could tell he was deteriorating. I could see it in the way he looked and acted. He rested for longer periods of time, he was constantly sick, and he struggled to keep anything down, even his meds. Was he in much pain? Did he think about dying? These were the things that ran through my head that I couldn’t ask him.

  If it were me, I’d be thinking about it all the time. Every time I closed my eyes I’d be wondering if I would be waking up. I admired his strength, and his ability to keep positive, because even though time kept creeping, by Andy kept on fighting.

  “So,” I asked, reaching across the table for the milk. Andy sat opposite me, flicking through the paper. It was Wednesday morning, and I was waiting to see what the day was going to hold. “Do we get to see this list?” I wondered what else he had on there. This whole experience had me thinking about my own mortality, and what I wanted to achieve in life.

  “Nope. Much more fun for me if you guys don’t know what’s coming next,” Andy said with a grin. Marta placed a handful of pills in front of him. “I think you’ll enjoy today, though, man,” he said, arranging the pills in front of him by size.

  “Are you going to take them or play with them?” I asked, nodding in front of him.

  He rolled his eyes and threw one in his mouth, followed by a sip of water, gagging on the liquid. He can barely swallow. I looked over at Marta to see if she’d been watching. Her eyes met mine as she gave me a sympathetic smile. What did this mean? Things were getting worse . . . so what was next? It was weird, but I felt so underprepared. I didn’t know what to expect when it came to his final days. The whole idea of watching him go through that scared the hell out of me, especially when
I kept telling myself that we still had time.

  “What about me?” asked Em, walking over to the table with two steaming mugs in her hands. “Will I enjoy it?”

  She passed Andy his mug of tea and handed me my coffee. I sighed, pressing my lips together as I took in her appearance. She looked so pretty in her jeans and a fitted, blue sweater, but then again, she always looked beautiful. Her long hair was messed up into a ponytail and she wore little makeup, if any.

  I glanced back at Andy and watched him struggle down another pill. I had to hold myself together, if only for her.

  “You get a rest today. This one is all Seth’s.”

  I groaned, making out that I was dreading it, but I was actually looking forward to whatever it was. The last week of experiences were things I’d never have done if Andy hadn’t pushed me into them, and what did you know? I’d actually enjoyed myself. What I enjoyed the most was the amount of time I got to share with Em and Andy.

  “Do I get a hint at least?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

  Andy sighed. “Seriously, you’re such a pussy, man. Fine, this is something you’ve wanted for a long time.” My eyes immediately fell on Em and then quickly darted away. She was the only thing I longed for, but somehow I didn’t think that was on today’s agenda. I looked back at Andy, who was staring at me intently. My face flushed. I could just tell he’d caught me looking at Em. I could only imagine what was going through his head.

  “I’ve got no idea. Guess I’ll just have to wait.” I shrugged.

  “Guess you will,” he echoed, narrowing his eyes at me.

  “Well, I guess I better finish getting ready.” I stood up and went to my room, taking my coffee with me. He hadn’t realized it, but his words had driven home like a knife through my heart. I’d never have her. No matter what the future held, she was the one thing I wanted that I would never have.

  Until now I’d been able to fool myself into believing that there was a tiny shred of hope that things could work out. But I was kidding myself. I needed to move on and forget about her like that, because all I was going to do was ruin our friendship.

  “I won’t let that happen,” I muttered to my reflection in the mirror. She needed me and I was going to be there for her. As a friend. Because losing her meant losing everything.

  Grabbing my jacket, I left my room and walked back out into the kitchen. Marta was there, alone. Hesitating, I sat down at the table. There was so much I wanted to ask, but at the same time, so many questions I didn’t want the answer to. It all felt so complicated.

  “He’s getting worse, isn’t he?” I finally said.

  She nodded. “He should be in the hospital. But he’s stubborn.”

  “Is he in much pain?” I asked, not being able to stand the thought of my best friend suffering.

  “He’s having trouble getting his pain meds down. Even with them, the pain would be significant.”

  I had one more question, but I couldn’t bring myself to say the words. In the back of my mind, I thought about Deb and Karl every day. I vowed that the second he deteriorated, I’d call them. But how would I know when the time was right? What if I completely fucked everything up?

  “Is there something you can do? Get a doctor here or something?” I asked.

  “He doesn’t want that yet. The doctor can prescribe intravenous pain meds, but it will knock him out. He’s not ready for that yet.”

  “How long?” I finally asked. A lump formed in my throat as I waited for her to answer. I couldn’t bring myself to say the words “until he dies.”

  “A week or so. Maybe more. Maybe less.”

  I nodded, trying to process the information. A week. One week. Seven days, and my best friend in the world would be gone. It didn’t feel real. He had such a presence that imagining him no longer there was impossible.

  “They said he had a month at least,” I said, my voice hoarse.

  “You can never tell for sure how the body is going to behave.” Marta patted my hand sympathetically. “Just be there for him, Seth. Be his friend.”

  ***

  “NASCAR racing?” I turned to Andy. Was he fucking kidding me? This was fucking awesome. I had pushed my earlier conversation with Marta out of my head.

  I was determined to make this week memorable.

  He laughed and nodded. “Remember when we were nine, how obsessed we were with NASCAR? You begged your parents for that remote-control car for your birthday, and then your dad ran over it a week later.”

  I laughed. “God, yeah. And then we got those old TV boxes and put together our own cars and sold tickets to the big race.”

  “You’re kidding,” Emily sniggered, her pretty blue eyes twinkling at me. “And people actually paid for that?”

  “A buck a ticket, you bet they did,” Andy said. “Only the night before, we left our cars outside. We didn’t realize it was going to rain all night. The next morning, our cars were ruined and we had to give back the fifty-six dollars we’d made.”

  “You sold fifty-six tickets?” She giggled.

  “Yes, we were quite the little salesmen.” I laughed. “Or at least Andy was.”

  He had a knack of being able to convince anyone to do anything, which was one of the reasons he would’ve made a great lawyer. In the third grade, he convinced the entire class that wearing socks to bed would make your feet fall off. Deb had gotten a lot of angry calls from parents that weekend.

  “So what exactly are we doing here?” Excitement began to build inside of me. I had a pretty good idea, but I needed to hear him say it.

  “Three laps. You have three laps in Number Twenty over there.” I followed his gaze to the revved-up red Chevrolet sitting on the track. My palms began to sweat as I realized this was about to become a reality.

  “Holy fuck, man. You’re shitting me.” This had to be a joke, because it was just way to cool to be real.

  “If I can’t do it, then you’re the next best thing.” He shrugged. I felt a pang of sadness. This was his dream as much as it was mine, and it sucked that he had to sit back and watch.

  “Come with me,” I said, a smile spreading across my lips. He might not be able to drive, but what was stopping him from sitting in that seat next to me as I tore up this track? The worst that could happen would be some pretty serious vomiting, and let’s face it, that was a regular occurrence now anyway.

  He raised his eyebrows and nodded as though he hadn’t thought of that. “Why not?” he murmured, a grin spreading across his lips.

  “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Em asked, her voice uncertain. She shot me a look, her eyes wide with fear.

  “What’s the harm?” I shrugged. “I’ll look after him. I promise,” I said reassuringly. She nodded, still not looking convinced, but she also knew how much this meant to him.

  “Okay,” she agreed. “Let’s do this, then.”

  After much convincing of the team in charge, they finally cleared Andy to ride in the car with me. Our instructor ran through some safety precautions and gave me a list of dos and don’ts. I nodded, only half listening because I was so eager to get in and start driving.

  “So,” he said, finally done with his spiel, “any questions?”

  “Nope. I think we’re good.” I grinned.

  He handed me the keys. “Then have fun, and try not to total the car.”

  I helped Andy into his seat and strapped him in. Em, who was on standby, wheeled his chair away. Climbing into the driver’s seat, I felt the blood pumping through my veins. This is really happening. I slipped the key into the ignition and started her up.

  The wheel shook against my grip, the full power of the machine vibrating through my body. I flashed Andy a grin.

  “Are you ready?” I asked.

  “Let’s do this.”

  Slamming my foot down on the accelerator, I tore off down the track. I swerved into the first corner as the wheels spun, trying to regain control.

  “Yeah!” Andy screamed. He threw his head ba
ck and laughed. Slamming my foot down on the pedal again, I screeched through the next turn.

  Three laps went by in no time at all. After it was over, I steered the car to the gates. My blood was still pumping as I turned off the ignition and laughed, hitting the palm of my hand against the steering wheel.

  “That was . . . holy shit, man.” Andy threw his head back and laughed. I smiled, feeling the exact same way, as I ran my hand through my hair. I glanced at Andy, who was looking a little green.

  “You look like you’re going to hurl.” I chuckled. “Maybe you should open the door?”

  “Nah, man. I’m fine, I’m just . . .” He shook his head, his smile now even wider. “Fucking wow.”

  I climbed out of the driver’s seat, a little unsteady on my feet. We’d reached a top speed of two hundred and three miles an hour. Leaning against the car as Em steered Andy’s seat over, I struggled to catch my breath.

  “You look wrecked. I can only imagine how Andy is,” she grumbled.

  “Relax, he’s fine. That’s probably the most fun he’ll ever have,” I snapped. Sighing, I took a step toward her. “I didn’t mean it like that. He had fun, so let him enjoy it, okay?”

  “I’m just worried, Seth. He’s getting worse. I see it every day—”

  “Are you planning on helping me out?” Andy’s voice cut in as he banged on the window.

  “Go help him,” I said, squeezing her hand.

  Chapter Eleven

  Emily

  I was worried about him. All this activity was taking its toll. But there was no point asking him to slow down, because he wouldn’t. Watching him and Seth race around that track was amazing, and it was obvious how much the experience had meant to him. I was only just beginning to realize just how important doing this with Seth and I was to him.

  Today had been the happiest I’d seen him in ages, but it had come at a cost: he’d been sleeping since we got home. Every now and then he would moan like he was in pain, but not wake.

  My stomach was a tangle of knots. I was getting closer and closer to losing him; I knew that. Every change, no matter how tiny, I noticed and obsessed over, wondering what was next. I so badly wanted to freeze time and stop this from happening. I wasn’t ready to let him go.