Out of Reach

by Missy Johnson

  Covering him, I gently rubbed along his arms, trying to warm him up. His breathing—shallower and faster than usual—was beginning to sound congested. I hope he’s not getting a cold.

  I laughed bitterly, the irony of my thought hitting me. He’s dying of cancer and I’m worried about him getting a cold.

  The all too familiar pang of anxiety began to consume me. No. Focus on good thoughts. Do it for him. Sitting up in the bed, I opened my notebook and began to write.

  First day at Delton Middle School, January 2000

  Starting a new school halfway through the school year sucked. Especially when the teacher decided it would be all sorts of fun to make you stand at the front of the room and talk about yourself. I was sure she got pleasure out of watching my discomfort.

  “Uh, hi,” I began, rubbing my sweating palms together. “I’m Emily Callington. We just moved here from Los Angeles. My dad is a police officer and we move around a lot.”

  Apparently this was where we were settling down. Why did it have to be here, in a town where I knew nobody? What was wrong with L.A., where all my friends were?

  I moved to sit down. The teacher put her hand up to stop me.

  “Tell us something about you, Emily.”

  About me? My heart thudded so loudly it was all I could hear as I struggled to think.

  “I like the Gilmore Girls,” I offered, my voice small. The class sniggered. “I also like N*Sync.” More laughter. The teacher nodded, excusing me.

  I practically ran to the only vacant seat as the teacher continued with the class. Everyone was staring at me. I slumped down into the corner seat in the back row, my heart sinking. This place sucked. I was going to hate it; I could just tell.

  At lunchtime, I sat by myself outside the cafeteria, only because eating inside meant eating alone and having everyone talk about me. At least out here I could pretend I was invisible. I opened my lunch bag and pulled out my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

  “Hey.”

  I looked up. Two boys were standing in front of me. I recognized them from my class. I smiled shyly. What did they want? Knowing my luck, they were here to make fun of me. Because I needed my life to be more difficult right now.

  “I’m Andy.” The dark-haired boy flopped down on the bench opposite me. “That’s Seth.” I smiled at the other boy, who smiled back. My heart fluttered as I took in his light-brown hair and blue eyes. He was cute, and the awkwardness he had about him made him even cuter.

  “I’m Emily.” But they already knew that.

  “You want to hang out with us?” asked Andy. I nodded. They seemed nice, and it beat eating alone. I gathered up my lunch and followed them inside.

  “Over there—they are the kids that think they’re better than everyone. Try to avoid them.” Andy glanced around. “And those kids are the weirdos. That’s probably where you would’ve ended up if it wasn’t for us.” He smirked, his dark eyes full of humor.

  “You two seem pretty weird to me,” I shot back. Seth laughed as Andy narrowed his eyes at him.

  “What? She’s right.”

  Andy turned back to me. “If you’re going to hang out with us, you have to follow a few rules.”

  I crossed my arms across my chest. Rules? I hated rules.

  “Like?” I asked suspiciously.

  “Like no talking about the Gilmore Girls, for starters. I hear enough about that stupid show from my mom. And on Sundays we skateboard down by the beach, so you’ll need to do that too. And you better like Xbox.”

  “I prefer PlayStation,” I said.

  I didn’t. I didn’t even own a video game, but I liked arguing with Andy. It made him angry, and he was cute when he was angry.

  He sighed. “Okay, whatever. You want to come over to my house tonight?”

  I nodded shyly. “I’ll have to check with my mom, but that sounds good.”

  From that first moment, they’d accepted me. What could have turned out to be the worst few years of my life had turned into the best because I’d met Seth and Andy. The three of us were inseparable, with every spare minute spent together. I thought I’d had friends in the past, but everything else paled in comparison to the relationship I shared with Seth and Andy.

  I closed my book and lay back on the bed, a smile on my face, my fingers tracing along the spine of my notebook. I had so many great childhood memories, all thanks to those two. I often wondered how different things would’ve been if my parents had decided on a different town, or a different school.

  Friendships like ours were rare. They didn’t come along often, so when they did you had to make the most of them. The uniqueness of ours was we were like three pieces to a puzzle; it didn’t feel right if one was missing.

  If I believed in soul mates, then that’s what we’d be, all three of us. If I believed things happened for a reason, then I’d believe I was meant to meet them, that our friendship was an unavoidable certainty. But I didn’t believe in all that. Because then I’d start to question why all this was happening—and what I had done that was so bad that I deserved to lose every person I held dear to me.

  And then I’d wonder how long would it be until I lost Seth too.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Seth

  By Thursday afternoon, Andy was feeling well enough to get out of bed for short periods of time which he, of course, took to mean he was well enough to leave the house. Even Marta couldn’t convince him to take it easy.

  “Maybe you should take another day to rest,” Marta suggested. I nodded, thinking exactly the same thing.

  “Sorry, guys, but you’re not getting out of this one. Besides, everything is all booked.”

  I groaned and shut my eyes. I didn’t even want to know.

  “Oh, before I forget.” He grinned widely as he handed Em and me each an envelope.

  “What is this?” I asked suspiciously.

  “Open it and find out.”

  I slipped my finger along the length of the silver envelope, slitting it open. Inside was a folded piece of paper. I opened it and read.

  “You’re having a wake?” Em said in disbelief. I snuck a look at her. She looked hurt. And angry. Really angry.

  “A live wake.” He nodded proudly. “For this Saturday. I’ve invited all the guys from college, and a few other people. Nothing big, just something I would rather do while I can enjoy it, rather than when I’m in the ground.”

  I cringed. I hated it when he spoke like that. “Is this on your list?” I asked, skimming the details. My eyes widened as I read the last line. “Fancy dress? Come as your favorite terminal illness? You’re got to be fucking kidding me, man.” I groaned. That was so . . . morbid.

  “What?” He chuckled, obviously enjoying my reaction. “Don’t you remember all the parties we had in college?”

  “The parties you had. At our place, while I tried to study over the noise,” I corrected him. “And yes, I remember. How the hell could I forget you and your fucked up parties?”

  “So this shouldn’t surprise you, then,” he said, winking at me. He turned to Marta. “You’re welcome to join us, too.”

  “I honestly cannot think of a worse way to spend my Saturday night,” she replied, her voice sour. Andy rolled his eyes and turned to Em, who had said nothing for the last few minutes. She stood up and walked out of the room.

  I wanted to go after her and make sure she was okay, but it felt weird. Andy should be the one checking in on her, not me. I waited until it was obvious he wasn’t planning on doing that.

  “Dude, I think she’s upset,” I said.

  He shrugged. “So go check on her.”

  I stared at him, shocked by his indifference. What the hell was going on with him?

  “Marta, can you push me out to the deck,” he muttered. She nodded and walked around to the back of his chair. I watched as she pushed him outside, then came back in and closed the door behind her.

  “What was all that about?” I muttered, more to myself than her.

>   “The cancer is eating away at him, Seth. These personality changes are common with late-stage cancer. Go and speak to Emily. Make sure she knows that this isn’t about her. It’s just the progression of his disease.”

  I nodded. It made sense. The cancer had changed his physical abilities so much, but it hadn’t occurred to me the effect it would be having on his brain. Kicking my chair back, I stood up.

  I found Em lying on her bed, staring at the wall, clutching her notebook to her chest. Her face was wet—tear-stained—her dark hair floating freely around her face. I sat down on the bed and reached out, gently swatting aside strands of her hair.

  “Em, are you okay?” I asked, my hand resting on her shoulder.

  “It’s like he’s trying to make this harder,” she whispered. “I feel like he wants to hurt me.”

  I sat down and scooped her into my arms, sitting her up next to me. “Em, when he’s like that it’s not Andy talking. Cancer is fucked up and it’s not fair. But you’ve just got to remember that he loves you, and would never do anything to intentionally hurt you.”

  She smiled, her arms tightening around me. “I know. And I know it’s selfish of me when he’s the one dying, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to say, or how to act. I just feel like I’m the mess and everyone is trying to hold me together.”

  “And that’s okay,” I whispered, kissing her temple. “Because nobody is denying that this is just as hard for you to go through. Andy will die and you’ll still be here. The world won’t stop moving, even though you might feel your world has. That’s an incredibly hard thing to work through.”

  “When my parents died, it was you and Andy who got me through it. I just don’t know if I can do it all over again.” She turned to me, her eyes wide with fear. “What if I lose you too?”

  I held her close to me, my heart breaking for her. If only she knew how much I loved her, and how I would do anything to make her feel happiness again. I’d give everything for this girl. I’d give my life if it meant seeing her smile.

  “I’ve told you, I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Emily

  He was much quieter today. As often as he kept telling me that he was feeling better, I wasn’t sure that I believed him. He’d slept nearly the whole half-hour drive to our destination, only waking just as we arrived. I shot Seth a confused look as we pulled up outside a ranch. He just shrugged.

  “This the right place?” he asked, peering at Andy through the rearview mirror.

  “Yep. Drive down toward that barn,” he said. As we continued along the dirt driveway, we passed a sign that read Stanton’s Bulls. Breeders since 1887. My stomach dropped. Bulls?

  He was crazy if he thought I was going to get on a bull.

  “Andy,” I began, biting my lip. “What are we doing at a bull farm?”

  “Bull-riding,” he said, as if I’d asked the stupidest question in the world.

  “No,” I said, shaking my head. “Nuh-uh. There’s no fucking way are you going to get me on one of them. I don’t care how much you guilt-trip me.”

  “What’s wrong?” Seth smirked at me. “You scared?”

  My eyes widened. “I’m not scared,” I scoffed, scowling at him.

  He was really on Andy’s side right now? Of course he was. I could see how much Seth had been enjoying the last few days. He and Andy were so similar in many ways, and living out this list was like his own dreams come true. I, on the other hand, would not have put bull-riding on my bucket list, even if I had to name a thousand things.

  “I just don’t feel like getting rammed into the dirt by a pissed-off bull.”

  “Come on, Em. If you’re chicken, it’s okay. We’ll understand, won’t we?” Andy said, joining in.

  I knew what they were doing, and as much as I didn’t want it to work, it was. If there was one thing I hated, it was people thinking I was scared. Andy and Seth had been doing this for eleven years to get me to do what they wanted. They knew exactly how to push my buttons. And they knew I’d cave in order to prove myself.

  “Fine,” I shot back, ignoring the grin they exchanged. “And you can stop looking so damn cocky. You’re both assholes.”

  They laughed hysterically, which only made me more annoyed. I was glad I could be such a source of amusement for them.

  “You make it so easy,” teased Seth. “We shouldn’t enjoy it, but God, Em.” He shook his head. “Messing with you is just so much fun.” I glowered at him as he pulled up outside the barn.

  “Eat me,” I muttered, sticking my tongue out. Opening the car door, I climbed out, slamming the door shut, their laughter still ringing in my ears. “And you can get your own damn chair,” I said to Andy as he opened his door.

  “Oh come on, Em. Don’t be like that. We’re just having fun with you.” He reached for my hand, his fingers entwining with mine. How could I stay mad at him? Especially with those damn deep-brown eyes melting in front of me. He had this way of always making me forgive him, and I hated it.

  I softened, relaxing against his touch. He grinned. He knew he had me.

  “Fine,” I mumbled. “Let’s just get this over with.”

  “I promise you’ll have fun,” he assured me. Fun? I doubted it.

  ***

  Okay, so maybe I was having a little bit of fun.

  Who knew trying to sit atop an out-of-control and angry twelve-hundred-pound animal could be so much fun? The best part was that I was beating Seth. After an intensive training session to master the basics, I was pretty stoked with my 2.045 seconds on top of my bull.

  “Ha, suck that, Walkerson,” I said triumphantly as I hobbled to the edge of the ring. I could barely walk, but it was worth it to see the excitement on Andy’s face.

  Seth rolled his eyes as he sat on top of his bull. “You’re not a nice person when you get competitive,” he joked. He patted the neck of his beast. “Let’s show her how this is done, Randy.”

  I giggled uncontrollably as his bull bolted into the ring, bucking him off immediately. “That’s how it’s done?” I asked innocently.

  “Nobody likes a show-off.” He stood up and brushed himself off as Andy and I sniggered. “How did I do, Tony?” he asked our trainer.

  Tony smirked. “0.874 seconds.”

  “Ha! I did it,” I said, breaking into a dance. Seth rolled his eyes, but I could see how proud he was of me. “Are you impressed?” I asked Andy. I walked over and kissed him as he smiled at me.

  “Very,” he admitted. “I thought Seth would kick your ass.” His hand whipped around behind me, slapping me gently on the butt. “Hey,” he said, catching my playful glare. “I was rooting for you.”

  “Well that’s okay then,” I grinned.

  ***

  Instead of going home where Andy obviously needed to be, we were headed into the town to find a tattoo parlor. He’d gotten worse since we left the ranch. Every breath was accompanied by him gasping to control the pain, but he refused to do anything Seth or I said.

  “There,” Andy said. I looked out my window and saw the tattoo place he was pointing to. “Go around the block. There was a parking spot out front.”

  “Let’s just go home. Nobody in his or her right mind is going to do this to you. Look at you. You can barely breathe.”

  As if on cue, he exhaled sharply, his body shuddering. “Have you seen the kinds of people in these joints?” Andy joked, managing a chuckle. “Trust me, they aren’t going to have a problem doing this.”

  The young guy in the shop, heavily tattooed and pierced, raised his eyebrows as we walked in. The place was empty, apart from the dude and a girl laying on her stomach on one of the beds. Ink went in all directions across her back like a rainbow.

  “Can I help you?” the guy asked, getting up off his chair.

  Andy nodded confidently. “Yes, I think you can. I’m looking for a tattoo. Can you fit me in? I’d make an appointment, but I can’t promise
I’ll still be alive to honor it.”

  The guy’s eyes widened. He glanced back at the girl he’d been working on, who shrugged. “What were you looking for?” He patted the second bed. “Can you get up here okay?” he asked, his voice uncertain.

  Seth wheeled Andy over and helped him out of his chair. I stood back, my arms across my chest, taking in the images that donned the walls.

  Tattoos were something that had never interested me, and I was surprised that Andy wanted one. He’d never mentioned it before today. The whole concept of injecting ink into my skin wasn’t something I found particularly appealing.

  “What were you looking for?” he asked again.

  Andy lifted up his shirt. “Just a little something on my back.”

  “Did you have a design in mind?”

  “I do.” Andy grinned as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a crumpled bit of paper. “Don’t tell them. I want it to be a surprise.”

  The guy took the paper and smoothed it out. He began to laugh. “Are you serious?” he said with a grin. “Because I will totally do this.”

  “Dead serious,” Andy shot back, his eyes twinkling.

  “Man, what are you doing?” Seth groaned, shaking his head.

  “What, are you going to tell me to think about it, that it’s permanent? That it will be with me for the rest of my life?”

  Seth shot him a dirty look. “Just don’t do anything that is going to get us killed by your mother, okay?”

  “Well don’t let her flip me over and she’ll never know.” He turned back to the guy. “Is this going to hurt?”

  “Um, yeah,” he replied, his eyebrows shooting up.

  Andy shrugged, and then nodded. “Great. Maybe it will take my mind off the crushing pain in my chest.”

  I covered my face with my hands; I couldn’t help it. This whole thing made me want to laugh. Seth was eyeing me like I was crazy, and maybe I was, but this guy was just so cool with Andy’s insane behavior that it was hysterical.