Because Andy had died. If he were still around, then none of this would be happening. I pushed the thought from my mind. I couldn’t think like that. If I let myself get inside my own head in that way, I’d ruin this. I’d ruin her.
“I wanted to give you something.” Reaching into my pocket, I retrieved the black velvet pouch.
“What’s this?” she asked, taking it from me. The color drained from her face. “I . . . it’s not . . .”
My eyes widened as I realized what she was thinking. “God, no,” I replied. I hadn’t even thought that . . . She raised her eyebrows at my tone. “I mean, not that I don’t want to marry you, but . . . just open the damn present.” She had me flustered. I couldn’t even get my words straight.
She laughed as she eased the tie loose and slipped her fingers inside. Her brow creased as she tipped the contents of the bag into the palm of her hand. A tiny little pink and silver ball fell out.
“Oh Seth, it’s beautiful,” she whispered. She held the charm in her hand, taking in all the tiny detail.
“It’s called a memory charm,” I began, “The top actually unscrews, and there is a tiny little hollow area inside. I went to Deb . . .” I cleared my throat. “There is a little piece of Andy in there. I wanted him to always be close to you. This way, he’s always there.”
She looked up at me, her eyes glistening with tears. Throwing her arms around my neck, she hugged me, her arms gripping me tightly.
“That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.”
“Even though we’re trying this ‘us’ thing out, I never want you to feel like I’m trying to replace him,” I said, holding her tightly.
“And I love you for that.”
“I love you too, Em. You know that I’ll always be there for you, right? No matter what happens with us, you’ll always have me as a friend.”
***
I stood in front of her as she sat on the end of the bed, my fingers raking through her silky hair. She gazed up at me, her eyes full of love. God, she was beautiful. Her hands moved around the back of my waist, dipping under my shirt. The feel of her nails moving over my skin was incredible.
“We don’t have to do this,” I said, touching her cheek.
“I want to.” She stood up, her hands moving higher underneath my shirt.
Leaning down, I kissed her, my lips crushing against hers. Lifting my shirt over my head, I let it fall to the ground. She smiled, letting her hands roam over my naked chest.
I kissed her as my fingers fumbled to unbutton her shirt. My hand ran down the center of her chest, over the top of her white, lacy bra. My heart beat loudly in my chest. Was this really happening? Pushing the shirt down over her shoulders, I kissed her neck, my tongue running over her sweet, soft skin. She gasped, shrugging the shirt free of her arms.
Reaching behind her, I unclasped her bra, moving the straps down her shoulders, over her creamy white skin.
“You’re beautiful,” I whispered, taking in her beauty. She smiled, lowering her eyes as my gaze ran over her full breasts. Reaching up, my finger circled around her nipple as it stiffened against my touch.
Lowering her onto the bed, I kissed her neck, then along her jaw, slowly making my way around to her mouth, my hardness brushing past her thigh. Reaching behind her, I unzipped her skirt and lowered it down over her hips.
She’s so beautiful. I gazed at her below me, cupping her chin as my lips connected with hers. She reached down and unzipped my pants, freeing my erection. I groaned as her fingers closed around it, barely able to contain myself.
I shrugged off my jeans and boxer shorts and reached inside the drawer next to me for a condom. We kissed again, my lips wandering down her neck and over her breasts, curling my tongue around her left nipple.
“Oh,” she gasped, arching her back. Moving her legs apart, I pushed myself between them, my erection resting against her wet entrance. Wrapping her arms around my neck, she locked her legs around my waist as I eased myself inside her.
“You okay?” I whispered, kissing her nose. She nodded as I pressed my forehead against hers as I gently rocked inside of her. As cliché as it sounded, she was perfect. Everything about her amazed me. Being with Em had felt like heaven, a place I never wanted to leave.
“How are you?” I asked her. She lay in my arms, smiling as my fingers stroked her arm, her naked body molded against mine like we were a perfect fit.
“I’m good,” she said. “Better than good, actually. I’m great.”
“You’re better than great,” I teased, tilting her head back so I could kiss her.
She rolled her eyes, her lips lifting into a grin. “You’re such a dork.” She laughed, shaking her head. “But a loveable one.”
I kissed her roughly, my mouth pressing against hers.
I could lie here all day, with her in my arms.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Emily
“Em, sorry to barge in—”
I sat bolt upright in bed, untwining my naked body from Seth’s, and found myself staring into the shocked face of Deb. Her eyes darted from me to Seth and back to me before she bolted out of the room.
“Shit,” I gasped, my heart racing.
I felt sick. Of all the things for her to walk in on, it had to be me and Seth in bed together? Fuck, this is bad. I jumped out of bed and reached for my robe, throwing it over myself.
“Seth, get up. Deb’s here. She just walked in on us.”
Seth’s eyes flew open. He stared at me in shock. “Here? She’s here? What the hell is she doing here?” He threw the covers off and made a beeline for his clothes, which were still lying in a heap on the floor.
“I don’t know. She just walked in. She must’ve knocked and I didn’t hear her.” I ran my hands through my tangled hair. How do I handle this? Tightening the tie around my waist, I dashed out to the living room.
Deb sat perched on the edge of the sofa, her red eyes filled with anger. Crap. How could I expect her to understand?
“Deb . . .” My voice caught in my throat. I had no idea what to say. This wasn’t what it looked like? Because it sure as hell was what it looked like. It had taken me less than three months to move on from losing Andy. I wanted to be sick. I sat down, clutching my stomach.
“How could you?” She turned to me, tears filling her eyes. In all the time I had known her, I’d never seen her look so cold.
“Deb, I can explain,” I began.
“Can you? What could you possibly tell me right now that would make this okay? After all we’ve done for you . . . He loved you, Emily. Did you even love him?”
“I get that you’re upset right now, but you have no right to question how I felt about Andy,” I shouted.
Deb glanced up as Seth entered the room, her mouth twisting into a scowl. “And you,” she raged, standing up. “He was your best friend.” With her hands laced behind the back of her neck, she squeezed her eyes shut before shaking her head. “I can’t be here. I can’t even look at you.” Snatching up her bag, she stormed toward the door.
I have to talk to her.
“Let her go,” Seth said, grabbing my arm. “She’s angry, Em. Nothing you say right now is going to make this okay. Let her calm down and then give her a call.”
“I’ve never known Deb to hate anyone,” I whispered. “But the way she just looked at me . . .” I couldn’t even meet Seth’s eyes, I felt so guilty. “You have to go.”
“What?” His brow creased. “Go where?”
“Home. I can’t have you here right now. I need time to think.”
“Em, it’ll be okay. She’s angry. When she calms down and we explain it to her . . .”
I snorted. I could tell by the way he wouldn’t meet my eyes that even he didn’t believe that. He reached for my hand. Jerking away, I shook my head. I felt dizzy. There were too many things running through my mind.
Maybe it’s the universe telling us we shouldn’t be together?
“Seth, please,”
I begged him, wrapping my arms around my waist. “If you don’t leave, I will. Just give me some space.”
“You can’t push me away every time things get hard, Em.”
“What?” I shook my head in disbelief. This was the first time I’d ever felt like he didn’t understand me. “This isn’t nothing. I’m not worrying about some stupid little thing. Deb is my family.” I couldn’t live with her hating me.
“And what am I?” he asked, his voice soft. He walked over and kissed me on the forehead. “I’ll go, Em. I’ll give you space, but know that tomorrow I’ll be back here because I refuse to let you feel guilty about us. This is what Andy wanted.” His eyes met mine, shadowed in pain. “What do you want, Em?” he asked.
I watched as he walked out, my heart leaping into my throat.
Him. I want him.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Seth
Fuck! I punched the steering wheel, my fingers throbbing in pain. I’d been sitting in my car for the last fifteen minutes, parked outside her apartment. I shouldn’t have left. She would be tearing herself apart, feeling horrible for something that she shouldn’t be feeling guilty about.
In the back of my mind, I had been stressing about people finding out. How could anyone really understand any of this? Was I really that surprised Deb had lost it? Of course not. Her son had died, and in her eyes we had moved on—only things were never that simple. We hadn’t moved on; it was a new path we were taking together.
Andy had been a huge part of both our lives, and we would never forget him. The idea of people thinking that we loved him any less made me furious. What right did Deb—what right did anyone—have to judge our relationship?
***
This is a bad idea. I rapped on the door before I could change my mind. In my hands, I held the videos Andy had made during our trip. We hadn’t had a chance to watch through them, but maybe if Deb could see us all together she would understand. Then again, maybe I was fooling myself.
The door opened and Deb stood there, frowning at me.
“This is not a good time, Seth.”
“It’s never going to be a good time.” I crossed my arms over my chest to let her know I wasn’t going anywhere until I’d said my piece. “She’s sitting at home, blaming herself. This is the girl who dedicated her life to looking after and loving your son, and you go off at her like that?” I shook my head. “I get that you’re upset, but you can’t even begin to understand what she’s going through.”
“It’s been weeks, Seth. Weeks. And then I walk in on that? How did you expect me to react? I wanted you to look after her, not move in on her,” she said, her lip curling in disgust. “What about Andy?”
“He wanted this,” I growled, my anger growing. “She needs your support, Deb. She has nobody.”
“She obviously has you,” she shot back.
I shook my head. There was nothing I could say just then that was going to make it okay. I handed her the tapes.
“What are these?” she asked.
“The last few weeks of your son’s life. Watch them and tell me she didn’t love him enough.” I walked off, not looking back. I refused to feel guilty about loving her. The only person I had to answer to was Andy, and I’d already done that. Deb could hate me all she wanted, but I needed her to forgive Em; because otherwise the guilt was going to end up killing her.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Emily
I couldn’t even imagine how awful that must have been for her. Walking in on Seth and I so soon after Andy had gone . . . in what world was that okay?
Her reaction had been a wake-up call. Nobody was going to understand us being together, least of all our families. If we were serious about being a couple, then that was something we needed to give them the opportunity to get used to.
So now I had a decision to make. Was the chance of finding love with Seth worth losing the people who had been my family for the past ten years? Because no matter how right it felt, or how much we knew we had Andy’s blessing, they might never accept us being together.
“Em?”
I looked up from my bed and saw Seth standing there.
“I used the spare key,” he explained. He looked uncomfortable, with his hands shoved deep into his pockets. He hesitantly took a step toward the bed and sat down.
“I’ve had enough of people helping themselves to my spare key,” I mumbled, trying to make a joke. “That’s it. I’m moving it.”
He smiled. “I’ve just come from Deb’s.”
“And?” Not that I needed to ask. His lack of eye contact told me everything I needed to know. “She hates us, doesn’t she? Not that I blame her.”
“I refuse to let you feel guilty about us,” he said, his voice gruff. He took hold of my hand and I sighed.
“That’s just it. I feel bad for her seeing us like that, but guilt? No. I don’t feel bad about us.” I paused, wetting my lips.
“But?” he pushed, sensing my hesitation.
“But I don’t know if that’s enough.” I sat up, pushing my legs over the edge of the bed. “I’ve lost so many people close to me. How many more can I lose? I love you, I really do, but I don’t know what to do here.”
“Do what feels right,” he said. “Does being with me feel right? If everyone was okay with us being together, then what would you want?”
“You,” I whispered.
He moved closer until his mouth was on mine. But things weren’t that easy, were they? I inhaled sharply when his fingers touched my neck. His lips synced against mine, then he moved slightly until our foreheads touched. I opened my eyes and stared straight into his.
“You know how I feel. I’ll never leave you, Em.”
I smiled. But as much as I loved hearing those words, I knew that sometimes life didn’t give you a choice.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Seth
“I’ve got something to say.”
Opening my front door and seeing Em standing there, I’d been shocked.
“Come in,” I said. I walked into the living room and sat down.
She followed, and perched herself in front of me on the edge of the coffee table. Her hands gripped the underside of the wooden frame. Her brow creased and she frowned, her expression serious.
We hadn’t spoken much about Deb—or us—since the incident the week before. Nor had we heard from her. I was disappointed, but still hopeful that one day she would understand.
“You’re worrying me,” I said with a nervous chuckle. I reached out, my fingers brushing over her thigh before falling back into my lap.
“Don’t worry,” she assured me. My nerves settled, but I was still wondering why she was here. “I just wanted to do this right. I’ve been thinking a lot about us. I don’t want to lose you, Seth. I don’t think I could handle just being your friend, nor do I want to. I wish we had Deb’s support more than anything, but I can’t lose you too.”
Relief washed through me. I was sure she had been about to end things with me. Hearing her say she wanted us to work made me happier than I’d been in forever.
“You don’t know what it means to hear you say that,” I muttered. Sitting forward, I took her face in my hands and kissed her.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Emily
Six months later.
“What is it?” I asked Seth. He put his phone away and walked over to me.
“That was Deb. She wants to see us.”
“Now?” My eyes widened. We hadn’t communicated in more than six months, after she had made it clear we were no longer welcome in their life. What could she possibly have to say to us now?
“I said we would go.” He looked as shocked as I felt. He pressed his hand against mine. “What could she want?” he asked, echoing my thoughts.
Nearly nine months had passed since I’d lost Andy. Not a day went by where I didn’t think about him, but for the most part it was happy memories that occupied my thoughts. Having his support had made it easier to
fall into a relationship with Seth.
Sometimes I thought about how different things would have been if he’d never gotten sick; if he were still here with us. How could I be so in love with Seth and still comprehend loving Andy if he were still around?
We pulled up out front of Andy’s parents’ house. It hadn’t changed at all over the months. It felt so weird being back there, and not knowing what to expect made it even more nerve-wracking.
“Are you ready?” Seth asked, reaching for my hand.
I nodded. As ready as I was going to get, anyway. We got out and walked up the driveway up to the front door. With every step, a new wave of anxiety washed over me.
I held Seth’s hand tightly as he rang the doorbell. The few seconds it took for Deb to open the door felt like years. She smiled, so I smiled back. Was I supposed to hug her? Shake her hand? I stood there awkwardly, wishing I knew how to act.
She ushered us inside. “Thanks for coming.”
“What’s this about?” Seth piped up. He clutched my hand. He was worried about me, and I liked how protective he was being. We followed Deb into the living room and sat down.
She cleared her throat. “Firstly, I want to apologize. One, I shouldn’t have invaded your space like that, and two, I didn’t know the full story.”
“Full story?” I repeated, confused.
She nodded. “It took me a long time to watch through the videos you left me,” she said, looking at Seth. “But I did that today.” She held up a disc. “Do you mind if I play this for you?” she asked.
I glanced at Seth, who shrugged.
We sat down on the sofa as Deb loaded the disc into the player. Why did I suddenly feel so sick? My heart ached as Andy’s smiling face filled the screen.
“Mom. Firstly, I want to say I love you. Thanks to you and Dad for being amazing parents, not only to me, but to Em, too. You have no idea how much your love and support means to her. Which brings me to the whole point of this video.” He glanced down, his lips pressed into a straight line. “See, I’m dying. I’ve fought hard, but this damn disease is going to beat me. But before it does, I’m going to do my damn best to make sure two of the people I love most in this world find each other.”
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