But I won’t do anything, not tonight. I’m decently patient, and I’m not going to throw away a possible future with Paige, no matter how slim that possibility might be, just for a few hours of physical pleasure. So, I shake my head at Natalie and remind her about the whole drunken regret thing.
“I think you’re just playing hard to get,” Natalie says, touching the tip of my nose with her French manicured fingertip.
This is the point I wish I hadn’t been detained and had gotten to this party on time. If I had, perhaps I’d be dancing with Paige, but it couldn’t be helped.
I’ve told Paige I got a job to explain my additional absences from our apartment and my late arrival tonight. I wish I could tell her the truth, that I’ve been meeting with a tutor several times a week in an attempt to reverse the very real possibility of facing academic probation at the one college Dad was able to buy me into.
Yeah.
But Paige thinks I’m obscenely smart, and I did a reasonable job of portraying that in school, even if the faculty knew differently. I like that Paige thinks I’m driven and intelligent to a fault, and maybe by the time these tutoring sessions are over, I actually will be. That would make one less half truth between us.
Natalie is saying something about my shoulders being like rocks, but I’m tuning out and instead turning to check on Paige again.
And… she’s gone.
For a second, I consider dropping Natalie where she stands and stopping Paige from doing whatever she’s gone to do with Chase when I notice that he’s standing alone, looking somewhat dejected. I pick Paige out in the crowd for a brief moment, and then I lose sight of her.
PAIGE
I’m so annoyed by having to watch Natalie nuzzle up to Evan that I tell Chase I don’t want to waste his time and rush off to hit up another keg. Didn’t Natalie promise me she’d never hook up with Evan knowing how conflicted I was over him? That was her word, not mine. But I’d told her that was nonsense, didn’t I? I told her she was free to pursue him, that I already had a boyfriend, one that loved me and didn’t pull away from me whenever we got close. I slug half a beer down, hoping to erase the picture of Natalie and Evan together and Evan looking at me like I was the one doing something wrong. But it’s to no avail—the scene still remains burned into my retinas.
I’m filled with a desire to just leave, to call a cab or an Uber or even hoof it back to town in my three-inch heels. But my urge to confront them, whether warranted or not, is stronger. I head back toward the ballroom and find them just where I’d last seen them.
Evan is looking around every so often, perhaps for me? If he’s only trying to make me jealous, it’s working. His hands are on her hips, and he’s telling her something, something apparently very funny because Natalie laughs, practically howls. He doesn’t appear to respond in kind, and I’m not sure what to make of that. I just keep watching, like an addiction I’ve just discovered, one that makes me sick but one I feel as though I need. I wait for Evan to do something that will make me never want to speak to him again, for him to grab her suggestively or to crush his lips against hers so that it’s clear he wants her in a way he could never want me. It’s like I’m willing him to do it so that I can write him off and move out and find some peace in my life, peace that will let me talk to Garrett and not think of Evan, will let me sleep all night without seeing his face.
The source of my perverse pleasure is taken from me when Evan steps away and takes Natalie’s hand, leading her from the dance area so that I’m straining to see where they’re going. I swear that Evan turns his head once or twice—again, as if he is looking for me. But why should he when he has Natalie to focus on?
Has it really been that long that Evan looked at me and told me he wasn’t interested in her and didn’t need me pushing her at him? He’d said he wanted me even though he knew he couldn’t have me. I’m ready to damn him all over again as I try to follow them, but then I’m overcome with the reality that I set this in motion. How long should I have expected him to wait? I’ve not found the courage to tell him that I love him as much as I thought he loved me, the same courage I lack in telling Garrett that maybe we’re rushing things, that maybe we’re only meant to be friends.
I lose sight of them and let them go, not wanting to be the crazed stalker from some Lifetime movie. I don’t even want to imagine what they might do, Natalie fueled with alcohol and the knowledge that I’ve done “stuff” with Garrett and am probably over Evan, and Evan fueled with who knows what.
With the noise at an all time high, I’m drawn toward the doors and into the still warm night, searching for a moment to myself and the chance to take a deep, long breath without inhaling the smells of smoke and sweat and beer. In the darkness, there are crickets or toads or whatever creatures are chirping or croaking in the woods beyond Silver Springs.
I pull my phone out of the small clutch I’ve been carrying. It’s ten thirty, and Garrett has texted me a couple of times. I think about calling him or texting him back, but I don’t want to reveal the anger, resentment and confusion I’m feeling in my voice or my words. He’s at a party with his team buddies, and I think maybe he’s going to start drinking—somewhat uncharacteristically—and meet some pretty girls. Maybe he texted me to keep himself in check, to make sure he didn’t do anything he wasn’t supposed to.
I don’t know.
“What are you doing out here all by yourself?”
My heart nearly stops at the sound of Evan’s voice as I whip around and see him standing a few feet away from me.
“You scared the shit out of me.” I’m still clutching my heart.
“Sorry,” he says, stepping forward. “I was looking for you. Where’s the guy?”
Evan is wearing a snug, short-sleeved black button up shirt, well-fitting jeans and a belt. The cologne he’s wearing is what Natalie would probably call a panty dropper. He’s handsome as always, the kind of guy a girl dreams of meeting on a night like this.
“Chase?” I laugh dismissively. “I told him I wasn’t interested.”
“So, he was trying to get with you?” Evan looks like he’s ready to haul off and punch something.
“I guess,” I say, testing him. “He’s Cara’s brother—he’s harmless. But I’m surprised you came up for air from Natalie.” I cross my arms over my chest, and, with a lift of my brows, I await his response.
“You can’t be serious.” He laughs it off. “She latched onto me as soon as I walked in, and then I saw you and that guy. Plus, she could barely stand up straight, so what was I supposed to do?”
“How about not jumping to the conclusion that I was doing anything more with him than just dancing. Do you really think so little of me?”
“Paige—”
“And you were kissing her Evan.”
“We barely…” He pushes his lips together and shakes his head. “I was wrong to kiss her back, okay? I made a mistake. I was jealous.”
It’s what I’d thought deep down, what I’d hoped, that his interest in Natalie wasn’t real and that he was only trying to upset me, which he did.
“You look beautiful,” he says, not waiting for me to answer him. “I wanted to tell you that as soon as I saw you, but you were otherwise occupied.”
I bite at my inner lip, not sure what to say, not sure what to do. Finally, I take in a deep breath and exhale and then say what I really feel for once in my life. “You look really good too,” is what comes out as I inch closer to him.
His eyebrows lift, and he eats the space up between us, taking a step toward me.
I’m relaxed now, not angry like I was just a few minutes ago, just happy to be so close to him.
“I really missed you when you were gone.” He puts one hand on my hip and the other on my arm.
I don’t respond because my heart starts doing somersaults, and warmth pushes from my abdomen to points south as I wrap my arm around his flank, letting my fingers settle in the waist of his jeans.
He moves the ha
nd on my hip to my ass, and he pulls my body closer to his. The alcohol pulsing through my veins is what helps throw all caution to the wind, and I wrap my other arm around him and bring my lips to his—I don’t even have to step on my tiptoes since my heels make up for some of the difference in our heights.
His lips are hungry, and he pushes his tongue into my mouth. Both of his hands are moving from my ass to my bare thighs and back up while I push beneath his shirt—his skin is so warm and hard under my palms.
He takes his hands off of my ass only to guide my hands up and around his neck. I’m a little confused as to why he wants them there until he lifts me under my thighs and carries me toward the outer wall of the mansion. He softly pushes me up against it as we continue to kiss, my tongue exploring his palate and teeth while his relaxes inside my mouth.
There is so much pressure and heat between my legs that I think I might explode. I’m not even sure this is real—it’s the kind of thing that has happened in my dreams, the ones I’d wake from with an overwhelming sense of pleasure and relief.
Evan balances me with one strong arm and unbuckles his belt with the other, and I know what’s coming. This is real. And I want it—badly. My heart is beating in my ears, and every nerve in my body is tingling. The sudden dampness between my legs tells me how much I want him and that I’m ready for him. And once he pushes up my dress and drags my panties down, I won’t give a half ass response like I did with Garrett. I’ll be too far gone and will allow him to push himself deep inside of me.
“Stop.”
He brings the fingers he’d just snuck under the hem of my dress to a halt, and I’m struck by a physical longing, a pain really, knowing we can’t go further.
“Huh?” Evan mumbles, his breath hot on my neck.
“We can’t do this,” I say to him, wishing so desperately that we could, wanting it almost more than anything.
He sighs and drags his fingers down my leg. “Even if I love you?” He looks into my eyes while still cradling me against the wall.
Love… love… love…
But I still shake my head. “We can’t do this to Garrett. He’s your best friend.”
Evan clenches his teeth together and sighs. “I’m sick of hearing about Garrett. You don’t know the half of it.” He eases me down and buckles his belt back up.
“I have to be strong for him,” I say, regaining my balance. “I can’t do that to him.”
“Yeah…” Evan is sliding his hand through his hair and looking out into the woods. “I get it.”
“Do you?” I put a hand on his shoulder. “I don’t know what to do, Evan. I’m jealous when I see you with Natalie, but I know I can’t have you. I made a commitment to Garrett, so it’s not fair… I know.”
Evan doesn’t say anything for a while. When he finally does, he seems distant. “Just when I think I know how you feel about me… I realize I’ve got no fucking clue.”
“Evan, I wish I could—”
“I think I’m going home,” he cuts in. “You can come with me or get a ride from someone else, but I’m sober, just in case you were wondering.”
“I’ll go with you,” I say, knowing I’ll just worry about him if I don’t and glad I didn’t have to finish that sentence. I wish I could… what exactly? He has every right to want to know where we stand.
I text Natalie and let her know I’m leaving and to text or call me if she’s too drunk to drive and needs help getting an Uber or a cab later, and Evan does the same with his friends.
EVAN
Paige is going to break me.
We walk down the stairs and along the driveway, passing people that are just arriving, boisterous and ready to have an amazing night while I imagine myself looking lobotomized. I can barely look at her, even the sight of her making me hurt and confused and numb. It’s like she and I are playing this game where we’re always at the cusp of winning, and then victory is pulled away at the last second, and we go back to playing.
“I don’t know what I’d do if I lost either one of you,” Paige says as we’re driving back to our apartment, the first thing that has been uttered since we left the party.
She’s talking about me and Garrett of course.
“You won’t lose me,” I say, but I doubt the conviction in my voice. I don’t ever want to hurt her, but a night like this makes me feel like I can’t be around her if I can’t have her.
“You guys were there for me when my dad couldn’t be,” she says softly. “I couldn’t bear it… that I could be hurt by—”
She stops herself.
By what?
I don’t ask, and she doesn’t finish. When we get home, we go to our own rooms, and I wake up at least three times with the urge to go into her room and beg her to break up with Garrett. And while I’m sitting up, in a cold sweat, considering this, I can almost empathize with her and that fear she has of losing us, two guys who are in love with her.
But that doesn’t make it easier for me.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
PAIGE
September
Evan and I go right back into our song and dance of rarely seeing one another. It’s like a bad dream that keeps repeating itself. There is so much I want to say to him, like try to explain in words the sick feeling I get in the very pit of my stomach when I imagine a life without him in it or the fear I have of us getting together and it not working out. There is a sense of safety in not having him too close, in knowing I can never be hurt irrevocably if I don’t let him fully in. And yet I’m hurting now. It’s plain to see he is too.
We resume our trivial discussions in hollow tones, like how school and work is going and not much else. This isn’t at all the kind of relationship I want to have with someone I’ve known for eight years of my life, but we’re at an impasse where we simply exist with one another, and I don’t know how to make it better.
I’ve been taking more shifts—the extra work does take my mind off things—and I’m working two hours extra today. I tell myself I should probably get my own place, but the reality is that a part-time job won’t cut it to pay rent. I keep meaning to ask Evan more about the “living expenses” for my scholarship, but after everything that he’s done for me, I don’t want him to get stuck with having to live with someone he doesn’t know. Then again, he’d probably easily replace me with one of the new friends he’s made. Maybe I’m just afraid that if one of us moves out, I’ll never see him again.
I’m just finishing up an order when Natalie comes in. She’s looking cute in shorts and a sleeveless blouse and is cheerier than usual.
“Hey, girly,” she says, her eyes wide and playful.
“Hey, you,” I say. “I haven’t seen you in a couple of days. I was worried you fell off the face of the earth or something.”
I’d only briefly texted her the morning after the party at Silver Springs, making sure she’d made it home okay and letting her know I’d dry clean and return her dress. She’d punched back an equally simple reply, and I was grateful she hadn’t wanted to get together because I needed a day or two to get over my unfair judgment of her going after Evan.
“Nope, but I do have news,” she says.
“Do you want some coffee to go along with this news?” I’m looking over my shoulder at my manager who is pretty awesome but who doesn’t really like personal chit-chat without an order being placed.
“Mocha with whip please.”
“Coming right up,” I say, pulling a five out from my pocket and putting it into the register. I’m expecting Natalie to tell me she hooked up with some dream guy after I left the party at Silver Springs, any guy that wasn’t Evan.
“You don’t have to do that,” Natalie says.
“No worries,” I offer as she leans over the counter while I’m making her drink. “Just tell me your news.”
“Well, I’m a little worried you’re going to be upset with me.”
“Why would I—”
Evan.
“I finally convinced E
van to go on a date with me,” she says.
“You did?” At least she doesn’t see my face while I’m turned away from her, wondering if it might betray the huge punch to the gut feeling I’m currently experiencing. Evan had said their dance, their kiss, meant nothing.
“I know you guys are complicated, but I figure I’m doing you a favor by taking him off the market.”
“Oh, yeah… I guess. I mean, it’s totally okay, Natalie.” I’m slowly adding whip to her drink, giving myself time, not wanting to look her in the eyes.
“He’s a great guy, which I know you know. I couldn’t help myself. Hopefully it won’t make things weird?”
I take in a big breath, exhale and steel myself, turning around and presenting Natalie her drink. “It’s absolutely fine,” I say, putting on a plastic smile reminiscent of the one Lexi DeNero displayed for her mother the night of our prom. “Evan deserves someone as pretty and amazing as you… really. As one of his best friends, you have my blessing.”
Her smile widens. “I’m glad. I think he thought it might be weird, but I talked him out of that. It means a lot to me that you’re on board!”
I’m absolutely not on board, but I keep up the fake smile that tells her I am and wave politely to her as she leaves. But as soon as she does, my face crumples—I can feel it. All I can imagine is her and Evan, not just kissing but going out on a date, becoming a couple, having sex, and maybe even getting married one day and having children.
I fuck up the next two orders and end up paying for the last one myself because I mess it up not once, but twice, and I don’t want to get fired. I know I have no right to be angry or upset, but the emotional part of me doesn’t agree and will probably come out at Evan’s expense. I’m thinking about the next time I see him, which will probably be later tonight. At least Natalie told me, and I can start to process it, though I’m not sure how much good that will do.
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