I shake my head. “I can’t.”
He gets up and out of bed. “Then I can’t do this. I can’t be around you and not want to touch you and kiss you and hold you next to me. If I can’t finally be honest about us, then there is no us.”
“Evan—”
“Seriously, Paige… I’m sorry for Garrett. I love him and his dad, and I’d like to be there for them. But I won’t lie to him, so that means that you and I aren’t together until you make up your mind.”
I’m up and at his side, touching his shoulder, wanting to carry on with him while keeping Garrett in the dark, for now. But I understand. I know it’s not fair what I’m asking.
“Okay,” I say. “But once things settle down… once I tell Garrett, we’ll be together?”
“I hope so, Paige. All I know is this fucking hurts, and I’m tired of hurting.” He throws me a look and heads into the bathroom. A minute later, the shower is running.
I want to join him and feel his heartbeat under my palms, but I know I can’t—he won’t let me until I can be only his. So, I head back into my room, put on some shorts, a sports bra and lace up my running shoes. After leaving a note for Evan, I head out, knowing the next few weeks are going to suck, but also knowing I’m willing to endure them with the hope we’d all come out of it with intact hearts.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
PAIGE
October
Staying away from Evan is brutal. It’s been three weeks since we had sex and the same amount of time since Garrett had told me about his dad’s heart attack. After having a stent put in, Mr. Hevener is doing much better and is back home. Garrett was able to get a week away from school and football in order to help around the house.
“You’ve made all of this easier,” he says to me on our video chat, looking tan and healthy and so much more at ease than he was a few weeks back. “And your mom and sisters stopped by with another casserole and a cake that Claire apparently made.”
“Claire?” I laugh at that. “I always thought she’d be least likely to cook anything.”
“I guess she’s trying new things.” Garrett shrugs. “And the cake wasn’t bad.”
“Well, I’ll have to make sure I thank her for doing that,” I say, having talked to my mom and Kate just the other day while Claire was apparently doing too much homework to be disturbed.
“Okay, well, I’ve got to go. Dad’s been walking the length of the driveway every day, so now he’s supposed to do it twice.”
“I’m sure he loves having you there,” I say, imagining them walking their very long driveway together. “Anyhow, see you later. Love you.”
“Love you too,” he says before signing off.
When the screen goes black, my heart goes heavy. Garrett is so happy, and even though I don’t want to think I’m part of that happiness, I know our increased communication has had an effect on it. And, in a way, I’m happy too. I’m glad I can be there for a friend, even though I’m missing Evan like crazy and dreading telling Garrett the truth about us or confronting him. I don’t want to believe Evan’s accusations against Garrett, but it would make Evan a liar if I didn’t, and of the two, I’m more willing to believe Evan had no real reason to lie to me. It’s still hard to accept what Garrett did. Through all our communication in the last few weeks, I’ve done my best to put the worst thoughts about him out of my mind. All I focus on is being there for a friend, one that I don’t want to lose.
Natalie and I are still meeting for our study sessions as fall term begins, and she’s still none the wiser about Evan and I. Sometimes Cara joins us as well as this girl named Amelia from North Dakota who’s in a couple of my classes. Instead of the library, we’ve been meeting at this café called Mona’s where they don’t kick you out if all you order is coffee or Coke and a couple big plates of fries.
So, after my video chat with Garrett, I’m at Mona’s with Amelia and Natalie and Cara, working on my second Coke and shoveling my fair share of fries into my mouth.
“Are you liking our child development class?” Amelia asks me like what she really wants to say is how much she hates it.
“I’m not a fan of our professor. It would be nice if we had someone more vibrant.” Instead, we have a somewhat run down, middle-aged woman who looks like she’d rather be doing anything but teaching.
“How about you?” I ask Natalie who’s tapping the end of her pencil against her lips.
“Huh?” She looks as though she’s just snapped out of a trance.
“Any professors you’re hating on so far?”
“Oh, yeah.” She shrugs, her mind obviously on something else.
“You okay?” Cara asks.
“I’m just still bummed you guys.”
“About?” Amelia snags a few more fries.
Natalie looks right at me. “One amazing date with Evan, and then he tells me it won’t work.”
I will myself not to turn red, but I don’t seem to have any control over that. “That was like three weeks ago,” I say. “Didn’t you meet some other guy last Friday?”
“He’s not as cute as Evan.” She sighs. “Jesus, I just need to get him out of my blood. Has he said anything to you, Paige?”
Natalie is many things, but dumb isn’t one of them. I know she knows I’ve lied about my feelings for Evan and that I like him a lot more than I’ve ever put on, but I don’t think she has a clue what really happened between us.
“He’s going through some stuff right now.” It’s not a lie. “I think maybe it’s better to move on.”
Natalie lifts her eyebrows. “What aren’t you telling me?”
“Have I met Evan?” Amelia asks.
“He’s one of my best friends,” I say, “and my roommate.”
“Oh.” Amelia takes a sip of her Coke.
“Back to me.” Natalie gestures with her fingers to focus on her. “Is he seeing someone else? I mean, I thought I was getting a good vibe from him.”
“I told you,” I say. “It’s just not a good time.”
“Fine.” She lets out a huge breath. “I just sort of thought I could hang with a guy like that for a while, and now I can’t even look at him on the quad because I want to jump his bones and he’s so totally not interested.”
I shrug. What else can I do?
“It will get better,” Cara assures her, easy to do since things with her and Marvin are going so well.
“How’s your boyfriend doing?” Amelia asks me. I’ve been free to tell her and Natalie about Garrett and what’s going on with his dad, and sometimes I think I’m just filling the void because I can’t tell them how in love I am with Evan.
“He’s good,” I say. “I just talked to him earlier, and I think he’ll be heading back to school next week.”
“This one,” Natalie says, pointing her pencil at me, “ends up with one of the hottest guys I’ve seen, next to Evan of course. I wasn’t so sure they were right for each other, but I guess I was wrong, and I’m starting to believe I should just move to a tiny town in the middle of the desert and see what I can find.”
Amelia laughs. “We’ve got those in North Dakota too. My high school boyfriends were big farm boys, some of them dumb as rocks, but nice to look at.”
“Evan is super smart,” I say, feeling like I want to be able to sing his praises, even if I have to be vague about it.
“Cute and not dumb as rocks. You aren’t helping me get over him,” Natalie says.
“We should all go out together on Halloween,” Amelia says. “There’s no better holiday for hookups… well, not for you Paige, but maybe it will help you and me get over our man withdrawals,” she says to Natalie.
“Let’s do it,” Natalie announces with renewed vigor. “We can plan out our costumes, do a haunted house and then figure out the best parties to hit.”
“Perfect!” Amelia clasps her hands together.
“How about you?” Natalie asks me. “You think Garrett will mind you dressing up like a sex kitten with us?”
“Not sure about that,” I say, “but I’ll still go. I can be something G-rated.”
“We’ll see about that.” Natalie has a triumphant look in her eyes, and I’m glad she at least has something to focus on other than Evan.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
PAIGE
Halloween
“What are you doing tonight?” Evan asks me as I’m just finishing my apple.
Tonight is Halloween, and sadly, he’s not asking me because he wants to make plans together but like a distant roommate who is just curious if I might be out late.
“I was going out with Natalie and Amelia and Cara,” I say, but I might be staying home.
“Okay,” he says, not asking what has precipitated me wanting to stay in on a night that people our age almost always revel in. “I’m heading to a party,” he adds. “I’m not sure when I’ll be back, but I was just checking to see if you needed a ride anywhere.”
“No, I’m fine.” I set the apple core on the kitchen counter. “Evan, I really wish we could talk more.”
He shakes his head. “I can’t… not until you tell Garrett.”
“I will soon, okay?”
“It’s been over a month now, Paige,” he reminds me. There’s a twisted look to his face, and I know I’m hurting him.
“I know.” I look down, ashamed, but Garrett is doing so well and I’m terrified of pulling the rug out from under him, telling him I’m with Evan and then accusing him of being a liar.
“Well, I’ve got to go to work,” he says. “Maybe I’ll see you later.”
“Sure,” I say, “See you later.”
I breathe a sigh of relief in not having to tell Evan that my new plan for tonight is to video chat with Garrett while we watch The Exorcist. I’d been looking forward to going out with my girlfriends, having picked out a Playboy bunny costume with ears and all. My first choice was a witch, but Natalie convinced me we’d only be able to rock sexy costumes while we were young and that we could dress up as witches when we had kids and joined the PTA. But my bunny debut will have to wait until next year.
By the time evening rolls around, I’ve already filled my day with a shift at Appalachian Roasters and a two-hour study session sans Natalie. She’s mad at me for bailing on her tonight, so I totally get her absence. But I feel like Garrett still needs me, and it’s a little like I’m fattening up a cow for slaughter, wanting to spend as much quality time with him before the inevitable.
“I’m sorry to do this to you,” Garrett says when I pick up the phone. I’ve just walked through the door, not expecting to hear from him until later tonight.
“Sorry to do what?” I ask, a bit concerned and hoping everything is okay with his dad.
“Our coach has signed us up for this thing downtown—we have to hand candy out to little kids at a party, and I think it will be too late your time to start watching the movie.”
“Oh,” I say, hoping he doesn’t hear the sudden relief in my voice. “It’s okay, but you don’t sound too excited about it.”
“It’ll be okay,” he says. “Our coach says it’s community involvement, and since I got back, the team has been really good to me, so I don’t want to bag on them.”
“I totally understand,” I say. “We can watch The Exorcist another time.”
“You have other plans?” he asks, uneasily I think.
“I might go out with a friend,” I say, not wanting to lie. “Or I’ll just watch a bunch of scary movies and hope we don’t get any trick-or-treaters in the complex.”
We say the usual “I love you” and then hang up. It still feels good to tell him I love him, even if it’s just as a friend. I’m inwardly terrified at the idea of not being able to say that, to have him confirm that he deliberately kept Evan and I apart and to then think things about him that might not be able to be undone. I know that this can’t go on forever and that I’ll have to confront him very soon. To not do that would jeopardize my relationship with Evan, and even if Evan might not believe it, I’m not at all willing to lose him.
With some trepidation, I call Natalie up to see if she’ll let me back into girl’s night.
“Thank god you’re coming,” she says.
I relay the story about Garrett having to hand out candy to little kids and try to at least make it sound like I’d never wanted to cancel with her in the first place.
She dismisses any hint that I’m a bad friend and says, “You’re way too hot to spend Halloween stuck at home. I’ll pick you up in an hour so we can get ready.”
I know there are girls who would say I look like a slut in my costume with a white powder-puff tail on my rear, black heels, what looks like a black strapless bathing suit, my shoulders naked and my hair pulled up into a messy up-do with two bunny ears poking out of them. But I’d tell them that I feel empowered to dress however I want because lord knows I would never have been able to wear something like this in Basin Lake where our costumes consisted of witches, cat-women or various characters from Harry Potter.
“We look hot,” Natalie says, admiring Amelia, herself and me in the mirror.
“My boyfriend back home would die,” Amelia says, getting a load of herself as a sexy she-devil in the floor-to-ceiling mirror in Natalie’s apartment. “I dressed up as a lizard last year,” she says like she can’t believe it. “A lizard.”
“No worries,” I say. “I was a ghost. Cut up a dress from the thrift store and painted my face white.”
“You poor babies.” Natalie is perhaps dressed the most risqué of all of us in a short white teddy with faux feathers at the hem, thigh high white boots and a halo affixed to her head. “But I must admit this is the first time I haven’t had to sneak out past my parents and change into my real costume later.”
“But you’re a sophomore,” I remind her. “What did you do last year?”
“Oh, I was at home visiting,” she says and rolls her eyes. “Handed out candy to little kids until nine and then snuck out to a party down the street. I don’t think my dad could have handled the lingerie I’d changed into.”
Amelia laughs, and Natalie relays an entertainingly long, complex story about last Halloween while she drives us to the haunted house. There is mention of pant-less men, a guy who literally bit at her neck with his fake vampire teeth, and a game of bobbing for apples that ended with a guy’s lips attached to Natalie’s.
When we arrive at the haunted house at the edge of downtown, I’m a little less sure of my costume choice than I was earlier. For one thing, it’s fairly chilly, and none of us thought it wise to bring coats. And for another, most of the other girls waiting in line are dressed down, some not in costume at all. And we keep getting stares from guys as we creep forward in the long line—it makes me uneasy and wishing that Evan were here with his arm wrapped around my bare shoulders. He still hadn’t gotten home when Natalie had picked me up, but I left him another note about the haunted house. I’m just hoping he’ll be safe and not drink too much at whatever party he said he was going to. As I stand in line waiting to be scared out of my wits, I decide that I’ve had enough distance between Evan and I and am determined to tell Garrett everything tomorrow.
I don’t let the stares, good or bad, ruin my fun in the haunted house. Natalie, Amelia and I scream bloody murder at the top of our lungs and just about die when guys with hockey masks come at us with chainsaws at the very end. It’s sort of exhilarating, and I’d probably be fine if we’d called it a night after that, gone home, eaten pizza and watched the tail end of a horror movie. But Natalie would never let that slide and assures me I’ll be accompanying her to a Halloween house party outside of town.
On the drive over, down dark roads made darker because of the lack of street lights this far out, I’m missing Evan again and wishing he were sitting next to me, playing with my bunny ears while I toyed with whatever costume he happened to be wearing. My thoughts of him are like a dream, and before I know it Natalie is parking her car on an expanse of lawn at the end
of a very long driveway.
“You girls ready to amaze?” she says.
“Ready for something,” Amelia teases.
“Yeah, sure,” I say softly, opening my door and immediately seeing Evan’s BMW. It’s among all the other cars parked in front of the two-story farmhouse that is surrounded by dark fields and a thick forest in the distance. There is no doubt in my mind that it’s his, even if I can’t make out the license plate. I say nothing to Natalie and hope she doesn’t see, like I want to keep this to myself, just the way I’ve kept my relationship with Evan a secret from her.
“Come on,” she says, waving Amelia and I forward and toward the wide, front stairs where people are smoking cigarettes or pot or vaping while nursing drinks in plastic cups. None of them are in costume, and as we pass them, I worry we’ll be the center of attention on a night where it might be nice to blend in. But once we get inside, everything changes. A lot of the girls crowded at the bottom of the staircase and off to either side in the large dining room and living room are following the same dress code we are. From the looks of it, the guys aren’t being shy either. Something like a quarter of them have their shirts off, dressed as cave men or hot handymen. Natalie and Amelia’s eyes practically bug out, but I’m unaffected. The only guy I want to see shirtless is Evan, and I know he’s here.
“Cara’s over there,” Natalie shouts into my ear, pointing down a long hallway. The music is loud, and she tugs both Amelia and I by our hands as we make our way through the crowd and the house that seems to keep going and going.
“Hey, babe!” Cara says, dressed in what I think is supposed to be a maid’s costume. She’d since moved from the spot Natalie had first sighted her in and is now sitting at the edge of an old, laminated kitchen counter. She hugs and kisses Natalie, and when it’s my turn, I can smell the alcohol on her breath.
“Have you seen Evan?” I ask her, louder than I would have if not for all of the noise, hoping Natalie won’t hear me… but she does.
Between the Boys (The Basin Lake Series Book 1) Page 26