“I hope so,” I say, catching myself fidgeting with the handle of my mug.
“Are you not convinced?” Beth asks.
“Huh?”
“You seem nervous.”
I am. “Oh, it’s just…” I take a deep breath and let it out. “Did Evan and Lexi come in here for coffee this morning?”
Beth looks at me like she’s been caught hoarding Twinkies or something. “Lexi is always going to try to get back with him,” she says matter of fact. “It’s in her blood.”
“And him?”
Beth shakes her head. “Don’t worry. Evan just has a soft spot for her, but it’s only because he doesn’t want to see her hurt. I didn’t see any love in his eyes.”
I try to be okay with that answer and feel at ease as our conversation veers toward our other classmates, the semi-scandalous resignation of our mayor for pilfering funds from parking tickets, and the news that Pamela is thinking about buying Minnie’s out by the freeway. I’ll have to share with Mike if he doesn’t already know.
Warmed up now and saying goodbye to Beth, I should feel more at ease, but I don’t. It helps to run, and the snow actually starts to melt a little, which makes things less slippery, but it also means that I land in more than a few slushy puddles.
When I get home, I take a hot shower and spend the day baking and helping Mom wrap some presents for the girls and Grandma in her bedroom. Then we all watch a movie together and have hot chocolate and popcorn. I’ve just finished washing the last dish when I can’t take it any longer and text Evan.
I needed to say hi… so hi! I miss you. I’d love to talk if you’re free.
After hitting send, I wait. I expect to hear a chime come back any second, but there’s nothing. After five minutes, I call him, but he doesn’t answer, and I don’t leave a message. When after an hour, there is still no response, I go to bed, but there won’t be any slumber. I’m suddenly convinced that Evan is either freezing me out again or he’s with Lexi, neither making sleep easy.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
PAIGE
Christmas Eve
We used to celebrate Christmas Eve with my Dad’s parents in Tacoma, about a forty-five minute drive from our house in Seattle. Their house was always busting at the seams with great aunts and uncles and distant cousins I didn’t know very well. There was a lot of drinking for the adults, presents for anyone under eighteen, and games for everyone. Then bright and early Christmas morning, we’d load the car up, and me, Mom, Dad, and my sisters would drive out to Basin Lake for Christmas Day, until the last couple of years when the trip was too hard for Dad.
After he died, we went back to Tacoma the first few Christmas Eves. The celebration was moved from my paternal grandparents to one of my great uncle and aunt’s places, a big old house in one of the older parts of the city. Without Dad there, it never felt quite the same, and then Aunt Jess and her husband moved to Canada, and Grandma Kessel died two years later, followed by Grandpa Kessel the next. They were both relatively young themselves, but Mom said Dad dying had broken their hearts.
So Christmas Eve here has always been sort of somber. It’s a low-key kind of day that can border on depressing if we aren’t careful, and we often just end up piled on the couch watching movies, our minds drifting toward memories of years past.
This is the day I’m facing as I get up, shower and dress. I did manage to finally get some sleep, and it’s already ten. Everyone else is up and moving, but they all seem to be doing their own thing.
“Thinking about Dad?” I ask Mom who is in the kitchen scrubbing the stovetop with enough pressure to break concrete.
She stops and smiles softly. “I sure am. It’s always going to be a tough day. The girls have banded together to watch movies in my bedroom, and Grandma is already watching Dr. Phil. What about you? Any plans to pass the day?”
I shrug. “Not sure. Probably just veg out.”
My phone rings just as Mom is about to say something, and she looks at the phone instead. “Go ahead and answer, honey. I’ll get back to scrubbing.”
I pick it up and see Evan’s name. Part of me would like to ignore him the way he did me all of last night, but I don’t have the will.
“Hey,” I say, seeking out the semi-privacy of the living room to talk.
“Hey, yourself,” he says, sounding like he’s glad to hear my voice. “I got your message, and I’m glad your self-imposed time away from me is over. How about we do something?”
I pull at the hem of my shirt and turn to see my mother still scrubbing away. “Yeah, sure… let’s.”
“Cool, can you be ready in a half hour? I’ll pick you up.”
“I’ll be ready,” I say. With a half an hour to do something other than just thinking about Evan, I rush upstairs, take a shower and get dressed, making sure to look cute but not too cute in some leggings, boots, a fitted sweater and my hair up in a ponytail. I go light on makeup, little more than some mascara and lip-gloss, and then I just wait for Evan to arrive.
EVAN
“I hope you don’t mind me dragging them along.” I point toward McKenzie and Henry who I left sitting in the car. I’m hoping Paige won’t have an issue with it, but I didn’t feel right leaving them home by themselves on Christmas Eve.
“No, that’s fine,” Paige says somewhat coolly. “Let me just grab my coat, okay?”
She closes the door, looks at me with her wide eyes, her expression unreadable.
“Is it okay for me to kiss you now?” I’m eager to do exactly that, and maybe her lips will offer me more insight into what she’s thinking.
Her smile is relenting, and I take her into my arms and kiss her, leaving her a little breathless I think.
“I bet you slipped your tongue in,” my half-brother, Henry, says once we’re in the car.
“Aren’t you only eight?” Paige asks, amused. “When I was eight, I didn’t even know what a French kiss was.”
He just laughs, and McKenzie lightly punches him on the shoulder.
“I just wanted to get them out of the house,” I say in a low whisper. “My mom and stepdad got into a fight last night, so I took them out for dinner. I’d put my phone away so I could just focus on them, and it was really late when I finally checked it—I didn’t want to wake you up.”
“No, that’s okay,” she says, and I think maybe she’s relieved to find out I wasn’t trying to be an asshole.
Our destination is the mall in downtown Spokane. It’s flooded with holiday shoppers, and I send McKenzie and Henry off to get pictures with Santa while Paige and I find a free bench to sit down and watch them from.
“She says it’s stupid,” I say of McKenzie who’s waiting in line with Henry. “But look at the smile on her face. I’m sure she’s going to post the pic on Instagram and tell all her friends how ironic she’s being.”
Paige smiles. “You’d make a great father. You’re definitely a good brother.”
“Aw, shucks.” I pull her close to me, nothing quite like the feeling of having her so near—I never want to let her go.
We sit there for a little while and watch the very slow line move while actors and actresses dressed as elves try to entertain the children waiting for their last chance to give Santa their verbal wish list. That thing Paige said about me being a good father? Well, it’s easy to imagine our own kids shuffling through that line someday.
“I saw you yesterday morning outside of Pamela’s… with Lexi,” Paige says out of the blue.
Ah, shit.
“You did?” My vision of our future children goes to static.
“I was driving back from the store, and I saw you guys hugging. Should I be worried?” She says the words quick and concisely, and I’m determined to answer in just the same way.
“No, you have no reason to be. Lexi found out I was back home, and she called me. It sounded like she really needed a friend—I didn’t think it could hurt. We’ve been through a lot, you know?” It’s the truth, and damn if I’m going
to let even the mention of Lexi or Garrett tear us up again.
“Yeah, it sounds like it,” she says.
“She hugged me because she was thanking me for seeing her,” I explain further. “I told her I’m in love with you, Paige, and she accepts that, but I think it’s still kind of hard on her.”
I grab her hand, and thankfully she grips mine back.
Her eyes are downcast before jumping back up to mine. “I know it’s not my business, but I’d like to know what happened, about her being pregnant. It would help me.”
I knew this was coming. And if Paige and I are going to make it, I suppose she’s got to see all of the ugly in my life that I’ve tried to hide.
“First, I need you to understand something,” I say. “I’d only dated other girls because I didn’t think I had a chance with you. That summer before senior year when you and Mike were always making out at the bonfires?——well, that wasn’t easy for me to see.”
“Oh,” Paige says, looking embarrassed.
“That’s when Lexi and I got together, and it moved… fast. I didn’t take all the precautions I should have, and we found out she was pregnant in September, right when school was starting.”
“Yeah, okay…” Paige is so quiet, and I’d give anything to know what she’s thinking, but I have to get it all out.
“She was kind of happy about it,” I continue. “She thought this was going to make her such an adult and that we’d live this fairy tale life together, but I just freaked—I was still seventeen, and the last thing I could imagine for myself then was being a father.
“I kept telling her she couldn’t have the baby, and she kept saying she was going to. So, then I told her she’d have to give it up for adoption or have an abortion because, if she didn’t, then I wouldn’t stay with her. I know… I know… it’s bad. I still feel bad about it, but after she told me no for the last time, I never pressured her again. I told her I wasn’t ready to be a dad but that I’d get a job and help pay for the kid. I was terrified of telling my parents considering the fuckup they already thought of me as, so I just was waiting it out and hoping things would get better.”
“And they didn’t?”
“Next thing I know, Lexi tells me she had an abortion. She went to the urgent care and told my stepdad she was pregnant and that she wanted to get rid of it, and he helped her.”
“You didn’t know?”
I shake my head. “I’m not going to say I wasn’t relieved. I was. But Lexi has issues with herself, stuff that I guess it’s not really for me to tell. But I knew the abortion wasn’t going to sit right with her, but then again, I don’t think it would have sat right even if she’d had the baby. So, I spent the rest of senior year by her side, trying to assure her I cared about her, feeling guilty as hell and finally coming to the conclusion that I’d never really make her happy. And in the process, I’d been miserable… because all I wanted was to be with you, the person I was really in love with.”
Paige is on the verge of tears, but I can tell from her forgiving eyes they aren’t tears of anger.
“I’m sorry, Evan. I can only imagine, and I just feel so… clueless, like I should have known what you were going through.”
“You couldn’t have,” I assure her. “At least Garrett kept that secret for a while. I didn’t want anyone to know, and Lexi wasn’t keen on sharing either.”
“Is Lexi okay now, without you?”
“She’s trying,” I say. “She’s been dating a guy that works over at the garage. I guess he comes in with his friends to the restaurant a lot.”
“I hope he has a lot of patience,” Paige says, the beginnings of a smile on her face. “Lexi and I don’t have the best track record, but I don’t want her to be unhappy.”
“I think he does,” I say, quietly admiring Paige’s concern for others, even those who might not have the same concern for her. “She was always so rude to you… she knew… she knew how I felt about you even if I couldn’t say it then. But it doesn’t make it right, and I told her she needs to help herself now, to go to counseling, so she won’t keep taking her misery out on other people.”
“It makes sense now,” she says. “Thank you for telling me.”
“Of course.” I peer into her eyes, looking for clues that she might be holding something back or confirmation she and I are truly okay now.
“I think that’s everything,” she says, her widening eyes and growing smile hopeful.
“Everything?”
“The last big secret between us. From now on, I think we need to be as honest as we can with each other. So, I figure it’s best I tell you I talked to Garrett this morning.”
Garrett. My body stiffens, a visceral reaction at the very mention of him.
“I just wanted to set things right with him,” she says like seeing him again was no big deal. “He’s doing a lot better today. Just give him time, Evan. I think we’ll all be friends again, someday.”
“If you say so.” I’m not convinced. I’d have never imagined that my best friend would actively try to keep me apart from Paige, so I can’t put anything past him quite yet.
“I don’t think it’s fair of you to hold it against me that I went to Pullman with him or that I went to see him this morning. You kind of did the same with Lexi.”
I sigh. “You’re right. It’s just that I’m a guy, and I’m jealous, but no excuse, right?”
She shakes her head. “Nope. I’m a girl, and I get jealous too.”
“That you do.” I’m grinning because I like the thought of her being jealous, of not wanting me with anyone else but her.
“You guys should come over tomorrow for Christmas,” she says as McKenzie begrudgingly sits on Santa’s lap and makes a peace sign for the flash of the camera.
“All of us?”
“Well, you and McKenzie and Henry. I’m sort of trying to save you guys from your parents.”
“That would be nice,” I say, knowing Mom and Bill will attempt some kind of family thing in the morning before one or both of them finds some emergency to deal with at their respective jobs. “I think they’d like to be in a house that actually celebrates Christmas together.”
“Great,” she says, planting a kiss on me before the kids come back.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
PAIGE
Christmas Day
I was somewhat worried at first that Mom wouldn’t be okay with me inviting three extra people to our intimate Christmas dinner, but she was actually pretty stoked. And even though Claire and McKenzie don’t exactly run in the same circles, they’re both fifteen and in the same grade, and Claire admits she’s always liked Evan’s sister. Kate is the only one who is unhappy at first. I finally explain to her and Claire that Garrett and I are broken up but that we’ll still be friends, a concept Kate doesn’t seem to want to understand.
“But why would you choose Evan instead of Garrett?” she asks in horror.
Before I can formulate a response, Claire says, “But at least he’s single now,” and this is apparently all it takes to make Kate smile again.
I’d at first told Evan not to come until four because I wanted everything to be perfect for their arrival, but then he mentioned something about helping out, and I realized it was going to be so much more fun, if not also more hectic, if they all came early and lent their extra hands. So, at eleven, the trio arrives, and I hand an apron with a giant Santa on it to Evan.
“Will it even fit?” he asks.
“Sure it will,” I say. “It was my dad’s.”
That brings a smile to his face, and he quickly puts it on.
Our house comes alive, and while Evan and I work on mixing ingredients together for cookies and applesauce cake, Mom is teaching the younger set how to cook the side dishes and the poor headless turkey. Grandma is sitting at the dining room table with a huge smile on her face as she very patiently puts needle and string through popcorn, and all of the younger set seems fascinated by what she’s doing.
> Evan’s a natural measuring things out and mixing the wet and dry ingredients until they’re smooth and without lumps, and having known Evan so long and lived with him for the past six months, I should know the answer to the question I’m about to ask. “How’d you learn to cook so well?”
He stops stirring and smiles. “You’re just now getting around to asking me?”
I blush as I basically try to break apart the lumps forming in the bowl I’m working on. “I was going to a bunch of times when you’d cook those amazing meals at the apartment, but I felt like I should already know the answer. It’s not like we’re strangers or anything.”
“Don’t feel bad,” he says. “Being a good cook didn’t seem like something I needed to advertise in high school, but to answer your question, I pretty much learned from recipes and videos online, and the occasional cooking show.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I was always so jealous of Garrett because his mom cooked these amazing meals, you know?”
I nod. She always has.
“And my mom was always at work,” he continues. “Her and Bill did keep the house fully stocked with groceries though, so sometimes I’d go online or turn on the cooking channel and try to duplicate what I saw.”
I stand in a sort of stunned silence for a moment. There are still so many things I don’t know about Evan, things he kept to himself as well as things he went out of his way to hide. “I don’t feel very observant,” I finally say.
“Why should it matter if you knew I could cook or not? All I cared about in high school is that if I called you, you picked up. If I needed a friend, you were there. And at every football game, you sat right next to me, even if it made Lexi crazy mad at you.”
The lump in my bowl is finally giving way, and I nudge him. “Don’t make me cry, Evan. That’s the kind of stuff they write in greeting cards.”
Between the Boys (The Basin Lake Series Book 1) Page 34