by S. K. Lessly
I was bone tired and thought about taking a shower at the firehouse before heading home, but I thought against it. I wanted my own shower and bed. I grabbed my stuff out of the locker I was using for the day, said my goodbyes to the group, and made a beeline for my truck. I started up the V-8 engine then shut it down, remembering something I needed to do, and pulled out my phone. I stared at it for a few minutes trying to figure out what I was going to say to her. Fuck it. I’ll improvise.
I looked up her number and hit send.
She answered on the third ring, and I swear her voice made my entire body relax.
“Hey, you okay?” Lauren prodded her voice scratchy and low.
“Yeah, I’m good. I’m tired, but I’m good,” I replied my own voice low and horse. “Did I wake you?”
“Not really. I’ve been tossing and turning waiting for your call. How’s your team? Is everyone okay?”
I blew out a breath.
“There were some injuries, a few bumps and bruises for some, but nothing life-threatening. Everyone will live.” I wasn’t going to tell her about the one victim we did find that wasn’t breathing. She didn’t need to know that bit of information.
“That’s good. I’m so glad.”
Her voice seemed off.
I asked, “What about you? How are you feeling? I assume you didn’t go to the ER, are you good? Did you get some rest?”
“Eh, I’m okay. A few bumps and bruises, but otherwise I’m good.”
“Fuck Lauren, what were you doing there anyway?”
She let out a low groan and told me how she came to mill about at my fire scene.
I shook my head incredulously. “And you thought it would be a great idea to watch as cold as it was out there?”
“Yeah. I know it wasn’t smart. I was kind of there looking for you, and you can imagine how surprised I was to see you there. After that, I wanted to watch you in action.”
“Despite the cold?”
She laughed. “Yeah, it was cold as shit outside. To be honest, I didn’t feel it much. With the people around me, I hadn’t noticed.”
“Uh-huh, well promise me no more watching fire scenes, okay?”
“Okay fine, I won't do it again,” she replied with a bit of petulance in her voice.
I chuckled. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome," she mumbled sarcastically.
She and I both fell silent as the weight of what this phone call meant started to sink in. I tried not to let it get to me, but I could feel the anxiety coursing through my veins. I blew out a breath, grew a stronger set of balls, and opened my mouth to tell her everything that I’ve been feeling since we split. However, Lauren must have taken my silence to mean something else. She only let me say a few words before she cut in.
“Listen, Lauren I—”
“Please don’t, Paul,” she cut in quickly. “I get it, okay and it’s fine. You don’t have to say anything else. You and I were both were under a boatload of stress earlier. I thought something happened to you, and you thought the same thing, then the kiss…I understand really I do. You don’t have to let me down easy.”
“What? Lauren I—” confused as shit, I began again, but the woman cut me off— again!
“No, Paul, seriously. It's fine. I’m just glad you’re okay, that’s all.”
I could hear the dejection and sorrow in her voice, which gutted me. However, it didn’t stamp down the anger that was brewing. As usual, the woman had things all wrong. I stayed quiet waiting for her to flip out, maybe cuss me out or something. Surprisingly, though, she didn’t. That didn’t mean she wasn’t thinking crazy thoughts though.
I cleared my throat. “Are you done yet?” My voice held just the hint of the anger that I felt.
“What?” she answered her voice laced with surprise. I knew the harshness in my voice caught her off guard. I didn’t give two fucks. Her impulsive ways needed to be put in check; she needed to be put in check.
“You heard me. Are you done? Can I talk now?”
“Oh, um, I’m sorry. I just… no, you’re right. I’m sorry, Paul. I’ll shut up, I swear.” She rambled on, and I couldn't help the chuckle that left my lips.
“I swear to God, woman. You’re lucky I love you.” I heard a small gasp fall from her lips
“What?” she whispered hoarsely, and so low that I barely heard her, and that’s when I realized what I just said.
Shit…
I couldn’t believe I just admitted that shit aloud. Sure, I was thinking about it, and it wasn’t a false statement. I just didn’t expect to tell her this way.
Lauren was quiet for a long time. Damn it, is she freaking out?
Before I broke the silence, at the same time thinking about what to say, she spoke.
“You love me?” she asked hesitantly, and the surprise in her voice eased the tension in my body.
I smiled and breathed out a sigh of relief. I also didn’t answer her question. It was rhetorical anyway. I knew she heard every word I said. Instead, I asked her, “I think it’s time you and I talked, don’t you?”
She didn’t reply.
I coaxed softly, “Lauren, you still there?”
I knew she was. I heard her heavy breathing on the other end of the phone. I just needed her to get out of her head and in this moment.
“Um, I'm sorry, uh, what did you say? Oh yeah…uh” She started sputtering softly, and my grin grew. God, she sounded adorable all flustered. “Well um…sure I—”
I cut her off this time and added, “But things are a little crazy for you right now, wouldn’t you say?”
“Crazy? What—” she began confusion still evident in her voice.
“Sweetheart, you have this guy in your life that you need to get rid of, correct? Before we talk about the possibility of us again, you need to get rid of him. Unless, that is, you don’t want to talk about us. I mean I saw how much you were dying to jump my bones earlier.” She sucked her teeth and snorted. I laughed. “It’s up to you, baby.”
“What about you? Don’t you have things to get sorted?” she asked, sounding more confident with a hint of excitement and hopefulness mixed together.
I smiled.
“I don’t have a guy in my life that I have to get rid of unless you’re referring to Samson, and that’s not going to happen. Believe me, I’ve tried to get rid of him for years, and so far it hasn’t worked. He’s like a leech.”
She laughed lightly and that sound, fuck, it made me feel good.
“You know what I mean, smartass,” she retorted, a lightness in her voice.
I did know what she meant, but half of me didn’t want to get into it with her over the phone. I didn’t want to tell her about Bridgette just yet. Why? Because I knew if I did, she’d tell me to come over right then and there to “talk” face to face, and I knew the second I laid my eyes on her we wouldn’t be talking. Stripping her naked and having my carnal way with her before we talked this out wasn’t a good idea.
She and I both had been through a lot last year. Despite how we felt about each other, we needed to decide together if we should try again or wait and get our lives in order before we pursued this?
Also, I wanted to know how she felt about me, and I wanted to see her eyes when I asked her that question. Not that she would lie to me, or that I even needed assurance. Hell, I had seen it in her eyes and the desperate way she held me at the scene earlier, how she felt about me. Nevertheless, I didn’t want to assume shit.
On the other hand, I couldn’t leave her hanging without telling her something. She deserved to know some of it, the rest I’ll tell her later.
“Bridgette and I are no longer seeing each other,” I finally admitted.
She gasped trying to sound as if the news surprised her, but she wasn’t fooling anyone.
“You two broke up?” she asked. “When? What happened?”
I frowned slightly deciding to play along. I was sure she heard about Bridgette and me before today. If she had
n’t, I was sure she wouldn’t have kissed me the way that she had some hours ago.
“I wouldn’t say we “broke up”. We were never really together, and why are you so shocked?”
There was a slight pause before she replied, “Oh, uh, no I’m not saying that I’m shock or rather I am, I just… wait, what do you mean you were never really together? The way you two were hugged up at the wedding and—”
“—and what?” I cut in. “Lauren, we were seeing each other, but we never placed a label on anything. Think about it. I had just gotten out of a crazy relationship. Then you and I stopped doing whatever it was we were doing. I didn’t want to start anything with her, and she agreed. Bridgette just got out of a long-term relationship herself before we met. We were feeling each other out, enjoying each other’s company. We dated, but we were never exclusive.”
“Wow, I thought you two were a thing. Dang, I guess I was wrong about that. So um… shoot. Are you okay with how things went down?”
I laughed. I couldn’t help it. “Yeah, I’m good.”
“What’s so funny?” she asked, her voice putting on a bit of an edge, or the best she could considering she sounded like shit.
“You asking me if I’m okay.”
She scoffed. “Well, I was being considerate. I get that you two were just dating, but you looked, I don’t know, happy I guess. And your situation with her, well it sounded better than you and I and—”
“Uh, no it wasn’t better than you and me,” I said quickly, cutting her off. I didn’t want her to even finish that fucked up statement. I decided to clarify Bridgette and me as best I could.
“Look, Lauren. Bridgette and I started out just hanging out. We went on dates, talked on the phone a bit and well… you can fill in the rest. That was it between us. I wanted to get to know her better, to see if there was the potential of something. I didn’t want to jump into anything before I knew we fit. Does that make sense?”
Lauren got quiet for a few long seconds before she answered me. “Yeah, it makes sense. I was doing the same thing too. I just thought you were a little farther along than just dating. I mean, you went on a trip together.”
I blew out a breath and leaned my seat back a little. “We never made that trip.”
“What do you mean?”
It was my turn to pause. I had to think about what all I wanted to admit to her. This was the reason why I didn’t want to start down this road over the phone. I was here now, so I might as well give her it all.
“She and I went our separate ways right before Christmas.”
“You did? Holy Shit, I had no idea.” She admitted with feigned surprise in her voice. I just laughed at her.
“Oh please, woman. You’re so full of shit. I’m sure a little birdy told you, a pregnant birdy at that.”
I knew her and Tonya were close. I also knew Tyler couldn’t hold water if his life depended on it, despite what he said about not gossiping. I had no doubt she knew I had broken things off with Bridgette. When she didn’t deny or confirm my accusation I continued.
“Anyway, Bridgette and I came to our senses and realized that we weren’t really right for each other.”
“You two just decided?”
“Well, no. There was more to the story, but in a nutshell yes. We enjoyed each other’s company, had a great time getting to know each other but… that was it. There was no spark between us like...” I trailed off for a beat allowing what I just insinuated to sink in. After a few heart beats I continued. “She and I just didn’t fit. I had decided to tell her that very thing but before I could she told me that she had reconnected with her ex and that was it.”
“She decided to get back with her ex just like that?”
“To be honest, even if she didn’t get back with her ex, I knew we had no future.”
There was a slight pause on the other end before she asked, her voice low and hesitant. “Why is that?”
I breathed out. “Because she wasn’t you.”
I heard a slight gasp on the other end and I smiled.
“You are embedded in my soul, Lauren.” I continued, desperately wanting, no needing her to understand just how I felt about her. “I don’t know when it happened, but it did. And I don’t know what will come of us, or if it’s a good idea for us to try again but I, I don’t know…” I ran my hand down my face and breathed out again. “I ache for you, baby. It’s as simple as that. And seeing you tonight just brought everything home for me. We owe it to ourselves to at least entertain the possibility of us again, don’t you agree?”
It was quiet on the other end before I heard her sniffle and say softly, “Yes.”
I smiled as a weight seemed to lift off my chest. “First, though, we have some things to settle in our own lives. Then we can talk about what happened at the scene.”
“Oh, you mean when you stuck your tongue down my throat?”
I could hear the playfulness in her voice, mixed in with the sniffing sounds she made. I guess this had been our talk essentially. I mean I was sure we needed to say other shit to each other. I was sure she wanted more from me, and I needed more from her, but at least we answered the important question. She wanted me, wanted this, and I could live with that answer for at least a few more days.
I chuckled. “Yeah, we can talk about that too.”
We fell silent, and I was battling myself on whether I should just say fuck it and go to her now. There was no doubt I wanted her back in my arms. I wanted to touch her, taste her again. Damn, it took everything in me not to take her right there on the scene. She had me by my balls all this time and I didn’t even know it.
I heard Lauren whisper my name, and my heart exploded with love for her. This woman was killing me.
I gripped the phone tight in my hand and dropped my chin to my chest. “Baby, I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too,” was her instant reply, which made my heart swell even more. “When do you want to have this talk?”
‘Now’ was on the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed that thought, and instead I replied, “Well, I have a shift to work at my own firehouse tomorrow before I get a break. Why don’t we make plans to sit down this weekend? I’m off Saturday. That gives you time to get rid of that guy before I do. Is that cool with you?”
She chuckled and blew out a sarcastic sigh. “Well, I guess I have no choice but to wait.”
I shook my head, the side of my mouth rising in my cheek. “Lauren, that’s only a few days away.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m good with that.”
“Listen, I have to go, but I’ll give you a call maybe later today.”
Hell, who was I kidding, there was no maybe. I would call her later today.
“Okay,” she replied softly, then added, her voice a heavy whisper, “You said you loved me.”
“Later, baby,” I replied my own voice low and deep and full of every ounce of love I had for her. “We'll talk about everything later. Just… get some rest. You’re gonna need it.” She snorted, and I grinned. “And remember what I said before, if your symptoms persist, take your stubborn ass to urgent care.”
She groaned, and I could visualize her rolling her eyes, but I couldn’t hide my concern. Her voice was still raspy-sounding as if she had smoked five packs of cigarettes a day since she was born. I hoped that whatever caused the explosion today hadn’t damaged her lungs. The tests conducted at the scene for any chemicals that were housed in the warehouse hadn’t come back yet, so we weren’t sure what had caused such a devastating explosion. I just hoped everything came back normal or it wasn’t anything harmful to the public. That would be catastrophic for everyone on the scene.
Lauren pulled me out of my head when she gave me a sarcastic, “will do,” before she hung up.
Grinning like an idiot, I dropped my phone on the seat next to me, started my truck, and pulled out of my parking space. I headed in the direction of home, resisting the urge to make my way to her house instead. We really needed to get to th
e bottom of what broke us before we did anything else.
We fucked up our friendship in so many ways. I didn’t think we could sustain a lifelong relationship if we didn’t fix what we broke. We had a second chance to right the wrongs of our past. We needed to be smart this time around. I needed to be smart. Being with Bridgette was an eye-opener for me. First, I shouldn’t have explored anything with her so soon after Lauren. My head and heart were still tied to that crazy woman. There was no room for anyone else.
I didn’t think anything was wrong with me playing the field. After all, I was newly pushed into the single life. I should’ve spent the time exploring that new single life by getting to know myself and what I wanted out of life.
Here was the thing, I already knew what I wanted and the kind of man I wanted to be. I was living the life that I was born to live, doing the job I was born to do, and there was no denying it. And if I was being honest, I’ve always wanted one woman, Lauren Michelle Kelly. She had been mine the second I changed her tire that cold September night. It just took a while for me to realize it and do something about it. Now that I have, fuck I needed to stop stalling and claim what was rightfully mine.
I stopped at an intersection and weighed my options. I could make a left and take my horny ass home, or I could go claim my woman. I breathed in and out slowly, and as the light turned green, I took a left.
Saturday was two days away. I needed her to get rid of that son of a bitch before I did it for her. We also needed to work through the damage our stubbornness caused the both of us. Despite how we felt about each other, we needed to play this smart.
No. I needed to play this smart. You could call me a punk for waiting until Saturday to talk to her, fine. You probably wouldn’t be alone in your assessment. However, this was my life. I wasn’t going to be foolish. Plus, I wanted Lauren more than I wanted to breathe. I would not fuck up the second chance we both have been given. But, make no mistake, come Saturday she would be mine.