Front Porches and Funerals: A Swamp Bottom Novella

by K. A. Ware

  Oh, crap, what if the booger was on my chin? Or on the other side of my face? God…

  “Adelaide Dubois Bordeaux and Savannah Dubois.”

  Wait…what?

  “Um, excuse me, Mr. Carlisle, there must be some mistake.”

  My eyes widened as Colonel Sanders finished the stipulations of Pappy’s will. “No mistake, Adelaide. It’s all right here if you’ll let me finish.” Clearing his throat, he read the last of the will. “Equal division of my rights to the business shall be divided between Adelaide and Savannah with Adelaide retaining all financial and business related decision and executor rights. Savannah will remain a silent partner with monetary rights, however due to a proven instability with finances and sound judgment, will not be allowed a voice in day to day operations.”

  Savannah shrugged. “Makes sense.”

  Panic set in. “But Daddy!” I turned to him, holding out my hands as if that would make a difference. “You’re his son!”

  Daddy shook his head and smiled as if he’d expected this all along. “Addie, your Pappy always knew I hated fishing, and I’ve never had any desire to be the boss of anything.”

  “But…” I pulled at my hair, dislodging it from the sensible low ponytail I’d constructed earlier that morning. “There’s got to be some loophole.” I shot a glance back at Colonel Leghorn. “There’s a loophole…right?”

  Sighing, The Colonel put his glasses back on and shook the papers. “It says, upon Adelaide and Savannah’s final decision regarding their roles in DuBlanc Fishery, they have the option to sell their shares to Zephirin LeBlanc. The proceeds shall be divided equally between Adelaide Bordeaux, Savannah Dubois, and William Dubois.”

  As I glanced from face to face in the room, no one seemed stunned but me. In fact, everyone seemed pretty pleased with themselves for sitting around at a will reading for my dead grandfather.

  Loophole. There was always a loophole.

  Roland had one. Now Pappy had one.

  It was time I had one.

  Standing outside Colonel Sanders’s office building, I’d almost chewed off every acrylic nail I had. My entire right hand looked like it’d been attacked by a hungry Rottweiler. Savannah stood beside me twirling the ends of her hideous shawl like a damn baton.

  “So…” she drawled, holding her rounded lips in the ‘o’ position.

  “So?” I repeated with an edge of impatience.

  She cocked an eyebrow and pointed her thumb over her shoulder. “Don’t we need to talk to Zep?”

  I snorted. “One never needs to talk to Zep, Sav. One is forced to talk to Zep.”

  “Ladies, my ears are burning over here.” Sea salt and spice filled my nose and my knees shook out of anger. Squaring my shoulders, I plastered on my best Sugarbirch smile and spun around to face my nemesis. I may’ve been shamed by my husband, but this asshole didn’t need to know that I was ten dollars away from being a panhandler.

  “Considering the company I imagine you kept last night, you’ll probably have other things burning soon. I’d stop by the free clinic on your way home if I were you.”

  “Tsk tsk tsk, watch it, Snow White, that pretty little mask of yours is slipping by the minute.” Shoving his hands into his jeans, he stared at me for a full minute before speaking again. “Let’s get real, Addie, when are you leaving?”

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “Exactly what you think it does. Look, let’s make this easy on everyone so you can go back to your fancy little house and needle dick husband, all right?”

  I was always the calm one. In crisis situations, I kept a level head and found peace while everyone else around me lost their shit and threw things. I’d never hit anyone in my life and swore violence only encouraged more violence.

  Right now, violence and losing my shit sounded real good. In fact, I wanted nothing more than to be anyone other than the person he’d always known. Little Miss Goody Two Shoes. Belle of the Ball. Miss Perfect.

  “No.” It was the only word I could get out without a string of curses behind it.

  “Look, Addie, we need to seriously sit down and figure this out.” He glanced over at Savannah and tilted his chin at her. “You too Sav. We have to work out the negotiations, because let’s face it, Adelaide’s not going to be a part of the business, and you couldn’t run a free taco stand in Mexico.”

  Savannah nodded. “He’s got a point, Ads.”

  “No.” Wow, seriously? My vocabulary had taken a nose dive since crossing the parish line into Terrebonne. Did I even know another word?

  The eternal smug look on Zep’s face faded, only to be replaced by hardened irritation. His nostrils flared, and the muscles of his forearms flexed as he grabbed me by the elbow and pushed me out of earshot of my family. “I’m not going to fuck with you on this. You shouldn’t worry yourself with a business you wouldn’t dream of dirtying your pristine hands with, Adelaide Bordeaux.”

  A fire swirled in my belly. As God was my witness, only Zep LeBlanc could rip a hole in my carefully constructed exterior and make me forget who I’d fought to become. I hated him for that. I hated everything about him. I hated what he stood for and I hated him for hating me.

  Most of all, I hated being dependent on a man for anything anymore.

  Once and for all, I was going to prove to everyone in Shreveport and Terrebonne Parish that Adelaide Dubois Bordeaux was no princess. She had a brain, a degree, and by God, now…she had a business.

  Jerking my elbow from his hold, I stood nose to nose and smiled right in his face. “Well, I’m afraid you’re going to have to fuck with me, Zephirin.” I widened my grin as his face registered shock at my profanity. “See, I have nothing better to do than fuck with you. So, I guess,” I pressed my lips to his ear in a wildly inappropriate and out of character gesture. “you’re stuck with me.”

  Four

  A Proper Homecoming

  Savannah

  Terrebonne Parish, LA

  Addie hadn’t spoken a word the entire drive to the house after the will reading. I was pretty sure she was in shock. Hell, I was too after the way she’d left Zep LeBlanc gaping like a bass on the sidewalk. I didn’t miss the extra sway she’d put in her hips, or the way Zep’s eyes had been glued to her ass either. There was definitely more to that story, and one way or another, I was going to find out.

  Gravel crunched under the tires as we bumped down the long drive leading to Pappy and Bab’s. Cars already filled the empty field at the back of the house; it looked as if half the damn parish had come to pay their respects.

  “You ready?” Addie asked, finally breaking her silence as she maneuvered her fancy car to a space amongst the beat up and rusted cars and trucks.

  “Not quite, but it’s nothing Babs’ vodka stash can’t fix,” I said, wiggling my eyebrows at her. It had the desired reaction.

  Addie burst into a full belly laugh that echoed in the small car. I watched as she wiped away a few stray tears and attempted to compose herself once more. For a split second, I saw the old Addie. The Addie that had laughed freely at all the stupid shit I used to do and genuinely seemed to enjoy her life. It’d been a long time since I’d seen that girl and it made me even more determined to bring her back once and for all. I knew there was something going on with her and a feeling in my gut told me it all had to do with Shit Stain.

  The smell of barbeque and crawfish filled the air as we climbed out of the car and made our way through the crowd of people milling around the yard. We stopped to say hello and give hugs to people we hadn’t seen in years. It was nice. That sense of community I’d missed for so long started to seep into my skin, and the clawing guilt and anxiety began to slip away. We were home, where we belonged. Now, I just needed to convince Addie.

  Things were going well, and we listened and laughed as people told story after story about our Pappy. As the sun set, the tension in Addie’s shoulders slowly started to ease. Of course, it could’ve been the vodka I’d slipped into our
drinks, but either way she seemed to be at least relaxing, if not having fun. It was a wake after all.

  “Look what I found!” Jeremiah hollered to the crowd, holding up something I couldn’t see from my vantage point before launching himself off the front porch.

  Oh, fuck, where the hell did he get a blow torch?

  There were cheers of encouragement from the crowd, and Babs stood up from her rocking chair on the porch and pumped a fist in the air. “Let us burn all ze shit! Boom!” She yelled before slamming a shot of what I could only assume was vodka and immediately breaking into a coughing fit. The crowd roared to life as if someone had just announced dollar beer night at the Gator Gap.

  Double fuck.

  To be fair, Babs was kind of the life of the bayou.

  Addie turned to me with eyes wide as saucers. “Is that…?”

  “The one and only,” I confirmed.

  I’d never considered myself the responsible one, but our dear cousin on our mother’s side twice removed was like a toddler on crack. When we were kids we’d nicknamed him Bam-Bam the Destroyer because he couldn’t go five minutes without breaking something. He’d never been a small person, but it looked like someone had fed him Miracle Grow during the time we’d been away. He stood well over six foot and had to be pushing nearly three hundred pounds of solid muscle. The man looked like he could tear down a house with his bare hands and knowing him, he probably had.

  Bam-Bam stumbled towards us with a goofy smile on his face which revealed a gap where his left canine should’ve been. “Who’s ready for a bonfire?”

  Another cheer from the crowd welcomed him, and all I could do was shake my head, and laugh. “Bam-Bam, no!”

  No sooner had the words left my mouth than the behemoth of a man bent at the waist and scooped both of us out of our chairs and straight over his shoulders. Addie shrieked as soon as she was airborne and I couldn’t help but laugh at the terrified look on her face.

  I grinned at Addie. “Better hold on tight big sis, the bayou is about to welcome us back in a big way.”

  I watched the lightning bugs dance above the water of the swamp, the heavy night air cooling the sweat on the back of my neck. Even late January in the swamp was humid, and the gator shaped thermometer hanging from the porch awning still read 70 degrees well after midnight. I may not have missed the sweltering weather when I was away at college, but you were hard pressed to find a better view than the one you got looking out from Pappy and Babs front porch.

  “I believe I just may be drunk,” Addie announced, breaking into my silent reverie and plopping down on the wood planks beside me.

  “What do you mean you believe?” I asked. “Isn’t it your job to throw parties in your big ‘ol house on the hill?”

  “It isn’t proper for a lady to drink in excess.” My sister let out a bitter laugh, and I watched out of the corner of my eye as the tension in her shoulders returned.

  I wanted to grill her and demand that she tell me just what in the actual fuck was going on, but that wasn’t Adelaide’s way. If I came at her full force her walls would fly up faster than Josephine Lafayette’s skirt on prom night.

  “When I go, I want my wake to be just like tonight,” I said absently as I dug around in my small beaded clutch.

  “Are you serious? If the sheriff wasn’t too busy doing keg stands, he would’ve shut it down. There had to be no less than twelve laws broken tonight.”

  “Yeah, but ain’t nobody going to forget it anytime soon. Admit it, you had fun,” I prompted, finally finding what I was looking for and meeting her gaze.

  “I suppose I did. It’s been a long time since I’ve laughed that much,” she said with a sigh. “Oh, my God! Savvy, is that a joint?” she whisper-yelled the last word and looked over her shoulder as if the sheriff was going to pop out of the bushes and arrest us. As if…Sheriff Tucker was probably sleeping it off in the back of his squad car.

  “Relax, Addie. It’s not crack, it’s a plant,” I said lighting the end and taking a puff.

  “So is opium!”

  “Here,” I said offering it to her. “You could stand to take it down a few notches.”

  “Get that thing away from me,” she said swatting at my hand as if I held a grenade rather than a tiny joint.

  “Why you always poop the party, Adelaide?” Babs’ crackly voice broke through our bickering as she shuffled out of the house, letting the screen door slam behind her.

  “Babs!” Addie squeaked, eyes going shifty.

  “You worry too much,” Babs scolded, collapsing into her rocking chair.

  “I’ve been telling her that for years,” I agreed.

  Addie’s eyes looked like they were going to pop out of her damn head when I took another drag, and I couldn’t help the giggle that escaped my lips.

  Babs snapped her fingers at me. “You camping? Puff, puff, pass!”

  My giggle turned into a full belly laugh as I passed it off. “Yes, ma’am.”

  Addie’s head thumped against the shingles of the house. “Just when I thought this day couldn’t get any more bizarre.”

  “Crazy days are best days. You never know when you end up naked and swimming with gator,” Babs said, offering the joint to Addie. “Come, take dis. Get rid of bitch face.”

  Addie stared at the burning end with caution for a moment. “Fuck it,” she said pinching it between two fingers and taking a drag. Five seconds later, she was doubled over hacking like a two pack a day smoker.

  Reaching out I patted her back. “Jesus, Addie, you okay?”

  “Water,” she rasped.

  My legs felt like Jell-O from the combination of alcohol and herbal supplements, so I handed over the only thing to drink within reach. Addie took a huge gulp of the clear liquid and immediately spat it out in a spray.

  “Are you trying to kill me?” she screeched.

  She looked ridiculous with vodka dribbling down her chin and soaking the front of her dress. I shrugged and dissolved into giggles once more, this time with Addie and Babs joining in. A strange silence fell over us as our laughter subsided.

  “Both of you have sad eyes. Why?” Babs demanded.

  I lifted one shoulder, “It was a sad day.”

  “Cow shit! Happy day. Pappy is with angels now. We have big party to celebrate life, and my girls are home. Good day, not sad.”

  “I guess it really was a pretty good day, all things considered,” I said, turning to Addie. Her return smile was thin and didn’t quite meet her eyes. Babs was right, she had sad eyes.

  Addie took another swig of the vodka, wincing at the burn. “I didn’t realize how much I missed this place.”

  “Me either,” I agreed. “There isn’t anything like it.”

  Babs scoffed, “Then why no visit your old grandma?”

  Addie and I exchanged guilty looks.

  “Babs, we’re sorry. You know how it is, life gets busy…” Addie trailed off, her voice no longer holding its easy confidence.

  Babs waived a gnarled arthritic finger at her. “The cock sipper get in the way!”

  “Cock sucker, Babs,” I corrected. Her unique brand of garbled swearing was something we’d grown up with. It never got any better, in fact the older she got the more ridiculous her insults became. It wouldn’t surprise me if she’d reached a certain age where she didn’t give a shit and was just seeing how far she could push it until someone cracked.

  Addie sighed and tilted her head up to the sky. “God, he really is a dick, isn’t he?”

  Babs and I locked eyes, she’d always been quick to defend Roland, never once had either of us heard her speak ill of him.

  “Yes, he is. So, are you finally going to tell us what’s going on?”

  Babs pulled out her pocket knife and a piece of wood from the basket beside her rocking chair and began to silently whittle. It wasn’t all that strange for her to check out of a conversation, but not something this big. For years, Babs had been spitting on the ground in front of Roland.

/>   "He's been seeing someone," Addie said softly.

  "He what?" I blurted, my voice louder than I'd wanted it to be in the quiet night.

  "Father fucker," Babs muttered but didn't look up from her whittling.

  I didn't bother correcting her this time. "Are you serious? What happened?"

  "Yep, he told me just before I left to come here. Told me not to bother coming back because he'd met someone that’d give him what I couldn't, and he wanted a divorce." She let out a humorless laugh. "Just like that, ten years of my life down the drain. He wouldn't even let me take my stuff. I left with what was already packed in the suitcase and my car."

  "He can't do that!" I raged.

  "Oh, but he can. I signed a pre-nup. So now I'm husbandless, jobless, and homeless. I've got no money and no place to go."

  "No! You have home here with family, always," Babs scolded, finally looking up from her work.

  "Thank you, Babs, but I need to figure out what in the hell I’m gonna do. I have a degree, but I've never used it."

  "Technically, after today you and I own half a company."

  "Just another mess to clean up."

  "Better gator teeth in your hand than a live one up your ass," Babs mumbled continuing to work on her carving. Now that I looked, it was starting to resemble a man. I shuddered to imagine what kind of mix between old country superstition and bayou voodoo she was cooking up.

  Best to ignore it.

  "It doesn't have to be. This could be our fresh start. So our lives didn't turn out all sunshine and roses…big fucking deal. So we had a bad first quarter, that doesn't mean the game is over. We just gotta regroup and change tactics. Dubois' don't give up, we push back. It's high time you stop letting that ass-wipe dictate your life. Come on Ads, what do ya say?"

  I saw a glimmer of the old Addie in her eyes as she stared at me, stoned off her ass. "You know what? You're right. Fuck him. He doesn't own me, and I don't need him to live a full and successful life.”