Always & Forever

by Crossley, Lauren

  I can see that he’s in agony; he’s struggling to make me see things from his point of view. I’m trying, I really am but all I keep thinking about is how can he be so flippant about something so meaningful.

  “How am I supposed to know that I won’t just be another notch on your bedpost?”

  “Because I’m standing here and I’m begging you to forgive a past that I can’t change. It’s like you’re asking me to erase the things that have happened before I met you and as much as I would like to, it’s impossible. Bethany, I swear to you that if we were to sleep together it would be amazing, it would be incredible because I’d be with someone I love and I’ve never had that before.”

  He looks exhausted and broken, his eyes are glazed over with unshed tears and my throat is so sore from all of the yelling. I wish I could stop this but I can’t, I refuse to admit defeat. I need to know how many women he’s had sex with. I have to know.

  “How do you expect me to believe anything you say? You’re not even being honest with me right now and I’m not even sure whether I believe you’re story about being called into work tonight either. I feel as though you’re keeping something from me and now you won’t even tell me how many people you’ve had sex with!”

  “I was telling you the truth about tonight, I did have to go into the bar before I came here and I really don’t know the exact number of everyone I’ve… God, I don’t know… maybe seven or eight girls a year since my first time. I don’t know for definite, it’s just an estimation.”

  “Do you know how many people that is? If you’re telling me the truth then that means you’ve slept with roughly seventy people!”

  “I’m so sorry, baby. If I would have known then that there was going to be a you then I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near them. If I had known that I was capable of experiencing something like this then I wouldn’t have slept with anybody, I would have waited for you. All I can do now is apologise, I hope that you can see past all of my mistakes and recognise the person that I am underneath, the person that I am when I’m with you. Please tell me that you still want to be with me, Bethany. I’m begging you.”

  He tries to touch me but I flinch away from him, needing some time to process everything.

  “Don’t touch me.”

  I speak softly but Jake staggers backwards, as though my words have physically wounded him. I never thought that I had the power to hurt somebody like this but that’s what I see when I look at Jake.

  Deciding that I need some space and that I need to be far away from Jake right now, I turn and walk in the opposite direction. I know exactly where I’m heading, I have to go home. I need time to process this and I hope he can respect that.

  I’ve only taken a few steps before Jake catches up with me.

  “Bethany, you can’t do this! Don’t walk away from me, I’m trying to explain. Not one of those girls is worth any of this, what I felt for them doesn’t even begin to compare to how I feel for you. You are the only girl I’ve ever chased after, you are the girl who’s ever made me feel jealous and you’re the only girl I want to be with. I want there to be an us, Bethany. That’s how serious I am about you!”

  I almost give in when I hear the unbelievable despair in his voice but I also realise that I need to be by myself. I’m being irrational and to gain some perspective I have to be alone.

  “Jake, leave me alone. I just need some time right now, ok?”

  “Baby, I’m so sorry. Let me make this right” He’s pleading with me to forgive him and deliberately blocks my path by standing right in front of me.

  “Just let me leave! I need some time to think about all of this!”

  “What is there to think about? I’m begging you, don’t leave like this. I can understand that you’re angry but I need you to tell me that I haven’t ruined this.”

  The despair in his voice tugs at my heart strings, the pained expression on his face is tortured and I look away, unable to witness his pain for a moment longer.

  “I don’t know if you’ve ruined this, that’s what I need to think about. I’m not going to risk my heart and my sanity by sleeping with you for it to then mean nothing. I really don’t want to add myself to your long lists of conquests.”

  “But it wouldn’t be that way! You’re all I can think about and I’ve never felt this way for anyone before. I can’t change my past Bethany. I wish to God I could but if you only knew how badly I want you, how desperately I need you. Please don’t give up on us before we’ve even started.”

  I do realise that what Jake did before he met me should be of little consequence. It’s what he chooses to do with his future that should be important to me but I just know that I’ll be picturing him with someone every time I close my eyes. My mind is already forming images of Jake with so many different women and every single one of them is far more beautiful and experienced than I am.

  “Just leave me alone! I need time to think!”

  “I can’t! Don’t you understand that? I can’t leave you alone, not now and not ever!”

  We stand still and stare at one another. It’s almost as if there are no more words to say, so much has been said already. The damage has already been done.

  It’s only when the rain starts that we break eye contact from one another. Relentless, determined raindrops begin to fall down on us but we remain frozen. The rain soon turns into a downpour; rivulets of water cascade down Jake’s face, turning his hair an even darker shade. The beauty of him is so extraordinary; I have to force myself to look away. If I’m forced to witness his perfection for a moment longer I know I’ll crumble.

  “I don’t care, Jake, I just want to leave!” My voice sounds so cold, completely devoid of any emotion. I know my detachment is cruel; maybe I’m punishing Jake for things that aren’t even his fault. I have no power at home; I’m not allowed any opinions and I have no voice. I suppose that projecting all of my resentment onto Jake is my way of freeing myself from all of the hurt and the anger that I’ve been carrying for so long. It’s wrong but I just can’t seem to help myself.

  “I can’t let you leave.” He says resolutely.

  I sigh in exasperation. I can’t outrun him or even get by him until he moves aside. I’m not even sure what time it is, when we left gran’s it was a little after nine o’clock but I’ve no idea how long we’ve been arguing for. It could have been an hour or it might have been ten minutes.

  The fact is, if I’m not back home soon then it could easily be the end of everything going on between us. My father’s always home late on a Friday but tonight could be the exception. He actually came home early a few weeks ago, the week before I first met Jake. If that happens tonight and I’m caught sneaking in the house then I will never see Jake again. I’m furious with him and I want to be alone but I don’t want this to be the end of us, I really don’t. If I want to see Jake again then I need to convince him to let me to leave. I need to leave right now.

  I try to get past him but he’s too quick for me, moving to the side and preventing my escape. He grabs hold of my arm, forcing my body to collide with his.

  “Jake, let go of me. I need to get home!”

  “No, this is fucking crazy. You can’t leave like this, I won’t let you!”

  “Jake, my father could be home any minute, I need to get home before he does. We can talk about this later.”

  “Fuck him! You’re not leaving until we solve things, until we fix this.”

  The torrential rain almost drowns out our voices, forcing us to yell so we can be heard over the impending thunder storm.

  “Jake, I really have to go! You’re going to ruin everything. You don’t even need me, I’m sure you have plenty of girls waiting in line to see to your every desire. Why don’t you call one of them? You must have an entire phonebook full of whores.”

  The shock and disbelief on Jake’s face is indescribable. He looks at me as though I’m a stranger and I realise that I’ve taken this too far.

  Embarrassed and m
ortified by my behaviour, I take the opportunity to dart around Jake and run. It takes him a few seconds to come to his senses but as soon as he realises what’s happening he tears after me.

  As soon as I hear his heavy footsteps behind me, a surge of adrenaline courses through me and I increase my speed. Under any other circumstances Jake would easily be able to catch up with me but I’m determined to get as far away from him as possible. The heavy rain obstructs my pace and I almost slip on two occasions. I block out the sound of Jake pleading with me to slow down, begging me to come back. I have to do this, I need to get home. If I stay and talk with Jake… we’ll be here all night and I can’t risk being late home.

  Eventually Jake’s voice fades into the distance and I slow down, knowing that he won’t find me now. I force back the sob that’s desperately trying to escape me as I contemplate everything that’s just happened and all the things I said. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to erase the pain I saw in Jake’s eyes, pain that I caused him to feel.

  I’m still out of breath by the time I reach my house. My clothes are soaking wet and so is my hair from the thunderstorm outside and even the palms of my hands are all muddy from where I fell when I slipped.

  “Bethany, where on earth have you been? You’ve been out for hours!”

  I haven’t even managed to close the front door before mum bursts into the hallway with a terrified expression on her face. At least I know my father isn’t home yet, she wouldn’t announce my arrival like this if he was.

  “Sorry, Mum.” I mumble pathetically.

  “My God! What’s happened to you?” She turns me to face her, taking in my dishevelled appearance and the dirt on my hands and knees.

  “Nothing, don’t look so worried. I realised how late it was when I was leaving gran’s house and ran all the way home. I fell over because of the rain and got a little muddy.”

  “We need to get your clothes washed. If your father sees them he’ll know you’ve been out. Give them to me before he arrives home.”

  I race up the stairs and quickly turn on the shower, tearing my wet clothes off and chucking them out of the bathroom for mum to stick in the washer. If he comes home now and sees me in this state then we’re both done for.

  I turn on the shower and switch it to the highest temperature. I’ve only been stood under the water for ten seconds when I hear the sound of the front door closing downstairs. He’s home. I made it home with only a couple of minutes to spare. Thank God I didn’t decide to stay a bit longer with Jake and talk.

  I stay under the shower for a very long time, trying to process everything that happened tonight. At first my mind refuses to stop with its racing thoughts but eventually the soothing water starts to bring some comfort as it silently cascades down my body.

  I toss and I turn for what seems like hours, unable to sleep and furious with myself for treating Jake so badly. I’ve been fighting against my tears all evening but finally give in when I remember his face when I left him and how heartbroken he looked. I silently sob into my pillow for several minutes before I decide that this makes me even more pathetic. I will myself to stop crying but it’s like my emotions don’t want to know, they just keep on flowing.

  I can’t believe I ran away from him like that. I’ve just ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me and there’s nothing I can do about it. I still haven’t charged my phone because I’m so terrified of what I’ll find when I switch it on. I can’t even begin to imagine what Jake must think of me, I wouldn’t blame him if he told me he never wants to see me again and that’s why I’m so afraid to recharge the battery on my phone. I can’t bring myself to read any of the messages that Jake is bound to have sent me, informing me that our relationship is over for good.

  Now that I’ve managed to calm down I realise that I completely overreacted to what Jake told me. I was shocked, disgusted and extremely jealous because I never expected Jake to have so much experience. Of course I knew he wasn’t a virgin but to know that he lost his virginity when he was just thirteen years old sickens me. I could kill the girl who did that to him, he was a child and as much as Jake tells me that it was consensual it still infuriates me that she would take advantage of him and sexualise him when he was so young.

  I can’t help but wonder what Jake is doing right now. Is he thinking about me? Is he congratulating himself on his lucky escape? I stay awake for hours, fighting with myself over checking my phone or not. The cowardly part of myself wins out in the end, I’m not strong enough to face a future without Jake and that’s what I’ll be faced with if I turn on my phone to see a message from Jake saying that he never wants me to contact him again.

  I need to forget about him. I want to forget about his eyes, his voice, his touch, his laugh and especially his smile. I want to pretend like he didn’t matter, I want to pretend that he meant nothing to me. I can’t allow myself to acknowledge the fact that my life started when I met him just a few weeks ago.

  I silently soak my pillow with my salty tears. I grow more and more frustrated by my insomnia, especially when all I want to do is scream, yell, shout and kick things. I have so much anger inside of me and it’s driving me insane. Every time I close my eyes all I see is Jake. I hear him pleading with me to understand and to let him explain things to me, making me ache even more for his touch.

  I suppose it was inevitable. I was going to dream about him as soon as I fell asleep. In my dream I was the one who was chasing after Jake, begging him to listen to me and pleading with him for forgiveness. His eyes were cold cruel as he looked me up and down as if I meant nothing to him. He then walked away from me and I watched him go, he was joined by the silhouette of girl who he kissed passionately. They turned their backs on me and left me alone, I fell to the ground and continued to call his name. I finally realised just what I had lost.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Jake

  I can’t believe I’ve ruined this. The one good thing I’ve ever had in my entire life and I’ve blown it. I knew I’d fuck things up and now it’s actually happened. I was living on borrowed time, I knew that sooner or later she would realise what a waste of space I am and leave me. I guess I was just hoping she wouldn’t leave me so soon. I wanted some more time with her, I needed more time with the only girl who’s ever made me feel alive. The only girl who was capable of making me feel… something.

  I never wanted to blurt out the truth about my past like that but when she asked me outright I didn’t want to lie to her. She deserved the truth and I suppose a part of me was hoping that she might be ok with it. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

  I’m not proud of the things I’ve done. There are so many things I now regret but there’s nothing I can do to change any of it and that’s what I was trying to explain to Bethany tonight. I tried so damn hard to make her realise that none of the girls I’ve been with even begin to compare to her. She’s the only girl I’ve ever truly cared about and now I’ve lost her. I inhale sharply; the sudden realisation of this hurts. It really fucking hurts and there’s nothing I can do to numb the pain. I can’t even begin to imagine my life without her anymore, it’s only been a few weeks but I mean it when I say that she’s now the most important person in my life. The person I care about the most in this world has just left me. She ran away from me in the opposite fucking direction and didn’t even look back.

  I can’t even bring myself to think about her unenthused reaction when I told her that I love her. It was like she hadn’t heard me or she didn’t even care. I think that’s what hurt me the most, it felt like a knife had just split open my heart and when I think about the lack of emotion I saw in her eyes I experience the excruciating pain all over again.

  I close my eyes and focus on my breathing, trying to regain some control over my relentless, intrusive thoughts. I can’t think about her reaction right now, what I need to focus on is how I’m going to make this right and how I’m going to find her. Of course this would be so much easier if I knew where she lives
. She ran off so fast I didn’t even see which way she went. I called her name for what felt like hours before I finally had to admit defeat and make my own way home.

  God, I hope she’s ok. I’ve tried calling her so many times since she disappeared but every single time her phone goes straight to voicemail. I don’t know whether she hasn’t got around to charging it yet or if she’s deliberately ignoring me.

  The thunderstorm seems to be passing, the rain has slowed down but I’m still soaked from the downpour we got caught in earlier. It was stupid and unfair of me to try and stop Bethany from leaving when all she wanted was to get away from me and make it home on time. I convinced myself that I had to make her understand; I couldn’t let her go until she had heard me out and listened to what I had to say.

  I suppose I should have been able to predict that tonight would be a disaster because of the way it started. This morning I thought everything was good, I was really excited about seeing her tonight. I meant it when I told her that she’s all I ever think about, even my sleeping hours are now consumed by thoughts of her. I was particularly looking forward to tonight because I really wanted to talk with her and make sure she was ok. She’s been so distant this past week, barely answering my texts and I managed to convince myself that she was avoiding something, or avoiding me. I had this terrible feeling that something might be wrong and I wanted to persuade her to open up to me. I needed her to know that she could talk to me and that she could tell me anything.