Always & Forever

by Crossley, Lauren

  It was only the thought of Bethany who was trembling behind me that made me change my mind. I needed him to leave because I wanted some time alone with my girl, I was aching to comfort her but I wasn’t prepared to lower my defences whilst he was still around.

  It took some persuading on her part but I eventually started to believe her when she kept on insisting that there was nothing going on between them. I believed her when she told me that her feelings for Callum were purely platonic but I still wasn’t so sure about him. To know that he had tried to make contact with her over the years was enough to convince me that he still wanted more from their relationship than what he said he did.

  My main concern soon switched to her. All week I had been struggling with that God awful feeling that something terrible had happened to her and I was determined to find out the truth. I still had my doubts, even when she told me everything was fine. I studied her closely, searching for any sign of her hiding something. It was like her mouth was telling me one thing but her eyes said something different. I pulled her closer towards me; I needed to feel her body against mine. Her presence alone is the one thing that can calm me down and quieten the racing thoughts inside my head. All of the jealousy, the rage, the frustration and anger were silenced as soon as I held her in my arms. It would have been so easy to admit defeat; to give into my urges and desires. The last few weeks have been absolute torture for me. I want her so badly; I want to drive myself into her so hard and so fast that she begs me for more every damn day of the week. It took a lot of my restraint earlier to stop things when we did, fuck the fact that someone was watching, I didn’t care. All I wanted was her. I want her wet, frantic, desperate and aroused, pleading with me to be inside of her.

  The compulsion that I feel to put my mark on her is indescribable. I remember gently stroking her hair and watching her reaction with fascination. I wondered how she would react if I pulled on it a little harder. Would she like it? Would she fight back? The thought of that really did turn me on. Rough sex with Bethany is my ultimate fantasy. God, the things I could show her, the things I would do to her… just the idea of it makes me hard. That’s why I decided to be completely honest with her; I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I needed to hear her admit the truth, I needed to hear her say that she belongs to me and that she really is mine. The only thing I care about in this world is Bethany, the fact that before tonight we weren’t officially together has been the biggest mind fuck for me.

  I no longer cared about her reaction. I knew I must have looked fierce as I continued to glare at her like a madman. My only excuse for it is my own frantic despair. I can’t describe how badly I needed to hear her admit that she was mine. I wanted to stop all of the pretence and just make us official. I have never, ever wanted to be exclusive with someone in my entire life so the fact that I was practically begging Bethany to be my girlfriend did leave me feeling a little desperate.

  I can’t even begin to explain the joy that I felt when she agreed. It was like all of the anger, all of the rage and the unbearable tension I had been carrying was magically lifted from my shoulders. Bethany was mine, she had made a commitment to me and for the first time in my existence I knew what it was like to be blissfully happy. I know that I lied to her earlier about the reason I was so late and there’s still my past with Sarah that needs to be talked about but I really need Bethany to trust me before I reveal anything to her. I can’t risk my relationship with her… not for anything.

  As soon as Bethany told me that we would be visiting her gran, I became increasingly nervous. I’d only just confessed my undying love for the girl and three seconds later I was meeting the most important member of her family. For a screw up like me, it was an incredibly daunting moment. However, the sweet old lady made me feel so comfortable and at ease, my anxiety soon disappeared. I instantly realised why Bethany thought so highly of her and everything seemed to be going well… until Bethany left us alone and went into the kitchen, the second the living room door closed things took a turn for the worse.

  “Jake, it really is so lovely to meet you.” She had said kindly.

  “Thank you, that means a lot because I know how highly Bethany thinks of you. It really is an honour that she brought me here to meet you.” I replied, meaning every single word.

  “I’ve never seen her so happy and I know you are the reason for that, Jake.” She told me sincerely.

  “Wow, that’s an incredible thing to say and I’m thrilled to be the reason that she’s smiling.” I really was ecstatic; to know that I had been having such a profound affect on my baby girl was incredible.

  “The thing is… I’d like to talk to you about Bethany’s father.”

  I frowned, surprised that she wanted to discuss him. Bethany has always made it quite clear that her gran dislikes her father just as much as she does.

  “Oh?” I prompted her, glancing at the door leading through to the kitchen. I had a feeling that Bethany was not supposed to walk in on this conversation.

  “I’m sure that Beth has told you some things about him already but I’d just like to take this moment and fill you in on a few things.”

  “Ok…” I said uncertainly.

  “I’m not going to sugar-coat it, Jake. I’m going to be honest with you because I genuinely believe you have my granddaughter’s best interests at heart. Her father is a monster. He’s an evil man and I wish my daughter had never even met him; he’s a controlling manipulator and a bully. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so thankful for Bethany, she has blessed my life and I can already see that she’s going to bless yours as well. I’ve worried about her safety for so many years, even more so than my own daughter. You see, the difference is that Arthur has always dismissed my daughter. He sees her as irrelevant and stupid but he thinks the world of Bethany, he believes that she is special and of course that’s true but he thinks that she’s like him. You and I know different but Bethany is clever and everything she has done has been to survive. Over the years she had simply mastered the art of deception.” She paused and looked over at me anxiously.

  I was trying to absorb all of the information she was telling me. The blood in my veins had already started to pump ferociously fast around my body, making my vision blur and my heart start to race. My fists clenched of their own accord.

  “Tell me.” I urged her. My voice was dangerously low and I could only hope that she knew my rage was not intended for her.

  “One time Bethany cut the hair of one of her dolls. She was only six years old and she was mischievous at that age. Of course her father found out about it and to punish her he cut off her own beautiful hair. Can you imagine what kind of monstrous person would do such a thing to his own child? For weeks Bethany refused to tell me the truth, she was forced to lie and say she had done it herself but I eventually managed to get the truth out of her. She told me he had pinned her down and used the kitchen scissors to chop off her hair. I’m sure this hasn’t been the only incident; there must have been other occurrences over the years that I still don’t know about. She tries to protect me from the truth but I know him and I know what he’s capable of.”

  She stopped speaking and I couldn’t help myself, I jumped up and started pacing back and forth, almost wearing a great big hold in her living room floor. In that moment my fury knew no limits and I swear I have never felt more murderous in my entire life. I was certain that if I ever saw Bethany’s father I would squeeze the life out of him. I actually wanted to kill him. The need I felt for vengeance was so strong that it even scared me. It seemed as though the more my feelings for Bethany developed so did my compulsion to protect her. In a perfect world this would be manageable but in my world it was making my life impossible. My hunger for revenge and justice could only be maintained and controlled for so long. I know that my thirst for retribution would eventually become too much to bear and I would be forced to act on it.

  “I need to calm down before she sees.”

  “That’s right, you do.” She insis
ted.

  “How am I expected to calm down after what you just told me?” I snapped.

  “You have to, for Bethany’s sake.” She replied calmly.

  I forced myself to sit down and focus on my breathing. I needed to hear the rest, even if it killed me.

  “Go on.” I told her through gritted teeth. My jaw was clenched so tight; it felt like it might snap.

  “I won’t be around forever and over the last few years I’ve been worrying myself sick about what will happen to Bethany. My daughter’s no match for her husband, she never has been. She can’t protect Bethany from him and I’m scared that one day Bethany’s strong spirit will die out. I know you two haven’t known each other for very long but I’ve seen the remarkable change that has taken place in granddaughter these last few weeks. I noticed the way you looked at her and I’ve just witnessed the anger that you felt when you heard what her father did to her. You love her, don’t you?” She looked at me intently and I nodded my head in acknowledgement.

  “Yes.”

  “Over the last couple of years things have been easier for her because she’s somehow managed to fool him into believing that she’s like him. He’s obsessed with the thought of controlling her; he’s a dictator and is consumed by the idea of ruling people. Bethany’s strong but she will be so much stronger with you by her side. I’m asking you to keep her safe. Please take care of my granddaughter, Jake. Will you promise me that you’ll protect her?” She implored me.

  “Of course I will. I promise you, he’ll never hurt her again.”

  She closed her eyes and I noticed the immense relief on her face. I realised that was the reason she was so insistent that Bethany should introduce us. She wanted to see if I was for real, she wanted to ask me to protect her granddaughter. The burden of Bethany’s safety was too much for her to carry alone.

  The door suddenly opened and Bethany walked in, oblivious to the conversation we had just been having. I tried so hard to keep my anger under control. I avoided her gaze for the rest of the night because I knew if she looked into my eyes she would see the intense rage behind them. I focusing on her gran’s patterned carpet instead, remaining silent until I knew that my fury was under control. We all made small talk for the remainder of the visit but inside I was going crazy. I promised myself that the son of a bitch would pay. I swore to myself that he would not get away with what he had done.

  We left her gran’s house and that’s when I planned on telling her that she was coming home with me. How could I let her return home to be with that animal? I didn’t want him anywhere near her ever again. I’d sooner die than let him hurt her.

  I knew Bethany wouldn’t support my idea. She would have told me that it was far too soon for us to be living together and under any normal circumstances I’d probably agree with her but after what her gran told me… I needed her safe, I needed her with me. The rest I thought we could sort out later. All I needed was some more time with her, more time to convince that I had considered every single option and that her moving in with me was the one solution that provided me with some comfort. That’s why I wanted to walk her home; I was desperate and thought that delaying our departure would somehow provide me with enough time to convince her that it wasn’t safe for her to go home.

  She wasn’t having any of it of course. She’s unbelievably stubborn and turned me down flat, saying it was too risky for me to be seen near her house in case her son of a bitch father saw us together. I was quickly running out of options and was tempted to just haul her over my shoulder and take away her decision.

  Everything changed when she asked me that question.

  “Who was your first, Jake?”

  I swear my heart just about stopped. I remember thinking that she couldn’t do this to me; she couldn’t ask me that question. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t prepared to answer any of her questions and I certainly wasn’t about to explain everything to her about my past. She would hate me, she’d be disgusted and she would leave. I’d be completely broken if that happened and that’s why I did everything in my power to make sure that it didn’t.

  I tried telling her that none of it mattered, I told her that she’s the only girl I’ve ever truly cared about. I told her that the other girls didn’t mean anything to me but no matter what I said she refused to listen. She refused to understand and it was absolute torture. It felt like my heart had been ripped out of my body, she may as well have trampled all over it right in front of me, it might have hurt less.

  I tried everything. I’ve never felt so close to despair in my entire life and every minute that I spent trying to explain, I could feel her slipping further away. She tried to leave but I couldn’t let her, a part of me truly believed that if I let her walk away she wouldn’t come back. I convinced myself that if I let her go she wouldn’t return to me and the reality of that would be a fate worse than death.

  The torrential rain just seemed to make everything worse, the downpour saturated us in a matter of seconds and despite all of my agony and suffering, I couldn’t help but notice how sexy she looked all wet and trembling. God, it took so much of my restraint to remain still, my hands were curled into tight fists as I tried to control my urges and desire for her. I wanted to fuck her so badly. I know it sounds crude and outrageous but that’s exactly what I was thinking. I licked my lips, imagining her taste on my tongue. I still wonder if she will taste as sweet as I imagine, will she scream my name or will she moan softly? Will her nails leave a trail of ecstasy down my back or will she ride me with her head thrown back in exuberant confidence? All of these thoughts were swirling around inside my head and I could do nothing to quieten them. She was everywhere, inside my mind, my heart, my body and my soul.

  I was bordering on the edge of insanity when she ran from me. I searched for so long and screamed her name until my throat was raw. Eventually, I had to admit defeat and accept the fact that I had lost her. Never in a million years did I think she could outrun me but I guess her desperation heightened her adrenaline and that’s how she managed to escape me.

  I shake my head in frustration; none of this is going to help. What I need to focus on now is finding her, once I find her I’ll figure out a way of making her listen. She’ll have to hear me out; she owes me that at least.

  I’m almost home now but the pain in my chest is still crucifying, the agony from our last conversation certainly won’t weaken anytime soon. If she’s really made up her mind to end things between us I honestly don’t know how I’m going to survive. I’ll never be able to let her go; I won’t ever be capable of walking away. I can’t leave her with that bastard knowing that he could hurt at anytime. Even if she wants nothing more to do with me, I still need to know that she’s safe. Her gran asked me to take care of her and that’s exactly what I intend to do.

  I turn onto my street and spot my house at the end of the road. There’s no music blaring and no crowds of people outside. I’m so grateful for the peace and quiet; I breathe a huge sigh of relief, releasing a load of tension I was carrying from my shoulders. I plan on slipping into my house quietly, hoping no one will hear me let myself in. Of course that doesn’t happen; my mum intercepts me as soon as I close the front door

  “Well, well, well… look who’s here! You finally decided to grace us with your presence, what have we done to deserve such a privilege?” She sneers at me contemptuously and I immediately smell the drink on her breath.

  “I’ve not been sneaking off anywhere. I don’t need to tell you anything so if you don’t mind moving out of my way, I want to go to bed.” My patience is limited; I can’t be doing with this conversation right now. I’m too angry and frustrated; all I want is to be alone.

  “Look at the state of you, you’re soaking wet, you look terrible and you and still think you’re better than me.” Her cruel and heartless eyes travel down the length of my body, taking in my hellish appearance. My mum’s only thirty-nine years old but after years of drinking and smoking, she looks much older. She’s us
ually surrounded by a disgusting cloud of smoke but tonight the only thing I can smell on her is alcohol.

  I remember when Carla was little; she came home from school and told me that her homework project was to draw a picture of her family. She later showed me her drawing of mum and the memory of it still haunts me. The mum she had sketched in the picture had a cigarette in one hand a bottle of vodka in the other. It broke my heart because I knew Carla truly believed that this was normal, she didn’t know any different and it hurt me to see our mum through her daughter’s eyes. I even tried showing it to her, hoping it would trigger something inside of her and make her want to be a better role model for her children. Of course it didn’t. Mum will never change, she doesn’t know how and to be honest… I don’t think she even wants to try.

  “I don’t think I’m better than anybody, least of all you.” I lie, hoping to diffuse the argument she is itching to have.

  “If you want my advice you should try and sort things out with Sarah. She’s a nice girl and you could do a lot worse.”

  That’s another thing I hate about my mum, she adored Sarah. The two of them got along really well and even though I wasn’t to blame for the break up, I somehow ended up with the blame of it.

  “Yeah, she’s a real nice girl.” I say sarcastically.

  “Jake, she made one mistake. You need to try and forgive her; you were perfect for one another.” She pokes me in the chest with her index finger, pushing me against the front door.

  I can’t believe that she’s still trying to defend her. She has no fucking idea about how badly I suffered, how I had to live with Sarah’s betrayal every single day and how it nearly dragged me under. I could have drowned in my misery and there was one point where things got so dark, I didn’t feel like I had the strength to carry on.

  I remember the night I met Bethany for the first time. That day had been a bad one, I think it had taken me all day to drag myself out of bed and the pain I was coping with had become excruciating and unbearable. I didn’t think I could take much more and was running out of options. That evening my mum had asked me to go to the corner shop to get a few things and I remember moaning about it because I didn’t want to go. I suppose that’s one thing I should thank her for, if I hadn’t gone to the shop that night I never would have met Bethany. Don’t get me wrong, the pain of what happened is still with me, to be honest I don’t think it will ever leave but it’s now turned into a dull ache rather than the agony I was dealing with before. It’s manageable and the only person I have to thank for that is Bethany. She made me feel alive again, she gave me a purpose and without her I feel like all my hope is gone.