Always & Forever

by Crossley, Lauren

  “Thank God.” I mumble, chuckling to myself as I ease myself out of his hold.

  “So you’re on the pill?” Jake asks.

  There’s so much hope and optimist on his face, I can barely bring myself to tell him the truth.

  “Of course I’m not, Jake. Why would I be?”

  “I just thought… you seemed so relieved when you found out I was clean, I thought you must be on the pill because you don’t seem to be worried about…”

  “About?” I prompt him.

  As far as I’m concerned I have nothing else to worry about, Jake’s always used protection before so what’s the problem?

  Jake remains silent, he closes his eyes and rubs his forehead as though he’s in pain. Whatever he’s about to say, I’m not going to like it

  “Bethany, there’s still something we both need to be worrying about.”

  “What’s that?” I’m acting nonchalant but the uncontrollable dread that accompanies anxiety starts to infiltrate its way inside my body.

  “I don’t know how to say this. Baby, there’s a chance you could be pregnant.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  I stare at him in shock. Fear and trepidation seizing hold of my senses. Neither one of us says anything as we both let this horrifying information sink in. I’m fully aware of the colossal mistake we just made and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.

  “What did you just say?” I ask, shaking my head.

  I’m nowhere near ready to accept the reality of this situation and the evidence of this can be heard in my voice. I even sound afraid.

  “I’m sorry to frighten you like this but we need to face the fact that it’s a possibility. I can’t believe I’ve put you in this situation. I’m such a fucking idiot!” He shouts, clenching his fists and driving it straight into the pillow on the bed. I suppose anything’s better than the wall he punched earlier.

  “Jake, calm down.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m so, so, so unbelievably sorry. It really will be ok. No matter what happens, I’m here for you and I’m not going anywhere.”

  He walks over to me, tilting my chin up towards him and searches my eyes for any doubt or uncertainty I might have about him abandoning me.

  “Jake, I need to go home.” I whisper, breaking away from him and his penetrating gaze, the one that sees right through me.

  “Baby girl, we need to talk about this.” He urges me, lightly taking hold of my wrist.

  “Jake, I’ve already been gone such a long time. I need to get back before she really starts to worry about me.”

  The truth is I need to get away from him. I want to go home and I need to immerse myself in everything that’s familiar to me. I crave the comfort of a hot bath, my pyjamas and my single bed.

  “Why do you even need to go back, Bethany? Your father’s not there, it’s the perfect opportunity for you to leave home without having to face him.”

  “What about my mum? I can’t just leave her.”

  “Tell her the truth, tell her about me and that you’re leaving. I’ll go with you and we’ll make her understand. Tell her what he did to you or bring her with you, I don’t care what you decide but please don’t go back there, I’m begging you.”

  I close my eyes, not wanting to witness the pleading, desperate countenance on his face. The internal battle I’m struggling with is overpowering, my head and my heart are at war with one another and I have no idea who I should listen to.

  “You don’t know my father. If I leave home he’ll look for me and he won’t give up, he’ll search for me until he finds me. My mum will be the one who suffers, he’ll take his anger and frustration out on her and I refuse to let that happen.”

  “She’s not your responsibility, Bethany. There are people out there who can help her; there are people she can talk to. We can go to the police if we have to and get a restraining order. If I have to keep the both of you safe then I will.”

  He takes hold of my hands, interlacing our fingers. He’s so resolute and determined, I don’t doubt for one second that he means everything he’s says but how can I let him make such a sacrifice for me and my mum? It wouldn’t be fair and I’m not about to do that to him. I know my monster of a father. If he were to return home and find me gone then there’s nothing he wouldn’t do to find me, he would hunt me down and he wouldn’t stop until I was caught.

  “I’m sorry, Jake. It’s not going to happen. My place is at home with my mum, I have to protect her.”

  “And who’s going to protect you?” He demands furiously.

  “You will.” I answer simply.

  “And how am I going to do that, Bethany? When I’m not there to keep you safe from him how am I going to protect you?”

  Wow, he’s really mad. I guess it goes to show you can only push someone so far before they finally snap. I have to find a way of making him feel ok with all of this.

  “Because you now know the truth. You know where the bookstore is, you have my number and you know where gran lives. You’ve even got my address seeing as my gran saw fit to give it to you.”

  “And what’s to stop me from coming over to your house anytime I want and taking you home with me?” He says threateningly.

  “Because I hope that you love and care about me enough to respect my wishes, to understand what I’m saying and where I’m coming from. I hope that my opinion actually means something to you and I hope you realise that the safety of my mum matters to me just as much as mine does to you.”

  Jake sighs and closes his eyes, reluctantly admitting defeat. He doesn’t like it but at least it appears as though he’s willing to respect my wishes.

  “I’m not happy about, Bethany. I hate it so much but I know I can’t keep you against your will. I want you to be with me because it’s what you want, not because I’m forcing you. I need you to know that I’m only allowing you to go back home because I know he isn’t there. I don’t plan on you being there when he returns.”

  He narrows his eyes at me, revealing the true extent of his decidedness.

  “How can I agree to that?” I ask him.

  “It’s what’s happening; I’m not asking you to agree to it.” He growls stubbornly.

  “I do have a say in what happens to me, Jake.” I argue, determined to make him see reason.

  “I’m doing this for you, Bethany. I’m not risking your safety again, you managed to fool me once but it’s not happening a second time. I want you to promise me that if he comes home before next week you will call me. I won’t be responsible for my actions if he lays so much as one finger on you again. If you don’t want me to go to jail then you have to tell me when he gets back. I don’t care whether its day or night, you have to phone me. I don’t want any more secrets between us, do you understand? If he so much as scowls at you then I want to know about it.” He instructs me.

  His fury has really escalated. He’s red in the face and so enraged, the veins on his neck are protruding in anger.

  “I promise.” I say calmly, attempting to pacify him.

  “If one day goes by and I don’t hear from you then I’m coming straight for you, whether your father is there or not. I’ll kick your front door down if I have to.”

  As we’re leaving I wonder whether I should put gran’s spare door key back where it belongs or choose to keep it with me. In the end I decide to put it back where I found it. The risk of it being found at home is too great and I don’t know if my father will actually be away for a whole week, he might decide to come back early.

  After I’ve replaced the key, I make my way to the front of the house and find Jake waiting for me. I notice he’s staring at his phone intently, he’s completely absorbed with reading what’s on the screen and I can’t help but wonder what’s captured his full attention.

  “You’re awfully mysterious with that phone of yours.” I joke, sneaking up behind him.

  He startles, pocketing his phone before I get a chance to see it.

  “Bethany, I
want to talk to you about something before you go. It’s about what just happened between us, there is a morning after pill you could take. I’ve heard there are some unpleasant side effects but the sooner you take it the better, I think it has to be taken within seventy-two hours. If you take it within a certain time period then there’s less chance of getting pregnant.”

  “What sort of side effects?” I ask, not liking the sound of that at all.

  “It’s not dangerous, usually sickness, nausea or headaches.” He answers.

  “Where would I be able to get it?”

  “We could buy it from the pharmacy.”

  How the hell does he know all of this stuff? If he’s never had unprotected sex before then how does he know so much about the morning after pill? I can’t imagine its something most guys generally know about.

  “How come you know so much about this, Jake?” I enquire, dreading the thought of him going through this with another girl before me.

  “It’s not what you think. I have three sisters, they have friends and girls talk. I also just researched it on the internet, that’s what I was doing when you startled me.”

  There’s so much truth and sincerity in his voice, I almost feel guilty for doubting him.

  “I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have questioned you like that.”

  “Its fine, you have every right to know my past.” He assures me, tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear.

  “I’m really not concerned, Jake. I won’t be pregnant. It was just one time.”

  “It doesn’t really work like that, Bethany. Sometimes it only needs to be once.”

  He remains worried and anxious. Something’s really unsettled him, making me wonder if it’s something more than what we’re discussing.

  “Don’t worry, everything will be fine. I’m going to the hospital to visit gran tomorrow so I won’t have time to go to the chemists.

  “I don’t really like it; we really have to be careful from now on. It all depends on what time of the month it is. Could you get pregnant right now?” He asks me, his unease and apprehension still apparent.

  “Jake, I am not discussing my menstrual cycle with you.” I say firmly, unable to think of anything more embarrassing.

  “Ok, ok. I just can’t afford to lose control like that again around you. No matter how beautiful you are or how perfect you feel wrapped around me.”

  I press my body up against him, deliberately grazing my lower lip with my teeth.

  “Is that so?” I ask suggestively.

  “God, yes. When I remember how exquisite you look without any clothes on is making me want to do you all over again.” He says huskily, trailing the length of my jaw with his lips

  “So romantic.” I say sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

  “Let me show you how romantic I can be.” He lowers his lips towards mine, granting me one spectacular, memorable kiss.

  I can’t help but sigh with contentment. Right here with Jake is where I truly belong.

  I make my way home as fast as I can, certain that mum will be worried sick about me. I’ve been gone for hours and I can easily imagine her going out of her mind with anxiety. I’m also really curious. I’m dying to know if I look any different now that I’ve had sex. I haven’t had a chance to look at myself in the mirror yet and I really want to see if I can spot any differences in my appearance. I’m not expecting a huge neon sign announcing the removal of my virginity; I just want to see if I can tell something has changed. A life altering, monumental event took place this evening and it’s hard to believe that my reflection won’t reveal any signs of the transition that’s taken place.

  I plan on going straight on upstairs when I get home. I want to run myself a bath and I’m convinced that if I see my mum right now she’ll somehow be able to sense a dramatic change within me. I still feel so guilty when I’m around her. I hate all of the lying and I’m tired of all the secrets and lies. I don’t want to deceive her. It’s exhausting for me to keep up with all of the pretence.

  I shout a quick hello to mum before hurrying on up the stairs. I just can’t face her yet, I look way too suspicious and I really want some time to be alone. As soon as I’m in the bathroom, I hastily rid myself of all of my clothes. I take a look at myself in the mirror before me, scrutinising my body and expression for any signs of maturity or womanhood. It’s ridiculous but I do recognise a couple of subtle differences in my appearance. My cheeks are flushed, my hair is even more wild and untamed than usual and my green eyes have this indescribable sparkle to them which I’ve never noticed before. It’s as though I have this natural, jubilant glow about myself, a glow I never want to go away.

  The rest of the night is tranquil and pleasant. It’s the first time mum and I have had the house to ourselves and I make sure I appreciate every single moment we have alone together. The two of us are more relaxed with one another and less uneasy and tense. I find myself imagining what it would be like all the time if my father weren’t here. I’m sure my life would be so much happier. If you take away the darkness from your life then there’s nowhere for the monsters to hide.

  I go to sleep that night with a great big smile on my face. Knowing that I’ll be able to see gran tomorrow and that she’s really going to be alright makes me feel so much better than I did earlier. I really can’t remember a time I felt so content or at peace with myself and there’s one person I have to thank for all of that. Jake.

  The next morning I wake up early. I quickly shower and find myself gazing at my reflection again. Maybe no one else will be able to notice the change in me but I can certainly recognise a subtle change. It’s as though I’ve taken my first step towards freedom, when I look forward I can see a future. One that is bright and hopeful, one surrounded by Jake.

  I make my way downstairs and overhear mum on talking the phone. By the sound of her conversation she’s talking to the hospital and I pray its not bad news.

  “Is gran ok? She’s not any worse, is she?” I ask as soon as mum hangs up.

  “She’s fine, she’s feeling much better and we can go and visit her later on today. She’s got a few bruises from the fall and they still want to keep her in for a few more days to keep an eye on her.”

  “Thank God she’s going to be ok. I’m really anxious to see her.”

  I’m quite impatient to make our way to the hospital as soon as possible, especially since I didn’t get to see gran yesterday. I have this awful image of her in my head and I’m desperate to see her with my own eyes, I need to make sure she’s ok.

  Mum and I spend the rest of the morning at home, watching TV and relaxing. I can’t help but grin whenever I think of the six glorious days ahead of me without my father. I’m going to make sure I’ll appreciate every single moment.

  We end up getting the bus to the hospital; mum wouldn’t dare spend money on a taxi again now that it’s not an emergency. We’re halfway through our journey when mum nudges me, trying to get my attention.

  “Bethany, I asked you how your night with Amy went last night.” Mum asks, catching me off guard.

  “Oh, we had a good time. It’s nice being able to see her again.” I lie.

  I really hope she doesn’t start quizzing me right now. We’re nearly at the hospital and we only have a few more minutes to spend on the bus.

  “I don’t really remember you being that close with her. I know you were quite friendly with that boy named Callum, you met him at college, didn’t you?”

  I shift uncomfortably in my seat, not wanting to think about Callum for a second. The guilt I feel about not contacting him is excruciating, it tears me up inside to think about him waiting for my call. A call I’ll never make.

  “Yeah, I guess you could say that.” I mumble quietly, wanting to change the subject. I really hope Callum is ok and that he understands why I’ve had to come to this decision. I hope he realises how complicated a friendship with him would be right now and how strenuous that would be on my newfound relationship with Jake.
>
  “I remember you mentioning him a lot. It’s a shame you don’t see him anymore.” She says, completely unaware of the damage she’s inflicting by her words.

  I turn away from her and continue to gaze out of the window, willing myself to stop thinking about Callum and his phone number which still resides in my bedroom drawer…

  We soon arrive at the hospital and hastily make our way to the ward where gran is staying. I’m the first one through the door in my eagerness to see her. I spot her sitting up in bed with a great big smile on her face and I hurry over towards her, needing to see for myself that she’s really going to be alright.

  “There’s my girl.” She whispers in my ear when I hug her.

  I can hardly believe how frail she looks. She’s a pasty white and her eyes are missing her usual sparkle. For the first time in my life I’m aware of how old she really is. I suppose I’ve never really wanted to admit the truth, to think of gran not being here is too painful, it’s impossible to comprehend.

  My eyes fill with unshed tears when I think about anything happening to her. Every positive memory that I have includes her and she’s sacrificed so much for my happiness. Now that it’s finally in reach she has to be around to see it, she just has to.

  “I’ve been so worried about you, Gran. Thank goodness you’re alright. You are ok, aren’t you?” I ask, taking hold of her hand as I pull up a seat by her bed.

  “I’m absolutely fine. I can’t believe a tiny little fall has caused such a fuss. The kitchen floor was actually quite comfortable; I really should try it more often.” She chuckles, a playful smirk on her face.

  “It’s not funny.” I scold her, wiping away a stray tear.

  I can see through her charade. I know she’s putting on a brave face, trying to reassure me that she’s fine when anyone can see she’s in a lot of pain. I noticed her grimace when she laughed and I saw her clutching her ribs when she thought I couldn’t see.

  “Ellen, I’m sure the coffee isn’t up to much in here but why don’t you go and get a cup for you and Bethany from the machine outside?” Gran suggests, looking up at my mum who’s in the middle of pulling up a chair beside my own.