He turns to face me, anxiously awaiting my reaction to what he’s told me. A part of me is horrified that Jake is capable of such violence and another part can’t help but wonder if he was ever going to tell me about any of this. If it wasn’t for my altercation with Sarah I would still be oblivious.
“I really wish you had been the one to first tell me about all of this, Jake. I can’t believe I had to hear it from her.”
“I know and I am so, so sorry for that, baby. How can I make this better? I’ll do anything, Bethany. I need to make this right again. It’s killing me to see so much sadness in your eyes, especially when I know that I’m the one who’s put it there. I tried so hard to keep Sarah away from you and I certainly didn’t want you to find out about her the way that you did.” He says regretfully, hanging his head.
“What happened after you caught her?” I ask, wanting him to hurry up and tell me the rest. I think we both want to get this over with as quickly as possible.
“After I beat up the random guy she was fucking, she begged me to take her back and wanted me to give her a second chance. She wouldn’t leave me alone; she kept turning up at my house and playing the victim with my family. She even had the nerve to excuse her actions by blaming it on the grief of losing the baby. Christ, we were still together when I caught her with that guy and I was so sickened by what she had done, I refused to see her. I eventually threw myself back into work and tried to move on. Sarah eventually got the message and I didn’t see her after that for a long time. I was still trying to sort myself out; I had good days and bad. The bad days would knock me off my feet and I didn’t think it was possible to sink any lower. It was often hard for me to even get out of bed. About two months after she lost the baby, I forced myself to leave the house one night so I could go and collect some groceries. It was on the way back that I literally stumbled over this girl who was sitting all alone in the dark. I don’t know how but I just knew she was something special. Her eyes showed the same sadness that I was feeling and that’s when I decided I just had to see her again. Bethany, I can’t even begin to describe what meeting you means to me, it’s changed my entire life and I am hopelessly in love you. When I’m with you I become the guy I’ve always wanted to be. When I was with Sarah I wasn’t happy and I really wasn’t a good person. You make me better and you make me want to be worthy of you.”
I pause for a moment, trying to absorb everything Jake has told me. I want nothing more than to tell him it’s all going to be ok and that we can move past this but I just don’t know if it’s possible.
“Jake, you say all of the right things but your actions don’t match up with what you’re saying to me right now. Your relationship with Sarah happened before we even met and that’s why I don’t get why you didn’t just tell me about it. Do you still have feelings for her? Is that why you kept it from me?”
“God, no! I don’t care about her at all. It’s you that I want. Only you.” He gently grasps my shoulders, turning me to face him and brings his mouth dangerously close to mine. He’s seconds away from kissing me and if I don’t push him away that’s exactly what’s going to happen.”
“Don’t. You can’t just make this better by kissing me. When we first had sex you told me you had always taken precautions, you said you had never had unprotected sex before and you told me I was the first person you had done that with. I can’t believe you actually lied to me.” I whisper, overwhelmed by the level of his deception.
“Sweetheart, I am really fucking sorry, I shouldn’t have lied to you but when you asked me that question it wasn’t the right time to tell you about Sarah. I always insisted that we use a condom but during the last few weeks of our relationship I admit I was careless. She always told me she was on the pill and a few nights she made sure I got really, really drunk whilst she remained completely sober. I now see that it was all part of her plan to get pregnant. I planned on making an appointment to get myself checked when I caught her cheating on me but it was only when I met you that I actually went. I got the all clear and that’s why I knew it was safe to be with you. I would have never put you at risk like that if I hadn’t been certain. I’m so sorry I let her get to you tonight; I despise myself knowing she hurt you and I close enough to stop it if I had known. I never wanted you to meet her, Bethany. It’s not because I’m ashamed of you or because I wanted to keep things from you, it’s because you’re so much better than her. You’re beautiful, smart, gorgeous, sophisticated, amazing, intelligent, innocent and incredible. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.”
His hand strokes the side of my face and silence falls between us. I feel so lost and confused, its all so much to take in. The girl I met earlier tonight was a mess and all because of her love for Jake. What if I end up like her? I can’t think of anything worse than being like the distraught and tormented wreck I was faced with earlier. I would never do the things that Sarah did but it’s not too difficult for me to imagine myself becoming a victim of my addictive, obsessive love for him. I don’t want to be her; I already know I’d be a heartbroken, empty shell of a person without him. Is this amount of dependency on someone even healthy?
“I think I need some time to process things. Right now this is way too much for my mind to deal with.” I say, jumping to my feet.
“Where are you going? You can’t leave, Bethany. We have to sort things out; I don’t care how long it takes. I’ll stay up all night with you and we’ll figure things out. I’ll do whatever it takes to make this right.” He says decisively, standing up to join me.
I really wish that I could share Jake’s unwavering faith and certainty. He brushes my hair back from my face, his fingers tangle in the sticky remnants left over from Sarah’s drink and I move away from him, humiliated by my appearance and what she did to me.
“I need to go home, I’ve been out for hours and I need to sort myself out. I need to wash my hair and cleanse myself of everything that happened tonight. I can only imagine how ugly I am right now.”
“You’re beautiful.” He says softly, tracing the shape of my lips with his thumb.
“Jake, let me go.”
“Never.” He growls, dragging my body towards his.
“Just for a little while, I’m not saying forever.” I say calmly, taking his hand in my own and interlacing our fingers together.
“Bethany, don’t leave me. I can’t be without you.” He begs, running his lips down my neck, trying to entice me into staying.
“Just give me some time, I need some space. Trust me on this, Jake.”
I stand on my tiptoes, placing a soft kiss on his cheek. He tries to hold onto me but I somehow manage to break away from his grasp. Jake is close to being desolate and destroyed; he’s frozen and can’t seem to move, even when I start to walk away from him. I can hardly bring myself to walk away from him but I know I must. This isn’t the end to us; I decided a long time ago that there would be no end for me and Jake.
I hear him call my name and start to chase after me. I increase my speed until I’m running so fast I can hardly see where I’m going. I’m not thinking about my direction, all I care about is being alone with my thoughts.
I run so far I can no longer hear Jake’s voice calling out my name. I immediately chastise myself for heading off on my own when I have no idea where I am. I really am stupid, I feel like I’m walking around in circles. I don’t know this area and I’m starting to panic with the sensation of being completely and utterly lost.
I decide to stop for a minute so I can catch my breath and figure out what I’m going to do next. I sit down at the side of the road as my tears start to fall; sitting here like this reminds me of how Jake and I first met. I’m nowhere near the same place but I remember sitting all alone just like this, helpless and alone.
It’s so late and dark now; I can’t even see any street signs which would give me an indication as to where I am. Why the hell didn’t I stay with Jake? I could have at least allowed him to walk me home. I hold my head in my
hands and try to remain calm. I could phone Jake and be honest with him; he would come and get me without a moment’s hesitation. I have my phone with me from when I snatched it off Jake so there’s no reason I can’t use it. Thank God he managed to take it from Sarah before he chased after me.
My fear starts to take hold of me when I realise that even if I did phone Jake, I have no idea where I am. How would I be able to let him know where to find me? I feel so scared, frantic and completely broken. Tonight has been one long, unforgettable nightmare, one that I’m desperate to wake up from. Little do I know, my nightmare has only just begun.
Chapter Nineteen
“You ok, sweetheart?”
My silent sobs of despair are interrupted by the voice of someone I don’t know. I startle, glancing up into the eyes of a stranger. He seems to be a few years older than me but I can’t really tell because he has his hood up, concealing most of his face. He looks awful, he’s clearly had too much to drink because he’s swaying from side to side, unable to stand up straight. The tracksuit he’s wearing is filthy and he’s clutching a large bottle of vodka in his hand. His speech is slurred and he reeks of alcohol.
I quickly stand up, wiping away the remainder of my tears. He already caught me in the middle of crying but I can’t help trying to make myself appear less vulnerable.
“I’m fine. I’m actually just on my way home.” I turn away from him and start walking in the opposite direction. I have no idea if I’m going the right way; all I care about is getting as far away from him as possible. My stomach is churning and my heart is beating rapidly with terror. When I hear his footsteps behind me, I quicken my pace, reprimanding myself for taking off by myself in the dark. How could I have been so stupid?
“Its ok, honey, I’m not going to hurt you. I just want to make sure you’re alright. I saw you crying and it made me wonder what a beautiful young girl like you is doing out this late by herself. Why were you crying, sweetheart? If you tell me I might be able to help.”
He soon catches up with my steps and starts to walk alongside me. I glance at him warily, wondering if I’m being a little bit paranoid. Maybe he really does mean well and is just checking that I’m ok. I suddenly remember the night I first met Jake. He was a complete stranger to me but I never felt uneasy or scared like I do with this guy. My instincts are screaming at me to run away. I somehow know that I shouldn’t trust this guy, he’s dangerous and I need to get away from him. My anxiety increases when I notice the way he’s now looking at me. His lecherous gaze slowly travels up and down my body, causing me to tremble with fear and revulsion.
“Thanks but I really am ok. I need to get going.” I tell him, hoping that my dismissive attitude will put an end to our conversation. However, as I start walking away, he grabs hold of my arm, preventing me from taking another step. He’s not quite at tall as Jake but he towers above my tiny 5 ft.2 inches. He stands in front of me, blocking my path and grinning at me salaciously.
“Babe, you’ve been crying and I can’t let you walk home alone, I’ll go with you.”
“I’m fine. My boyfriend wouldn’t like it if you walked with me; he’s actually waiting for me right now so I really should go.”
I attempt to move past him but he refuses to step aside. The sound of my phone ringing surprises us both; it’s still in my back pocket which is where I put it when I snatched it from Jake. I quickly try to reach for it but the creep is too fast for me, his hand curls around my wrist, stopping me from answering it.
“He’s not much of a boyfriend if he let’s you walk all alone at night. You should forget him and talk to me instead; I guarantee I’ll make it worth your while.” His firm grip on my wrist tightens and I just know he’s giving me a silent warning.
“That’s him calling me right now; I really should go and meet him. We had a bit of a row and he’s probably worried about me.” I murmur.
I loathe the way my voice wavers, revealing how petrified I really am. Predators like him can detect a person’s fear like a shark can find blood in the ocean. My phone eventually stops ringing, an ear-splitting silence between us.
“Aw, you had an argument? What was it about? Was it another girl?” He slurs, leaning in towards me. He notices my hesitation and smirks triumphantly, knowing his guess was right.
“I really don’t want to talk about it; I’d just like to go.” I say quietly, surreptitiously moving to the left and hoping he doesn’t notice. He’s so intoxicated; I’m praying I’ll be fast enough to be able to make a run for it.
“Your boyfriend’s a fool. What kind of idiot would choose another girl over you?”
I cringe away from his touch when he reaches out for me; he ignores my repulsion and traces his disgusting, discoloured fingers down the side of my face. He uses the same hand that’s still clasping his bottle and I recoil when the cold glass presses against my cheek. He leers at me, misunderstanding my repugnant tremble for desire.
“Don’t.” I beg him, squirming away from his lecherous caress.
“You’re actually really pretty.” He says, as though he’s taken aback by his sudden observation.
He licks his lips and takes a step closer. I can smell the alcohol on his breath and I grimace. I’d give anything to be out of this dark, depraved and dangerous situation I’m in. I can’t take much more of anything, I just want to curl up into a little ball, close my eyes and be safe.
My phone starts to ring again and I look up at him, weighing up the probability that my reflexes will be faster than his if I try and reach for it again.
“Please let me answer it, he’ll be worried about me.” I implore him.
His hand that stroked my cheek now circles my waist, tugging me closer against him. My hands push against his chest, fiercely trying to put some distance between us. He ignores my struggle and continues to watch me squirm with a satisfied sneer on his face. His expression changes to that of surprise when he finally notices the state of my dishevelled appearance.
“What happened to you? You have scratches on your and there’s something in your hair. Aw, baby, did he hurt you? Don’t worry; I won’t be too rough, unless you want me to be.” He whispers threateningly into my ear.
I have to clench my teeth together to stop myself from screaming. My small hands frantically push against his chest as I wriggle away from him. It’s no use and he’s relentless, refusing to loosen his hold on me. I turn my face to the side and force down the vomit rising up my throat when I notice his lips are about to force themselves upon mine.
My phone stops ringing and the eerie silence that follows descends once more. Even though I’m in the worst, horrifying situation of my entire life, I can’t help but feel guilty for Jake. His incessant phone calls prove how worried he must be about me taking off like that for the second time. He’ll be going out of his mind with worry and he’ll only blame himself if anything happens to me tonight. God, I’d give anything to rewind and go back to a few hours ago. Why on earth did I persuade Jake to take me with him to the party? Why didn’t I listen to him when he told me it wasn’t a good idea? If I had just let him go and ignored my morbid curiosity about his lifestyle and his friends, I wouldn’t be part of this hellish nightmare.
A tear escapes my eye but I strain my neck, arching as far away as I can from him, determined I won’t let him see me cry. I won’t give him the satisfaction of observing my weakness.
I’m scared. I’m more terrified than I have ever been but I know I can’t let my terror win. I must fight. Physically, I might not be able to defend myself but my inner strength is not to be trifled with. I will not let him get inside my head. I will not let him infiltrate my head. Instead, I try to immerse myself in every beautiful, perfect memory I have with Jake. I picture his face, his voice and his smile; using everything I can to transport me away from this monster. I don’t want this vile predator to erase every magical moment I’ve shared with Jake.
“Please don’t hurt me, let me go home and I won’t say a word to anybod
y, I swear.” I beg him.
“Don’t worry; I’m going to give you exactly what you want.” He grins at me indecently, a clear insinuation of what he has planned.
My phone starts to ring for a third time and I can’t help my intense concern for Jake. He will be going crazy wondering where I am and if I’m still angry with him.
Knowing that my imagination has always been the key to my freedom, knowing that it has always been my escape mechanism, I close my eyes, willing my mind to help me escape this situation and the danger that I’m in. I conjure up an image of Jake; I imagine his dark brown eyes and how they sparkle when they look at me. I remember his smile and how his whole face lights up whenever he sees me. I visualise the gentle kiss he always places on my forehead whenever we have to say goodbye. I cherish every single moment and immerse myself in the comfort my memories bring me. I can’t stop this villainous creature taking from my body but I will not allow him to take anything from my mind. My memories are my own and they will save me from what is about to happen, whatever that might be.
More than anything I hope Jake will be able to forgive me. He begged me not to leave him tonight and I ignored him. I walked away from him knowing that his heart was breaking, knowing that he needed my comfort. What sort of person does that make me? I hope he knows how much I love him, I long to tell him that I don’t care about thee past or anything that came before we met. I want him to know that I don’t blame him for anything.
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