Always & Forever

by Crossley, Lauren

  My extraordinary restraint finally paid off the night before my sixteenth birthday. A large group of us were at a party and Jake was drunk and this in itself was surprising because Jake rarely drinks. That night I purposefully decided to stay sober, I’d strategically been planning my seduction of Jake for years and it was on this particular night I decided it was time to make my move. I wanted him and nothing was going to stand in my way.

  It was just the two of us outside in the back garden and Jake was confiding in me about his dad. It proved how wasted he really was because Jake never talks about his dad or his family life whatsoever. He told me how much he hated him and how he determined he was that he would never turn out like him. I was being sympathetic, listening to him vent about his father when I started to move closer towards him. I gently began to trace my fingernails down his arm until my hand settled on his. Deciding to be bold, I interlaced our fingers together, amazed that he was letting me touch him whilst pouring his heart out to me. My own heart was beating so fast, I’d been waiting for this moment for years and it was finally about to happen.

  My plan was almost ruined when Jake started to get angry, he was all reflective and contemplative about his past, remembering all of the times his dad had let him down and I was really taken aback because I’d never expected to see such raw emotion from Jake. He’s always kept himself to himself, reluctant to share anything with anyone.

  When I thought my sensitivity wasn’t going to keep his attention for much longer, I decided to kiss him. My lips pressed against his, waiting for the moment he would kiss me back. I was extremely relieved when I only had to wait a few seconds. His hand went behind my neck, tugging me towards him and deepening our kiss. It was desperate, forceful, hungry and passionate. His tongue invaded my mouth and I willingly parted my lips for him.

  Before I knew what was happening, he took me by the hand and was pulling me through the back door of the house and into the party. He ignored everyone as we made our way through the throngs of people inside; he practically dragged me up the stairs in his haste to make it to one of the bedrooms. We found an empty room and he shoved me inside, locking the door behind us.

  “What time is it?” He asked, tearing his mouth away from my neck.

  I remember frowning at him, wondering why on earth he was asking me for the time.

  “It’s half past twelve, why?”

  “Good. Come here.” He ordered, standing his back against the bedroom door, waiting for me to make the first move.

  I pretended to be nervous as I cautiously made my way over towards him. I’d waited for this moment for so long, I wasn’t about to ruin it by being too forward. Jake had always made it clear he would never sleep with any of his friends; his sex life was something he rarely talked about, even though I’d had to witness his ridiculous amount of sexual encounters over the years.

  “Why did you ask what time it is?” I persisted, unable to help myself.

  It was such a bizarre question for Jake to ask, my curiosity was too strong.

  “I needed to make sure you’re officially sixteen. I don’t want to break any laws by fucking you senseless.” He said, smirking at me.

  I gaped up at him in astonishment. He had really sobered up since we were outside but his glazed over eyes gave away the amount of alcohol he had actually consumed. I had no choice but to take advantage of the situation, I knew I only had one chance with Jake and I had to make him mine.

  We slept together that night and I know by the way Jake treated me that he had no idea it was my first time. The next morning Jake did apologise to me, he said what happened between us had been a mistake and that he was sorry for the way he had treated me. I had no idea why he was apologising to me, the sex was a bit rough considering it was my first time but he hadn’t known that at the time. Being with Jake had been amazing, I didn’t regret a single moment with him and the hardest part was I couldn’t be honest with him.

  Jake stayed away from me for weeks after that night and I started to panic that I had really ruined things between us. At that point Jake still had no idea that he had taken my virginity and I wanted to keep it that way. He was already avoiding me, I knew he would disappear from my life altogether if he knew I hadn’t told him before we had sex he was going to be my first. Jake had been so inebriated that night, he hadn’t noticed the blood stains all over the sheets, a clear sign of my virginity before that night.

  I did eventually tell Jake the truth, I remember him being so shocked and dismayed that I had trusted him with something so important and irreplaceable.

  “God, Sarah, I never knew. I swear I didn’t or I would never have done it.” He told me, a wretched, pitiful grimace on his face.

  He looked so ashamed of himself; he was still unaware that he had given me everything I’d ever wanted during that night.

  “Jake, I wanted it too. There’s no reason to apologise.” I had told him.

  “But you didn’t bleed.” He mumbled quietly, appearing confused.

  I noticed his doubtful expression, as though he was starting to consider the possibility that I was lying to him. For once in my life I was actually being honest telling him the truth, he needed to believe that.

  “I actually did. You were too drunk to notice.” I confessed.

  “God, I’m really sorry, Sarah. You deserved so much better than that night and what I gave you.”

  He covered his face with his hands as he absorbed himself in his sorrow and blame. He felt guilty for being so drunk and for being rough with me. I quickly reassured him that it was him ok; I still wanted to be his friend. I somehow managed to keep my true feelings for him concealed, I knew that Jake wasn’t looking for a relationship, we were only sixteen and if I truly wanted to make Jake mine, I had to start all over again and be patient. Jake went on to fuck anything in a skirt and I also started to look for other guys to occupy myself with whilst waiting for him to take notice. None of them meant anything to me but I had to give off the impression that I wasn’t waiting around for Jake.

  My endurance was finally rewarded just over a year ago when Jake and I were at another pointless house party. It was just the two of us hanging around outside and the familiarity of the situation didn’t escape either of us. It was so much like the night before my sixteenth birthday and the night we first slept together. It was then that Jake had turned to me and asked if it was true that he’d really been the first person I’d ever slept with. I admitted that he was and he went on to confess that it was something he still felt guilty over.

  I leaned in towards him and whispered that he was free to make it up to me anytime he liked. We spent our second night together and somehow managed to fall into a relationship with one another after that. I felt like all my dreams had come true, after all the years I spent waiting and biding my time, Jake was finally mine. I had hit the jackpot and I was convinced that Jake would eventually reciprocate my intense feelings for him. Our sex life was incredible and as much as Jake will deny it, he wanted me just as badly as I did him.

  However, I eventually started to notice a change in his behaviour towards me, his eyes no longer lit up when he saw me and I felt as though he was tiring of our relationship and my constant presence around his house. I only spent so much time there because I’ve known Jake and his family all my life. I felt like I was a part of them and I loved the welcome they always gave me whenever I went round there, especially from his mum. Jake didn’t seem to care that his family adored me, his interest was waning and I was frequently having warn other girls to stay away from him. Even my own friends tried it on with him and it almost drove me insane with envy. Jake’s a good guy and I knew he would never cheat on me, that’s not his style. I was still infuriatingly jealous though and would spend countless nights lying awake picturing him with one of them.

  On one occasion Jake actually had to drag me away from one bitch who offered herself on a plate to him right in front of me. There was a large group of us at a club in town and I’d only l
eft Jake alone for five minutes whilst I went to the bathroom. I returned to overhear this slut we both knew telling him what she would do to him if he let her give him a blow job. Hearing her describe that to him was the final straw and I saw the slight temptation in his eyes when he was listening to her. It terrified me, I knew I was losing him and I had to do something about it. Fast.

  I had lunged for her, grabbing a fistful of her hair in each hand, hoping to pull it out. It wasn’t long before Jake’s strong arm encircled my waist, preventing me from inflicting some serious damage.

  I knew I was close to losing my hold on him and I was desperate to find a way of securing a permanent position in his life. I thought about it for a few days and eventually came up with the only idea I could think of. I had to get pregnant. It was the only way of ensuring Jake would stay a remaining fixture in my life. It was extraordinarily difficult making sure Jake was careless. He always insisted he wore a condom even though I was on the pill before I decided to become pregnant. There were several nights I had to remain sober and focus on plying him with drink, only then would he be reckless enough to go without protection.

  I anxiously waited for it to happen. My fear grew with every negative pregnancy test I threw away. I was under a considerable amount of pressure, Jake was pulling away from me more and more each day and I was really starting to panic that he would break up with me before I could show him that positive pregnancy test. I was consumed with despair, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep and I was paranoid that Jake was going to find out what I was up to.

  I was in a constant state of turmoil, teetering on the edge of insanity waiting for Jake to end things between us when it finally happened. My period was late and I was full of hope as I bought yet another pregnancy test. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw the positive test result. I was pregnant. I had actually done it. It had taken two months and I was exhausted from all the stress it had causes me but it had finally happened.

  I decided to keep the news to myself for a few days; I needed time to adjust to the idea of having a baby and I started to ask myself whether I was even ready to be a parent. Would I be able to convince Jake that my pregnancy had been an accident? It was a few days later when I geared myself up to tell him the news. Jake had been particularly quiet with me all day and when he told me he wanted to take a walk, I already knew what he was about to say. He was about to break up with me and I was unbelievably thankful that I’d managed to get pregnant in time.

  Jake had looked so nervous; I could see he was wrestling with himself over how to broach the subject of ending things with me. He had his hands in his front pockets and he could hardly bring himself to look at me. He was just about to say something when I beat him to it.

  “There’s something I need to tell you.” I had blurted out.

  “Ok… what is it?” He asked me curiously.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  I had held my breath, terrified of what his reaction would be.

  “What did you just say?” His voice was barely above a whisper.

  “I’m pregnant.” I repeated myself, knowing he hadn’t misheard me.

  “What? How? Are you sure?”

  “I’m sure. I took a test a few days ago and my period is late.” My own voice sounded calm and tranquil. All I cared about was keeping Jake and I was already certain he wouldn’t leave me now.

  “I don’t fucking believe this, Sarah. We’ve always been so careful!” He yelled at me, running his fingers through his unruly hair.

  “Are you serious? I can remember at least five occasions over the last couple of months when we haven’t been careful.”

  “Fuck!” He knew I was right.

  It was only then I started to worry. His reaction was not the one I’d been hoping for and I started to think about how foolish I had been. If Jake refused to stand by me I’d be all alone, stuck with the decision of being a twenty-two year old single mother or having an abortion.

  “Thanks for your support.” I snapped.

  “God, I’m really sorry, Sarah. It’s just… I can’t believe you’re really pregnant. How could I have let this happen? I’m a fucking idiot.”

  I tried to conceal the shit eating grin on my face; the irony of the situation was almost funny. Jake was blaming himself for my own callousness and deception.

  “It’s a huge shock but it’s not the end of the world, is it?” I asked him, praying to God he wouldn’t say yes.

  “You mean you want to keep it?” He said uncertainly.

  “Don’t you?” I asked him fearfully.

  I’d never even thought about what would happen if Jake wanted me to have an abortion. I was still so terrified by the thought of losing him and that’s what would happen if he didn’t want me to go ahead with the pregnancy.

  “I don’t know what I want. All of this is crazy; I can’t believe this is even happening. You were on the pill though, right?”

  “Yeah but there have been a few occasions when I’ve accidentally forgotten to take it.” I had mumbled, trying my best to look guilty. I needed him to believe I was really sorry for my carelessness.

  “Jesus Christ, Sarah.” He glared at me angrily.

  “Don’t blame this on me, Jake! You’ve never taken an interest in the contraception I use before. This is just as much your responsibility as it is mine.” I forced a few crocodile tears for Jake’s benefit, hoping it would change his whole demeanour towards me.

  His face softened as he walked over towards me, pulling me into his chest. He kissed my forehead, whispering several words of comfort. He told me everything would be ok and that he would take care of me and the baby no matter what.

  It’s exactly what I wanted to hear and I smiled against him, grateful he couldn’t see my smirk.

  “Baby, I’m sorry. Everything’s going to be alright, you’re going to be fine. You’re not alone in this and I’m not going anywhere. We’re in this together and it’s all going to be fine. I’ll take care of you.”

  He continued to stroke my hair; his affection forced me to cry genuine tears of relief. My plan had worked, I wasn’t going to lose him and he was going to stay with me and stand by me. My plan had worked. Perfectly.

  It took a while for Jake to adjust to the idea but he slowly started to become more enthusiastic about my pregnancy. I was absolutely delighted when he started to talk about getting our own place. He said we needed to be a proper family and the only way of ensuring that was for us to live together.

  I craved my own home; I was twenty-two and wanted to get away from my parents. They weren’t thrilled when I told them about the baby but I never expected them to be supportive. Mum had been spending more and more time away from home, always away for the weekends with friends and I was tired of being ignored by her. Jake’s Mum was more much supportive; she used to tell me that I reminded her of a younger version of herself. Jake and his mum never really saw eye to eye but they both agreed that the ideal solution was for Jake and I to get our own place.

  Things were going well and I was the happiest I’d ever been. Even though I was pregnant I didn’t see why my social life had to come to an end. Jake already has his job working at the bar and they increased his hours when he told them how badly he needed the money. I used to accompany him when he was working, mainly so I could keep an eye on him and warn the girls who wouldn’t take no for an answer to stay away from. The fact that Jake and I were having a baby together didn’t deter stop them and it was a real problem for me, I was struggling to deal with it. I trusted Jake but I didn’t trust them.

  One thing that did really annoy me was how protective Jake had become. He no longer wanted me in the bar where he worked; he forbade me from drinking a single drop of alcohol and told me I shouldn’t be going to any parties without him. It all became so intense and I was finally starting to understand the monumental decision I had made and what it was changing in my life. I was desperately in need of some excitement; all Jake was concerned about was the baby and sav
ing enough money to put down a deposit for a flat together. I started going out with my friends behind his back and I admit to having the occasional drink or two.

  My sex life with Jake had deteriorated; something that had always been so passionate had become practically non-existent. Jake was terrified of hurting me and damaging the baby, he stayed well away from me and I felt more alone than ever. I wanted him to want me like he did before and I missed the fiery uncontrollable heat between us.

  I started to wonder if he was cheating on me but Jake was working every single hour he was apart from me and deep down I knew he wouldn’t do such a thing. I eventually came to the conclusion that he just didn’t want me anymore and the knowledge of this fuelled the bitterness I had started to feel towards our baby. I resented it for changing my life and I almost despised Jake for only staying with because of the baby. I never wanted baby in the first place but it was the only way I could think of to make sure Jake would stay with me.

  He started to take such an active interest in the baby, I felt like I was irrelevant and I was jealous of all of the attention he was giving to it. The ultimate decision I made to cheat on Jake was something I did out of spite, I wanted revenge and I wanted to punish him for the fact that he didn’t really want me. The guys I slept with had no idea that I was pregnant, none of them even knew Jake or they would have made the choice of staying far away from me. It’s not that I was interested in any of them; I just wanted to feel desirable again. None of them were concerned with being gentle towards me, they only wanted me for my body and that was fine by me. Jake was the only man I gave my heart to and nothing would change that.

  I was out with my friends one night, we had been drinking and dancing for hours and I needed a break. It was when I was in the toiler that I noticed I was bleeding. The stomach pains soon followed and I knew I had to get to a hospital. I was hysterical as I made my way over to my friends; I begged them to call Jake and to get me some help. A girl from the party drove me there and I was given a scan right away. I was then told that I had lost the baby.