Always & Forever

by Crossley, Lauren

  My reverie is interrupted by Jake when he walks in with a steaming mug of hot chocolate in each hand. He places them both on the coffee table, kneeling down in front of me.

  “I’m glad to see you’ve warmed up a bit, you’ve stopped trembling.” He says playfully.

  “I feel much better now, thank you.” I stroke my fingers through his hair, hoping to convey every ounce of gratitude and affection for him.

  “This is really cute.” He says, tugging the cord around the waist of my bath robe.

  “Its miles too big for me but its really cosy.” I smile, glancing down at my tiny frame wrapped up in this gargantuan gown.

  “I think its kind of sexy.” He whispers, allowing his fingertips to caress the bare skin on the back my legs. His slow, deliberate movements cause my skin to tingle and the temperature of my body to increase.

  I observe him closely, absorbing the masculine beauty before me.

  “Baby, we have a lot to talk about. There are things we need to discuss and I need to know what you’re thinking, what you’re feelings are about this baby.” He says, gazing steadily at me.

  “I’m frightened. I’m really, really scared and I’m feeling incredibly stupid and naive. You warned me after the first time we had sex that this could happen and I didn’t take your concern seriously at all. I thought you were being melodramatic and absurd but you were right, Jake. I should have listened to you. Why did I think this would never happen to me?” I mutter, humiliated by my lack of common sense and rationality. I’ve been the biggest fool.

  “Don’t be so hard on yourself; I’m the one to blame. I should have insisted we use protection from the start but I didn’t. I should have learned my lesson with Sarah but it’s almost like I couldn’t help myself, I wanted you so badly and my pitiable male ego refused to see beyond the fact that you wanted me too. The idea of there being nothing between us was just too tempting for me to resist.”

  He’s still kneeling before me and I’m finding it incredibly difficult to keep my hands to myself. My body is screaming out for me to touch him, he exudes sexual attraction and seduction. I doubt there’s a single woman in the world who could deny him.

  “The only thing I don’t understand is how you could think that I’d cheat on you with Callum. I told you I wouldn’t contact him and now I feel like you don’t trust me.”

  “Sweetheart, I do trust you. I know that’s probably a little hard to believe after everything I said but it is the truth. I’m disgusted with myself and my behaviour, I don’t know came over me.”

  He sighs, lowering his head with shame and guilt. When he eventually stands up, he holds his arms out towards me so we stand and switch places on the chair. As he sits himself down, I join him on his lap and snuggle up against him.

  “I just need to know that you believe in me, I could never betray you, Jake.” I whisper, continuing on with out conversation.

  “I make no excuses for myself, I wasn’t thinking straight. You looked so worried when you told me you had something to tell me, my mind instantly thought of the worst case scenario. I remembered the night when you taunted me with the idea of contacting Callum and I realise you didn’t mean it but I guess it’s stayed in my mind since then.”

  I’m utterly ashamed of what I said to him that night; it was cruel and malicious. Even though it’s impossible for me to erase my actions from that night it doesn’t stop me wanting to ease some of the remaining damage my thoughtless comments might have caused him. Without thought or concern, I lovingly bestow an open-mouthed kiss against the warm skin on Jake’s neck. My desire is to translate all of my love and adoration for him in on simple touch. I’ve come to realise that words aren’t always enough and sometimes it takes more than words.

  Jake inhales sharply, taking my small hand in his and interlaces our fingers together.

  “You said you had to take some money from the bookstore? I’ll replace that right away, I don’t want you to risk getting caught, even if he’s away right now.” Jake assures me, instantly alleviating the burden of stealing my father’s money.

  “Thank you.” I say gratefully.

  He exhales slowly, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees and I’m forced to change my position on his lap so I can accommodate his sudden movement. Jake turns his head to look at me, studying every single aspect of my face. His eyes drop to my parted lips and a surge of excitement courses through me. Observing Jake’s arousal for me has always been my greatest weakness. I’m also aware of the powerful affect I have over him and can’t deny the fact that I want to witness his desire for me.

  Softly grazing my teeth along my bottom lip, I watch Jake’s eyes darken with an indescribable passion for me. I’m about to make the first move when he beats me to it, his hand tangles in my hair, drawing me towards him whilst his tongue delves into my mouth, forcing me to open up for him. I gently nibble along the length of his bottom lip, an action which elicits a deep groan from Jake.

  There’s something so ardent and desperate between us, it’s as though we’re trying to fix everything that’s gone wrong between us. Our passionate need for one another is all-consuming, so forceful it has the strength to numb us both.

  I move closer towards him, pressing my body against his. A moan escapes my lips when I feel his other hand slide up my thigh, venturing underneath the dressing gown I’m still wearing. He firmly grabs hold of my ass, forcing me to straddle him and taking complete ownership over my body. My legs widen, craving the feel of Jake’s arousal as badly as I need oxygen. He growls in appreciation, thrusting the evidence of his need for me against my body, grinding my hips against his.

  I moan loudly when Jake’s tongue invades my mouth again, swirling around my tongue as his fingers wrap around my hair, tugging on it lightly. His eyes bore into mine, the connection between us sparkles, crackling and igniting in its strength. It’s as though he can see all the way inside of me, right into my soul.

  The heated moment is broken by the sound of my stomach rumbling, demanding that I feed it. I haven’t eaten anything for twenty-four hours; I’m not surprised it’s yelling at me.

  “Bethany, you’re starving. When was the last time you ate?” Jake demands, breaking away from me, leaving me breathless and flushed

  “I can’t remember exactly.” I lie.

  “Bethany, tell me.”

  “It was yesterday, ok? I told you I couldn’t face anything today.” I snap, unable to stop the defensive tone creeping into my voice.

  “You’re telling me you haven’t eaten a single thing since yesterday? For God’s sake, Bethany! You have to take care of yourself now; you can’t go a whole day without food.” He scolds me, jumping up from his seat.

  “Jake, you have to stop worrying, I’m fine. I’ll eat something when I get home.” I assure him.

  He ignores me, marching into the kitchen before I can say another word. I can hear him opening and closing the kitchen cupboards, rummaging around for food. I overhear him swearing under his breath and slamming the doors closed when he can’t seem to find anything.

  “There’s nothing here, not a single thing. I’m going to have to go out and buy something. I can’t believe you haven’t eaten anything in twenty-four hours!” Jake yells in frustration as I make my way into the kitchen. His mercurial mood swings really are intense, I’m not sure I can handle much more of them tonight.

  “There might be some cereal in the pantry.” I say, searching the shelves for any sign of cornflakes or weetabix. I’d eat anything right now if it will keep Jake from nagging me.

  He comes up behind me, taking the cereal box from my hands and empties its contents into the bowl he already found.

  “Shit!” He exclaims harshly.

  “What is it now?” I ask him wearily, rubbing my forehead.

  “There’s no damn milk.” He says exasperatedly.

  “The house has been empty for a while now, it’s not like milk was a priority whilst gran was in hospital. I promise I’ll eat
something soon as I get home.”

  “No. I want you to eat something now. I’ll go out and get something; I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  He strides out of the kitchen and into the hallway, throwing on his jacket before heading for the door.

  “Where are you going?” I ask, hurrying after him.

  “To the shop to buy a few things, I’ll be back soon.” He slams the front door behind him without giving me a backwards glance.

  As soon as Jake returns, he makes me two bowls of cereal and three slices of buttered toast. I only realised how hungry I was when I started eating and I couldn’t get enough of the food that was placed before me.

  “Are you happy now?” I tease him, playfully sticking my tongue out at him. “I’m completely full.”

  “Bethany, you can’t that again. You’re pregnant, you have to eat or you’ll make yourself ill. I need you to promise me you’ll start taking care of yourself and that you’ll eat healthily.” He says solemnly.

  After assuring him that I’ll be more responsible from now on, we return to the front room and the armchair we were sitting on before my stomach interrupted us. Its been a couple of hours since I first told Jake the news and I’m hoping that now might be the right time for me to be completely honest with him. He needs to know what I’m thinking and it’s not fair of me to keep him in the dark about something as important as this.

  “You know... we don’t have to go through with this if we don’t want to.” I murmur, struggling to keep the trepidation out of my voice.

  “What do you mean? You want to have an abortion?” His head jerks as though I’ve just slapped him.

  I can’t blame him for his horror, what I’m suggesting is terrible. It’s something I never thought I’d choose consider but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m not ready to have a child, I’m absolutely terrified by the idea and I’m certain I won’t be able to do this. I’m not even sure I want to.

  “I just want you to know that it might be a possibility.”

  Out of nowhere I suddenly burst into tears. I can’t help myself, my tears are uncontrollable and I no longer have the strength to fight them. My only comfort is the feel of Jake’s arms wrapped around me, cradling my quivering body against him and pulling me into his chest.

  “Listen, you’ve only just found out about this today. You’re still in shock and you need some time to process things. I’ll take care of you no matter what; you know that, don’t you?” He says solemnly.

  “It means a lot to me to know that you’ll be there for me.” I say gratefully, burying my face into his chest, needing to feel safe and protected.

  “Bethany, I want to be completely honest with you because I think you deserve to know the truth. I want this baby; I want us to do this. I feel like I’ve been given a second chance and I feel like this was supposed to happen. You and I were supposed to meet, fall in love and create this baby together. It’s already a part of us.”

  “Jake, you can’t say things like that to me; it’s just going to make things harder if I decide not to go through with it.”

  “My intention isn’t to make this any harder on you; I just want to be open and honest about how I’m feeling. I want us to do this but ultimately I know can’t tell you what to do with your body. It’s your decision and I won’t force you into anything, I would never do that.” He rests his forehead against mine, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply.

  I can’t believe Jake would be so selfless. The fact that he would respect my own feelings over his own makes me want to start crying all over again.

  “You would do that for me?” I ask hesitantly.

  “Yes.” He says simply, as if there’s no doubt or uncertainty about the matter.

  “It would have been different if this was a couple of years from now. If I weren’t still living at home or if I had known you longer.” I try to explain.

  “They’re just circumstances. Excuses made for why you shouldn’t do this but I need you to promise me you won’t base your decision on that bastard you live with. This has nothing to do with him; he will have no say in this decision. If you decide to keep this baby I swear to you I’ll protect you both. You really think I’d let you stay in that house with our baby?”

  “I don’t know, I guess I haven’t thought that far ahead.”

  “The first thing we need to do is make you an appointment with the doctor. It needs to be confirmed and then we’ll know how many weeks pregnant you are exactly.” He stands up, leaving me alone on the armchair.

  I fight every instinct I have to get up and follow him, it’s like he’s a magnet to me and wherever he goes I want to follow.

  “How will I be able to sneak away for an appointment? I know he’s away but I still have my mum to contend with.”

  “We’ll figure all that out later but it’s really important you go, Bethany. It sucks that today’s Friday; we’ll have to wait until after the weekend now”

  “You seem to have it all figured out, just let me know what I’m doing when you’ve decided on that as well.” I say bitterly, resenting how well he’s handling everything. Of course he’s been through all of this before, he should be an expert.

  “I can make the appointment for you but its best if you go and see your own doctor, they’ll have all your records and it might make you feel more comfortable.” Jake continues, ignoring my bitchy remark.

  “I don’t know… I have to digest everything. I can’t think straight. ” I tell him, anxiously running my fingers through my hair.

  “Sweetheart, this is non-negotiable.” He says firmly.

  “I guess an appointment will just make it all real. It will mean its actually happening.”

  “It is real, baby. It is happening and we need to find a way of making you feel alright about it.” He kneels before me, taking hold of my face in his hands and gently strokes his thumb across my cheek.

  I glance at the clock and jump up in surprise when I notice the time. We’ve been here for hours and its time I should be getting back.

  “I need to get going, mum will be worrying about me.”

  “I don’t want to let you go, you should be with me tonight.” He whispers. “I wish you could just come home with me right now.”

  I cling onto him for dear life. I no longer feel grounded or settled, I feel like I’m lost at sea, drowning in the middle of the ocean and Jake is my one and only life line. His love for me is unparalleled, so transcendent I can feel it in the air around us. I’m still overwhelmed by fear, it threatens to strangle the life of me with each new breath but to know I have Jake by my side eases some of my terror. I don’t have any faith in myself but I do believe in Jake, he’s all the hope I need.

  Chapter Twenty Four

  Jake

  Pregnant. That one word keeps racing around and around in my head, over and over again until it’s all I can see and hear. She’s really pregnant. She’s having my baby and I’m torn apart because I don’t know how I’m supposed to react. A huge part of me knows how incredible this is, the girl I love has my baby inside of her and I can’t help acknowledging how incredible that is. Another part of me is devastated because I know she doesn’t feel the same way, I had to conceal the exhilaration inside of me in regard of her feelings and the fact she’s so uncertain of what she wants to do.

  I know we’ve only known each other for a few weeks and under normal circumstances it would be crazy to even consider having a baby so soon but I can’t help it. I’m already fantasising about the two of us, picturing our first child together and holding it in my arms. The excitement this brings me is unbelievable; I feel it already, the longing for our baby and the desperation for her to tell me she wants it too.

  I’ve only just got back from walking her home and had to ignore every impulse that I had to keep her with me. She insisted on going home, saying she needed some time to think and some time alone so she can process everything. I suppose I had to accept her decision but it doesn’t mean I have to like it
.

  My obsession with her is on the borderline of being unhealthy. I’d die for that girl without a moment’s hesitation and now I feel the same way about our baby. The fact that she’s terrified is understandable, I understand her fear but at the same time I can’t help but question how she can even consider an abortion. The thought of it fills me with such dread and abhorrence; I found it really difficult trying to cover up my true feelings from her. I did my best to hide it but to know she might choose to have my baby removed from her is really fucking with my head and I have no idea how I’ll be able to deal with it if that ends up being her final decision.

  I never once imagined a woman I got pregnant would choose not to have my baby. Maybe that’s just me being an arrogant, egotistical alpha male but it’s the truth. I get that she’s scared, I get that she’s really worried about the future but I’ve made a solemn promise to be there for her no matter what, shouldn’t that at least provide her with some comfort?

  I despised every second moment when I told her I would accept her decision to have an abortion if that’s what she chooses. Lying to her face took a tremendous amount of effort, it was really fucking hard to sound convincing. The truth is I’m absolutely determined that I won’t lose her over this, even if she does decide to have a termination. I can’t lose her. I’m hope that my constant reassurance will eventually be enough to make her feel secure enough to have this baby. I have to believe she’ll eventually come around to the idea and realise that we can do this together. I’ve already lost my first unborn child; I’m not about to lose another.

  When I first saw Bethany tonight I knew straight away that something was wrong. She looked so nervous and uncomfortable, I immediately feared the worst. As soon as she assured me it had nothing to do with her dad, I started to get suspicious. I instantly thought of the worst case scenario and could no longer control the intrusive images in my mind of her and that son of a bitch together. I tortured myself by picturing his hands on her, his lips against her skin and his tongue tasting her, the uncontrollable jealousy I was feeling refused to go away, no matter how many times she told me I had it wrong. It seemed like the more she kept pleading her innocence, the more I convinced myself it was true.