I still didn’t know what to do about the baby; I could never seem to find myself getting excited about it or feel optimistic about a future which involved the three of us. I was longing for the day it would happen and my decision would finally be made but it never seemed to happen. At this point Jake and I were still living with his mum and three sisters and I know if we had stayed any longer it would have started to put a strain on our relationship. That’s why I was so relieved when Jake managed to get hold of the flat for us so quickly.
A few nights after Jake caught me dancing around the living room, I experienced the worst night of my entire life. I still can’t believe it really happened and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to erase the memories of it from my mind. Jake had the night off from the bar and we had spent the evening curled up on the sofa after our takeaway. It was after midnight and I could hardly keep my eyes open, I think I might have actually dozed off half way through the movie we were watching. I remember Jake woke me up when he picked me up from the couch, carrying me into the bedroom.
He placed me down on the bed and started to undress me. He kissed my neck and along my collarbone, undoing the buttons on my blouse before pulling the straps of my bra down. He turned my face towards him, his intense gaze dropped to my mouth. I needed him inside of me; I was aching and squirming for the indescribable, mind-blowing orgasms I knew he could give me.
He was breathing heavily; his chocolate brown eyes smouldered with a potent desire for me. The connection between us was electric; the air surrounding us was sizzling. The chemistry that Jake and I share is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced and the undeniable magnetic force that links us is too transcendent and powerful to be described. I wanted to disappear all the way inside of him; I knew I could never lose what we had. I would die without this feeling, I would die without him.
“I love you so much, Bethany. You’re everything to me and I need you to promise me you will never leave me. I’d die without you. I couldn’t exist.”
It was as though he could read my mind, he was voicing out loud all of my internal doubts and fears.
“I will never leave you. I’m yours forever.” I told him, stroking my hands through his hair.
I meant every word and I hoped he realised I felt exactly the same as he did.
He smiled down at me with so much love and adoration. He positioned himself on top of my half naked body, my legs opened to accommodate his body as I wrapped them around his waist. Our kissing became urgent and passionate; our breathing grew heavier as I felt his arousal press against my stomach. He was so huge, I don’t know if my tiny body would ever adapt to magnificent size.
“I need you.” I moaned, arching my back as I raked my fingernails down Jake’s.
“Let me feel how badly you want me.” He said, sliding his fingers underneath my panties.
My whole body tensed up in fear. I recoiled away from him, trying to evade his touch. It wasn’t Jake’s fault; it was what he had said to me. Jake had used the exact same words as the pervert who tried to rape me several weeks ago.
I was instantly transported back to that moment; I experienced the horrifying terror, the paralysing panic and the same loathsome disgust as I did then. I tried so hard to blot out that memory, Jake had no idea what he said to me had triggered a painful flashback and I didn’t want him to find out. He still didn’t know the extent of what had really happened that night and I was determined to keep it that way.
I closed my eyes, desperately struggling to stay calm. It was no use, it was impossible for me to forget that debilitating fear. I could smell the revolting stench of alcohol on his breath and I cringed as I remembered his aggressive, forceful hands as he tore at my clothes and my flesh. I couldn’t take it anymore; I cried out and cowered away from Jake, moving to the other side of the bed and startling us both.
“Baby, what’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” Jake asked, his eyes flashed with concern, holding his hands up as though he did something wrong.
My breathing was erratic; my anxiety was clawing away at my insides, buzzing around my brain as it frantically tried to find a way out. I knew I had to keep it in, I couldn’t allow myself to freak out. Jake didn’t know the true horrors about that night and it would kill him to find out. It would break his heart and maybe even turn it into stone. I had already witnessed Jake’s fury on several occasions and I really didn’t want to experience that again. I know Jake would never, ever hurt me but that doesn’t mean his anger doesn’t scare me. The last thing I wanted to do was provoke him.
“I’m fine. I’m sorry about that, it’s nothing.” I forced a carefree smile on my face, failing miserably.
Jake gently took hold of both my wrists, caressing the skin over my pulse with his thumbs.
“Bethany, you’re shaking. Your whole body tensed up and you seemed really scared of me for a second. What’s wrong? Did I do something you didn’t like? What caused you to react like that?” He fired questions at me and I knew his pursuit would be endless; he wouldn’t rest until he uncovered the truth.
“I told you, I’m fine.”
“Let me be the judge of that. Tell me what frightened you.”
I was sat on the edge of the bed and he knelt down in front of me. He continued to circle the inside of my wrists with his thumbs, it was soothing and I just knew it would somehow coax the truth out of me. Maybe that was his intention. I knew I couldn’t hide it anymore, lies always catch up with you in the end and I didn’t want to wait for that to happen. I knew I had to be honest with him, I couldn’t keep him in the dark and he had a right to know.
“Ok, I’ll tell you but I need you to listen to me and I don’t want you to interrupt. You’re not going to like this but you deserve to know the truth. Promise me you won’t be angry with me?”
“I’m not promising anything.” He said through gritted teeth. His eyes were inflamed and his posture was rigid with tension.
“It’s about the night I had my confrontation with Sarah and the night you saved me.”
“Go on.” He urged me as his hold on my wrists tightened.
“I wasn’t completely honest with you about something but I need you to understand it was only because I didn’t want to hurt you, I was trying to make things better.” I paused, dreading the next part I had to tell him. “You asked me if the guy you saved me from had touched me before you arrived and I told you he hadn’t. Jake, I was lying; he did touch me that night.”
Jake squeezed my wrists, I could feel the skin bruising and cried out, forcing him to relinquish his hold. I don’t even think he realised that he’d hurt me, he was already lost to his own rage. He jumped to his feet, pacing back and forth. He raked his fingers through his hair before dragging them down his face. His breathing was erratic and I swear I could even hear the loud thump of his heartbeat from where I was sitting on the bed. He came to a standstill in front of me and closed his eyes; he looked like he was in physical agony and excruciating pain. I wanted to reach out and comfort him, I longed to ease his suffering and reassure him that I was ok.
“Bethany, please don’t tell me he… please tell me he didn’t…” His eyes glazed over with tears as he turned to face me. There were no words to describe the insufferable torment my revelation had caused him. His fists were clenched, his knuckles had turned white with rage as his tears threatened to spill over.
“Jake, he didn’t rape me. I swear to you he didn’t.” I strode stood over towards him, my hands circles his face, forcing him to look at me. “I wasn’t raped, Jake. I swear to God I wasn’t.”
His eyes studied mine, searching the depths of them for the truth. His shoulders slumped and he exhaled loudly.
“You said he touched you. What did he do? I need to know exactly what he did. I’m on the edge of insanity here and I’m going to go fucking crazy if you don’t tell me what happened.”
“He hit me, he tried forcing me to kiss him and he pulled my hair.” I murmured, reluctant to reveal the true extent of the as
sault.
“What else?”
“He squeezed my breast and somehow managed to shove his hand down the front of my jeans and into my underwear. You arrived before anything else happened, Jake.” I said truthfully, hoping it would provide him with some relief.
It didn’t. Jake’s face clouded over, it was like a red mist descended and his whole body started to shake, he was actually trembling with the violence of his fury. I wasn’t sure if he could see me anymore, it was like I was invisible to him and it was terrifying. I had to jump out of the way when I saw Jake’s huge fist swing forward. It went right through the bedroom wall behind me, the plastering and wallpaper tore and crumpled around the gaping hole he had made.
I screamed at him for to stop and he spun around to face me, grabbing hold of my arms as his enraged eyes cut right through me.
“How could you keep that from me? You actually convinced me to walk away from that evil piece of shit! Why did you do it? I wanted to kill him! Why didn’t you let me kill him? I wanted him dead and that was before I knew you were sexually assaulted! You told me he hadn’t touched you and you forced me to walk away, I even let you phone a fucking ambulance! He shouldn’t even be alive! He deserved to be dead for what he did!”
“I did that for us! I didn’t want you to go to prison and I didn’t want to lose you!” I cried, tears pouring down my face.
“Jesus, you don’t know me at all, do you? I can’t believe you made me spare him. He has to pay for what he did; I have to find him and when I do, I really will kill him. He’s a dead man and this time you won’t be there to stop me.”
“Jake, you’re talking crazy. Just listen to yourself right now, you’re not that person and you never will be. You have a good heart.”
“I don’t! If I did I wouldn’t want his blood on my hands. I should have murdered him when I had the chance! Why the hell did I listen to you?” He glared at me with so much hatred; it killed me to see the man I loved in so much pain. He was a good person; I don’t know why he didn’t see it. How could I make him see the goodness that I saw every single day?
“Jake, calm down. Please just listen to me.” I said, trying to negotiate with him, closing the distance between us.
“No. I have got to get out of here. I can’t even look at you right now, I can’t think, I can’t fucking breathe! I need to go; you really shouldn’t be around me right now!” He grabbed a black T-shirt and threw on a pair of shoes before slamming the front door behind him.
I was left alone in the bedroom, shocked and terrified by what had just happened. I had no idea what to do, the only reminder of Jake’s ferocious outburst was the huge hole in the wall and I couldn’t take my eyes off it. I remained frozen for several minutes, silently sobbing as I flung myself down on the bed. Where had he gone? Would he come back? I knew I should have followed him, God knows what he’d do without me there to calm him down. He hadn’t even taken his phone so I didn’t even have the option of calling him. My own mobile startled me when it started to ring from the living room; I leapt off the bed and raced towards it. It had to be Jake; no one else had my number.
“Jake?” I yelled down the phone, clutching it to my ear.
“Bethany, its Carla. Jake’s here but he’s gone crazy! He’s upstairs in his room but he’s locked the door and won’t let anyone inside. It sounds like he’s destroying everything in it and I’m really scared he’s going to hurt himself or do something stupid. Can you please come over? You’re the only one who can reason with him.”
“I’m on my way.”
I ended the call and ran back into the bedroom to get dressed. My heart was beating so violently, it felt like it might jump out of my chest. I wasn’t thinking clearly as I sped over to Jake’s house, thankful I knew where he was but terrified of what I would find when I got there. The ferocious racket coming from Jake’s house was indescribable, Jake’s music was blaring and the sound of glass shattering and what sounded like furniture being broken could be heard half way down the street. The front door flew open before I could even knock and Carla grabbed hold of my arm, yanking me inside.
“I don’t know what’s happened; he refused to say a single word to me when he got here. He just stormed through the front door and up the stairs. He locked his bedroom door and all we’ve been able to hear is his music and the sound of him destroying the things in his room. I’m the only one home but I haven’t even tried talking to him, you’re the only one he’ll listen to, Bethany.”
“I’m so sorry. I’ll talk to him, just stay down here.”
I flew up the stairs, praying the whole time that I’d be able to talk some sense into him. The racket was much louder when I reached his bedroom door. I was scared to death and couldn’t believe that Jake was the one behind the door. Sometimes he really scared me; I wondered if I even knew what he was truly capable of.
Jay-Z’s ’99 Problems’ was blasting out underneath the door and I didn’t even know if he’d be able to hear me over the roar of the music and the commotion going on in there.
“Jake, its Bethany! Please talk to me.”
The turbulent, uncontrollable chaos seemed to quieten down and I held my breath, preparing myself to see him. The song was still playing as the door opened and Jake stood there, glowering at me. There was so much hatred in his eyes, it had never been directed at me before but this time it was.
I slid past him and my body brushed against his, causing him to inhale sharply. At least I could tell he was still attracted to me, he was furious about the lie I had told but neither of us could deny the magnetic pull between us. I walked in and switched the music off, taking in the ugly devastation of his room. The mirror was smashed, shattered into a thousand pieces. He’d broken his chest of drawers and his wardrobe had been dismantled. He must have used a hammer or something, how else could he have caused so much damage? It was so similar to what my father had done the night I left, it horrified me and all I wanted to do was run away. He looked like a complete stranger to me and I had to keep on reminding myself that it was Jake.
“What are you doing here?” He said icily.
“Carla phoned me, she’s really scared, Jake.”
“So you came here by yourself? You walked the streets alone in the dark? What the fuck were you thinking?” He yelled, slamming the door closed.
“Jake, just stop it! You have to calm down; I need to know why you’ve done this.” I pointed out the annihilation of his room.
He jerked as though I’d slapped him, narrowing his eyes at me incredulously.
“Why?” He repeated disbelievingly.
“Why would you do this? Why did you run out on me and scare your sister half to death?”
He stalked over towards me, leaving very little space between us. He towered above my five feet two inch frame, intimidating me with his height and muscular physique.
“I’ve just found out the girl I’m in love with lied to me! She deceived me and told me the pervert I saved her from didn’t touch her. I spared that cunt because I thought I’d got there in time and now I find out that I didn’t. He sexually assaulted you and I didn’t know about it! Do you know how much I despise myself for not being there? It’s my job to protect you and I didn’t. If I had known what he had done when I got there, I would never have let you drag me away from him! Knowing that I let him live will torture me for the rest of my life.”
“Jake, I didn’t want you to be punished. If you hadn’t stopped that night, you would have been in prison right now and I would have been alone.”
“Bethany, I need you to go. I don’t want you to see me like this. I feel like I’m capable of anything right now. I can’t even sit still! The rage coursing through my veins is about to explode and I don’t want you anywhere near me. That’s the reason I left, I had to get away. I’m going mad, Bethany. I’m so close to the edge! I can’t fucking take this! He touched you! He fucking hurt you! How am I supposed to deal with that?”
“You have to deal with it, there�
�s no other choice! I had to deal with it and so do you. I need you, Jake. Please don’t run out on me again.”
“Bethany… I… ”
His shoulders slumped; I was so close to getting through to him. I reached for his hand which was trembling, energy was radiating from him and I knew I’d never witnessed madness quite like this. It all because of me and I couldn’t help feeling guilty for revealing the truth to him. I had to find a way of diffusing the situation, Jake was almost on his way back to me, I just had to push him a little further. I tentatively placed his hand over my stomach, gazing up at him.
“Our baby is in here, Jake. We need you so much; we can’t do this without you. What happened to me was horrible but it could have been so much worse, you saved me and I owe you my life.”
Jake’s eyes were locked onto my stomach, it was though he was in a trance, all he could see was the baby, I wasn’t even sure if he could hear me anymore.
“He could have really, really hurt you. He could have hurt my baby.” He whispered painfully, lowering his forehead down to mine.
“But he didn’t. I’m fine and so is the baby. We’re both ok, Jake.”
“I can’t believe he touched you. How am I supposed to just let this go? I need to find him, Bethany.”
“No, you don’t.” I said firmly.
“I can’t let him get away with this; there will be other girls he could do this to.” Jake said, taking a step back from me.
I inhaled sharply, I’d never even thought about that before. I suddenly felt like I had a moral obligation to do something about him. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I knew he had hurt someone else.
“But there’s no evidence now, if we go to the police they’ll want to know why we didn’t report it in the first place. We’ll be forced to admit that you attacked him, you almost killed him and they’ll charge you. I can’t risk losing you, Jake. How will we cope if you get sent to prison?”
“Bethany, you have no idea what you’re asking me to do. I know I won’t be able to forget this; it will torment me every second of every day. How am I going to live knowing I let him get away with it?”
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