“You put him in the hospital; you didn’t let him get away with anything Jake.” I said soothingly, reaching up to run my fingers through his hair.
“I need to know one more thing. What made you tell me about this tonight? What frightened you so badly?”
“It wasn’t your fault, it was nothing.” I avoided his eyes, knowing he would be able to read the truth behind them.
“Tell me.”
He interlaced our fingers and pulled me towards him. We were so close, our lips were centimetres apart. I was breathing in his air and I could hear his heart beating.
“It was just something you said, it reminded me of him.”
“What did he say?”
“Let me feel how badly you want me.” I whispered, reluctant to relive that memory.
Jake released his hold on me and spun around, I couldn’t see his face but I knew it would be distorted with rage.
“Fuck! That monster should be six feet under by now; he would be if I had my way!”
“Let’s just go home, Jake. We can forget about all of this and just go to bed. Please.” I circled around him, wanting him to look at me.
“Baby, I love you but I need to be alone right now. I want you to stay here with Carla until I get back.”
“What? Why? Where are you going?”
“I just have to do something.”
He stroked my cheek and placed a delicate kiss on the top of my head. I clung to him but he removed my fingers from his shirt. He stalked out the room and I heard the front door slam behind him. He had really gone.
I sat down on his bed, feeling quite at home amongst the chaos and disruption of his things. His bedroom was ruined and my heart felt exactly the same. Jake had told me to stay with Carla but I had no intention of doing what he asked. I ignored her protests about walking home alone in the dark; I just wanted to get out of there.
I returned home to an empty flat, the music from the bar was still going and I also wanted something to drown out the darkness of the thoughts in my head. I reached for the brand new iPod Jake had bought me and pressed shuffle. ‘Marilyn Monroe’ by Nicki Minaj started to play as I threw myself on the bed. I felt like I could indentify with every single word and made sure the track was on repeat. I didn’t want to end up losing my soul and half the time I didn’t know if my relationship with Jake was a blessing or a curse.
I wept for what felt like hours, everything in my body hurt. My heart, my head, even my soul ached. I don’t know what time it was when Jake came home. I never heard him come in and I only knew he had come back when I felt a weight on the bed beside me.
“I’m so sorry.” He spoke directly into my ear, struggling to be heard over the song as he tried to pull my body against him.
I removed myself from his embrace and switched off the music. I wanted to be mad at him, I thought I’d scream and shout at him for leaving me when I needed him the most and hat had been my plan until I saw him. I was so relieved he had come back to me, all of my anger just disappeared.
“Where have you been?” I asked.
“That doesn’t matter. I asked you stay with Carla and when I returned to pick you up she told me you had left. I can’t believe you deliberately disobeyed me; it’s not safe for you to be out alone at night. We’ve already been through this.” Jake groaned in frustration.
“I didn’t want to stay there, not after what you did.” I said coldly.
He hung his head in shame and moved towards the edge of the bed. I remained against the wall, reluctant to forgive him for storming out like he did.
“I can understand that but you have to see how foolish it was for to take off by yourself. I don’t want anything or anyone to hurt you again and I can’t make sure you’re safe if I’m not there.”
“Jake, you can’t be with me all the time. I just needed some space to clear my head and I couldn’t do that at your house.”
“Fine. Let’s not discuss this anymore, just get into bed with me and we can go to sleep.”
“Not until you tell me where you’ve been.” I replied stubbornly, folding my arms.
“Does it really matter? I’m home now.” He stood up, closing the gap between us as he joined me on the other side of the road.
“Yes it matters; I want to know where you’ve been.” I persisted.
“You’re not going to like it.” He warned me.
My heart was pounding inside my chest. All sorts of hideous possibilities sprung to mine and I didn’t know which one was worse.
“Go on.” I urged him, preparing myself for the worst.
“Before I met you I used to fight. I don’t mean the odd beating after a drunken argument, I mean underground fighting. It’s illegal and I’m not proud of it, that’s why I never told you about it before. I haven’t done it for a long time; I had no reason to… until tonight. I had to go there, Bethany. I was dangerous; I had so much fury inside of me. I had to release it, I had to let it out and that’s where I went.” He actually smiled at me; he was acting like it was no big deal.
“Are you serious? That’s where you’ve been this whole time? I’ve been going out of my mind with worry and you were fighting?” I looked at him in disgust and noticed his knuckles were all bandaged up.
“I knew you wouldn’t like it.” He sighed.
“Of course I don’t like it! Do you know how unbelievably stupid and dangerous something like that is?”
“Only if you don’t know what you’re doing and I do! Bethany, I’ve been fighting for years, I’ve yet to be beaten and it pays a shit load of money.”
I was hit by a sudden realisation. All the money I had been wondering about must have come from there, from Jake’s victorious fights. I now knew the reason for Jake being so unbelievably strong and powerful. I was appalled and revolted to find out he had been involved with something so immoral and it all started to make sense to me. I had watched Jake almost annihilated the guy who tried to rape me that night and I now understood what an expert he really was when it came to violence. He was ruthless, unmerciful and unrelenting. The man I had fallen in love with, the father of my unborn baby was an absolute pro and it sickened me.
“That’s where all your money has been coming from?” I murmured, not wanting to believe it.
“I told you I haven’t done it for months. They money I used to buy your clothes and to get this flat is my own. Yes, it might have come from fights I won in the past but its still my money. I swore I wouldn’t do it again, as soon as I met you I knew I wanted to change and become a better person for you, someone worthy.”
“And now?”
“Now I know I might have to return to it for a little while. I have enough fucking rage inside me right now to obliterate fifty men and I’m going to need that release if I want to stay sane.”
“You’re going to fight to stop you from going insane?” I asked incredulously.
“That’s right! Every time I step into that ring from now on, I’m going to imagine my opponent is the same cunt who attacked you. I gave the best performance of my life tonight and believe me; it felt good to pretend it was him on the receiving end of my rage.”
“God, Jake. I don’t know how to deal with this. This isn’t normal, what if you accidentally end up really hurting somebody? It happens all the time and you’re not invincible, you could be the one who gets hurt.” I cried, angrily wiping away my tears.
“Don’t cry, baby. No one’s going to hurt me, I’ve never lost a fight and I don’t intend to start now. I don’t want there to be anymore secrets between us and that’s why I told you about it, it’s a little different than you keeping the fact that you were sexually assaulted from me.” The agony on his face was raw and I could see it was tearing him to pieces.
“What about what you did to your room? What are you going to do about it?” I asked, chancing the subject.
“I’ll clean it up and I’ll pay for the damage.”
“Damage? It was completely wrecked. You owe Carla an apolog
y.”
“I know, I’ll go round there first thing and apologise.”
When we finally got to bed that night, Jake clung onto me for dear life. He refused to let me go; he even tightened his hold on me when I got up to go to the bathroom. As I crawled into bed beside him he whispered my name.
“What is it?” I asked, all I wanted to do was go back to sleep.
“I can’t promise you I won’t fight anymore, it really helps me and it straightens out my head. It helps to control my anger and I think that’s why I’ve been struggling lately, I haven’t done it for months and I’ve had no release when it comes to my anger.”
“I don’t approve and I’m not going to change my mind. Do what you like but don’t think for one second that I want a single penny of the money you make.” I said spitefully, turning away from him.
For the first time that night we went to sleep with so much distance between us. Jake slept on his side of the bed and I curled up in mine. The wedge was already there, I wasn’t sure if we could overcome it and to be honest, I didn’t know if I had the energy to try.
I woke early the morning after the worst night of my life. Jake was still asleep and I tried so hard to sneak out of bed without waking him. I padded into the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee. I made sure I didn’t make a sound, the last thing I wanted do was wake up Jake, we had been up half the night and he was due back at work in twelve hours. I opened the fridge and sighed when I realised we hadn’t any milk. I was desperate for caffeine and knew I’d have to go out and get some. I quietly changed, pulling on one of the new skirts I hadn’t worn yet and a light blue T-shirt. The weather was definitely warming up so I didn’t think I needed a jacket if I was only popping out for some milk. I tugged a hairbrush through my tangled hair and put on a bit of mascara and some lip gloss. I grabbed my phone and some coins off the coffee table, hoping it would be enough to buy some milk. I glanced back towards the bedroom, Jake was still asleep and I figured it was safe for me to sneak out.
I was in a world of my own as I made my way to the corner shop, lost in thought and deep contemplation. My eyes were fixed on the ground before me but I still noticed someone come to a standstill directly in front of me. I tried to move out of the way but a hand reached out and took hold of my arm, preventing me from moving to the side.
“Bethany?” A hopeful voice said my name, as though he couldn’t quite believe it was me.
I gasped, meeting the concerned gaze of those familiar eyes, the ones I knew so well but never thought I’d see again.
“Callum, what are you doing here?”
He stared at me for several moments, so many emotions flashed across his face. Hurt, curiosity, sadness and disappointment.
“I’m on my way into town to meet a friend. What about you?” He asked.
“Milk” I blurted out idiotically.
He frowned at me, trying to figure out what I meant.
“Oh! You’re on your way to the shop?”
I nodded my head, unable to speak. My cheeks turned crimson and I felt a rush of shame. The last time I had seen Callum, he made me promise him I’d keep in touch. I swore to him I’d never let anything come between our friendship again and I had broken that promise.
“Yeah, I am. I should probably get going.” I mumbled, trying to get past him again.
“Bethany, wait. Please don’t go. I’m not angry with you; I promise you, I’m not mad.”
“You should be. You have every right to be furious with me.” I said truthfully.
“Well, I’m not. I don’t blame you for not calling me; I understand how things are between you and that guy. It was obvious when I left that he didn’t want me to see you again.”
“I’m so sorry, Callum. I promised Jake I wouldn’t contact you and I had to respect that.”
“Just like you promised me you would?” He said icily.
“Yes.” I whispered, feeling sheepish and ashamed.
“Bethany, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s just… I thought I’d found you again and then you disappeared. I’ve had that happen to me before and it really fucking hurts.”
“I’m so sorry. I never mean to hurt you.”
I forced myself to look up at him, he was so handsome, it was enough to give me butterflies.
“Baby, it’s ok. I know how things are with your father.”
He reached out for me and tucked my hair back behind my ear. I found myself leaning in towards him, the warmth of his hand was such a comfort and I was horrified to find that my body seemed to want more from him.
“I’m not living at home anymore. I left about a week ago; I’m living with Jake now.” I told him, breaking away from his touch.
I knew I had to put some distance between us and get away from him. I despised myself for feeling anything more than friendship for Callum and I began to question what sort of a person I was to find myself attracted to him after all this time.
“Are you serious?” He raised his eyebrows at me in a disapproving manner.
“We have a little flat together and I owe Jake my life for getting me away from that monster.”
“Of course I’m glad you’re away from your father, it just seems a little soon be moving in with him. You haven’t known him for very long, have you?”
“That’s besides the point and none of your business.” I snapped.
“I suppose you’re right.” He sighed wearily, a look of sadness in his eyes.
“You look really well, Callum. You seem happy.” I observed, appreciating his smart appearance and good looks. I couldn’t deny the pull I felt towards him and his boyish charm.
His dark blonde hair and startling blue eyes were hypnotic. His athletic frame and olive skin made him even more attractive.
“So do you, Bethany. In fact, you’re more beautiful than ever.” His gaze travelled down my body and I felt a stirring deep inside me that I couldn’t even attempt to ignore.
“Jake bought me a whole new wardrobe as soon as I left home. I wanted to forget the girl I used to be.”
“That’s a shame because I really miss that girl; I wouldn’t be able to forget her even if I tried.” He said sombrely.
“Callum…” I warned him, taking a step back.
“Bethany, you don’t have to say anything. I get it, I know you’re with Jake and I know that you love him. It’s just… I can’t help how I feel about you.”
“I have to go.” I shook my head and turned to walk away.
“Bethany, wait! I have to tell you something. I know you don’t want to hear it but you deserve to know the truth. I can’t risk losing you again and that’s why I’m going to be honest. I want you, Bethany. I’ve always wanted you. When we were in college I tried to deny my feelings, I didn’t want them to get in the way of our friendship and I knew you didn’t feel the same way about me.”
“It wasn’t that. I did feel something for you, Callum. It just never even crossed my mind that you could feel that way about me.” I confessed, wringing my hands together.
“And what do you feel now?” He spoke huskily and took hold of my hand.
“I-I don’t know! This is all so confusing.” I wailed, covering my face with my hands.
“The only reason this would be confusing is if you felt more for me than you’re choosing to admit.” He said solemnly, prising my fingers away from my face.
“I’m with Jake!” I exclaimed harshly.
“So? You can still have feelings for someone else and I think you do. A part of you is curious about me; you can’t help but wonder how it would be between us, can you? Tell me the truth, Bethany. If you feel anything for me at all… you need to tell me right now. No matter how insignificant it might seem, I need to know.”
“Ok, I admit it! I feel something for you. I also felt something for you the last time I saw you and that’s why I haven’t been in touch. I’m with Jake, we’re together and I can’t jeopardise my relationship with him for the development of a crush I hav
e on you.” I cried in frustration, wiping away my tears that had begun to fall.
“But it could turn into something more if you give me a chance. Don’t you realise how incredible we would be together? I can’t help myself; I lie awake at night and imagine what it would be like between us. What it would be like to be with you, to touch you and to be inside you.”
His arms made a circle around my waist and I could feel his heart beat against my chest as he pressed my body up against his.
“Callum!” I protested, pushing my hands against him.
“It’s true! I want you more than anything and that’s not about to change. We can take this nice and slow; I don’t want to pressure you into something you’re not ready for. You can text me or I can even phone you. I’ll meet you any time, any place. I’ll do whatever it is you want, Bethany. ”
“No.” I replied resolvedly, folding my arms across my chest.
“Why not?” He grasped my shoulders, shaking me.
“It wouldn’t work!”
“Why wouldn’t it?”
“Because I’m pregnant!”
The silence between us was excruciatingly painful. I hadn’t meant to blurt it out like that but Callum deserved to know the truth. I also thought he wouldn’t want anything more to do with me as soon as he found out about the baby. I thought it was a smart way of putting an end to the idea he had about us starting any sort of relationship.
“Is that the truth?” He sounded doubtful but still looked shell-shocked by my statement.
“Yes, I’m seven weeks pregnant.”
“Are you going to keep it?” He said bluntly.
“What kind of question is that?” I snapped harshly, ignoring the fact that I was in the middle of making such an agonising decision, a decision that was breaking my heart every single day.
“It’s a justifiable question, Bethany. Are you going to keep it?”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do. Jake really wants this baby; it will kill him if I choose to have an abortion...”
“What about you? What do you want?” He interrupted me, his piercing blue eyes saw right through me.
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