Always & Forever

by Crossley, Lauren

  “I don’t know what I want, I’m absolutely terrified, Callum. I don’t know what to do! None of this feels right, I feel like none of this should be even happening.” I wept, angrily wiping away my tears.

  “How long have you felt this way?” He asked gently, tilting my face up towards his.

  “Since I found out.” I admitted.

  “And you don’t think you’ll change your mind?”

  “I want to but I just don’t think I will.” I told him, crying tears that were uncontrollable. I couldn’t stop them and I knew there was no point in trying.

  “Come here.” He said softly, holding his arms out for me.

  I buried my face in his chest and clung onto him for dear life. It felt so good to be held, it felt so good to have my friend back again.

  “I’m so scared, Callum. What am I going to do?”

  “You have to do what’s best for you. It’s your body and that means it’s your decision.” He whispered, kissing the top of my head.

  “But it will kill him if I tell him I can’t have this baby.”

  “It will hurt him but he’ll stand by you and support your decision. He has to.”

  “You don’t know that. What if he can’t accept it? It will break his heart; you don’t know how badly he wants this baby.”

  “I know he’ll want you more.” He muttered gravely.

  I pulled away from him, terrified by the sudden inclination of my feelings.

  “I really have to go.”

  “Wait, at least let me give you my number. Even if you want nothing more from me than friendship, let me be there for you. I can help you through this; you can turn to me whenever you want.”

  “I don’t deserve a friend like you, not after everything I’ve put you through.” I meant every word; it astonished me that Callum still wanted to continue a friendship with me.

  “Of course you do, you deserve so much more than me and you certainly don’t deserve to be so miserable.”

  He trailed his finger down the side of my cheek and I inhaled sharply, his touch ignited something inside of me, something I had no right to feel.

  “It’s my own fault.” I murmured, remembering all the times Jake and I had been careless.

  “Listen; now that I know the truth… will you consider taking my number again? Jake doesn’t have to know and we don’t even have to meet, we can just text. I think you could really do with a friend right now and I know I don’t want this to be the last time we speak to one another.”

  “I don’t know.”

  I was full of doubt and had no idea what to do, I hated myself for being so uncertain and it almost felt like I was at war with my head and my heart.

  “Bethany, do you feel anything for me? Do you feel anything for me at all?” He touched my face and I struggled to ignore the fluttering sensation it brought me.

  “Yes! And that’s why this is a terrible idea.” I argued.

  “That’s all I need to know.” He said resolvedly.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’m not going to let you push me away again and I’m not taking no for an answer. You feel something for me and that’s all I needed to hear.”

  “But I love Jake!” I yelled, throwing my arms in the air.

  How many times did I have to say it? Yes, I was attracted to Callum but my newfound feelings for him didn’t even begin to compare to my relationship with Jake and what we have together.

  “I want you to know that it doesn’t mean anything if we exchange numbers.” I told him, fixing him with a stern look. “We’re friends and that’s all we’ll ever be.”

  “If you say so.” He responded calmly, as though he didn’t really believe me.

  “I do mean it, Callum. I’m with Jake and nothing you say or do is going to change that.”

  “Ok, fine. I get it.”

  His phone startled us both when it started to ring, he reached in his pocket and apologised to me before answering his call.

  “Hey, Luce.” He said casually.

  I glanced at him and narrowed my eyes. Luce? Who was that? Was she his girlfriend? He told me he was on his way to meet a friend and I couldn’t help but wonder if she was the one he was on his way to see. Jealousy twisted itself inside my chest and I struggled to control the urge I had to rip the phone out of his hand.

  “Yeah, I’m on my way now. I know I’m running a bit late but I won’t be much longer, ok? See you soon, bye.” He hung up the phone and smiled at me, I must have glowered back because he frowned and asked me if I was alright.

  “Who was that?” I asked coolly.

  “Oh, just a friend of mine, I was on my way to meet her when I bumped into you.”

  “I see.” I said it so serenely, folding my arms as though it weren’t a big deal.

  “Why? Are you jealous?” He grinned at me mischievously, causing his eyes to sparkle.

  “Of course not, why would I be?” I replied coldly, glaring at him because I knew he was right.

  At that point my own phone started to ring and I pressed my finger to my lips, telling Callum to be quiet.

  “Hello?” I answered, trying my best to sound carefree and untroubled.

  “Where the hell are you, Bethany? I just woke up to find you gone.” Jake snapped angrily.

  I turned my back on Callum in an attempt to keep some of my conversation with Jake from him.

  “Jake, calm down. I woke up early and realised we’d run out of milk, I’ve just popped out to the shop to get some.”

  I don’t know why but it felt like I was lying to him and I could sense Callum standing close behind me, listening to every word.

  “Why didn’t you wake me? I would have gone and got you some.” Jake said quietly, no doubt regretting his initial outburst.

  “I’m perfectly capable of going to the shop on my own.” I retorted.

  “You could have at least left me a note to tell me where you were.”

  I suppose he was right, I could have done that for him. I suppose I thought I would have got back before he woke up.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t think of that.” I confessed.

  “It’s ok. Just hurry home, baby.”

  “I will, I’ll see you soon.”

  “I love you.” He murmured sleepily.

  “I love you too.” I replied, picturing Jake in bed with his messed up hair and adorable smile. His eyes would still be tired but they’d be full of mischief, persuading me to join him.

  I instantly felt a pang of guilt for even speaking with Callum. I already started to regret my decision about us exchanging numbers.

  “So…” Callum cleared his throat and I spun around to face him.

  “That was Jake; I really have to be getting back.”

  “You’re not going to change your mind, are you?” He looked really nervous, as though he knew what I was going to say and was preparing himself for the worst.

  “No, I haven’t changed my mind.”

  I knew that it was the wrong decision as soon as I said it. If Jake ever found out about this it would kill him and I knew it would make me look incredibly suspicious if he found out I was keeping it a secret from him. Callum and I exchanged numbers but I made him promise me he wouldn’t contact me first. If he wanted to hear from me he would have to wait until Jake was at work or I had the flat to myself.

  “I’ll see you later, Bethany.”

  “Enjoy the rest of your day.”

  I forced a smile on my face as I imagined him meeting up with Lucy a few minutes later and the jealousy that ignited inside me. I had no right to be envious but knew there wasn’t anything I could do to try and control my mixed up emotions.

  “I meant what I said... I’ll definitely be seeing you.”

  He winked at me before he walked away. I watched him for a few moments, admiring the confidence in his gait and his whole demeanour. Why didn’t I seem to notice these things about him when we were in college? Why didn’t I appreciate what I could have had when I had
the opportunity and the freedom to pursuit it? I realised that it was too late for us now; I was with Jake and would never betray him or his trust.

  Regardless of what Callum had in store for us, I knew it was never going to happen. Not now, not ever. Even if there was a small, insignificant and inconsequential part of me that kind of resented the fact that it wouldn’t. I was in love with Jake and that’s all that mattered… at least that’s what I told myself.

  For the rest of the day I tortured myself over what happened with Callum. I was certain Jake would suspect something was wrong and catch me out. I even turned my phone off and hid it at the bottom of my bedroom drawer, I was probably being a little too cautious but I was really scared that Callum would break his promise and decide to contact me first.

  Jake and I stayed home the rest of the day, he was due at work later on that evening and both of us were still exhausted from the events that had taken place the night before. We spent most of the afternoon asleep on the sofa and then we watched a movie. I noticed that Jake would disappear with his phone throughout the afternoon, he’d step outside to answer a call or make one himself and I had no idea what he was trying to hide from me. He refused to explain anything to me when I asked him about it and this only made me more curious about what was going on.

  I knew Jake was still a little furious with me about keeping him in the dark. He was hurt and also livid that I’d tried to conceal from him what had really happened to me the night he rescued me. He couldn’t bear the fact that I’d been hurt and violated, it angered his soul and I couldn’t blame him for being resentful over my secrecy.

  Jake didn’t want to go to work that night, he was reluctant to leave me and I had to persuade him that I was perfectly fine to be left alone. The reason I really wanted Jake to go out was because I was desperate to phone Callum. The guilt was eating me up inside and I knew I had to put an end to it before it consumed me completely. I should never have given him my number and I despised myself for going behind Jake’s back. I was determined to phone Callum and explain that I just couldn’t do it, I could not jeopardize what Jake and I had for a friendship with someone who had made it clear that he wanted something more from me.

  I waited half an hour or so after Jake left for work and then snuck into the bedroom and retrieved my phone. I switched it on and went straight to Callum’s number; I hesitated for a moment before calling, trying to figure out what I was about to say to him. My hands were trembling as I waited for him to answer; I was so nervous and came close to hanging up the phone right before he answered.

  “Bethany, are you ok? I wasn’t expecting to hear from you so soon.”

  I paused as soon as I heard his voice. The unwanted and intrusive image of his gorgeous face flashed through my mind and I almost felt incapable of doing what I originally had planned.

  “I’m sorry.” I apologised, my doubt and uncertainty already had me second guessing my decision to phone him.

  “Don’t be sorry, I’m really pleased you called me.” He said brightly.

  “I actually phoned you because I realised we made a mistake. We shouldn’t have exchanged numbers today and I want to ask you not to contact me from now on.”

  There was an awful and prolonged silence at the other end of the phone. The tension between us was palpable and neither of us seemed to know what to say next.

  “Oh.” Callum whispered, clearly surprised and more than a little hurt by my admittance.

  “I’m really sorry, Callum. I don’t want to mess you around and I don’t want to be giving out mixed signals. I just can’t do it to Jake, I love him and keeping something like this from him would be wrong. I already feel guilty and I haven’t even done anything.” I tried to explain.

  “Exactly! You haven’t done anything wrong, Bethany. We were friends before you even knew he existed, why can’t we just go back to how things were?”

  “Because I know how you feel about me now and any friendship I try to have with you would have to take place behind Jake’s back. It’s not right and I don’t want to deceive him.”

  “Look, I do have feelings for you but I’ll respect your decision and your relationship with Jake if that’s what you want. Maybe it was wrong of me to be so honest with you but that doesn’t alter the fact that I really want to be your friend. I miss you and I know you need somebody to be there for you right now.”

  “I have Jake!” I wailed desperately, struggling to make a decision. In an ideal world it would be possible for me to be friends with Callum but I know more than anyone that an ideal world does not exist and Jake would never support any type of contact or relationship with Callum, even an innocent one.

  “You can also have me. I’m not asking you to choose, Bethany. I’ll accept the way things are if you tell me you want to be with him and I’ll be your friend. Don’t push me away again, I’m begging you.”

  He pleaded with me until I started to waver, he made everything seem so harmless and I started to wonder why I’d got myself into such a state.

  “I don’t know… I feel so guilty.” I confessed, holding my head in my hands.

  “Why do you feel guilty? You’ve done nothing wrong, we’re friends and I want to be there for you. If you need someone to talk to, someone who will listen or just someone who can make you forget… I’m here for you.” He said softly, soothing me with reassurance.

  “Ok.” I acquiesced.

  I knew it was pointless, Callum was persistent and a part of me really did want to reconcile our friendship. I missed the boy I used to know and I was so isolated since I’d left home. The only person I had was Jake, I thought it would be nice to have someone other than him to talk to. If Callum was really prepared to respect my feelings and relationship with Jake then I was also prepared to give him a chance.

  “You really mean it?”

  He sounded so optimistic; I could hear the anticipation and excitement in his voice. It made me smile and I began to reminisce about the old times Callum and I shared together. He always took care of me and promised to be there for me forever. It’s a shame I never stuck to the same promise I made him.

  “I mean it so long as you understand how things really are between us.” I told him firmly.

  “Baby, that’s great. You won’t regret this, I promise.” He assured me.

  “Callum, you can’t cal me that if we’re going to be friends. It’s not appropriate.”

  “I can’t even call you baby?” He asked incredulously.

  “Nope.”

  “Ok, I’ll try to stop. It just slips out.”

  “You have to promise me you won’t say it.” I said decidedly, knowing I’d have to be clear and concise about the way things would be between us.

  “Alright, alright, I won’t.” He said sulkily.

  “Good. I’m glad you agree.”

  I was smiling like an idiot by this time and was looking forward to the remainder of our phone call. There was so much I wanted to ask him, we had lost contact for a long time and really I wanted to reconnect with my old friend and find out how his life was going.

  “Bethany, I’m actually on my way out right now so I’m going to have to talk to you later, is that ok?”

  “Sure, that’s fine.” I said, trying to act casual. “Are you going anywhere nice?”

  “Just to the cinema and then out for meal afterwards, nothing special.”

  He was so blasé about it, as though it was no big deal. His indifferent attitude made me more suspicious and I couldn’t help but wonder if he was going out with Lucy, the same girl he spoke to on the phone earlier.

  “Sounds like a date.” I murmured, trying to feign indifference.

  “Maybe it is.” He replied humorously, enjoying my discomfort.

  “Oh, I didn’t realise I was holding you up. I’ll let you go get ready.”

  “You’re not; I wanted to talk to you. I’m just about to jump in the shower.”

  “Well, thanks for everything. I’ll be in touch.” I was ju
st about to end the call when he interrupted me.

  “Bethany, wait. Thanks for giving me a chance; I’ll make sure you won’t regret it and I want you to promise me that you’ll phone again?”

  “I will.” I assured him.

  “Great. Speak to you soon.”

  “Bye, Callum.”

  There was a knock on the door shortly after I ended my phone call with Callum. I froze, afraid and clueless as to whom it could be. Jake wouldn’t knock on the door, he would just let himself in and no one else knew we were here. I was so relieved we had a peephole and I was able to check to see who it was. I saw Jake’s sister Carla on the other side of the door and let her in straight away.

  “Carla, what are you doing here?” I was really surprised to see her and had no idea she had planned to come over.

  “Well, I knew Jake was working tonight and I felt bad for you stuck at home all by yourself, so I thought I’d come over and keep you company.” She had a bunch of DVD’s and chocolates bars in her hands, clearly prepared for a night of movie watching and junk food.

  “That’s so nice of you, come on in.” I opened the door for her before making my way into the kitchen to get us a drink.

  “Wow, this place looks so nice now. You’ve made it into such a nice home, all cosy and welcoming.”

  “It was Jake who got everything fixed up but I agree with you, it’s really homey.” I admit, handing her a glass of orange juice.

  “Thanks. I’ve actually been meaning to come over for a while but I wanted to make sure I gave you and Jake some time to settle in.”

  “Feel free to pop by whenever you want. I spend most of my evenings on my own whilst Jake is at work so don’t even hesitate next time you want to come over.” I said sincerely, sitting down beside her on the sofa.

  “Do you get lonely?” She asked, expertly reading my mind.

  “Sometimes, I’m also a little curious.” I revealed, playing with the tassels of the cushion on my lap.

  “About what?”

  “About downstairs and what it’s really like in the bar where Jake works.”

  “We can check it out if you want?” She offered, placing her empty glass on the coffee table.

  “We can’t do that.” I said firmly.