by Ali Parker
I laughed. “I wasn’t here for most of the project.”
“I know,” he said, standing up. “But you made that team what they are long before I stuck my hands in the mix. You gave them the systems and the skills to do what I’ve seen them do over the last month or so. That’s a huge deal, and you deserve just as much recognition.”
“I don’t need praise,” I said. “Just successful projects.”
“Well, you’re getting them,” he said. “So, are you ready to head over to the support group? It starts in about thirty minutes.”
“No.” I laughed. “I’m not ready at all, but I have to do it.”
“I’ll be there right next to you,” he said, rubbing my shoulders. “The whole time.”
“I know. And having you there through it all makes me feel a lot better.”
“Good,” he said. “We’ll grab some coffee on the way, okay?”
“Sure,” I said. “I’ll meet you at the elevator. I just want to say something to Dalton before I go.”
“Okay,” he said, kissing my forehead.
I walked out of the room, feeling dreadful having to start thinking about my mother again. It was a nice break not being forced to make decisions about her life, but it was time to start walking down that path again. I went to Dalton’s office and stuck my head in.
“Hey.” I smiled at him.
“Hey, girl,” he said. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”
“I know. It’s been crazy but good. You know?”
“Yeah,” he said. “I can see a change on your face. It’s a good change.”
“And now I have to face my mother all over again,” I sighed.
“Yeah, but this time you aren’t alone in it, and I’m proud of you for letting Elon in,” he said. “Besides, tonight my main man and I get to watch movies and be kids for a while.”
“Thank you for watching him.”
“No problem, girl,” he said. “You just better make me your maid of honor when you marry Mr. Handsome.”
“Oh lord.” I laughed. “I’ll see you tonight.”
“Mmhm,” he said, shooing me away.
I met Elon at the elevators, and we headed over to the support group, taking the seats in the back again. Several of the people from last time were there, but there were some new faces too. I sat and listened to everyone speak, feeling oddly disconnected this time until a new face got up. A woman, probably not much older than me, stood at the front, clasping her hands together, staring out at the crowd.
“My name is Mary,” she said. “I’m here to talk to you because I had to make the hardest decision a mother could ever make. I had to choose to take my son, only seven years old, off of life support. I will never say the decision came easily because I fought with it for over a year. I refused to let go of him. He was my life. One day, just a few days ago, I went to his room to talk and read to him like I always did, but this time, it was different. It was almost like I could feel him there with me, but not from his body all hooked up to machines. It felt like he was standing at my side, whispering to me that it would all be all right.”
Mary went on to talk about the experience, telling us how it felt to watch him go and how her heart was at peace for the first time since everything had begun. I could see a strength in her that I recognized in myself, and for the first time since my mother had been in the accident, I felt a sense of peace pass through me. I felt like I might actually be able to let my mother go. It was confusing to feel that out of nowhere, but it was almost as if my mother was sitting next to me, speaking through her.
When Mary was done talking, I clapped for her and sat there thinking about everything she had said. She was in the opposite situation than me, letting go of her child while I was the child letting go of my mother. Still, her words rang true in my heart. Elon took my hand, and we walked out together, but instead of going to the car, I walked him around to the courtyard where I sat when visiting my mother so many times. I hadn’t been there in the dark in a long time, and the fountain was lit up beautifully. I sat down on the stone bench and sighed, looking at Elon as he sat next to me. He took my hand in his and stared at the fountain, letting me be the first one to speak.
“I used to come here every day when my mother first came to the hospital,” I said. “There was something about the place that was so quiet, so peaceful, and I always thought about how my mother would have loved it here. Sometimes, I wonder if she isn’t here with me, not in that body upstairs but with me wherever I go, stilling my heart in times of worry and chaos.”
“I think she is,” he said. “I didn’t know her, but if you were close with her like Mikey is to you, then she will always be with you.”
“That woman touched me tonight,” I said, turning to him. “And I think I’ve decided it’s finally time to let my mother go. She’s been hooked up to those machines for a while now, and I now know she isn’t in there anymore. I need to let her go, to let her be at peace, and I know when she is, I will be too.”
“Come here,” Elon said, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me in close. “I’m proud of you for making that choice. I know this will be hard on you and hard on Mikey, but I’m here, and I will be here through it all for both of you. Sometimes, we find the answers to our questions in the strangest places or in complete strangers.”
“It’s so hard,” I whispered, tears flowing down my cheeks. “I really believed she would come back to us and that she was there, dreaming, resting, but that when she was ready, she would be by our sides again.”
“She is there,” he said. “Just not in the way you thought.”
“I wish you could have met her,” I said. “She would have loved you. She would have cooked for you every day and been there for us both when times got rough. She was a beautiful woman.”
He smiled. “And now I know that’s where you got it from. So, in a way, I am getting to know who she was.”
Chapter 63
Elon
Normally on Friday, I would be ready to go, knowing I was heading into the weekend. Today, though, was different, and the idea of going through the day Amanda was about to face broke my heart. I sat on the edge of the bed, my feet firmly planted on the cold wood floors, rubbing my face. The sun was hiding behind the ominous rain clouds outside, the weather mimicking the mood of the day. My mind wasn’t racing or even thinking very much, but my stomach felt like it was full of rocks. I got up and headed to the shower, taking my time under the hot water. It was summer in Chicago, but for some reason, everything felt icy and bitter.
Maybe it was the day or the fact that I loved Amanda so much, and there was nothing I could do to protect her from the pain she was in. It was a feeling of helplessness and loneliness that I couldn’t shake no matter how hard I tried. I had vowed to myself to protect this woman, keep her safe, but with this matter, it was out of my hands. I got out of the shower and put on a pair of slacks and a button-up shirt. I fixed my hair and stared at myself in the mirror for a moment, wishing I had been there when Amanda had woken up that morning. She shouldn’t have to go through a minute of this alone, but I couldn’t stay the night, and she insisted she would be okay.
I walked out to the kitchen and started the coffee maker, walking over to the window and looking out at the city. You could see the rain moving through the streets as it approached my block. Raindrops began to hit the glass, slowly trickling down in front of me. I shivered, turning and fixing myself a cup of coffee. I took it over to the table and looked at my watch, knowing I had to get going soon. The car wasn’t there yet, probably stuck in the Friday morning traffic. It was okay, though. It was giving me that last bit of time to get myself together so I could be there for Amanda and for Mikey. Mikey didn’t know what was happening yet. Amanda had felt it was better to break the news to him when it was over. He didn’t know she was on life support anyway, and I agreed it was better that way.
It was going to be one of the toughest days of my life, and it wasn’
t even my mother I was saying goodbye to. My mother had died when I was very young, and though I remember her dying, at the time, I hadn’t really understood. That had shielded me from a lot of the pain, but Tyler remembered vividly. I knew Amanda was going to struggle, that her heart was going to break over and over again. She was going to second-guess herself a million times, but in the end, she was going to have to say goodbye. And when she did, she was going to need me there, strong, ready to catch her when she fell. There was no way she would have been able to make that decision had we not come back into each other’s lives, and it felt good to know she put her faith in me to catch her.
Still, I hated the thought of it, the thought of watching the woman I loved be so overcome with grief. I didn’t know what to expect, and there really wasn’t anywhere I could turn for advice. It was what it was, and I was going to have to work my way through this like I had worked my way through everything else in life, one small step at a time. The most important thing was that I was there for Amanda, whatever she needed, whether it was a conversation or a shoulder to cry on. I would wrap my arms around her at every moment and just be there for her.
I stared out at the rain coming down, mustering my strength for the day. I tried to clear the clouds from my brain, needing to not be worried about anything else in life but her. For one day, at the least, I was going to be completely, one hundred percent focused on Amanda and her son. I was going to lend them any strength I had and hope it was enough to get them through. I looked over at my phone and thought about it for a second, trying to remember all the times with my mother. I picked up my phone and dialed my brother, needing to hear his voice for the first time in a long time.
“Hey,” he said. “You’re up early.”
“Yeah,” I sighed. “I have something pretty heavy to do today.”
“What’s up? What’s going on?”
“My girlfriend’s mother is on life support,” I said. “And today is the day she’s taking her off it.”
“I didn’t know you had a girlfriend,” he said. “And I’m sorry. I know how hard it is to lose someone you love like that.”
“Tell me about our mother, stories you remember from our childhood,” I said. “I want to feel close to her, to understand a little better what Amanda will be going through.”
“All right,” he said. “Well, our mother was a stay at home mom. She was happy all the time. I don’t ever remember her having a sad or angry face. Even when she would get on us boys for wrecking shit, she was kind and gentle. Every Sunday after church, while our father met with the deacons and the elders of the church, she would take us out for ice cream. We would never eat it at the shop, though. She would always walk us over to the park, and we would sit at a picnic table eating. She never got ice cream, and I found out later that she didn’t like it.”
“She didn’t like it?”
“I know.” Tyler laughed. “She was pretty much the only woman in the world not to like ice cream. But anyway, after we were done, she would clean us up and go play on the playground with us. I could remember her pushing each of us for what seemed like hours on the swings, laughing and singing songs with us. It really was a beautiful thing.”
“What was it like when she got sick?”
“I don’t really remember it,” he said. “I feel like one day she was smiling, standing in the kitchen baking something and the next day she was gone. Maybe I blocked it out or maybe she was sick a lot longer than we knew and just hid it really well. I remember afterward, staring at her picture and wishing I could hug her.”
“I remember being really little. I don’t even know how young,” I said. “And we were in the back of Dad’s old convertible, heading to the beach for the day. The three of us were in the back, Dad was driving, and Mom was in the front. She was wearing that white scarf with the strawberries on it so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by the wind. I can remember her looking back at me and smiling, the sun glistening off her cheeks. Dad was holding her hand tightly, and he had a sad look on his face.”
“Yeah,” Tyler said. “I remember that day. Gosh, I don’t know how I forgot about that. Then I do remember when Mom was sick. Dad played it off to us by carrying her out in the sand, saying the sand was too hot for her feet, but the reality was, she was too weak to walk out there on her own.”
“She still sat on that blanket and helped us build sand castles.” I laughed. “She never let on that she was in any kind of pain, not to us at least. Sometimes, I see her when I dream. She’s in the kitchen in the old house, cooking, wearing that pinstriped apron my dad got for her. She’s always smiling, and everything always feels so warm with her there.”
“That’s nice,” Tyler said. “I wish I dreamed about Mom. All I have are some fleeting memories and a couple of pictures stashed away in my luggage.”
“You take her with you?”
“I sure do,” he said. “She always told me my looks would get me far. Apparently, my looks are what dictate my career. I mean, I always was the handsome one of the group.”
“Right.” I laughed. “And I’m this hideous beast.”
“No, you’re not too bad looking,” he teased. “But hey, I have to get to this shoot. I’m really sorry your girl has to go through this. Hold her tight. She will get through it, but it’ll be hard for a long time.”
“Thanks, man. It was good to hear your voice,” I said. “Love you.”
“Love you, too, bro,” he said before hanging up.
I sat staring down at the phone, picturing my mother in my head. Now, I had a better understanding of what Amanda was going to be going through. I hadn’t spent my whole life with my mom, but that aching pain in my chest never went away. I stood up and grabbed my raincoat, and headed downstairs, getting a text from my driver. He met me at the door with an umbrella and walked me out to the car. I sat down inside and stared out at the city as we drove. The rain was falling hard, and there was barely anyone out on the streets. Those who were out ran for cover from their cabs and taxis. Thunder shuttered overhead, and chills ran up my spine as it seemed the weather was feeling the angst in the air.
When we got to the complex, the driver lent me his umbrella and waited outside for us. I ran into the building and closed the umbrella, shaking it off before heading upstairs. I knocked on the door, but there was no answer. I knocked again, thinking maybe she was in the shower, but when she didn’t come, I twisted the doorknob and found the door unlocked. I walked inside and propped the umbrella up against the wall, peeking around the corner into the empty living room. Mikey was already gone to school, and I was starting to think the place was empty. Then I heard the slide of a dresser drawer, so I walked back to Amanda’s room and stood in the doorway.
Amanda was rummaging through her dresser, throwing clothes on the floor, frantically looking for something. I watched her for a moment, seeing the strain and stress on her face. She looked up at me and paused before going back to digging.
“Are you okay? Did you lose something?” I asked.
“My mother’s necklace,” she said with panic. “She always wore this silver chain with one pearl at the end, and when she went into the hospital, I took it, and I put it in here. She has to have it. My father gave it to her. She would want to be wearing it when she … She would just want it.”
I could tell she was already starting to break down, so I walked over and pulled her in close to me, shushing her.
“Okay,” I whispered. “Let’s look again. Just take a deep breath. They won’t do anything until you get there, so you have time. I’ll help you look. Where do you keep your jewelry?”
“In that box over there,” she said, pointing at a jewelry box on the dresser.
I walked over and opened it up, staring right down at the necklace.
Chapter 64
Amanda
The rain had awoken me from my sleep that morning, and the entire time Mikey was there, I had been trying to hold it together. I didn’t want him to know what was go
ing on. I couldn’t send him to school with that thought on his mind, and I couldn’t take him with me. He didn’t need to watch his grandma pass. That was something even I knew would be burned into my mind for a long time. After he left, I got ready, and that was when I started to lose it. Elon wasn’t there yet, and I couldn’t seem to find the necklace my father had given my mother on their twentieth wedding anniversary. By the time Elon had arrived, I was in full panic mode, transferring my fear into complete chaos. He walked into the room and wrapped me up in his arms, immediately calming me.
“Okay,” he whispered. “Let’s look again. Just take a deep breath. They won’t do anything until you get there, so you have time. I’ll help you look. Where do you keep your jewelry?”
“In that box over there,” I said, pointing at a jewelry box on the dresser.
He walked over and opened it, peering down inside. He reached in and pulled the necklace out, holding it up in the air. In my frantic mind, I hadn’t even stopped and looked in there, the only place it would have actually been. I sighed and put one hand on the dresser, hanging my head.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I don’t know what came over me. I didn’t even look in there.”
“It’s all right,” he said sweetly, walking over and laying it in my hand. “We found it, and that’s all that matters. Would you like me to make you a cup of coffee before we go?”
“No,” I said. “They’ll be waiting for me to sign papers, and I need to do this before Mikey gets out of school. Granted, Dalton is picking him up and taking him out for ice cream to give me more time, but still.”
“Will Dalton be there?”
“No,” I said, shaking her head. “He’s bad with these things, and since you’ll be there, I told him he didn’t need to come. There won’t be a lot of time anyway. It’s over pretty quickly.”
“Right,” he replied, watching me stare out the window.