by Tessa Marie
Her eyes widen and a smile extends straight across her face. She bounces then lets out a loud gasp.
“Do you like the surprise?”
She doesn’t answer with words. Doesn’t have to. She tosses her arms around my neck and practically tackles me off my chair.
The reaction is everything I expected and more.
When Luke showed me those Paramore tickets I almost flipped a gasket. I was so excited. Then of course panic mode set in because what if he got the tickets on one of the nights where Mom has to work? There would have been no way in hell I’d be able to go. Thankfully, he got them for a day Mom’s home. She’s on call, but she has yet to be called in on a Saturday so I’m not concerned.
After calling Becky and filling her in on every detail, we decide on my outfit. The Paramore t-shirt she got me last year when I couldn’t go with a dark pair of jeans and my black converse sneakers.
This will be our first official date. I won’t have to worry about getting home to take Brady either. After a lot of begging and pleading, Mom said she’ll watch him till curfew. She’s finally coming around to the idea of me being with Luke. Though she still thinks I should keep the truth about Brady to myself.
Most of the time I feel guilty for making her stay with him, especially on days when she can actually do something. She doesn’t mind though. At least she says she doesn’t.
On Saturday I won’t allow the guilt to consume me. I’m going to think about Luke and only Luke.
Since last night, visions of Luke pop in and out of my mind, followed by chills beginning at my inner thighs and working their way up my neck.
I’ve been thinking about taking it to the next level a lot lately. Even though we haven’t been together for a long time it still feels like we have. Every time his lips trail down the contour of my neck I want to allow him to go further. I want to pull my shirt over my head and just go for it, but the fear of him seeing my stomach is enough to keep my shirt on.
Mom’s going to work tonight, and we’ll basically have the house to ourselves. Brady’ll be in bed by eight, with any luck, which gives us a ton of time together. Just the two of us.
Maybe if the lights are off I won’t think about my stomach too much. Luke wouldn’t be able to see anything anyway.
Brady splashes in the sink as I give him a bath. Ever since Luke showed up unexpectedly with movies and popcorn he’s been coming over every night after Mom leaves for work. Mom doesn’t know, and I’d like to keep it that way. She might be coming around to the idea of him, but I’m not going to push it.
When I’m not thinking about taking it to the next level with Luke I’m thinking about how maybe I should let him go. Even though it’s the last thing I want. Tears well in my eyes at the thought, but I’m being selfish. There’s no way I can deny that. I’m keeping a huge part of my life from him and I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to tell him the truth.
He tells me everything. I know all about his dad, his past relationships, the ridiculous feud with Roxy, his mom and how he feels for me. From the very beginning he swore to be honest, and I repaid his honesty with lie after lie.
I towel Brady off and change him into his pajamas then place him on the floor with his T-rex toy. Toys from earlier are scattered about the living room so I pick them up and place them back where they belong.
“Eh!” Brady points to me.
“What is it, sweetie? What do you want? You want Mommy to pick you up? Come here.” I scoop Brady up and spin a circle with his stomach resting on my arms as if he’s Superman flying through the air. Giggles swirl around us as the spinning comes to an end. “I love you.” I shower his cheek with kisses.
With Brady on my hip I move to the counter and get his bottle ready. His bedtime is soon, and Luke will be here any minute. This is the best part of my day. I get to spend time with my son alone, and then the anticipation of Luke coming over puts the cherry on top.
As soon as the bottle’s in Brady’s mouth I hear Luke’s knock. He always knocks twice, waits a second and then knocks twice again. I shift Brady and let him hold the bottle himself before opening the door.
“Hey beautiful,” Luke says, leaning in to kiss me on the cheek. “Hey, little man. Getting ready for bed?”
“Yes, he is, and then I’m all yours.”
“I can’t wait.”
In the living room Brady takes forever to finish his bottle. It’s obvious he’s fighting sleep. I rock him in my arms and the bottle falls from his mouth. I catch it before it hits the ground.
“Mama.”
My eyes widen. My pulse kicks into overdrive, and my head spins trying to process my biggest fear. I hate that the word I couldn’t wait to hear, that brought tears of happiness to my eyes, now causes body numbing dread.
I can’t move. My body is frozen, too scared to look at Luke. How stupid am I? What made me think he wouldn’t say Mama in front of Luke?
I try to keep the fear from my eyes. The panic from my laugh.
“See, I told you you’re a good sister. He’s calling you Mama.”
The terror drains from my body and I do everything to keep from letting out a sigh of relief. “Yeah look at that. It’s crazy, huh? But he even calls the mailman ‘Mama’ so it doesn’t mean anything.” And the lies keep going. How much longer can I do this? Brady’s going to start talking soon and then I won’t be able to hide it. I position the bottle back into Brady’s mouth.
I search my brain for anything to get the conversation as far away from this one as possible. “I got called on to read in English today, but I forgot my book. So I had to look with Travis.”
“I’m surprised he had his.” Luke takes the bait, and I let out a sigh of relief on the inside.
Brady finishes his bottle while Luke and I continue to talk about everything that happened throughout the day. Brady’s eyes get droopy and I go to bring him to his room, but just like every night before, Luke stops me.
“I got him.”
“You sure?”
“It’s our bonding time. It’s a guy thing. You wouldn’t understand,” he says with a wink.
The way Luke takes Brady into his arms so effortlessly, so naturally, puts a smile on my face. He hands me the empty bottle and disappears down the hall.
I leave them to their bonding and go into the kitchen. As the water hits the bottle and beads up, I wonder if the truth wouldn’t make things much different than they are now. The only thing that’ll change is the fact I’m not Brady’s sister, but his mother. How can Luke not accept that? He’s putting my son to bed, and I can hear him singing. I can’t imagine he’d walk away from us.
I’m going to tell him. Not tonight, I have big plans for tonight, but soon. Very soon. Maybe things are meant to work out for me after all.
“He’s asleep.”
I turn to Luke leaning against the doorframe. His t-shirt pulls tight across his biceps and those gorgeous blue eyes of his sparkle.
“It was probably your singing that did it.”
“You heard that?”
“Yeah, I heard that,” I say, tugging on the front of his shirt, drawing him closer to me so I can kiss him. “You have a great voice.”
“Is that so?” His lips brush mine as he talks, and then closes over them before I can say another word. My hands immediately run up his stomach and then meet around his neck, only to separate through his hair. The ground beneath me disappears as Luke wraps his hands around my thighs and lifts me. I hook my legs around his waist, pulling myself into him. He presses my back against the wall and I push into him.
His hands move down my body, leaving a path of goose bumps in their wake until coming to a rest on the bottom of my shirt. And we’re here again. This time I don’t freak out. I allow him to tug at the material, lifting it up over my head.
And here I am. Shirtless. My stomach completely on display. He stops kissing me and pulls away, looking my body up and down. My heart, which seconds ago was racing seems to have stopped. Luke is l
ooking at my stomach. My biggest insecurity is right in front of his eyes and it’s only been seconds but it feels like hours. I’m about to jump out of his arms, grab my shirt and hide in my room when his hand trails up my bare stomach and stops on my jaw.
“You’re beautiful,” he whispers, and before he can kiss me, I kiss him. Taking his face in my hands, capturing his lips with mine, putting all I have into every thrust of my tongue and press of my lips.
The wall leaves my back, replaced by Luke’s strong arms, only to be swapped out for the soft plush cloth of the couch. Luke lowers himself on top of me. I pull back, his face in my hands, so I can look at his beautiful blue eyes. I’m really going to do this. I thought I would be scared, especially after what happened the last time I allowed myself to get here, but after looking into Luke’s eyes I know everything is going to be okay.
“Are you sure about this?” he asks, his hand reaching for his wallet. I’m about to answer absolutely, when a loud cry comes from down the hall. I wait a second, assuming Brady just opened his eyes for a minute to let out a squeal, and will go right back to sleep. But when the crying turns into full on shrieking I know that’s not the case.
“You want me to go?” Luke asks.
“I’ll go. I just need to find my shirt.”
“In that case stay here, I got it.” Luke disappears into the hallway. I search for my shirt so I can go see if Brady is okay, but his crying dies down and I trust Luke. Being left alone on the couch I find myself looking down at my stomach, and it’s like I’m seeing it for the first time. The horrible jagged lines that have haunted me and triggered so many insecurities really aren’t that bad. I run my hand over them once then cross my arms over my chest. They may not be as bad as I always thought, but they’re still there.
In the kitchen I find my shirt crumpled on the floor beside a chair. The wall causes flashes from moments ago which only make me wish we weren’t interrupted. All of my confidence begins to dwindle. I yank my shirt back on and when my head pops through the neck Luke’s in the doorway.
“Is he okay?”
“He’s fine.”
“Are you sure? Maybe I should go check on him.”
“I promise you, he’s fine.”
And because I trust him, I take his word for it. “So where did we leave off?” I ask, stepping toward him, my shirt not fully pulled down. I know my stomach’s exposed, but I leave it, no longer that ashamed of my body. I kiss Luke and instead of the passion fueled kiss I’m expecting, he makes it short.
“I think we should slow down.”
“What? Why?”
It’s my body. He had a minute to take it in and walk away and now he’s disgusted by what he saw. I tug on the hem of my shirt, wishing it was longer. His hand brushes my cheek and then he lifts my chin with his thumb until he is looking directly in my eyes.
“Hailey, I don’t want to treat you like I’ve treated other girls, because you’re not other girls. I want to take things slow. I can’t even believe I’m saying this because my God I want you so bad. But you’re different, special and I don’t want to rush it.”
I run my hand through my hair, tucking the length of it behind my ears. “I guess.”
“What’s the matter?”
“You sure it has nothing to do with me?” I ask, my voice no more than a whisper.
“Trust me, I want to pick up where we left off, but by doing that I’m walking the path I always take. For once I want to take the path less traveled, and I want to take that path with you. Only you.”
“Really?”
“Absolutely. I guess you’re my exception.” He pulls me tight against his chest and his lips on my forehead ease my insecurities.
“Like the song.”
He nods then laughs. “That was always my least favorite song by them, but I listened to it the other day and I realized something.”
“What’s that?”
“I didn’t hate it at all. I just didn’t understand it. Until now.”
Heat rushes through me, warming my entire body and turning my heart into a blazing inferno of happiness.
“So what about a movie?” he asks.
“Sounds perfect.”
Concert day. I’m finally going to see Paramore. I’m going to see Paramore with Luke only four rows away from the stage. How awesome is that? The day cannot go fast enough. Luckily I have last night to think about to pass the time. It also helps I have a baby who has been sucking my energy levels right out of me today.
So far Brady has spit up on me, unraveled all of the toilet paper on the holder in the bathroom while I did my hair, smacked a cup filled with water out of my hand, and took my underwear from the clean clothes I folded and put them on his head.
“Mom, can you watch Brady for two minutes while I iron?”
“Sure, bring him in here,” she calls out from the kitchen.
I hold Brady’s hands and let him lead the way. He’s getting better at walking, but he still prefers to crawl. I place him in the playpen Mom has set up in the kitchen.
“So I think I’m going to tell Luke about Brady.” I hear whatever utensil Mom’s holding clink into the sink. She turns and looks at me, and I wish she’d at least hide the surprise a bit.
“How do you think he’ll take it?”
“I kind of think he might be okay with it. He’s come over a few times at night so we can work on homework.” She doesn’t need to know the details. “And he’s good with Brady. When he cries he checks on him for me and he’s put him to bed. Gives him his bottle.
“Hailey, I don’t like that you’re having boys over when I’m not here.”
“Mom, it’s not boys, it’s Luke. And besides, I was dumb enough to get pregnant once, I’m not going to make the same mistake again.”
Mom holds her hands up and leans against the counter. “Okay. I trust you.”
“Thank you.”
“So are you telling him tonight?”
“Not tonight. Tonight’s about the concert. Soon though, I can’t keep lying. Last night Brady called me Mama in front of him.”
“What? How did you play that off?”
“Awkwardly, but he fell for it.”
“I guess it’s time then even if I’m not sure how I feel about it.”
“It is. I’m just going to get dressed. I’ll be right back.”
I dance around my room as I pull my shirt on. Once my sneakers are tied, I head out ready to go. I go back to the kitchen to take Brady for a few more minutes before I have to leave him.
In the kitchen Mom has the phone in one hand and her forehead in the other.
“Mom, what’s the matter?”
“They’re shorthanded at work, and since I’m on call tonight…”
No! No! No, no, no! Not tonight, Mom! My heart plummets to the floor and it takes all I have not to collapse with it. Shock and disappointment strangle me, making it impossible to speak.
“But…it’s not fair,” I say even though those aren’t the words I wanted to come out.
“Hailey, what am I supposed to do? I can’t say no. I need this job. We need this job.”
I know we do and as much as I like to think my paycheck helps contribute to the bills, it’s nothing compared to Moms. If only I could do more. Mom wouldn’t have to work so hard. Anger burns my eyes and frustration seeps through my veins.
“Why did you answer the phone?” I scream no longer able to control my anger.
“I’m on call; I have to answer. I’m sorry. What else do you want from me? I work nights so you can go to school during the day. On my days off I let you go out and I stay home with your son. I put food on the table and a roof over your head. I’m doing the best I can here.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. I appreciate everything you do for me. I do.” Tears swell in my eyes because I know no matter what I say or do Mom has to go to work and I have to tell Luke I can’t go to the concert with him.
“I’m sorry, Hailey. I am. I know how much you we
re looking forward to this.”
“It’s okay, Paramore isn’t going anywhere. I’ll see them one day.” Mom kisses me on the forehead before heading to her room to change. She could make her life easier if she just kept that uniform on. It seems she’s never out of it and I know it’s because of me. We were fine when it was just me and her but now, with the added expenses of Brady, any chance at making extra money is something she can’t pass up.
“Hals, I am so sorry,” Mom says as she walks out the door and heads to her car. With Brady on my hip we wave goodbye. Just as Mom pulls out, Luke pulls up.
Instead of letting him come inside I meet him halfway up the stone path that leads to the driveway. He isn’t in his usual t-shirt and hoodie. He has dark denim jeans on and a black button up long sleeve shirt. It’s loose fitting but just tight enough around his arms to reveal his sculpted muscles. God he looks good, and I know it’s for me.
“Where is your mom going?”
I swallow the lump in my throat and force the words out. “She got called into work.”
Luke’s gorgeous blue eyes darken and his jaw tightens. He runs a hand over his face before he speaks. “Let me guess. She got called into work and she left you with Brady and now you can’t go.”
On the brink of crying, I look away from him.
“Why is Brady your responsibility, Hailey? Maybe your mom should stop expecting so much from you. She shouldn’t have had him if she couldn’t handle it.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” My eyes burn as I fight back the tears, trying to force their way out. I can’t believe the words coming out of his mouth.
“You’re losing out on what are supposed to be the best years of your life. You should be able to go out when you want without having to worry about babysitting.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“And why not? Why can’t it be that easy?” The anger in Luke’s tone only makes me angry myself.
“Because he’s my responsibility.”
“But he’s not.”
“Yes, Luke, he is.” I look down at Brady and then back at Luke. The words sour on my tongue, I can’t spit them out fast enough. “He’s my son.”