Her face fell, and Joshua’s euphoria deflated. He’d seen enough plans go awry at the first step that he wasn’t throwing in the towel, but he pictured her reaction being more congratulatory and less broken-hearted. Maybe, like his dad said, they needed time. They’d kissed. It wasn’t a proposal.
Nothing in their relationship was solid. They had to build it. They could forget the kiss happened. Or she could forget, and he would pretend. Because he was never going to forget. In fact, even more than running to the home improvement store and buying a lawn mower, he wanted to kiss her again and twice as thoroughly as before.
From the look of disappointment on her face, a romantic interlude wasn’t an option. His lips might never touch hers again, and the loss unsettled him worse than putting down roots ever had. He searched for something to erase the distraught look from her face.
Sidney studied the facade, her arms crossed and her hands clutching her elbows. Her words were tight, like she tiptoed over glass shards. “Congratulations. I’ve always wished for something better for this house.”
This conversation wasn’t going the direction he imagined. His hopeful balloon sank faster than the Titanic.
“Have you toured it?” he asked, desperate to regroup and focus on his goal. Would her reactions match those he imagined? If they did, the house would always feel empty without her.
“I haven’t.” She gazed longingly at the front porch. “I’ve heard it’s in rough shape.”
“Come and see.” He gestured toward the house, wanting to put his hand on the small of her back to guide her up the steps, but he kept his distance. He was on shaky ground as it was. His wishes were blowing faster than tires on a bed of nails.
A red convertible zoomed passed on the street as he worked the key in the front lock.
“Missy,” Sidney grumbled and waved. “I wonder what she will come up with from this. She was certainly fishing for details she could string together into something after she saw your truck in my driveway.”
“Now she has another option for her dog droppings, I guess.”
Sidney laughed. “I’m sure she thought the same thing.”
“Speaking of which, what are you going to do about the last canoe race?” He prayed she’d ask for his help.
“Everyone’s been asking me. The shop has been swamped. I spend so much time measuring customers and taking orders, I don’t have time to sew. I think everyone asks as a way to get more dirt on my breakup.”
Joshua winced as he finally got the lock to release, and he added ‘call a locksmith’ to his growing list of home ownership duties. Asking about Colin hadn’t been his motive. He was hinting for an invitation to be her partner, but she didn’t take the bait. Instead, she’d lumped him in with the rest of the inconsiderate busybodies in the town. He pounded his fist against the stuck door, and it creaked open. She’d probably prefer someone who could swim anyway. “I don’t know if I’ve said it, but I’m sorry you and Colin didn’t work out.”
“You are?” Disbelief etched her voice. She stepped into the entry way.
“No, but it seemed the polite thing to say.”
She finally looked at him. Her mouth quirked as it fought a smile. Her eyes held a mystery of questions he wasn’t prepared to answer.
Time, he reminded himself. They both needed it.
She peered around the entry, taking in the dinged up wood floors, cracked plaster, and faded paint. “It’s exactly as I imagined.”
Joshua snatched a cobweb out of the doorway to the living room and wiped it on his pants. “It’s been empty for a while and needs a lot of work, but I’m excited about bringing out its charm.”
“Really, Mr. Free-Spirit, you’ll-never-get-me-off-the-road?”
“I know.” Joshua felt a smile growing on his face. The sun shone through the doorway behind her, and Sidney looked exactly as he imagined her. The picture shot straight to his gut. He cleared his throat and headed toward the kitchen. Knowing the bungalow would only be perfect if she lived there wasn’t a good thing. He might not survive the wait. “The kitchen needs all new appliances,” he said, even though it was obvious from the gaps between the counters and the grungy squares on the linoleum.
Sidney moved directly to the sink and peered through the grime-smeared window to the back yard… as if she checked on the kids playing while she washed dishes.
He mentally kicked himself. He had to stop. He couldn’t picture her in every room of the house and then live here without her.
“I think you should do the last race. You have a good shot at winning the trip.”
“I don’t have a partner.” She leaned her back against the sink.
“I—” Joshua started, but she cut him off. “No, I can’t ask you. I’ve taken advantage of you too much already.”
“I’d be happy to do it. You don’t even have to take me on the trip. Take your sister.” He kicked himself. As much as he wanted to beg for her to take advantage of him in any way she could imagine, he’d jumped too quickly. Time, he reminded his pounding heart. Too fast and he could lose her forever.
Sidney studied her sandal. She met his gaze and smiled sadly. “It wouldn’t be fair.”
And Joshua knew they were talking about something else. About the waiting room. About them. About the future. It burned his throat to get the words out. “The timing isn’t right.”
She nodded. “I can’t tell you how much I wish this was different. Easier or something.” Muscles around her lips trembled, and she blinked. Eyelashes fluttered to ease away the moisture forming in her eyes.
He wanted to drop to his knees and beg her to marry him and fill this dusty old house with all the memories they could, but her heart wasn’t in it. Had he misread everything between them? Had he read more into the compassion she showed than she intended? He wanted to argue, but she knew more about this love stuff than he did. She had to be right.
A clean break would be better. Completely separate their lives rather than continually ripping the bandage off the sticking wound. His balloon of hope popped, scattering bits of latex, much like what remained of his heart. “I can’t be…”
“I know.” She smoothed her hand over the edge of the sink, then pushed away from it.
He wanted her to know he understood. That it hurt, but he understood. At a different time and in a different place, they would have been perfect. Right now every piece of the puzzle was wrong. He closed his eyes trying to assemble the words into a meaningful order.
The floor creaked under her feet as she ran out the front door.
Chapter Twenty-three
Sidney peeled off her sweat-soaked tank top and threw it toward the laundry hamper. It caught the edge and dangled off the outside. The tour around the lake in her canoe had awakened muscle memories that refreshed her. Rejuvenation by exercise wasn’t something she had taken much time for this summer. She’d hoped the paddling would clear her mental fog as well, but she couldn’t get Joshua off her mind. Had she made the right choice by calling a halt to things before they went too far?
Slowing things down had seemed like a good idea yesterday. After her tour around the lake, her brain agreed, but her heart ached.
At the beginning of the summer, she had been so gung-ho to win the trip to the San Juan Islands, practicing every night and studying brochures for the trip. Maybe she had considered the trip a consolation prize for marrying Colin. She snorted. A week of fun for a lifetime of mediocrity was a pretty poor exchange.
When she pictured the trip, she imagined standing beside Joshua on the ferry crossing to the islands, hiking the trails with him, maybe even sighting an orca. She grabbed a towel and wiped the sweat off her shoulders. Except if she entered the final race and won, would Joshua be in the picture now that she’d told him to skedaddle?
Her tour of the lake this evening reminded her how much she loved canoeing. The gentle rock of the craft as it drifted over the water soothed her agitation. Did she want to do the race? She found her answer amb
ivalent. She loved to race. She would love to beat Missy, but she didn’t have a partner and couldn’t ask Joshua now. He’d surely retract his previous offer. They’d warped their emotions with all the stresses they’d been through.
The memory of him paddling teased her. Muscles rippling in the sun, dunking in the water despite his fear. What had she done? Her fear of misreading him as she had Colin made her jump in the wrong direction. She had to talk to Joshua again, deliver the right message this time. After she cleaned up.
Sidney was about to crank the faucet for the shower when the doorbell rang. Tiptoeing through the living room, she hoped she could ignore the visitor. Her mission to undo the damage she’d done with Joshua was imperative. She needed to make it clear they needed to take things slowly. When he’d shown her the house—her dream house, no less—her brain had leapt to marriage, and she panicked.
She peeked through the leaded glass on the door. The frosty etching obscured the person’s identity, but there was no doubt from the silhouette it was Penny.
Penny’d probably heard—or seen, more likely—Sidney come home and wouldn’t leave until she had her say. Whatever that was. Sidney wasn’t aware of any new developments on the Colin and Missy front. She didn’t care one way or the other, but knew Penny wouldn’t keep her in suspense for long.
Sidney undid the chain and opened the door. Penny barreled in. “How was the lake?”
“Hot.” Sidney swiped her towel around her neck and shoulders.
“It’s a scorcher. I’ve been sprawled in front of the air conditioner. I wanted to check on your window unit. Make sure it’s working.”
Sidney barely contained her chuckle. “Penny, you don’t need an excuse to come up and say hi.” Sidney suspected Penny wanted to do a lot more than say hello and check on the air conditioner. It wasn’t like Penny to dawdle around her topic. At this rate, Sidney wouldn’t get her shower before midnight.
“I just got home. I haven’t even switched it on yet.” Sidney went over to the unit and punched the power button. The machine chugged and gurgled as it normally did. “It’ll take a minute to shoot out cool air, but I think it’s working fine.” She had to shout as the fan rattled to life.
“Well, good.” Penny smoothed a pinkish, sweat-soaked curl away from her face. “Didn’t want you to roast tonight.”
Sidney nodded. She would be doing a lot better once she could wash off the sweat and straighten things out with Joshua. If Penny could get to the point… “What’s up?”
Penny dropped her arms to her side and slumped into the over-stuffed chair positioned directly in front of the air conditioner’s output. Sidney retrieved a couple bottles of water from the refrigerator and handed one to Penny.
Penny unscrewed the cap. Taking a long drink, she sighed. “That hits the spot.”
Sidney took a drink from her own water. She shoved a refashioned T-shirt project to the side of the love seat and prepared to plop on the cushion.
“Joshua left,” Penny said.
Sidney hit the floor. Hard. Her water splashed into her face. Penny’s statement was not anywhere in the realm of what she expected to hear. “He what?”
“Hooked up the trailer and drove off this morning.” She fluttered her hand to simulate the truck heading off down a bumpy road.
Penny waited until eight in the evening to tell her this? How could she stand holding the news in? That had to be torture. “But —” Sidney sputtered. She levered her sore bum off the floor and onto its originally intended seat. She couldn’t wrap her head around it. “He was supposed to start his new job next week. Was there a bad storm somewhere?”
“My thought exactly, but nothing made the television. And the house… he closed yesterday. He was settling down.”
“Did Buck get bad news?” What a dumb question. Joshua wouldn’t ditch Pine Bottom if Buck needed him.
That left… She rewound their conversation from yesterday. Joshua had seemed enthused about the house. Well, at least, until she put the kibosh on whatever was between them and dashed out the door. His leaving town didn’t make sense. Hadn’t they agreed?
He hadn’t said so. She couldn’t remember the expression on his face because she’d been too scared to look.
Penny shook her head. “The opposite. The chemo did its job.”
She couldn’t imagine Pine Bottom without him here. She’d expected to bump into him at the grocery store or the park, and maybe when she was ready, when the time was right…
Who was she kidding? She wouldn’t bump into him. She’d driven him out of town. Even a house, job, and family couldn’t keep him here. She hadn’t asked him though. She’d pushed him away at every turn. What right had she to expect any commitment from him after puking on him, kissing him, and abandoning him? It was a wonder he stuck it out as long as he did.
“Maybe he thought he wasn’t needed around here anymore, or maybe he had to finish some things up with his old position before he starts the new one.” Sidney toyed with a scrap of T-shirt as she speculated.
“So he didn’t talk to you before he left?”
Sidney was going to assume that by ‘before he left’ Penny meant this morning, not yesterday afternoon, a time so long ago any myriad of things could have driven Joshua from Pine Bottom. Missy could have left a grocery bag full of dog poo on his doorstep, and he’d finally had enough. Her head argued for that option, though her heart countered it was unlikely. Her heart whispered he left because he cared. Her head warned her not to get her hopes up.
“Did you two have a falling out?”
They would have had to have a falling in to qualify for a falling out. Not that she wanted to confide any of the details with Penny as aunt-like as she was. Problem was, she was Joshua’s aunt too. “No, things are the same as they’ve always been. We’re friends.”
Penny’s eyebrows shot up. “But you broke up with Colin.”
“Not because of Joshua though.”
Penny leaned forward. “But what I heard about the hospital?”
Penny’s face dropped. Her mouth moved, then stopped. She scanned her knees as if she’d found a profound message written in the creases of her skin. “Well that’s that, then.”
Sidney jerked her head toward Penny. It couldn’t be that simple. Penny wasn’t one to let a bone drop without gnawing it through and sucking every bit of marrow from it. Had something happened to shake Penny’s fortitude? At this point, Sidney would take it. This summer had been a rough ride, and she was ready for a breather.
The arguments between her heart and her head were torment enough. One chided she was too late, she’d missed her chance. The other hinted maybe Joshua cared more than he let on. That side also needled that perhaps she cared more than she was prepared to admit. Her head countered, how could she be in love with Joshua so soon after Colin?
Penny stood. “Glad your air conditioner is working. I don’t want you roasting up here.”
Now Penny was angry with her too. She’d mucked everything up. Sidney followed Penny to the door. “Please don’t be upset with me.”
“Oh honey, I’m not. I just know when my time for prodding is done.” Penny waved and descended the stairs, leaving Sidney with the cold blasting her back and the sun scorching her front. Neither direction had any appeal.
****
Joshua yanked his vibrating phone off his belt as he surveyed the field office they’d set up at the high school. Half of the town had been destroyed by a tornado, and a hundred people were sheltering in the gymnasium. They had counselors and cooks working twenty-four seven since about five hours after the tornado struck. The relief center was taking shape, but there was still a lot of work to do. He checked the phone display, his boss, Nathan Barnes.
This should be fun, he thought sarcastically. Nathan would ask all kinds of questions about how Joshua arrived at the site so quickly. Joshua knew the answers; he just didn’t want to admit them, not to his boss and not to himself. He pressed the accept button and answered the c
all.
“How’d you get out there so fast? We hadn’t assembled a team yet, and you were already calling in trucks.” Nathan’s voice came over the line loud and clear and more than a bit mystified.
Joshua struggled with an excuse he could present to a boss because running away from a woman wasn’t going to cut it.
“I saw some chatter on a tornado chaser forum and knew we’d be needed. I was thinking about taking a little trip anyway, so I headed out.” In truth, he’d been four hours from home when the storm hit. He’d taken one of the off-the-beaten-path routes instead of the interstate and was only twenty minutes from the wounded town when he’d stopped for a bite to eat and to check his email. Who knows why he thought his email needed attention. No one but his dad knew he’d left town, and he wasn’t exactly the email type.
His dad was more the give-him-an-earful-to-his-face type. Which he’d done while Joshua packed the trailer and hooked it up to his truck. Joshua had tried to ignore the questions his dad had bombarded him with as he’d stowed gear and stuffed his clothes in the drawers. His dad stood in the narrow doorway between the bedroom and the living area, blocking his escape.
“Why are you leaving?” he’d grumped.
“I can’t stay where I don’t belong.” Joshua wadded a T-shirt into the drawer and jammed it shut. Without Sidney, living in a house was as terrifying as allowing water to wash over his head. His chest tightened, and he wanted to flail, anything to reach open air where he could breathe.
“Hardly five hours ago, you couldn’t wait to sign the papers on that house.” Buck settled at the kitchenette booth and ran his thumbnail along a crack in the countertop.
“It was the wrong decision, Dad. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“Is this about Sidney?”
As much as he wanted to keep his cards close to his chest, the question caused him to pause. He scratched his fingernail against the edge of the drawer and sighed.
“It’s—” he couldn’t describe it. How could he tell his dad he tried offering his heart and she rejected it?
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