Heroics for Beginners

by John Moore

  The moment they left, Laura burst into tears.

  This was followed by an exchange of hugs with her father and an emotional reunion that Becky thought was very sweet and Kevin thought could have been put off until a more appropriate time. Finally, Mercredi said, “What are you doing here? I told you to stay in school.”

  “I was trying to help you.”

  “What sort of help is this? I’m only doing this for your safety.”

  Laura pouted. “You’re always telling me what to do. You never let me make my own decisions.”

  “Of course not, when you keep making dumb decisions like this.”

  Laura’s voice rose. “Don’t call me dumb!”

  Mercredi’s voice also rose. “I didn’t call you dumb. I said you made a dumb decision. You should have stayed in school. Do you know how much I’m paying per semester to put you into a nice safe school?”

  “A fat lot you cared about that school! Did you ever come to any of my field hockey games? No, not even when I was captain of the team.”

  “How could I come to a hockey game? I’m being held prisoner in an Invincible Fortress, forced to work for an Evil Overlord!”

  “You always have an excuse! You just care about your stupid phlogiston stuff more than you care about me.”

  “Excuse me,” said Kevin, loudly but calmly. He waited until he had their attention, then touched each of them on the shoulder. “Professor Mercredi,” he said kindly, “You’ve got to realize that Laura is no longer a child. She’s a grown woman and ready to take responsibility for her own life. You need to give her space to make her own mistakes.”

  “And Laura,” he continued soothingly, turning to the girl, “you need to understand that your father’s work is very important to him. You should try to respect that and realize that his time is not his own.”

  Mercredi looked embarrassed and Laura looked contrite. “I’m sorry, Daddy. I just wanted to . . .”

  “I’m being sarcastic!” yelled Kevin. “I want the two of you to put your bickering on the back burner until we get out of here. We need to warn Logan about the Diabolical Device and tell him to hold off the attack until we can devise a counter to it. Otherwise, Deserae’s entire army will be dead.”

  “Not quite,” said Mercredi. “Logan’s army will be fine. We’ll be dead.”

  All eyes turned on the alchemist. Mercredi gave an embarrassed cough. “I took a little precaution in case our plan went wrong. Or in case Lord Voltmeter decided to double-cross me.” He quickly explained the phlogistocator to Becky and Laura. “The machine will suffocate anyone within range, but that includes everyone in the castle. So to protect Voltmeter and his men, it also creates a second field inside the castle that neutralizes all magical forces.”

  Kevin nodded. “And now you’re saying you turned that protective field off?”

  “Correct. I adjusted the machine so now it will kill everyone inside the castle, but the people outside will be unharmed.”

  The three young people digested this new information in silence. Becky spoke first. “It’s not so bad, then. At least Voltmeter will be killed. And Deserae will be saved.”

  “I’m not afraid to die to protect innocent people,” said Laura nobly. “Good work, Daddy.”

  “I had intended to flee the castle before the machine was turned on,” said Mercredi. “I didn’t intend to die for anyone.”

  “I’d prefer to avoid it myself,” said Kevin. “What did you do to the machine? Reverse the polarity?”

  “Reverse the polarity!” snapped Mercredi. “Reverse the polarity? Where did you get that idea? I’m sick of hearing it. That is such an overworked cliché. Every time a powerful piece of equipment goes out of control, you can be sure some nitwit will snap his fingers, and say, ‘I’ve got an idea—let’s reverse the polarity.’ They don’t even know what they’re talking about. It’s just some phrase they picked up, the all-purpose solution to every technological problem. Ridiculous!”

  “Sorry,” said Kevin. “You’re right. It is just a phrase I picked up. What did you do?”

  Mercredi was silent for a long time. “Well, as a matter of fact, I reversed the polarity,” he finally admitted. “That wasn’t my point. My point was that people act as though it’s a simple change. It’s not. It requires a lot of calculations and delicate adjustments. It’s not just a question of switching the T-leads.”

  “Right.”

  “This is all your fault anyway. If you had taken the Ancient Artifact when you said you would, the issue would never have come up.”

  “Mea culpa. Okay, so we’ve got to get out of here before Logan attacks and Voltmeter switches on the Diabolical Device.”

  “Logan won’t attack if he thinks I’m here,” said Becky. “He won’t take the chance of harming me. I don’t think he knows I followed you, but if someone from the village described me, he might suspect. He’s clever enough, for a soldier.”

  “I think you’re right. He won’t lose any sleep if I’m killed; but if we can get to him with a message from you, he’ll call off the attack.”

  “Why?” said Laura. “I mean, why should Lord Logan care if you are harmed in the attack?”

  Mercredi looked interested in this question also. Kevin didn’t answer, leaving it to Becky to decide how much about herself she wanted to reveal. Becky finally shrugged, and said, “Because I’m Princess Rebecca of Deserae.”

  Laura’s eyes widened. She looked as if she was about to curtsey. “You’re Princess Rebecca? Really?”

  “Oh, come now,” said Mercredi. “Yesterday this young man told me he was Prince Kevin of Rassendas.”

  Laura looked at Kevin’s dirty hands, grimy coveralls, and soot-streaked face. “Yeah, right.”

  “It’s kind of a long story,” explained Becky, “but if we don’t recover the Ancient Artifact, I’ll have to marry Lord Logan.”

  Laura frowned. “Isn’t Lord Logan supposed to be a big, handsome, brave, heroic sort of guy?”

  “Yes.”

  “And you have to marry him. Well, I can see that would be a problem all right.”

  “He’s a jerk. I don’t like him.”

  “There are also lives at stake here,” put in Kevin. “Not that I’m criticizing your sense of priorities.”

  “If it’s cloudy outside, Logan will attack at dawn,” said Becky. “I learned that much before I left. But if it is sunny, he’ll wait until midmorning. The men on the walls will be in the sunlight and make clear targets, while the men in the valley will be in shadow. So I don’t know how much time we have.”

  Laura asked “Does Lord Logan know that Lord Voltmeter has a phlogistocator?”

  “No. He knows that he has the Ancient Artifact, and of course he suspects that it is being used to power a Diabolical Device. But he doesn’t know what sort of Diabolical Device it is.”

  “I heard that Thunk the Barbarian told him.”

  “Thunk never talked to Logan,” said Kevin.

  “He talked to us,” said Becky. “But he died without going into much detail.”

  “Thunk is dead? The poor man. That is so sad.”

  “The best time to escape,” said Kevin, “will be right at the beginning of the attack. We’ll have to time it carefully. Too soon, and the guards will shoot us as we flee the walls. Too late, and we’ll be caught in the phlogistocation field.”

  Laura looked around at her fellow prisoners, each with one wrist in a rigid iron cuff. She looked at the cage, with its massive padlock and iron bars set solidly into the hard stone wall. She looked at the thick oak door, with its own lock and heavy iron hinges. She said, “I think we have a hard task ahead of us to get out of here at all, without worrying about the timing.”

  “Oh, we have keys,” said Becky.

  “What?” said Laura.

  “What?” repeated Mercredi.

  “They’re in that crack in the floor,” said Kevin. “I got them from Valerie.”

  “From Valerie,” said Laura. She gave
him an odd look.

  “Right. That crack by your foot. See if you can work the keys out.”

  Laura seemed doubtful, as though she thought Kevin and Becky were losing their grip on reality, but she slipped off one shoe and tried working her toes into the crack. “No,” she said after a while. “The crack is too deep and too narrow. I can touch one, but I can’t move it.”

  Becky, with a long stretch of her legs, could also reach the crack, but she also failed to make any progress with the keys. “We’ll wait for our chance,” said Kevin. “Don’t be discouraged. Eventually they’ll unhook us to feed us, or move us, or something.”

  The little group fell silent, as each person thought that, in all probability, they would simply be ignored until after the battle and then it would be too late. “How long have we been here?” said Laura. “It seems like we’ve been here a long time already. There’s no window, so you can’t see the light change.”

  “Time always passes slowly when you’re in a dungeon,” her father told her. “We haven’t been here an hour. If you listen carefully, you can hear the clock strike in the Fortress tower.”

  Reflexively, they all fell silent, listening. They did not hear the clock strike. Instead, they heard the key turn in the door, then Valerie entered with a guard. “This one,” she said, pointing to Laura. “Bring her to Lord Voltmeter. He’s ready to interrogate her.”

  The guard unlocked Laura’s wrist. Immediately she dropped to her knees. “No, not that,” she screamed. “Anything but that!” She wrapped her arms around the guard’s legs. “Please, have mercy. Don’t take me to Lord Voltmeter.” She pressed her face to the stone floor and sobbed out loud. “Please, I beg you.”

  The soldier grinned. Guarding prisoners was generally pretty dull work, but moments like this made it all worthwhile. Valerie was merely annoyed.

  “Oh, for goodness sake.” She grabbed Laura by her ponytail and yanked her to her feet. “Get a grip, will you? He’s just going to question you. He doesn’t have time for serious torture today.”

  She shoved Laura over to the guard, who twisted one arm behind her back and frog-marched her out the door, behind Valerie. They heard the key turn again, and the sound of Laura’s wailing and sobbing gradually diminished as she was taken away. The remaining three prisoners continued to listen, until silence convinced them that no one else was coming. Then Kevin turned to Becky. “Did she get it?”

  “Yes,” said Becky. “They’re both under my feet.” She lifted her sandal and showed them the two keys, where Laura had slid them across the floor after snagging them from the crack.

  “That was quick thinking,” said Kevin. “She’s a clever girl.”

  “That’s my daughter,” said Mercredi. “Her school gave her top marks for deportment and pluckiness.”

  Becky had slipped her foot out of her sandal and managed to wedge the key to the wrist cuffs between her toes. She swung her leg up and passed the key to Kevin.

  “That was graceful.”

  “Thank you.”

  The Prince unlocked his wrist, rubbed it for a second, and freed his fellow prisoners. Becky took the second key and unlocked the cage. Mercredi tried the door, which was still locked. “We’re a little better off, but we still have a problem.”

  Kevin pointed to the ceiling. “Ventilation shaft. It’s only a short slide to the outside corridor. Becky will go first.”

  “Not yet,” said Mercredi. “We have to wait until they bring back Laura.”

  “We can’t wait. We’ll have to come back for her.”

  “By the time they are done with her it may be impossible to come back.”

  “Right. So by the time she gets back it may also be too late for us to escape. That’s why we have to leave now. When they bring her back they might put us under guard again.”

  Mercredi folded his arm. “I am not leaving without my daughter.”

  “He’s right,” said Becky. “We can’t leave her behind. We’d be dead already if she hadn’t come in.”

  “She’d want us to leave. She said she was willing risk her life.”

  “No!” said Mercredi.

  “We can wait at least for a while,” said Becky.

  “All right!” said Kevin. “All right. Let me think.” He paced around the small room. “No. Listen. We have to get you out of here. You’re the Princess of Deserae, and there’s too much danger for you to stay. Mercredi, if Voltmeter somehow defeats Logan, Deserae will need you to devise a counter to the phlogiston device. Once I see you two over the wall, I’ll go back and rescue Laura. I’ve got the keys, and I know my way around the fortress somewhat. I won’t leave without her, I swear.”

  “That’s good,” said Becky. “Because I won’t leave without you, I swear.”

  “And I won’t leave without Laura,” said Mercredi.

  Kevin sat down with his back against the stones. “Everyone wants to be a hero these days. That’s why no one can.”

  “Keep your ears open,” said Becky. “As soon as we hear someone coming, we need to get into position. What are you going to do to the guard?”

  “Hide behind the door and hit him over the head as he comes in.”

  Mercredi said, “That doesn’t sound very sporting. I thought hero types could just knock out a guard with a single punch to the jaw.”

  “Taylor doesn’t recommend it. Even if you’re built like Thunk the Barbarian, there’s a good chance you’ll just get a pissed-off guard with a broken jaw. Damn! I just thought of something. When the fortress fills with phlogiston, we won’t be able to get back in and get the Ancient Artifact. The prophecy was right.”

  “What prophecy?” asked Becky.

  “An old woman made a prophecy in the garden outside your castle. She said I wouldn’t defeat the man in black or return the object I sought.”

  “Oh, those prophecies are always nonsense. Kevin, I’m surprised at you, paying attention to seers and soothsayers. It’s nothing but a bunch of carnival show hokum. Only the gullible are taken in by that stuff. Who was it, anyway?”

  “Mrs. Ancient,” said Mercredi.

  “Oh. She didn’t happen to mention precious metal futures, did she?”

  “No.”

  “Well, don’t worry about it. Voltmeter isn’t even wearing black clothing.”

  “What? Yes he is.”

  “Are you sure? I think it’s more like a charcoal gray.”

  They waited. Then they waited some more. It was hard going for Kevin. Even under such dire circumstances, there were few men in the world who would object to spending time at close quarters with the Princess of Deserae, especially when she was wearing a torn blouse. Had there been but the two of them in that cell, Kevin could have passed the hours in fine good humor. Unfortunately, there was Mercredi. Mercredi was a professor of alchemy. That is, he was not one of your progressive, liberal, bohemian professors. He knew exactly what standards of decorum were expected of a princess in a fairy-tale kingdom, and he was one of those adults who considered it their responsibility to help young people ward off temptation. Furthermore, he was the father of a teenage girl. This meant he tended to treat all young men with the same benevolent warmth that a shepherd displays to a ravening wolf.

  So Kevin sat well away from Becky and waited, while Becky gave him smoldering looks, and Mercredi shot him glowering stares. They heard the clock strike the hour. They told each other jokes. They told each other stories. They heard it strike another hour. They sat with their backs against the wall. They rose and paced around the room. They sat with their backs against the cage. They lay stretched out on the floor. Eventually the clock struck another hour.

  “It must be broken,” said Becky. “It must be more than an hour since it last struck.”

  “I wonder what he’s doing to her,” said Mercredi.

  “Take a nap,” said Kevin. “I’ll stand watch.” He took the torch down from the wall and gave it a few experimental swings, throwing a fast, flickering pattern of shadows against the wa
ll. “I’ll rouse you when I hear someone coming.”

  “I think not,” said Mercredi. “I have responsibilities, too, you know. I can’t allow you to take advantage of this young lady.”

  “Oh, you can trust Kevin.”

  “Right. I’m an honorable guy. And Becky and I have met before.”

  “I’m sure you have. And I can’t help noticing that her bodice is ripped.”

  “Hey! That wasn’t me!”

  “Of course not. Now get back to your own corner.”

  “I can’t sleep on this stone floor,” said Becky. She rested her head on her arms. “Where do men like Voltmeter come from, anyway?”

  “He’s not even the worst,” said Kevin. “Remember old King Cravatte of Omnia? The guy before King Bruno?”

  “Sure,” said Mercredi. “I have a friend who was there. He told me about it.”

  “About what?”

  “Cravatte somehow got into demonology and that sort of stuff,” explained Kevin. “He announced that he was going to sacrifice a beautiful virgin to the Dark Gods.”

  “And what happened?”

  “The largest bacchanal in recorded history,” said Mercredi.

  “Right. I mean, what did he think was going to happen? They say it was one hell of party. The night before the sacrifice, every babe in Omnia made sure to lose her virginity.”

  “And every woman who already lost it decided to lose it again,” said Mercredi. “I’m told some of them lost it four or five times that night, just to be on the safe side.”

  “You two are making this up, right?”

  “No, it’s in the history books. You can look it up.”

  “So what did the King do?”

  “Nothing. Lord Bruno saw his chance, and the next day Cravatte woke up dead. All his bodyguards, you see, were in town celebrating with the girls. Bruno correctly figured no man could stand to miss a debauch like that.”

  “It didn’t hurt,” added Mercredi, “that Bruno was passing out free beer and wine to the girls.”