A Thousand Cuts (CELL BLOCK C)

by Melissa Toppen

  Ainsley

  “What the hell are you doing?” I hiss at Lily when she comes skipping into the living room, a wide grin on her face. She passes me a bottle of water before twisting the cap off of hers.

  “He is gorgeous,” she mouths, fanning herself.

  As if I didn’t already know that...

  “You could not have been more obvious,” I whisper yell at my best friend.

  “Oh stop. He’s completely clueless. I played it off well.”

  I roll my eyes.

  “Come on.” I grab her arm and drag her down the hallway before shoving her into my bedroom.

  “You need to get over your issues with that man and tag him now,” she says the instant the door closes. “He is F.I.N.E. Fine, fine, fine.”

  “Do you need a cold shower?” I give her a pointed look. “He’s just a guy and you’re over here acting like a dog in heat.” I’d be annoyed by her behavior if she wasn’t so damn comical.

  “I’m not even sure a cold shower would do it.” She laughs. “But I think I finally get it. Why you’ve been so gaga over him for so long. Why you were so pissed when he left. It’s all making a lot more sense now.”

  “Me being pissed at him has nothing to do with him leaving and everything to do with why he left.”

  “Uh huh.” She doesn’t seem convinced. “Girl, I didn’t even know you when he was around but I knew the first moment you said his name that you were in love with him. Then today at work, I could tell you were more flustered by the thought of him being back than you were angry by the fact that he was.”

  “That’s not true. Have you not been listening to anything I’ve said to you over the past two years?”

  “Oh, I heard you alright. I heard you talk incessantly about a man you claimed to hate. I hate to break it to you, Ains, but if you hate someone that much, the last thing you want to do is spend your days talking about them.”

  “I thought that’s what friends are for. To vent to when you’re upset about something.”

  “They are. But let’s be real here for a moment. The man went to jail for dealing drugs. It’s not like he murdered someone. And yet that’s how you’re acting.”

  “It wasn’t just that he was dealing drugs, it was that he put Finn in danger.”

  “Even still. Clearly Finn has forgiven him. Which begs the question, why can’t you?”

  “Whose side are you on?” I fire off, my quick temper getting the better of me.

  “Yours. Of course.” She seems offended by my question. “I can’t even believe you would ask me that.”

  “Well, when you’re standing here advocating for the enemy.”

  “I’m not advocating for anyone. I get your issues with him. I’d be pissed too if the shoe was on the other foot. All I’m saying is do you really think what he did is that unforgivable or are you holding onto your anger for another reason?”

  “What other reason would there be?”

  “Do you really want me to say?” She gives me a knowing look.

  “No,” I reply flatly, having a pretty good idea what she’s going to say.

  But she’s wrong... Isn’t she?

  I shake off the thought.

  “Listen, I have tons of work to get done. So unless you’re actually planning on helping me study, you can go now.” I turn, flopping down on my bed that has several textbooks and notepads spread across it.

  “Is that anyway to talk to your best friend?”

  “Considering you came over after I specifically told you not to, then made a spectacle of checking out a man I can’t stand, yes, that’s exactly how I’m going to talk to you.”

  She studies me for a long moment before her features soften.

  “You’re right. I’m sorry. I was just so damn curious. I’ve heard you talk about him a gazillion times. How could I not be at least a little intrigued?”

  “I think gazillion is a bit of an overstatement.”

  “Okay, fine. A million. Is that better?”

  “Not really, no.” A small laugh escapes my lips.

  “Oh shut up.” She waves a hand at me as she crosses to the other side of my bed, plopping down next to me moments later. “So, what are we working on?”

  “Right now I’m trying to study for my Political Science final.”

  “Well, I will be zero help there. How about I sit on my phone and offer emotional support?” she offers, grinning as she leans forward to pull her cell phone out of the back pocket of her jeans.

  “Emotional support.” I shake my head at her. “Fine,” I concede. “But if you so much as utter his name even once for the remainder of the evening, I reserve the right to hit you with this.” I hold up an extremely thick book.

  “You have my word.” She laughs, tracing an X over her heart with the tip of her pointer finger.

  Laughing, I position myself with my back against the headboard and flip back to the chapter I was reviewing before Lily showed up, hoping like hell I can concentrate enough to retain even a fraction of the information.

  ——

  It’s after eleven when Lily decides to head home for the night. It isn’t until after she’s gone and I’m getting ready to go back into my room that I notice Ryland’s door is open.

  Taking a step back, I peer inside. The room is dark and from what I can tell, empty. Curious, I head further down the hall to Finn’s room. His door is also open and his room is empty.

  It’s not like Finn to leave without telling me first, so I assume they must be here somewhere. Then again, neither of them were in the living room or the kitchen, so I’m really not sure where they could be.

  Heading back to my room, I snag my cell phone off my dresser and pull up Finn’s name, hitting the call button. It rings twice before he picks up.

  “Hey, Ains. Everything okay?” His voice is distorted by the amount of background noise filtering into the speaker of the phone.

  “Yeah, fine. I just wasn’t sure where you went.”

  “Sorry, I knew you were studying and I didn’t want to bother you. I’m actually down at Moe’s having a few drinks with Ryland.”

  “Oh, okay.”

  “Lily still there?”

  “No, she just left.”

  “Well, we won’t be gone much longer. Though given the way Regina Tinsley is acting right now, I wouldn’t be surprised if only one of us returns home this evening.” I know immediately that he’s referring to the town slut. I don’t even run in that crowd but I know all about her.

  My stomach twists uncomfortably.

  “Is Ryland allowed to stay out overnight?” I feel stupid asking the question.

  “He’s on probation, Ains. Not house arrest.” He chuckles, clearly inebriated.

  “Gotcha. Well, just do me a favor and be safe.”

  Even though Moe’s is only a couple of blocks from here, I hate the idea of him walking home at night, especially after drinking. Finn may be an able-bodied man, but we don’t live in the best neighborhood.

  “Always am. Call if you need anything.”

  “Will do.” I hang up the phone, the knot in my stomach growing tighter.

  I try to push past the feeling as I kill the lights and climb into bed, throwing the thick comforter over my head, but it proves impossible to do.

  Every time I close my eyes all I can see is Regina with Ryland. Her lips, that she always has painted a bright shade of red, on his. Her fake nails raking up his back. Her name on his lips. And while thinking about Ryland with another girl has always bothered me, it’s never felt quite this overwhelming.

  I toss and turn for the next hour, unable to shut my brain off.

  I wake when I hear someone come in the front door right after one. I quickly clamor out of bed and head for the hallway. I pull open my bedroom door, expecting to see my brother. Instead, who I see sends my heart knocking into my ribs with the force of a sledgehammer.

  “Ryland,” I sputter, coming to an abrupt halt in my doorway. “Where’s Finn?” I st
ick my head out into the hall and look both ways, not seeing my brother anywhere.

  “He went home with Regina.” He gives me a funny look like he thought I already knew.

  “Oh.” I don’t try to hide my surprise. “I thought...”

  “You thought I was going home with Regina.” He steals the words right from my mouth.

  “I just assumed.” My voice shakes slightly. “I mean, you have been in prison for five years.” As if that’s some type of justification. “I’m sure you have... needs.” My face heats but for some reason I can’t stop the word vomit from continuing to spew from my mouth. “I wouldn’t blame you if you needed to...” I bite my bottom lip in an attempt to silence myself.

  “Truthfully, that’s why I went out tonight,” he admits, taking a step toward me. “But when I got there I realized that none of the women there were who I wanted.” His eyes dip to my mouth before coming back up to my eyes. There’s an intensity behind his stare that I don’t think I’ve ever seen before.

  It’s enough to send my already frazzled nerves spiraling out of control. And I have no idea who he’s even talking about. But I want to pretend it’s me. I want to pretend that I’m the woman he wants.

  I want to grab the collar of his shirt and pull him into my room. Kiss him the way I’ve dreamt about kissing him for most of my life. Make love to him the way I have done a million times in my dreams. But then I remember that this isn’t the Ryland Thorpe I once thought I knew so well.

  That man doesn’t exist. The one in front of me is nothing more than a liar.

  This seems to snap me from the fog threatening to swallow me whole. I blink once, slowly, and then take a full step back.

  “Well, have a good night.” I plaster on the best smile I can muster before quickly closing the door between us.

  Chapter 6

  Ainsley

  Six years ago

  “Ryland, stop.” I squirm, trying to break free of his grasp. He squeezes my side again, causing me to squeal in laughter.

  He knows how much I hate being tickled.

  Rearing back, I elbow him in the center of his stomach. He lets out a whoosh of air and his hold on me falters. Using this as my way out, I twist and manage to duck under his arm before he has time to stop me.

  Breaking free, I take off running down the beach. It’s dark so I can barely see a thing. But I can hear. Which means I know Ryland is getting close.

  Seconds later, an arm snakes around my stomach and I’m hauled against a hard body.

  “And just where do you think you’re going?” Laughter is in his voice.

  “Away from you.” I lift my feet up and Ryland easily supports my weight.

  “Your brother would kill me if he knew I let you talk me into this. Are you trying to get us both in trouble?” His breath is hot on the side of my face.

  “How would I do that?” I lower my feet and Ryland releases me.

  “I don’t know, maybe if you get hurt sprinting in the dark. You can’t see anything. What if you fell and broke a bone or something?”

  I snort, spinning around to face him.

  “I can see you just fine.” His gorgeous face is illuminated under the light of the full moon.

  “Yeah, only because I’m standing right in front of you,” he argues.

  “I think you’re afraid of being left alone in the dark,” I tease.

  “Or maybe I’m afraid of you being alone in the dark. Pretty little thing like you. A town like this.” He shakes his head, his expression growing serious.

  He says something else, but truthfully I stopped listening to him after he called me pretty. Because of this, I’m not sure how to respond when he stops talking.

  In an effort to cover up this fact, I reach down and grip the hem of my sundress, quickly pulling it up and over my head before depositing it into the sand.

  Ryland’s eyes stay on my face. They always stay on my face. Just once I wish he would look at me. Really look at me. That he would see me for more than just Finn’s little sister. And while my bathing suit is very modest, it doesn’t hide the evidence that I’m not a little girl anymore. I just wish he could acknowledge that.

  “You really want to do this?” He arches a brow at me. “It’s only been warm a couple of weeks. The water is probably freezing cold.”

  “I’m sure. I’ve swam in colder.” I smile, giving him a knowing look.

  “Okay, just remember that this was your idea.” He takes off his shirt, and even though I know I shouldn’t, I take a brief moment to look at him.

  He’s so beautiful.

  “Ains?” He must sense where my focus is, because when I look back up, he’s got a weird look on his face.

  “Last one into the water has to buy the other a soda,” I announce, nearly falling flat on my face when I turn and make a move for the water.

  Ryland laughs, zooming past me before I have a chance to right myself. He beats me to the water with no problem at all, but he doesn’t stay there long.

  He no more than dives in before he’s running back out, his arms wrapped around his torso.

  “You’re such a baby,” I call as he passes me right as I enter the lake.

  I run in until the water hits my knees and then I dive headfirst. It’s so cold that for a brief moment all my joints lock up and I’m not sure I can move. And while yes, I’ve swam in colder water, that was for only thirty seconds and by the time I got out I was pretty certain I was going to die of hypothermia. A bit dramatic I know, but I had never felt pain like that before. It was like being stabbed with a thousand tiny needles all over my body and for the life of me, I could not get warm.

  This water isn’t as bad, but it still catches me a bit off guard. I push up to the surface, sucking in a deep breath of air.

  Even though I don’t want to give Ryland the satisfaction of being right, I know there is no way I’m going to last more than a minute in this frigid water.

  I immediately turn and start heading back toward the shore, my teeth chattering the entire way.

  Ryland is standing at the edge of the water. The smile on his face is evident from several feet away.

  “Told you it was too cold.” He chuckles, handing me my sundress the moment I reach him. “And you owe me a soda.” He waits until I’m dressed before tugging me against his chest. Wrapping his arms around me, he rubs his hands vigorously up and down my arms in an effort to warm me.

  While the water was ice cold, I’d jump in it all over again for this.

  Resting my head on his chest, I breathe in his scent. A mixture of his own unique smell, deodorant, and lake water. The smell is intoxicating and all I want to do is stay right here for the rest of my life.

  “Come on.” Ryland breaks the moment all too soon. He turns, keeping one arm wrapped around my shoulders as he leads me back up the beach. “We should probably get to the truck before one or both of us catches pneumonia.”

  “I had no idea the water would be that cold.”

  “Pretty sure I tried to tell you it would be.”

  “Pretty sure no one likes an I told you so,” I fire back.

  He shakes his head, laughter rolling through his body as he squeezes me tighter against his side.

  “If you tell Finn about this, I’m going to deny, deny, deny.” He stops at the passenger side of his beat up, old Ford truck.

  “Shut up. You’re going to end up telling him the moment we walk into the house and you know it.” I smack playfully at his chest, turning to climb into the truck when he tugs open the door.

  “You know me so well.” He grins, winking at me before slamming the door closed.

  Chapter 7

  Ainsley

  “Can you believe Professor Lumbar?” Matt slides up next to me as we exit our English Lit class. “Like we don’t have enough on our plates right now?” He groans.

  He’s referring to that fact that our teacher just dropped a bomb on us that our final assignment for his class is a five-thousand-word essay on th
e way classic literature has impacted modern literature. As if that wasn’t a difficult enough subject to write about, especially for me, a sociology major, we only have until next week to complete it.

  “I will be so glad when this class is over,” I agree. Professor Lumbar is one of the most challenging professors I’ve had in my two years at Wayne State University. “I have to take one more English class during summer semester and I’m really hoping he’s not my only option.”

  “I can’t believe you’re enrolling for summer classes... Again.” He follows me out of the building into the warm afternoon.

  “Summer courses are a must if I hope to graduate next May. Why drag it out if I don’t have to?”

  “Well, I for one, rather enjoy my summer breaks.”

  “That’s because your family owns a lake house in Tennessee. I’d probably take my summers off too if it meant I could lay out lakeside all summer drinking beer and getting tan.”

  I think it’s safe to say Matt and I come from very different worlds. He grew up about an hour north of here in an upper-class suburb and now has his own apartment not far from campus that he shares with two other students. I grew up, and still live, on the outskirts of Detroit in what most people would probably refer to as the ghetto.

  He convinced me to go on a date with him once last year. When he took me to some fancy Italian restaurant with a dress code, I figured that maybe we weren’t very compatible. But despite what was probably the worst first date in history, we’ve remained friends, and pretty good ones at that.

  “It’s not like I spend the entire summer there. I usually only go down for a couple of weeks. You could always come with me. I already told you my parents would love to have you.” He smiles at me.

  “I appreciate the offer but you know I can’t.” I adjust the strap of my book bag across my shoulder as I head toward the parking lot.

  “One of these days I’m going to get you to loosen up a little and have some fun.” He knocks his shoulder into mine, but because of our height difference he has to bend down to do it.

  “I know how to have fun,” I argue, throwing him a sideways glance.