A Thousand Cuts (CELL BLOCK C)

by Melissa Toppen

  “And you’re more infuriating than I remember.”

  “Well you’re angrier than I remember.” He grabs both of my wrists when I attempt to push him again. He lowers his face an inch from mine. “And so much more fucking beautiful,” he whispers, our gazes locked.

  My breathing accelerates as my heart begins to pound at rapid speed.

  I open my mouth to say something, anything, but no words come out.

  How can one sentence render me completely paralyzed? And yet, that’s exactly what it’s done.

  It isn’t until Finn’s voice filters down the hall that my senses seem to return. I shake off Ryland’s hold and take a full step back seconds before my brother appears behind Ryland in my doorway.

  “What did you say?” I look around Ryland, trying to act as normal as possible.

  “I asked what happened to all the cereal.” His gaze darts from me to Ryland and then back to me.

  “I got hungry earlier and finished what we had,” I say, pulling the elastic band from my hair, the thick strands falling down my back as I turn toward my bed. “Now if you two don’t mind, I have an early class tomorrow.” I throw back my comforter and quickly climb underneath it. “Goodnight,” I say loudly when neither man has moved.

  “Next time tell me when we’re low on cereal.” Finn spins around and Ryland quickly follows him into the hallway.

  “Yeah, yeah,” I call after him, laying back before pulling the blankets up to my chin.

  When I glance back toward the door, Finn is gone but Ryland is still standing in the hallway.

  “Will you flip the light off for me?” I ask, gesturing to the light switch next to the door.

  He nods, leaning inside the doorframe to flip off the light. The room goes dark with the exception of the dim hall light that filters in behind Ryland.

  He reaches for the doorknob and begins to pull it closed, stopping when there’s only an inch to go. And that’s when I hear his voice. It’s so soft that for a moment I wonder if I’m hearing things.

  “For what it’s worth, Ains, I’m really sorry that I hurt you.” With that, the door closes and I’m encased in darkness.

  ——

  “Well. Well. Well. If it isn’t Ainsley Kenter.” Every hair on the back of my neck stands at the sound of the man’s voice behind me. It’s a voice I would recognize anywhere.

  I whip around in the middle of the sidewalk outside of Milo’s where I’ve just finished my evening shift.

  “Oscar?” I stutter, my stomach twisting as I take in his appearance. He’s just as good-looking as I remember. Dark hair, rugged features, amazing body, but unfortunately that’s where his pleasantries end.

  He’s wearing his customary athletic apparel that he always used to wear. Loose fitting gym shorts, a black OSU t-shirt, and a backward baseball cap.

  “What...what are you doing here?” I try to pretend not to be completely thrown by seeing him here. It’s been over two years since he left for college to play baseball and I haven’t spoken a word to him since.

  “We have a tournament against WSU that starts tomorrow. I was planning on coming by to see you but it looks like you saved me the trip.” He smiles which causes the sick feeling in my stomach to multiply.

  To most, I’m sure Oscar seems like the average all-American college student. But to those of us who know him well, we see beyond the façade he works very hard to keep in place.

  Unfortunately, this wasn’t always the case for me. I was one of the blind ones. One of the people that fell for his lies and easy smile. It wasn’t until it was already too late that I finally saw his true colors. And what I saw terrified me to my core.

  Oscar was my first real boyfriend. We dated for a few months our senior year of high school. And while Finn didn’t really care for him, I had been blinded by his good looks and popularity.

  Things were amazing those first couple of months, but after we slept together for the first time, something in him shifted. He became extremely possessive and controlling. I couldn’t talk to another guy without him going into a rage and accusing me of cheating.

  Eventually, it got so bad that I ended things between us. Although, that did little to deter him. He’d show up at my house, at work, when I was out to dinner with friends. It was like everywhere I turned, there he was.

  The more I pushed him away, the more he pushed back. It’s like he couldn’t accept that I didn’t want to be with him. After a while things started to get physical. He didn’t hit me or anything. He knew better than to leave a mark. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t shove me around, restrain me, or even go as far as to pin me against a wall with his hand wrapped tightly around my throat once.

  It wasn’t until I threatened to go to the police that he backed off. Even still, he never completely went away. That is until he landed himself a baseball scholarship at Ohio State University.

  It’s been two years since he left, and the day he got into his car and drove away was probably one of the best days of my life. It felt like a thousand-pound weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

  “Oh, well I probably wouldn’t have been home anyway. I’m not there very often. You know, work and school and all,” I reply after a long moment passes.

  “You always were the overachiever.” He rocks back on his heels. “But you’re free now, right?”

  “Huh?”

  “You’re free now, right? We should catch up. You want to go grab a hot chocolate from Anne’s like we used to?”

  “It’s a little warm out for hot chocolate.” I push out a breath, swallowing past the hard lump in my throat. “Besides, I can’t tonight. I have plans.”

  “Plans? With who?” His gaze darkens.

  “With Finn.” I force an easy smile. “I’ve been so busy recently that we’ve started setting aside certain evenings to have dinner together.”

  “Oh, I see.” His features instantly relax. “What about tomorrow?”

  “I’m actually pretty full all week. I’ve got finals coming up next week and I have a lot of studying to get done.” I shrug, trying to seem a little disappointed in hopes of appeasing him.

  “Seriously, Ainsley.” His forehead creases. “You can’t give me an hour?”

  “I wish I could. I really do.” I start to back away. “Maybe next time, yeah?”

  “Next time?”

  “It was really great seeing you,” I lie, throwing up a half wave before quickly spinning around.

  I make a beeline for my car parked across the street, glancing over my shoulder a couple times to make sure he doesn’t follow me. Surprisingly he doesn’t.

  When I pull out onto the street less than a minute after reaching my car, Oscar is still standing on the sidewalk, his eyes on me as I drive away.

  I call Lily on the way home and am still sitting in my driveway venting to her fifteen minutes after I’ve arrived. She doesn’t know Oscar personally, but our friendship began shortly before he left town so she knows about him. In fact, she’s the only person that really knows anything about what went on between the two of us. I kept most things to myself as it was happening. I don’t know why. I guess I was ashamed, though I now know I had absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Well, other than the fact that I let him fool me into believing he was someone he wasn’t and in turn, I ended up losing my virginity to him. Which is something I regret to this day.

  Seeing Oscar really threw me today, and even though Lily manages to calm me down a bit, my stomach is still one big knot as I hang up the phone and head inside.

  Finn and Ryland are lounging on the couch as I enter. My knee jerk reaction is to slide in between them, a place where I’ve always felt safe, and tell them everything. If anyone can make Oscar leave me alone for good, it’s these two. Or at least, it used to be these two. I guess Ryland isn’t really part of that equation anymore.

  I immediately push the thought away. Just because Oscar is in town doesn’t mean he’s going to start in with his old antics. It’s been two y
ears, for goodness’ sake. Certainly he’s moved on by now. And again, he’s only here for a tournament, I remind myself.

  “Hey.” Finn barely looks up from the television as I enter.

  “Hey.”

  “How was work?”

  “It was work.” I shrug, keeping my back to both men as I kick my shoes off next to the door.

  “I ran to the store earlier so there’s some lunchmeat in the fridge if you’re hungry. I also bought some of those rice cups you like so much.”

  “I ate at the restaurant but thank you.” I turn, keeping my eyes forward as I make my way across the living room. “I’ve got a lot of schoolwork to catch up on so if you need me I’ll be in my room,” I say, not waiting for a response as I duck down the hallway toward my bedroom.

  For a solid two hours I try and fail to get any work done. I keep re-reading the same paragraph over and over again without retaining a single piece of information. By ten o’clock I completely give up, resigning to the fact that I’m not going to get any studying in tonight.

  Despite my lack of appetite, I decide I should probably try to eat a little something before I go to bed. I’d lied to Finn earlier. I didn’t eat at work. I just needed a quick escape because one look at me and he would have known something was up.

  The rest of the house is quiet as I enter the living room. The television is off and it would appear that everyone has turned in for the night. Relieved, I head toward the kitchen.

  While the main light is off, I see a soft light filtering in through the back door. Figuring someone must have left the porch light on, I cross the room, preparing to shut it off. But just as I reach the switch, something outside catches my eye.

  Ryland...

  He’s sitting on the back step, his knees pulled to his chest, his face turned up toward the sky. I take a moment to look at him while no one is around. The broadness of his shoulders, the profile of his handsome face, the messy layers of hair that fall in every direction on his head. Despite everything, the sight of him momentarily steals my breath.

  Before I realize what I’m doing, my hand is on the doorknob and seconds later I’m pulling it open. Ryland’s head swings in my direction as I step outside, his expression a mixture of surprise and concern.

  “What are you doing sitting out here by yourself?” I ask, pulling the door closed behind me.

  Ryland’s eyes follow me as I sit down next to him.

  “Just thinking.” He sighs.

  “Thinking about what?” I ask, looking up at the starless sky. The cloud coverage is too thick for a single one to shine through.

  “Nothing. Everything.” He shrugs. “What about you? I thought you were studying.”

  “I tried. I failed.” I blow out a puff of air, wrapping my arms around myself.

  While it’s warm through the day, the nights are still quite chilly. It doesn’t help that I’m only wearing a thin pair of pajama bottoms and a tank top.

  “Here.” Ryland shifts next to me. I look over to see him tug his hoodie over his head. “Put this on.” He shoves it at me.

  “That’s okay.”

  “Ainsley.” He gives me a look, one that I’ve seen countless times over the course of my life.

  “Fine.” I huff, knowing he won’t take no for an answer.

  Taking the sweatshirt, I quickly slide it on, Ryland’s scent overwhelming me the instant I do. I have to resist the urge to snuggle my face down into the fabric and breathe him in as deeply as I can.

  Old habits die hard.

  “Having trouble concentrating?” he asks once I’m warmly nestled in his hoodie.

  “Huh?”

  “You said you tried to study and you failed. Something on your mind?”

  “You could say that.” I have to stop myself from elaborating.

  “Anything you want to talk about?”

  “Not really,” I admit, my gaze going back up to the night sky. “I’d just like to sit here for a minute if that’s okay with you.”

  “Of course.” I see his head nod in my peripheral vision but I keep my attention focused upward.

  We sit in silence for several minutes. Neither of us talking, both of us lost to our own thoughts. It’s something I’ve done with Ryland a thousand times before. Even when I was young. If I was ever feeling anxious or worried about something, just existing in the same space with him would make me feel better. I guess it’s kind of reassuring to know he still has that effect on me.

  As my mind wanders, I wonder why I’m still so angry at him. Why I’m holding onto something he did so many years ago. It’s his life and he made his own choices. Is that really a reason for me to shut him out of my life forever?

  I can see he’s trying. And I know this is hard for him. He doesn’t have to tell me; I can read him that well. Knowing that after five years apart I still feel like I know him that well is a little surprising yet comforting at the same time.

  Then again, after everything that happened, I found myself questioning if I knew him at all.

  But this... this connection. This unspoken moment passing between us makes me question myself for ever thinking such things.

  Ryland may have made a very questionable choice – one that not only affected his life, but mine and Finn’s as well – but he’s still Ryland. The same guy who held me for hours the night my father died. The same guy who used to take me to the park in the dead of winter when Finn refused to. The one who would turn our entire living room into one gigantic fort because I wanted to camp out in the backyard but my dad wouldn’t let me.

  He’s been here through everything. Every up and down. Every high and low. He was my rock. Until he left me...

  But he’s here now. He’s here and he’s trying, isn’t he? I think about the whispered apology he offered me as he closed my bedroom door the other night. Even slurred from his inebriation there was still so much honesty in those words.

  Maybe I’m fooling myself. Maybe Oscar showing up today has got my head all out of whack. But I can’t help but believe him.

  I believe that he’s sorry and I have no doubt that he’d walk through fire to prove it to me.

  You can’t fake the kind of relationship Ryland and I had. You can’t fake the time we spent together or the fact that he’s been a part of my family for my entire life. Even though I never told him how I truly felt about him, our relationship was always the most honest one I ever had.

  I may have withheld certain information, but I never lied to him. I never tried to hide who I was. And he accepted me in a way no one ever had before or has since.

  If I’m being honest with myself, there’s been a huge hole in my life since he left and I’ve been trying so hard to fill it that I didn’t realize until this very moment that there was never any way of filling it. There’s no one that could ever take his place.

  “Can I ask you something?” I finally break the silence after what feels like hours.

  “Anything.”

  Our eyes meet and a bolt of electricity shoots through me.

  “What’s your biggest regret?”

  I watch his expression soften as he stares back at me.

  “Truthfully?”

  I nod, waiting for him to continue.

  “I have a lot of them. I regret what happened the day I got arrested and I’ve regretted most of the decisions I’ve made since, but I think my biggest regret, and one that I’ll never be able to fully apologize for, is leaving you.”

  My breath catches in my throat.

  “I spent years promising you that I’d always be here for you. And then I turned around and did something that took me away from you for far too long. I’ll never forgive myself for lying to you, even though that was never my intention.”

  “I was mad,” I admit. “I was mad at what you did. Knowing how my mom suffered with addiction. For you to turn around and deal drugs, was like a slap in the face. But then to involve Finn.”

  “You know I would never have intentionally put Finn in harm�
��s way,” he interjects.

  “I can see that now, yes. But at the time it didn’t feel that way.”

  “I get that.” He blows out a hard breath.

  “But I think the thing that hurt the most was that you left.”

  “You know I would have stayed if I could have.”

  “I know.” I hold his gaze, even though doing so feels almost impossible. “I’m sorry I never came to see you. I was so angry for so long...”

  “Please, Ains. Do not apologize to me for anything. You did nothing wrong.”

  “Even still, I let my anger lead the charge. It was easier that way. It was easier to be angry than admit to myself how devastated I was that you were gone.”

  “Ainsley.” He reaches for my hand, pulling it into his lap before wrapping his fingers around it. My skin warms from his touch.

  “I’m not saying that all is forgiven. I’m not promising that things will magically be okay with us again. But I want to try to move on. Carrying around this anger isn’t helping either of us. I just want things to go back to the way they used to be,” I admit in a moment of weakness. “Or at least as normal as they can be.”

  “So do I.” He smiles at me, and for the first time since he’s been home, the action lights up his entire face.

  Knowing I had something to do with that leaves me feeling a way I’m fairly certain I haven’t felt since before he left.

  “Well.” I pull my hand away, feeling like I need to break up the moment before it becomes too heavy and I end up professing my lifelong love to him. “I should probably head back inside. I have an early class in the morning.”

  “Yeah, of course.” He clears his throat, standing at the same time I do.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow?” I ask.

  “Tomorrow.” He nods.

  “Goodnight, Ryland.” I turn, pulling open the backdoor.

  “Goodnight, Ainsley,” I hear him say moments before I step inside the warm kitchen.

  I abandon my need for food as I quickly head toward my bedroom, my heart beating so fast and hard I feel out of breath by the time I reach it.

  Once in my room, I realize I’m still wearing Ryland’s sweatshirt, and while I know I should take it back out to him, I can’t bring myself to part with it just yet.