A Thousand Cuts (CELL BLOCK C)

by Melissa Toppen

  “And you want to be the one to give it to me?” I ask, my heart lodged somewhere in my throat.

  “I want to be the one that tries.”

  “What does that even mean?”

  “It means that I don’t know if I can be the type of man you deserve. I don’t know if I’ll ever be someone worthy of your love. But I do know that I want to be.”

  “Ryland, you have been protecting me for most of my life. Why would you ever think you weren’t worthy of me? Perhaps it’s me who isn’t worthy of you.”

  “You have no idea how precious you are to me, Ains. You never have. I don’t expect you to understand how fucking terrified I am that I’m going to hurt you. Even if it’s the last thing I want to do. I’m still a guy. And guys do stupid shit sometimes, even if their intentions are good.”

  “Everyone does stupid shit sometimes. Who’s to say I won’t be the one to screw it all up?”

  “Out of the two of us, my money is on me.”

  “Well, I’m willing to take the risk.” I stand, crossing around the table. “I’ve wanted you for over half my life. I’d rather this end with you breaking my heart into a million pieces than it end because we were too afraid to try.”

  “You say that now.” He looks up at me, uncertainty clouding his eyes.

  “You asked me what I want.” I slide down, straddling his lap. “I want you. All of you. The good. The bad. All of it.”

  “I’m worried that you have some skewed version of me in your head. I’m not the man you think I am.”

  “Maybe I don’t know everything there is to know, but I still know you at your core. I know that you would do anything for me. Five years apart hasn’t changed the lifetime we spent before it. You are still Ryland. The boy who would do anything I asked of him. And I am still Ainsley, the girl you’ve spent your whole life protecting. Sure, things have changed.” I smile. “Obviously. But I feel like in so many ways we still are those same two people.”

  “The way you talk, it’s like you believe anything is possible.”

  “When I’m with you it feels like it is.”

  “So we’re really doing this?” I can’t tell if he seems more nervous or excited about this fact.

  “We’re really doing this,” I confirm, nodding my head.

  “You know.” He wraps his arms around my back and tugs me closer. “We can’t keep this from Finn forever.”

  “I know. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have time to figure things out. We do. And I know that this seems sudden. It does for me, too. And while yes, this all started because I got drunk and couldn’t keep my mouth shut, it doesn’t change that every word I said was true. This is all I’ve ever wanted. You are all I’ve ever wanted.” I tangle my fingers in his hair. “Now kiss me or I may never shut up.”

  With that, his mouth closes over mine.

  Chapter 17

  Ainsley

  Five years ago...

  I sit in the back of the courtroom, my stomach clenched in knots so tight I feel like I can barely breathe.

  Finn doesn’t know I’m here. He’s seated at the front of the room directly behind Ryland and his attorney.

  He didn’t want me here. Honestly, I didn’t really want to be here, either. But as the morning wore on, I knew I had to be. I had to see him one last time before he’s ripped out of my life for good.

  So, I skipped school after third period and took the bus, which I also know Finn wouldn’t approve of, and I travelled to downtown Detroit by myself.

  I don’t know why or what I hoped to accomplish by coming here today. After the initial shock of Ryland’s arrest had worn off, I became angry. So angry that Finn and I had our first real fight maybe ever. I blamed him. I blamed him for Ryland being arrested. I blamed him for everything, even though I know he had nothing to do with it. And then my anger turned from Finn to Ryland.

  I’ve stewed for weeks, knowing that his sentencing hearing was fast approaching. I thought about all the ways he had done me wrong. Even if what happened had absolutely nothing to do with me, it still feels like I’m the only person being punished.

  It’s unreasonable and childish, I know, but it’s how I feel. My entire life everyone I thought I could count on has left me. My mom, who chose drugs over her own husband and children. My dad, who died, leaving me basically an orphan at age twelve. And now Ryland, my best friend. The boy I have loved for what feels like forever, is leaving me, too. Even though he promised me he never would.

  He’s a liar. A manipulator. He shows you what he wants you to see. He makes you believe he’s this amazing person when in reality he’s just as selfish as the rest.

  And now it’s just us. Just me and Finn. And while I know I should be grateful that I still have my brother, and that Ryland didn’t take him down with him, I can’t see past my own broken heart to feel anything but anger that’s slowly starting to eat away at me.

  The judge asks Ryland to stand. I swear it feels like my insides are being twisted around each other. I don’t think I’ve ever been more nervous in my entire life.

  I keep waiting, hoping for a miracle I’ve been told won’t come. In the beginning, I refused to accept that there would be any other outcome than Ryland being released with time served. Finn has advised me that is not going to happen. I guess the amount of drugs he intended to sell was quite extensive. Ten years in prison is his possible sentence and no matter how much I try, I can’t wrap my head around this fact.

  I listen to the judge talk, but I’m not sure I absorb a single word of it. My heart is beating too loudly in my chest. My mouth is dry and my palms feel clammy as I press them together in front of me.

  “Seven years.” It’s the only piece I’m able to grasp through my haze.

  Seven years...

  Chair legs scrape the floor as officers make their way around the defendant’s table to cart Ryland away. He’s wearing an orange jumpsuit, his hands handcuffed in front of him.

  When they turn to lead him out of the courtroom, I get my first real look at him in months. He hasn’t shaved in a couple of weeks and his normally stylish messy hair hangs limp across his forehead.

  The sight devastates me and yet serves to further fuel my anger. I want to stand up. I want to scream. I want to tell him how much I hate him for what he did. To Finn. To me. I want to tell him what a liar he is for leaving me. But I can’t move. Hell, I can’t even breathe. I’m paralyzed. Paralyzed by fear. Paralyzed by disbelief. And paralyzed by the fact that Ryland Thorpe is no longer a part of my life.

  I watch him leave the courtroom. I watch him walk away without a backward glance. Leaving me behind just like everyone else has done.

  Chapter 18

  Ainsley

  Two weeks. That’s how long it’s been since my drunken confession to Ryland. Two weeks of heated glances from across the room. Two weeks of accidental brushes in the hallway. Two weeks of stolen kisses. Two weeks of secret moments locked away in the confines of my room while Finn sleeps down the hall.

  It’s been hands down the best two weeks of my life. Truthfully only one thing could make it better. Not having to lie to the only family I have.

  I want to tell Finn. Hell, I wanted to tell Finn when it all first began. But I knew if I wanted any chance to figure this out, I had to do it on my own, without his judgement or his concern. I needed time to figure out how I truly felt before I let his opinions sway me one way or the other.

  I’m not sure what I thought I needed to figure out, because I feel exactly like I knew I would – floating around on a cloud of happy.

  “Knock. Knock.” I hear a light tap on my door seconds before it swings open and Ryland appears in the doorway.

  I heard him come in from work a little bit ago but since Finn was already home, I decided it was best that I stay in my room and try to finish at least a couple more chapters of the book I was assigned to read for English class.

  This is my first week of summer courses, and while it’s still school, my cours
e load is a lot lighter this semester. I did that on purpose with the hope of picking up more hours at the diner. Summers are the busiest time of year and as such, I have the ability to earn a lot more in tips. Every summer I try to squeeze all my classes into two to three days if I can, so that I can work longer shifts on the other days.

  “Hey.” I smile, taking in Ryland’s damp hair and his standard, go-to, white tee.

  “Hey. What are you doing?”

  “Reading.” I hold up my book to show him the cover.

  “Pride and Prejudice. Haven’t you read that book at least a hundred times by now?”

  “Try like twice, but it’s been a while and since it’s for my English class, I thought I should suck it up and re-read it.”

  “So you’re giving yourself a refresher.” He grins.

  “Pretty much,” I agree, dropping the book onto the bed next to me. “What are you doing? Got any exciting plans for this fine Friday evening?”

  “Actually, I was thinking about asking this girl if she wanted to grab dinner and go see a movie but now I’m not so sure.”

  “Why are you not so sure?” I bite down on my bottom lip to keep my smile at bay.

  “Well, I know she’s extremely busy and I don’t want her to feel like she has to say yes.”

  “I don’t think she’d feel that way at all. In fact, I bet she would love an excuse to take a night off. I think you should ask her.”

  “Yeah?” He cocks his head to the side as he leans against the door frame.

  “Definitely.”

  “Oh for fuck’s sake,” Finn grumbles as he passes Ryland in the hallway. “Five years has not changed how damn annoying you two are. Just go to a fucking movie already.”

  Ryland chuckles, his gaze following Finn until he disappears in the living room before swinging back to me.

  That’s one good thing about my brother, he’s completely oblivious. He thinks that Ryland and my behavior is us getting back to the way things used to be. He has no idea that there’s this completely new element to our relationship.

  “He’s being temperamental because Lily blew him off tonight.”

  “Lily had to work. That’s hardly her blowing him off.”

  “Try telling grouchy ass that.” He hitches his thumb down the hall. “Now, where were we before we were rudely interrupted?”

  “I believe you were just about to invite me somewhere.”

  “Ah, yes, that’s right.” His smile stretches across his face, the beauty of it impossible to ignore. “Ainsley Kenter, would you like to go have dinner and see a movie with me?”

  “Well, that depends.” I lean forward, pulling my knees to my chest. “Are you going to take me somewhere good?”

  “I was thinking Apollo’s, but I’m open to suggestions if you’re not feeling burgers.”

  “Actually, Apollo’s sounds amazing. But the movie... This is make or break it for me.”

  “Silent Ascent, obviously. You can’t go wrong when you mix sexy sororities with a human possessing demon.”

  “Now I know you’re messing with me.” I give him a pointed look.

  “Okay, you got me. I was actually thinking maybe we could catch the new Tarantino movie. I know how much you like his stuff.”

  “Sold,” I announce loudly, quickly sliding off the edge of the bed. “Give me fifteen minutes and I’ll be ready,” I say, shooing him out of my doorway before pushing the door closed.

  ——

  “Have the burgers here always been this good or is it because it’s been so long since I’ve had one?” Ryland asks, sinking his teeth into his already half eaten burger, even though mine is still sitting untouched on my plate. I’m a fries first kind of girl.

  “I think maybe both.” I giggle.

  “I’m serious. This burger is amazing,” he says, swallowing and then instantly going in for another bite.

  So much about this is familiar. Sitting across the booth from Ryland. The jukebox playing softly in the background. The tacky and yet oddly appealing décor of Apollo’s. This used to be our place, once upon a time. In fact, whenever we’d do anything together, ninety-five percent of the time we’d end up here afterward.

  “Well I for one think the fries blow the burgers out of the water. I forgot how good hand cut fries are versus frozen ones.”

  “Forgot? How long has it been since you’ve been here? You used to love coming to this place.”

  “Five years.”

  “What?” He gives me a weird look as he pops the last bite of his burger into his mouth.

  “You asked how long it’s been since I’ve been here. It’s been about five and a half years. Since the last time you brought me here to be exact.”

  “Wait. You mean to tell me you haven’t been here since the day I took you ice skating on the lake and you fell and we thought you had broken your hand?”

  My chest swells. I hadn’t considered for even a second that he would remember the last time we were here together. After so many visits, you would think they would all blend together. Then again, I did spend half the day thinking I had broken my hand so it wasn’t our typical visit.

  “I refused to let you take me to the ER because I didn’t want to land Finn with a huge hospital bill if I didn’t have to.”

  “So Patti brought you out a bucket of ice and made you sit with your hand in it the whole time we were eating so we could see if we could get the swelling down.”

  We both smile at the memory.

  “How is it possible that it’s been that long ago since that day?” he thinks aloud. “Sometimes I forget how much time has passed.”

  “Yeah, me too,” I admit, finding this even truer as of late.

  There are times that I’ll be sitting on the couch and I’ll look over at him and still feel like that same teenage girl. The one whose heart would pick up speed every time our eyes would lock and how I would lose myself in daydreams about him grabbing me and kissing me.

  “Why did you stop coming here?” He pulls me from my thoughts and I look up to see his face has sobered.

  “I guess it didn’t feel right without you.” I shrug, popping a fry into my mouth and chewing slowly.

  He thinks over my words for a long moment.

  “I’m really sorry, Ainsley.”

  “Don’t.” I stop him before he can say more. “I don’t want to think about days past or years wasted. I just want to enjoy this. Being back here with you again. Speaking of which.” I pick up my knife and cut my burger down the middle, plopping half of it onto his plate moments later.

  “Still can’t eat the whole burger, huh?” He chuckles, glancing down at his plate before his eyes come back up to mine.

  “Nope. And if I recall, you can easily eat all of yours and half of mine. I’m assuming that hasn’t changed.”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t eat nearly as much in prison. I think my stomach may have shrunk a little.”

  “So are you telling me you’re not going to eat half of my burger like you always used to?”

  “No, I’m definitely going to eat it. I’m just saying it might be a little more difficult than it used to be.” He picks up the sandwich and takes a massive bite.

  “You’re exactly as I remember.” My thoughts coming out without me intending them to.

  “What do you mean?” he asks around a mouthful of food.

  “I don’t know. You were gone for so long. Sometimes I thought maybe I had imagined how cute and funny you were. In fact, I had convinced myself that when, or if, I ever saw you again I’d realize immediately that the feelings I thought I harbored for you was some stupid teenage crush and that you’d turn out to be a complete douche.”

  “Is that your way of saying you don’t think I’m a douche?” His shoulders shake with laughter but no sound comes out of his mouth.

  “I guess so.” I shrug, picking up another fry.

  “Well, I guess that’s good to know.” He watches me slide the fry through ketchup before dropping it in
to my mouth. “And the stupid teenage crush?”

  “Not stupid. And not a crush. Something much, much more than that.”

  “I still can’t believe I had no idea that you felt that way about me.”

  “I buried it pretty deep. Truthfully, I would have been mortified if you had found out back then.”

  “And now.”

  “I think you know where I stand now.” I give him a knowing look.

  “So we’re two weeks in... No regrets yet?”

  “Not a single one,” I answer with complete honesty. “You?”

  “Not for even a second.”

  “Careful, Mr. Thorpe. You might have me thinking you’re starting to fall for me,” I say playfully.

  “There’s no starting to. I’ve done swan dived off a hundred-foot cliff.”

  I swear, if it was socially acceptable to stand up on a booth and scream out in joy while I danced around like a lunatic, I would not be sitting still in my seat right now, trying to act like what he just said hasn’t skyrocketed my feelings to a whole other level.

  “I want to tell Finn,” he adds before I have too much time to celebrate the victory he just handed to me.

  “Not yet.” I shake my head.

  I don’t know why the thought of telling my brother terrifies the hell out of me. It’s not like he isn’t currently dating my best friend. He would have absolutely no room to talk. But unfortunately his opinion means a lot more to me than I wish it did. And I know it does for Ryland, too.

  I think deep down we both know that without Finn’s blessing, we don’t stand a chance. And I’m just not ready to rip that Band-Aid off yet.

  “Ainsley.” He leans back in the booth, lifting his beer bottle to his lips.

  “Don’t look at me like that, Ryland. It’s been two weeks. We’re still figuring things out. I don’t want to drag Finn into this yet.”

  “Do you like me?” he asks, setting his beer on the table.

  “What kind of question is that? You know I do.”

  “Do you want to be with me?”

  “Again, you already know I do.”