by Amie Knight
“God, this mouth. I think about it every day. Every night. These lips. I can’t stop thinking about how they will taste. How they will feel against my own,” he said quietly and reverently.
His thumb on my mouth was driving me mad. I wanted to reach out with my tongue and taste it. But I needed to speak. However, I couldn’t get the words to come. Shock and arousal stilted my words. They were stuck in my throat. I couldn’t tell him that I thought about his mouth too. That I thought about him. All the time. That I adored his sweet but moody nature. That he was the star in every fantasy I’d ever had. But he was also forbidden. There were too many barriers between me and the girl I loved most in this world. I couldn’t allow Adrian to be another one. I pressed a soft kiss to the pad of his thumb, praying that he would understand. Hoping that he knew.
He growled low in his throat and set his determined eyes to mine. “Sunshine, I’m going to kiss you. I can’t stop. I know it will change everything. But I can’t not kiss you. Not for one more minute.” He ran his nose along mine.
I felt my eyes flutter closed.
“Tell me to stop. Tell me not to kiss you before I ruin everything. Tell me now.” His words danced across my lips so softly.
I dropped my head back to the door and parted my lips, taking in big gulps of air. I was burning up from the inside out. Anyone and everything outside of this tiny, blanketed-in-shadows room ceased to exist for me. There was no hope for it. I wanted it. In that moment, I wanted that kiss more than anything. I couldn’t deny him or myself any longer.
Adrian curled his fingers at the nape of my neck. He placed his thumb to my chin, tilting my head back down, closer to his. His questioning eyes met mine, and I knew what he saw reflected in them. Yes. Yes, over and over.
His trembling lips gently pressed to my bottom lip, which caused my mouth to part on a swift intake of breath. He brought his palms to my cheeks and captured my top lip between his, sucking gently. Surely this was what heaven felt like. I had never been kissed in my life, but I knew that this was special. I knew that kisses like this were rare and beautiful. A kiss like this was born from years of friendship and love.
Of their own accord, my hands fisted the front of Adrian’s shirt. I stood on tiptoe and pressed my lips more firmly to his. I delicately slid my tongue across his bottom lip. I just wanted one taste of my boy with the ocean-blue eyes. Adrian parted his mouth and his tongue met mine on a pained groan. I swallowed his groan down and echoed it with one of my own. Butterflies swarmed my belly. Adrian moved one hand from my cheek and grabbed the back of my hair, maneuvering my head any way he liked. He ate at my mouth like a starving man, and I was gone. Done for. His lips and his tongue destroyed me again and again. It was sweet torture I never wanted to stop. He pulled my hands away from his chest and wrapped them around his neck. We kissed and kissed, his chest pressed close to mine, the beat in my heart eventually syncing up with the cadence of his. It was music. Our song. And it might have been my favorite piece ever.
Adrian finally pulled back, taking a couple of steps away. His glasses were a steamy, smudged-up mess. It was adorable. He ran his trembling hands through his hair.
“Fuck. I knew you’d taste like that,” he said, his lips swollen and wet. They looked lush and overripe, and I wanted them again.
I managed to find a small bit of my voice. “Like what?” I croaked out between my bruised and kiss-swollen lips.
His face was full of unspoken love and possession as he considered his next words. “Like the honeysuckle by the creek in the afternoon. Like s’mores by the fire pit at night. Like donuts on Christmas morning.” He pressed his lips to mine again and whispered across them, “Like you’re mine.”
“Like you’re mine.”
I couldn’t stop obsessing over Adrian’s words to me. I had spent the rest of the day in a fog, floating on the exquisite high of intimacy. I didn’t hear a word my teachers said. I didn’t take a single note. Adrian’s kisses had made me completely useless. But I was fine with that. I daydreamed all day long about the ferocity of his mouth and his sweet words. On the bus ride home, Adrian sat right next to me and I didn’t say a word. Miranda got on the bus and took a seat next to Lori, giving me a “what the hell is going on?” look. I ignored her and pretended that I wasn’t sitting next to a boy who had wrecked me with one touch of his lips.
Now, I was trying my hardest to muster the energy to fill out the college applications Momma had told me to do days ago. Time was ticking, she had said. She was right. I was halfway through my junior year and I wanted to play music more than anything in the world. I needed a good music school not only to accept me, but also to hopefully foot some of my education bill. We didn’t have the cash or credit to send me to school, so my future was completely riding on my talent. I had already filled out applications for schools in Boston and Nashville, but my heart was in the Carolinas, close to home. Close to my momma and close to Adrian and Lori. The University of South Carolina was my first choice. It didn’t have the best music performance school out there, but it did have one huge benefit: location. It was less than an hour from home.
I was halfway through my application when I heard a soft knock at my door. It couldn’t have been Momma. It was too early for her to be home from work. I had an inkling who it was, so I didn’t want to answer. I didn’t want to ruin one of the most amazing days of my life with petty words and bitchy comments. I was still so hurt and angry. Her words had done irreparable damage. They had maimed and twisted our relationship from something good and pure into something ugly. I wasn’t ready to fight again. I didn’t even know if I was ready to make up. It didn’t matter though. Because Lori opened the door and poked her head in. She looked at me at my desk and took a deep breath like she was sucking in courage instead of air.
“Ains, can we talk?” Her voice was small, and I hated it.
We couldn’t talk or be honest like we always had. Our fight had changed things as surely as Adrian’s kiss had. I didn’t want her to dread talking to me, but I was struggling with how to politely tell her to fuck off.
She pushed the door open before coming in and sitting on the end of my bed. Her slumped shoulders and her bowed head revealed her desperation. “Please, Ainsley. God, please talk to me. These past three days have been the worst of my life. I can’t stand it when you’re mad at me.”
She was talking to the floor, so I couldn’t see her tears, but her voice was overflowing with them. I couldn’t stand it, so I made my way to the bed and sat next to her. I wanted to put my arms around her tiny frame and comfort her, but my pride wouldn’t let me. She hadn’t apologized for the things she’d said to me. No one had ever emotionally crushed me so horribly, and I couldn’t just let it go so easily.
“Lori, I don’t know if we should talk yet. I’m still really upset. I don’t want to fight with you, but I don’t think I am ready to speak to you.” It pained me to say it. I worried that things were never going to be the same between us again.
Lori brought her tear-stained face level with mine. Her eyes were pleading—begging, even—for a chance. “I was so mean, Ainsley. I know I was. And I’m so sorry. I just want you to forgive me. I don’t know why I said those awful things. Because they just aren’t true. I could never hate you. You are the best thing in my life. Please don’t take that away. I couldn’t bear it.”
Deep sobs racked her shoulders. She put her hands over her face and cried harder. Damn it, she was breaking my heart. I should have known I would cave two seconds into being in her presence. Our friendship held some of the best parts of us both, and even though it had only been a few days, I missed it. I missed us.
I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and brought her close. I kissed the top of her head. “I know. It’s okay, Lori. I know you’re sorry. I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have said what I said, either. But I was just so mad at you. I want you to take better care of yourself than you do. It scares me when you stay out all night and drink. You mean the world to me.
I don’t know what I would do if anything happened to you,” I said into her hair.
She pulled back and looked at me. “Sometimes, I’m so sad, Ains. I can’t stop it. It won’t go away.” Her eyes welled up again, and she pushed her head against my chest. “Sometimes, the only thing that stops the pain is drinking. It makes it go away. For just a little while, I feel like a normal girl. A girl whose mom loves her and didn’t dump her on someone else. How could she do it, Ainsley? How can she go to Gram’s and see her and not ask about me? How can she call Aunt Jessi for money and not want to speak to me? Why does she hate me? What did I do wrong?”
God, why hadn’t she said anything to me before? How long had she been feeling this way? My gut churned with regret. I should have known. I should have seen this coming. Of course it would hurt to see your momma around town and have her treat you like a virtual stranger. I should have helped before she’d started drinking. But I could help her now. And I would.
“Oh, Lori. No. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your momma’s not right. She’s sick. She’s an addict. It’s not that she doesn’t love you. The drugs control her. It is not your fault at all. You’re perfect and beautiful, and if your momma wasn’t so sick, she would see it because it’s impossible not to. Please tell me you understand that?”
Her crying quieted while I held her to my chest for what felt like a long time. She pulled back, and scooted to the top of my bed, and laid her head on my pillow. I did the same, inching next to her on my side. It felt good. Normal.
She smiled and said, “Don’t ever stop loving me, Ainsley. You’re my favorite person in the whole world. I couldn’t stand to lose you.”
I smiled back at her and leaned over to pinch the end of her nose. “Like I could ever stop loving you. Who will put me in my place when I’m feeling too perfect?” I laughed.
Lori didn’t think I was funny. “Dang, Ains. That’s not what I meant.” She frowned, and her forehead wrinkled in thought. “Well, I guess it is. It’s just… You are good at everything and everyone loves you. You don’t even have to try. Sometimes, I guess I get jealous. I know I shouldn’t. I know you love me. It’s just hard. But you are wonderful to me. You are the very best, and I don’t want you to change at all.”
We’d been together long enough for me to understand her scattered thoughts.
“I was only joking, girl. It’s okay. Let’s just forget it ever happened and never let it happen again. Okay? I hate fighting with you too,” I said.
Lori grabbed the piece of hair I liked to twirl and rubbed it between her fingers. “So, Adrian, huh?” she asked.
My eyes snapped to hers. I immediately felt panicked. I wasn’t ready to discuss my friendship with Adrian. Relationship? Hell, I didn’t know. But I did know that my other friends didn’t make me want something more. They didn’t make me feel like I was floating on a puffy cloud.
But, if Lori asked me right this minute to give him up, I would. I knew I would—I already had once before. Admittedly, it had been easier to give him up then. A lot easier than it would be at this point. I had tasted him at this point. I had ridden the high of unchecked passion with him. It would be hard to let him go, but I would do it for her. I’d do anything for her.
“Lori, I don’t—”
She cut me off. “Ainsley, it’s okay. I promise.” She stroked my hair and gave me a reassuring look. “I’ve always known that Adrian liked you that way. You two are both the most amazing people I know. It’s only fair that you end up together. Don’t get me wrong. Adrian is gorgeous, sweet, and kind. Any girl would be lucky to have him. But you, Ains—you deserve him. If you’re happy, I’m happy.”
I didn’t miss the look of wistfulness that traversed her features. I didn’t miss the glimpse of heartache in her smile. I also didn’t miss the fact that Loralie Nicole James loved me just as much as I loved her. The sheer magnitude of what she was doing wasn’t lost on me. The sweet bond and the emotional ties of our relationship flooded my body.
She was telling me that it was okay to be with Adrian. I didn’t think she had ever bestowed me with a better present. I’d never be able to tell her what it meant to me. But I didn’t think I needed to, either. It seemed she knew—or she wouldn’t have given me such a precious gift. I hadn’t thought I could love Lori more than I already did, but in that moment, my heart swelled so big that I felt like I could float away.
I probably should’ve told Lori that I didn’t want Adrian. That she could have him or that neither of us would be with him. But I couldn’t. Because I was too greedy. I had wanted him for too long. And, now that Adrian and I could be an us and not a mirage in the distance, I couldn’t say no. I decided right then and there I’d be better to Lori. I wouldn’t let her drink. I wouldn’t let her sadness over her mom coerce her into making bad decisions. I’d be there for her. I wouldn’t let her push me away with words of hate. I’d make sure to never ignore her again. I’d love her through everything, even her most horrible moments. I’d fix Lori’s problems. And she’d meet a boy who couldn’t help but kiss her too. And we’d all live happily ever after.
Age 18
“Good job, Violet. Now, use your pointer finger to pluck the G string. Yes! Now, use your long finger to pluck the D string. Now, your ring finger. Use it to pluck the A string.”
I was knee-deep in a violin lesson with an adorable seven-year-old girl when the familiar ping of my phone interrupted. Again. I knew who it was before I even picked my phone up off the music stand to look. Lori. She had been texting me during the entire lesson, wanting Adrian and me to go with her to a party at Laura and Katie’s house tonight. I wasn’t particularly interested in going to a party in the first place, but especially not at Laura and Katie’s place. The identical twin girls were trouble with a capital T. They were exchange students from England and big partiers. When they weren’t drinking hard liquor in the woods across the street from the school, they were usually whoring it up with some random guys.
I checked my texts messages as I instructed Violet. “Now, use your pinkie finger and pluck the E string.”
Yep. Lori.
Lori: Please come with me tonight! It’s an end-of-the-year party and the twins’ host family is out of town. It is going to be epic!
God, I really didn’t want to go. Between studying for final exams and giving violin lessons almost every day of the week to make extra cash, I was wiped. I barely had any time to see Adrian as it was, and I was really looking forward to vegging in front of the TV with him and catching up on some Netflix. By vegging out, I meant straddling Adrian’s thighs. And, by catching up on Netflix, I meant kissing my man’s face off.
I didn’t really want Lori to go, either. Momma was already pretty pissed off with Lori ninety percent of the time lately. The girl had no fucks to give about curfew or rules in general. She smoked. She drank. She did whatever the hell she wanted and suffered Momma’s wrath. She was out of control, but there was no hope for it. Nothing we said stopped her. If anything, the more we protested something, the more she wanted to do it. So I tried not to make a big deal about the party by inviting her to stay in with Adrian and me.
Me: Why don’t you stay in with Adrian and me tonight and help us catch up on some Netflix?
I knew her answer would be no before I’d even wasted my time typing up the message. Lori didn’t hang with Adrian and me anymore. This last year had been hard on all of us. Lori especially. She knew we were heading off to college while she would still be completing high school.
Change had always freaked her out, but it was coming whether she liked it or not. She was struggling through it in a Lori sort of way. Basically by partying and drinking and making bad choices. And, while I was trying to be supportive, I was getting seriously sick of her shit. That and I missed the hell out of her. I couldn’t remember the last time we had spent any real time together. Not silent rides to school together or a rushed breakfast of cereal while standing at the kitchen counter. Real time. Turns out it isn’t so eas
y to fix someone’s problems, especially if they don’t want them to be fixed. It had been a hard pill to swallow, that I couldn’t make everything better for Lori. And that pill had tasted bitter and hurt going down.
I checked the clock and realized I was five minutes past the end of my lesson. I said a quick goodbye to Violet and her parents and headed to my ancient, white pickup parked in the driveway. It was a beater, but I had paid cash, in full, all by myself. Turns out giving violin lessons pay pretty damn well. I’d even managed to save a good bit for my first year at college as well.
I checked my phone again to see if Lori had texted back. She hadn’t. She was probably angry at me now and ignoring me. She did this sometimes when things didn’t go her way. I took a calming breath and shot Adrian a text.
Me: On my way home.
Even with Lori’s shit today, I still managed to pull out of the drive with a smile on my face. I was looking forward to spending the evening with Adrian. We didn’t see each other anywhere near enough. He was super busy taking drawing classes at the local technical school after a full day of high school. I was busy teaching violin, studying, and trying not to lose my shit on Lori. We had full schedules, but we still tried to fit in a few days a week of alone time. Tonight was one of those times. And school was finally done, so there would hopefully be plenty more nights to come. We both had plans to attend the University of South Carolina in the fall. His major art, mine music.
Adrian and I hadn’t taken things much past kissing the hell out of each other and the occasional indecent grope. But, God, I wanted to. So much. I knew that he did too. I wasn’t sure what we were waiting on, but it just hadn’t felt like the right time yet. Our first time together needed to be special. Monumental, even. We’d technically been together for only a year and a half as boyfriend and girlfriend. But our relationship was based on many more years of unconditional love and acceptance. I didn’t want to settle for a sloppy, quick fuck on my twin bed before my momma came home from work. I wanted magic.