Shattered Beliefs

by Maggie Jane Schuler

  I slid into the passenger seat. Sadey had been cleaned inside and her body work polished to perfection.

  “Hello,” I said, feeling a touch flustered.

  “Hey.” Milo might not be at the forefront of fashion, but he was one of those rare people—he wore clothes, they didn’t wear him. It was a sin for any man to ooze such sexuality, confidence, charm and charisma, but he did, in spades. “Did you sleep well?”

  “In a fashion.”

  He smirked. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the way y’all talk.”

  Snap, I thought. “Understanding English is not so hard?”

  “Naw, y’all talk funny.”

  I knew he meant no slight by his words, and I took no offence. To some in England, I did talk funny, but I was expected to speak properly at all times. Slang was a dirty word in my world. “We originated the language, you know?”

  He laughed. “See, y’all proved my point.”

  His hand gripped the steering wheel, veins in his forearms popping. I knew he was teasing me. “Come on, Milo, you are far from stupid.” He grinned, and I melted.

  “I never said I was.” He revved his engine and Deidra Warren sprung to mind. “Although most folk round here would need a dictionary to understand you.”

  “So you know, I’m not looking forward to tonight.”

  “You’re not?”

  “It doesn’t seem right accepting an invitation to somebody’s home and lying through my back teeth.”

  “Where’s the lie?”

  “We’re not going to tell Seth anything, am I right?”

  “Not yet, nope, so technically there’s no lie.”

  “Others won’t see it that way, Milo…” I thought of Logan and Seth once the cat was out of the bag. “...and I agreed to do it your way, but it doesn’t sit right with me, and I would rather be honest about it.” A flash of unease coated the air, but I wouldn’t hold my tongue for fear of upsetting him. This facade pointed to him, he had to remember that. “I’m not backing out of the deal either for the record.”

  “Let’s enjoy the night, and afterwards we can spend some time together at your place and talk.”

  “Yes, okay.” Perhaps the process of reconciliation with his heart and mind had yet to begin. Maybe he was at a loss of how to handle the situation. After all, Gay World was a familiar and comforting place to me to exist in, but for him, it would be as alien as Jupiter. I wouldn’t press the matter for now, but a conversation that didn't involve falling into one another’s arms seems in order.

  It’s good to see Seth. I’m reminded why there was that initial spark of attraction between us. He’s cute, kind, intelligent, and despite the wall of lies concocted by Milo and myself, I felt at ease around him, not least because there was openness from the start. We both knew what the other was and made no apology for it.

  But, two games were being played, and I controlled neither one.

  “So much for playing baseball,” Milo huffed. I’m guessing he’s pissed off he can’t show off his skills.

  “I’m sorry to have ruined the evening,” I lied. “But baseball is not my thing.”

  He screws up his face. “What is your kinda thing?”

  “Stop griping, Milo.” Seth thankfully jumped to my defence. “Brits don’t play baseball.”

  “Yeah, I know,” he snapped back. “Soccer and rugby.”

  “We play football, not soccer, smart arse.” I enjoy correcting him. I flashed Seth a cheeky grin. We were on the same wavelength and enjoyed teasing Milo. “If you are going to sulk, at least get your facts straight.”

  Seth snorted a laugh. “Come on you two, are we playing poker or not?”

  “Naw.” Milo dropped his card face up.

  “Ha! I knew it.” I was going to enjoy this. “You don’t want to play cards because you have a shit hand.”

  “Bullshit,” he protested, obviously annoyed to have declared his hand. “I was just getting started.”

  Seth shook his head. He’d obviously been witness to Milo’s competitive nature before. “You’re such a sore loser, Milo.”

  “Fuck this, I’m starving.” He couldn’t argue the point so switched topics instead.

  I was pleased because I wasn’t in the mood for card games either.

  “I’ll order the pizza.” Seth reached for his mobile phone. “Any requests, and yes, I already know, Edward, vegetarian for you.”

  Three empty pizza boxes sat on Seth’s coffee table.

  Stuffed to the rafters and desperate to loosen my belt a notch, I couldn’t decide what was worse; playing cards or eating with my fingers, but I had been invited into somebody else’s home and would behave accordingly.

  Making my excuses, I retired to the bathroom to wash the grease off my hands and brush my teeth. I always carried a Dent-o-care fingertip toothbrush for such moments. I looked at myself in the mirror and hated what I saw. Deception crushed me, and I wavered, unsure of this charade. It scared me to talk in fear of putting my foot in it. Perhaps socialising together stepped over the boundary. If I felt as anxious as this, God knows how Milo felt.

  Returning to the living room, Milo kept a respectable distance, his body language warning me not to step over into his personal space. There was to be no over familiarity, touching, leaning, or shooting looks of want and desire across the room. I understood his reasoning, not that I liked it much.

  Seth piped up. “What a coincidence we all know one another.”

  “Yes, quite,” I replied while Milo shifted uncomfortably in the chair nearest the window. On driving duties, he wasn’t drinking which killed the vibe somewhat, but Seth had sunk a few beers and was oblivious to what was happening right under his nose.

  Seth drained the bottle, cast it aside, and cracked open another. “You know, I was gonna ask you on a date until our Milo connection revealed itself, then I didn’t think it was a good idea.”

  “I’m flattered, but you’re probably right.”

  “Have you met many decent dudes here?”

  I had little chance to speak because it seemed Milo couldn’t wait to answer on my behalf. “Edward’s had a few dates with Logan.”

  “Logan?” Seth’s eyes widened at the mention of his name. “Have you really?”

  Where the hell did that come from? “They are hardly dates, but we are very good friends, and that is all.”

  I watched the muscles in his jaw tighten. Jealousy coursed through his veins.

  “Oh, yeah!” Seth drifted off. “He is hot!”

  Milo scrunched his face up. “The dude is a dick.”

  “That is not fair, Milo.” I wouldn’t allow him to bad mouth Logan because he couldn’t control his petty, jealous nature. “Logan is a decent guy, and I enjoy spending time with him, the same as I do you and Seth.”

  “You could always invite him over to join us,” Seth added unhelpfully. A lopsided grin appeared on his face. I knew what he was thinking, and he would be right, too. Logan was delicious.

  I watched Milo’s eyes widen and rubbing salt into the open wound by inviting Logan over would be the best remedy. But I wouldn’t because dealing with lies and subterfuge on this level made my skin crawl and adding another into the mix only convoluted the mess more, and I didn’t need it. “He is working tonight, so maybe another time.”

  “Shame.” Seth’s eyes drifted. A few more beers and he would be out for the count, leaving me free to make my excuses.

  “Yeah, shame,” Milo added, his mood darkening.

  I was not happy about the subterfuge or agreeing to partake in anything that made me as uncomfortable as this did. I have not dealt in deceit and lies since limping out of the closet and was far from happy to be enveloped in drama that was likely to leave a trail of destruction in its wake.

  “So, Edward,” Seth slurred, “Tell me more about Logan. Is he still good in the sack?”

  “We’re friends, nothing more, so I can’t help you with that one.”

  “Do we have to talk abo
ut him?” Milo grunted.

  “Oooh!” Seth teased. “Somebody is jealous.”

  If only he knew how close to the mark his comment landed.

  “Shut it,” Milo snapped back.

  “He’s a nice guy, but friends is all we’ll ever be.” I didn’t want to explain the nature of my friendship with Logan and didn’t see why I should have to, but a few simple words seemed to settle Milo’s inner rage. His volatile nature concerned me, and I once again questioned if this is learned behaviour, and, if so, which of his parents was the teacher.

  “I wonder if he is still using Grindr?”

  “Drop it, will ya.” Milo stomped out of the room.

  “What’s with him?” Seth cracked open another beer and took a hearty gulp.

  “I think that overdue assignment is on his mind.” Complete lies but what else could I say?

  I worried about Milo and Seth’s friendship.

  You are playing with fire, Edward, and will get burnt. My mother’s warning in the back of my mind rang through my ears. I should listen but I knew I wouldn’t.

  Regret was my best friend and, make no mistake, it would come back and bite me on the arse.

  As much as I told myself to get out while I could, I was in, hook, line, and sinker. Disaster loomed on the horizon, any fool could see it, but Milo controlled my emotions as the moon controlled the tide.

  Milo re-entered the room and quickly surveyed the scene. I got the sense he didn’t trust Seth in his drunken state and wondered if he’d ever made a move on him. “Are you ready to go, Edward?”

  “Aww, you’re goin’?” Seth slurs.

  “I think your bed is calling.” I was ready to go, but I felt rude leaving so abruptly. If I convinced him to call the night done and dusted, I could leave without guilt eating me up.

  “You’re probably right.” He held out a hand. “Help me up.” I did as he asked but pulled him a little too hard and right into my arms.

  There’s a moment, not from my side, but his, and terror took hold. He was about to lean in and kiss me. Milo saw it, too. “You have the most amazing eyes, Edward, has anybody ever told you that?”

  “You’re pissed, but, thank you.” I looked to Milo, imploring, begging without words. “Help me get him to his room.”

  “I’ll take him.” Milo took Seth’s weight and walked him slowly to what I assumed was the bedroom. “Get a pan from the kitchen in case he spews.” I wanted to vomit at the thought. Seth chucking his guts up into kitchenware and made a mental note never to eat anything freshly prepared while there.

  “Well, that was eventful.” I tried to make light of the situation once settled in Sadey. “He doesn’t half knock them back.”

  “What does that mean?” Milo spoke in hushed tones.

  “It means he is fond of a drink as you well know.” I found the atmosphere between us and decided to try and break it. “There is no need for you to be jealous of Logan or Seth.”

  “Who said I was?”

  “Your face for a start.”

  “I’m not trying to be a dick, but this is fucking hard.”

  “You want to keep us a secret, but your behaviour tonight would have given the game away if Seth wasn’t as pissed as he was.”

  Sadey rounded the corner, way too fast. “I can’t help how I feel.”

  I held onto the seat. “Slow down, please.”

  “I’m not going that fast, Edward.” His hands remained glued to the steering wheel. I wondered if he thought about throttling somebody, and who the unlucky recipient of his anger is.

  “Faster than you should be, so unless you want to drop me off on this corner, calm down and slow down.”

  “If it makes you happy…” He flashed a grin at me, and I wanted to punch him in the mouth.

  “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Milo.”

  “Says who?”

  I refused to be drawn into a juvenile argument with him. “Pull over and I will Uber back to Kissing Hills.”

  “But I thought—”

  “Then you thought wrong.”

  He eased his foot off the accelerator. “Hey, man, come on, I’m sorry.”

  “Idiot.” I rudely interrupted him, unable to deal with his constant switches to personality. I could feel the heat rising from my neck to cheeks and told myself to remain calm. “It’s like dealing with my five-year-old cousin, but he has more sense than you seem to.” I crossed my arms, and pursed my lips together, aware I would be considered a petulant child.

  “Come on, Edward.” He rested his hand briefly on my knee before I pushed it away. “Let’s start again.”

  “You are an absolute dickhead, Milo Garcia, do you know that?”

  “Well, I do now.”

  Rarely had anybody pushed my buttons the way he did. “Stop the fucking car, or I’ll jump out.” Yes, I was ready to accept my Oscar for Best Actor.

  He slowed Sadey to a stop, and I pushed the door open, ready to make my escape. He put a hand on my shoulder to stop me. It was probably for the best because I did not have a clue where I was. “I don’t want you to go, but I won’t force you to stay.”

  “What is it you want from me?” I blurted out. “Or is it more the case, you don’t want me but nobody else can.”

  He turned to face me and for the first time I could see genuine longing. “I do want you, Edward, but this is new for me. I don’t do dudes and never have…”

  “I have no words…”

  “What have I said now?”

  “I don’t want to be another notch on your bedpost, Milo.”

  “If I wanted that, I’d have fucked you by now.”

  “Cocky wanker,” I spat.

  “You’re full of compliments tonight.” Amusement glowed from his eyes, obviously, while I was fit to burst.

  “You bring out the worst in me.” I slammed the door and enjoyed seeing him flinch. Sadey was his baby. “Take me home.”

  “Yes, Sir!” He slammed Sadey into gear.

  “Don’t think you’re forgiven.”

  “I’m sure I’ll find a way to make it up to you.”

  I wouldn’t smile as much as I wanted to. He would crawl over hot coals to win my forgiveness, or maybe I’d settle for something I had been craving since setting eyes upon Milo. He might not give it too freely, but I would work magic to pull him into my web.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Milo

  My stomach rolled over and over, with Edward sitting quiet and upset in the passenger seat. Many girls sat in the same seat, angry and baring their teeth at my nonchalance toward whatever I’d done to bring on the shitty attitude, but Edward forced me to consider being accountable for my actions. I cared what he thought for some reason; my ego begged for his respect; my heart yearned for his trust. Both screamed profanities in my head and scolded me to fix this immediately.

  A hint of nauseous excitement about him remaining in the car and choosing me instead of abandoning our fucked up situation, left me anxious and plotting what to do next. The banter of my inner-self kept pushing me deeper into the unknown. A place where confusion held high court since my father believed the only way for relationships to exist lay in hetero terms and not in the deep-rooted love and affection of a person; most of the state agreed with his narrow view.

  “You want me to turn on the radio?” I figured it might break the tension if we found common ground.

  He only shrugged his shoulders. Small win, he answered.

  We drove along a long stretch of highway between Seth’s apartment and Kissing Hills—no lights, no traffic, which provided me a good amount of time to rest my hand on his knee. He didn’t swat it away, so I took the chance and shifted from his knee up to his thigh and paused.

  “You cleaned up at poker tonight.”

  “Yes.” One-word answers came off the same as when a girl speaks that ugly word ‘fine’ in the middle of a fight. He called me out for quitting when I drew a bad hand. If he only read my mind and saw the truth behind my actions—I stru
ggled with keeping Seth in the closet. A smirk drew upon my face at the irony.

  Edward’s frustration with my terms also burned me to my core, as this did not reflect the deep inner workings of my character. Honesty meant more to me my whole life, and asking him to mask our situation forced me to face things that tugged me away from my true north. Another reason Edward should be running from me. Unlike my father’s ugly inner self, mine shattered at the thought of my actions of demanding Edward be someone he was not and me as well. Realistically, who was Milo Garcia?

  Pressure built in my chest as I recognized how out of my league touching Edward, and knowing his body’s reactions, was to me. Women were easier, and I knew my way around those go to and no-go zones. Edward never shifted as my hand made lazy circles up his thigh, but he also remained sitting comfortably without moving away or stopping me.

  “You can drop me at the gate.” Ice poured right over my head, and my confidence dropped a few pegs.

  Acquiescing, never a part of my persona, and no way in hell would I leave Edward to walk and let this thing between us drop until we figured it out, I matter-of-factly stated, “It’s late, I’ll take you to the door.” My hand continued and migrated more toward his zipper. He kept his calm demeanor and ignored my remark.

  Sadey rolled up to the gate, and Edward stared forward out the windshield. The remote for the gate on his keys had dropped to the floor after our fight a few miles after we left Seth’s. I took a final brave chance and gazed my fingers over his cock. It strained against my touch. That made the two of us equally hard and tense as I used my knee to hold the steering wheel straight and shift into first with my left hand. Not like I hadn’t had a handful of pussy while driving before. However, I had more to lose this time.

  His breath hitched as he leaned forward for his keys. “You can drop me off at the driveway. But as far as I am concerned, our day ends there.”