Shattered Beliefs

by Maggie Jane Schuler

  “Don’t get too far ahead of yourself.”

  “Sure, Milo. For the record, you’re suggesting that allowing him to show affection isn’t a sign he owns you.” He ticked off a fake checkmark in the air. “Shit, you never let Deb touch you with others around. Even when she came for game night at my place.”

  “Stop. It’s his English thing to be all up in someone’s business. Believe me, Edward had issues of this sort from day one in class.” I brushed off Seth’s comments, believing if I didn’t appreciate Edward’s show of affection, then I didn’t have to admit the hard truth—everything in my core wanted him. He revved every piston and fired every cylinder inside me. Edward lifted me up to want more for me, but most of all, I wanted his affection and attention because he wasn’t judgmental about rumors around town or bloodlines being so thick, they strangled you. He made it easy to be me—something I rarely experienced.

  “Don’t do that.”

  “Do what?”

  “Downgrade your happiness because you’re—” His index finger pointed at me and gestured up and down my body in the air. “Well, the great Milo—the untouchable. The one hidden behind legend and mystery. You think people don’t know you. I do. And to be honest, it’s nice to see you relaxed. You’re more yourself—the kid I grew up with and not the uptight asshat you are when others are around.” Seth understood me down to how much I loathed being sized up next to my father. They had no idea about the monster I grew up with. Their legendary football guru hid behind fists and alcohol and verbal lashings to boot.

  I hid because the scars left in his path scorched holes in my soul, but Seth saw through all of that and nailed the truth to a T. Edward healed me in ways I didn’t realize I’d only bandaged up for years. But this left me wondering, if I’d given my other girlfriends a chance to get to know the real me, would they have loved me or still been attached to the idea of being related to a legend? I’d never given them the opportunity as I never opened the door for them.

  “How about we talk about—”

  “Howdy, boys?” My chest dropped as I caught a glance of Logan showered and dressed to the nines. Nothing like the worn-out ranch hand jeans he’d picked up his truck in and the ratty T-shirt. His bar clothes were fitted, but they were a uniform, not like this ensemble he wore now. This resembled a peacock on display and more of the look I’d imagine Edward dating prior to me.

  “Look who brought our pizza?” Edward followed Logan out of the slider.

  He stopped cold when his eyes landed on my scowl. I didn’t understand what game he planned on playing tonight, but Logan didn’t know we were together, and this type of bullshit wasn’t the type I wanted to be a part of and the reason my walls snapped up immediately. My conversation with Seth washed away in one big torrential downpour of horse shit.

  Logan broke the silence. “I thought you boys were more into your video games instead of garden parties. I mean, Edward and I enjoy the outdoors, music, and stuff all the time.”

  Edward shifted his weight from one leg to the other before setting himself firmly between Logan and me. Not close to either one, but this wasn’t the relaxed Edward who planted a kiss and allowed me to smack his ass with Seth around. No, he received the message that I didn’t like surprises, and I caught him in his lie about telling his good friend Logan that he was off the market.

  “Hey, thanks for fixin’ my truck. It means a lot to me that you had the time.”

  My defenses stayed up, but I gave a cordial, “You’re welcome. Anytime. I know your daddy works hard on that ranch. It’s been a tough few years for those smaller ranches.”

  Edward broke the silence, “Food is served in the kitchen. Grab what you want and bring it out here while I light the fire table.”

  I grabbed my second beer, which I’d only had a sip of, and walked into the kitchen, setting it near the sink. Sobriety became important the moment Logan entered. My night at Edward’s seemed cut short as I mulled over how the words I spoke to Seth now felt like lies, and Edward simply played me.

  “I’m gonna hit the head. You guys eat up.” The break in the bathroom was a necessary moment for me to gather myself. I suppose this stab in my gut might be jealousy—an emotion that never crossed my path. I’d spent my life avoiding serious relationships and all the messy stuff that comes with them. I didn’t grapple with this jealous feeling much either. Everything screamed at me to slip out the door and leave. All those insecurities breathed down my neck while I stood before the mirror, debating if I was making a mountain out of a molehill or simply wanted to squeeze Edward’s balls a little since he was the one to set up these rules for dating. The day he told me to tell Seth or else and then he didn’t follow through, begged the question, and fueled this urge to leave, was he dating us both?

  “Are you feeling poorly?” Edward asked through the door.

  “Yeah. I’ll be right out.” My hands slid under the water for a moment before opening the door.

  “What are you doing?” Edward wore a worried line across his brow, one that spoke to the mixed emotions swarming his mind as to whether he should be angry or worried. “I’m using the bath—”

  “Not that. Why did you change?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.” I barged past him.

  “Don’t you dare push past me and act like a spoilt brat.”

  “I promise you this is not a spoilt brat, as you say.”

  “Then what crawled up your arse when Logan arrived?”

  “Why don’t you tell me, playboy?”

  “Playboy, what on Earth are you talking about?”

  “What do you think I am suggesting?” Heat rose up the back of my neck, and the anger warmed my cheeks.

  “Milo, do you think, after our time together, I’d be so daft as to date two guys?”

  “I think I held my end of our agreement.”

  “Would you prefer it if I announced to Logan I’m off the market, then maybe dry hump you in front of my guests in a public manner to prove how much I’m in this, whatever it is, with you?” Edward hissed at a level for only me to hear. Something struck me instantly; his manners prevented him from a public argument. In my family, we simply shut our mouths and stayed silent until we got home.

  Challenged by this revelation, I raised his hiss and growled loud enough for the sound to drift around the corner and out the door to the patio, “Are you embarrassed by me?”

  He grabbed my hand and pulled me into the den, shutting the door behind us. When he turned to face me, fire blazed in his pupils. However, his restraint held tight, and he matter-of-factly spoke, “How dare you think I play games. I have given you no reason to think otherwise. My trust and loyalty should never be a question in your mind.”

  “Hold on there.”

  He held his hand in the air stopping me. “I have guests, invited or not, Milo.” I could see thoughts formulating. “If you want to argue, then I suggest you return to the bathroom and have it out with your own reflection in the mirror because you are the problem here right now.” He puffed out his cheeks, wanting to say so much more, but his rigid upbringing wouldn’t permit him taking it any further. “I will never lower my standards by arguing in public, nor will I ever make guests feel uncomfortable in my home. Do I make myself clear?”

  I inhaled and held the breath in before finishing where he interrupted me, “You were the one to lay out the terms of this relationship. I fulfilled my part of the deal. Logan was yours. And he happened to show up tonight. Unexpected? Why?”

  “I don’t know why. But we’re friends, and friends drop by from time to time.”

  “Your neighborhood is gated. Nobody drops by without specific intentions.”

  He huffed, clearly tired of my reaction. “I’ll tell Logan about us. Will you stop acting like a caveman and come have dinner if I do that?”

  Logan left me uneasy, always had, and the entire issue set me pacing the floor of the study. Something I only did when alone in my garage. It gave me the
ability to think better, and right now, I didn’t know exactly how to pinpoint what upset me. Edward playing me, a direct reflection of how I played women all my life? No, that wasn’t what this situation meant. Could it be that he didn’t trust me, and so he let Logan believe there was a chance? That made actual sense.

  Pacing a few more times before standing still before him, with my hands shoved in my pockets, I licked my lips and startled myself with an honest confession. “You’re right. I’m jealous, and I don’t know how to handle myself with this all happening so fast.” I told him the truth. A first for me. Not that I told lies all the time, but actually telling someone how I felt and what bothered me was new.

  “Milo, why? I only have eyes for you. I didn’t tell Logan to toy with your feelings. I’ve been so busy and hadn’t connected with him until he turned up out of the blue tonight.” He reached for my hand and pulled me close. Another first, other than my mother, he showed me I mattered. “Oh, babe.”

  With regret sitting heavy on my chest, the reality of the moment hit me. “I guess we need to get back out to your dinner party. I’d rather go upstairs and make up.” I waggled my eyebrows before placing a kiss on his lips.

  “Good heavens, no.” I wanted to laugh at the look of sheer horror on his face. “A host never leaves the party before the last guest departs.” Was he kidding me? “If you behave yourself, you can show me how sorry you are later, as many times as takes your fancy, but for now, let’s go and entertain the boys and enjoy the rest of this evening.”

  Hand in hand, we walked out to the patio, and Logan’s eyes popped out of his head as he choked on his beer. He coughed out, “Well, I’ll be damned.”

  “Logan, this is the man I’ve been telling you about.” Edward placed his hand on my chest. Instead of removing it like I did when anyone else touched me, I set my hand on his.

  “So, is this common knowledge, and I’m late for the news?”

  And this was where my mouth landed me in the doghouse. “No. With everything going on, we’re only telling a select few.” Seth chuckled as he walked toward the pool letting all the pieces fall around me.

  “Huh. So, you alright with this, Edward?”

  “What we have is new, and as Milo said, we’re only telling a select few while we work on things.” He pulled on his hand, but I pushed it harder into my chest.

  “Look, Logan, this is only common to the four of us here, and I need some time. Time to work things out at home. I know you’ve seen the news. The first step is getting Edward to agree to Thanksgiving at my house.”

  Edward’s breath hitched as this news made the airways for all to hear. Seth turned back, waiting to hear more. “Well, I suppose we can talk about that later.”

  “I hear Milo’s mom cooks up a storm. The local ranchers tell me her biscuits are to die for. She makes those honey-kind and hands them out as thanks every year to all the local ranchers who support the stockyards. What’s it, she made somewhere around five hundred of those things every year?”

  Logan complimenting my mom struck me as strange as well. We’d never been close as he was a couple of years older, but I didn’t know he was aware of my mom’s gratitude this time of year.

  “Yeah, she’s amazing.” I sounded like a total dick with that answer, but the thought of the invite handed over to Edward for Thanksgiving was undoubtedly the next step to opening up the truth to my mom about how I felt about Edward. A heavy thudding in my chest began, and I was certain Edward felt it, too.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Edward

  Logan was only a friend, but I felt I owed him an explanation. He had been a lifeline when I needed somebody to talk, and I’d repaid him by snaking around.

  It was plain to see he had feelings for me, so maybe, deep in my subconscious, I was protecting him. Maybe my reasoning was absolute tripe, and I was simply a coward.

  Whatever my excuse, I approached his apartment building, tail between my legs, prepared for some home truths to be swiftly delivered.

  Logan answered his door in low slung jeans and cowboy boots. Sweat glistened on his chiselled torso. “Well, howdy, Edward. This is a nice surprise.” I was always dazzled by his perfect smile.

  It wasn’t the welcome I had anticipated. “I’m sorry to call round unannounced, Logan...” This was a major faux pas on the etiquette scale. “...but I need to talk to you. Can I come in?”

  “Sure.” He stepped aside. “Come in and make yourself comfortable.”

  I took my usual seat on his sofa. “It is important, or I wouldn’t turn up uninvited.”

  “You’re welcome here anytime and don’t need an invitation, but before we do anything else, can I get you a drink?”

  “No, thank you.” My mouth was dry, but I had worked up the nerve and had to speak my truth before I talked myself out of it.

  “Okay, shoot.” He plonked himself down opposite me.

  “I owe you an apology.”

  “What for?” He knew why but it seemed he was too polite to haul me over the coals.

  “The whole Milo thing. I should have told you the truth about what was going on.”

  “It isn’t a big deal, Ed, but, yes, you shoulda told me.”

  “I wanted to, but Milo and I aren’t exactly on a level playing field right now. Things haven’t gone as I would have expected.”

  “I kinda got that impression last night with the whole working things out spiel. I gotta say, I wouldn’t have figured you for the hiding in the closet kind.”

  His words cut me to the quick. My worst fear was betraying who I was, but for Milo I compromised my values.

  “It’s hard for him.”

  “Yeah, I get that but what about you, or are his needs the only ones that matter in this, umm...relationship?”

  “That’s not fair.”

  “Hey, I’m playing devil’s advocate here, and on neither side, but the truth is, you’re Milo’s first dip in Gay World, and you know better than anybody he has a certain reputation with the ladies, and I worry you’re just another notch on his bedpost.” He shrugged his shoulders like his words meant nothing. Effectively, he was telling me Milo wasn’t to be trusted, that I was an experiment.

  Maybe I should listen because Logan was one of the good guys. He had my back as he was so fond of saying and wouldn’t stir the pot for any other reason than concern. “You’re meant to be impartial here?”

  “I’m trying to be, but what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t tell y’all what I think?”

  “I think I’ll have that drink now.”

  “Soda, or something stronger?”

  “Beer is fine, if you have it.”

  “Comin’ right up.”

  Logan wasn’t the type to drink the low-calorie variety, but I’d take what he had. Returning from the kitchen and handing me the bottle, I necked half of the contents. Suppressing the need to belch, I leaned and placed the bottle on the coffee table. “I needed that.”

  “What’s really goin’ on, Edward?”

  “Nothing you don’t already know, trust me.”

  “Then why aren’t you jumping up and down, in the throes of new love?”

  “Because it’s not about what I want.” I answered every question and niggled doubt crushed me. “It’s what Milo wants.”

  He flashed a knowing smile. Logan talked sense but wasn't the I told you so type. “Is there a time limit on this arrangement you have?”

  “I think inviting me to his family Thanksgiving and introducing me to his mom is his way of showing her who I am without having to say it out loud.”

  “Can you live with that?”

  “I don’t want to push him into something he isn’t happy with.”

  “Take it from me, guys like Milo always come with emotional baggage, and there will always be an excuse. Don’t get me wrong, I want you to be happy, and if he makes you happy, I’ll keep my mouth shut and concede defeat.”

  Those last few words, conceded defeat, told me he did hold a ca
ndle for me, and was biding his time, but whatever feelings were there for me, he still wasn't the type to sabotage my happiness, even if it hampered his own. “We need to sit down and talk properly, lay our cards on the table and decide from there.”

  “I don’t doubt Milo is into you, I truly don’t, but don’t allow him or any man to reduce you to anything less than you are—which is amazing, by the way.”

  “You’re too kind to me, Logan. I don’t deserve you as a friend.”

  “Another time, another place, Ed, and I think we could have been something more, but your heart is Milo’s. I’m no fool. I truly hope he isn’t and treats you the way you deserve.”

  “I don’t know what to say.” For once, I was genuinely speechless.

  “Do what you think is right, but if there are doubts, figure them out sooner, rather than later.”

  “That’s the thing though. Do these doubts exist in my head, or…?”

  “Lemme ask you a question and try to answer me truthfully.”

  “Go on.”

  “Have you and Milo actually spent time in public as a couple, or are you always together behind closed doors?”

  Shit! It was a question I didn’t want to have to answer, but he had me in a vice like grip. There was no avoiding the truth of the matter. “We haven’t socialised as a couple yet, but that doesn’t mean we won’t when people know about us.”

  “And when y’all think that will be?”

  I shrugged my shoulders, unable to give an answer because in my heart of hearts, I wasn’t certain it would happen. So far, we had conducted our relationship behind closed doors, and Milo wasn’t in any rush to take it that step further. “I—I…”

  “It’s okay, I feel horrible for putting a downer on you two, but I make it my business to deal in the truth and so far, y’all are too cloak and dagger for my liking.”

  “Maybe if I’m right about Thanksgiving, things will change.”

  “I’m sure that will be the catalyst, if anything.”

  Was Logan blowing smoke up my arse right now, or did he actually believe what he was trying to convince me of? I wasn’t going to ask because I couldn’t handle any more truth. I owed it to Milo to support him, give him the chance to tell the world about us. If that didn’t happen, then I would take action. “You know about my family. We’ve discussed it at length.”