The Jagged Heart

by Trinity Lee

  "How do you know so much about me?"

  Caedem's gaze held his, and suddenly Phoenix felt as though he was in the presence of someone who knew him more intimately than he knew himself.

  "I've been so lonely," he said, almost to himself. "Not just the last couple of weeks, but on tour, even when I was lying there with Taylor."

  "I know," said Caedem, and Phoenix felt his hand close over his own.

  "I know," continued Caedem, "Because how do you think it felt for me, lying in a clinic, sweating, desperate for the next fix, seeing you on TV with Taylor, playing my songs, knowing that you were fucking him?"

  Phoenix felt sick. In all the time he'd been on tour with Mudride, he hadn't spared a thought for Caedem, and now he realized he needed to make things right so that he could move on.

  Caedem continued, his hand still covering Phoenix's: "I know you think you've got cash now, that something else will come along and you don't have to worry about money. But take it from me, you'll burn through it, and when the press lose interest, the calls from agents and other bands will dry up.

  "The only phone calls there'll be will be from journalists waiting to sell you drugs, waiting for you to self-destruct or to lash out at them because it would make a great story. On the other hand, If I finish this tour for you, with your help, the album you co-wrote will go stratospheric, like it deserves to, and you'll earn enough royalties from it to be able to do stuff you've always wanted to do."

  Phoenix felt empty inside.

  "I don't know what that is any more," he said flatly. "Way I feel now, I can't even imagine going on stage again. I thought about getting my old band back together, but the guys don't even play music any more. They're too busy with their regular jobs.

  "I've had calls from producers and managers, and they say, come to New York or come to LA, but I can't face finding myself an apartment and meeting a whole load of new people."

  "You poor baby," said Caedem, and there was such compassion in his voice that Phoenix felt something melt inside him.

  Caedem raised a hand to his cheek and stroked it, rubbing the stubble where Phoenix hadn't bothered to shave for a few days.

  Phoenix leaned across to kiss him, but Caedem put a hand on his chest to stop him.

  "That's the last thing you need right now," he said gently. "I'm not Taylor. You're vulnerable and I can't take advantage of you."

  Phoenix registered the hunger in Caedem's eyes and the growing bulge in the front of his jeans and thought about trying again. He was not used to being rejected, and he suddenly wanted Caedem more than he had ever wanted anyone before in his life.

  But then Caedem pulled him close and lay back on the bed, Phoenix's head on his chest, and the floodgates opened, and Phoenix was crying all the tears that he had kept pent up for the last two years.

  He lost track of how long he lay like that, Caedem's strong arms around him, one hand stroking his hair.

  And then, finally, when he was all cried out, Caedem pulled him upright into a sitting position.

  "Help me do this, Phoenix, for both of us, and for Dylan and Zed."

  "I don't know what to do any more," said Phoenix in bewilderment. "I don't even know where to go. I don't want to go back to my apartment with the photographers all there."

  "Shhh. Don't worry." He felt Caedem's lips against the top of his head, his warm breath ruffling his hair, and a deep calm descended over him.

  "I hadn't planned this," said Caedem, "But I think the best thing would be for you to come home with me. I'll take good care of you."

  "I'd like that." Phoenix smiled up at him. And then he felt a blanket being pulled up over him as he fell into a deep sleep for the first time in a week.

  He woke to hear voices. It sounded like they were arguing, and then he tuned in and realized they were arguing about him.

  Dylan's voice.

  "I'm not sure it's such a good idea, dude. Poor kid just needs to put everything behind him, not to start digging up the past again."

  "Dylan, he needs someone to take care of him. He's fragile. I'm the only one who understands what he's going through."

  "You can't offer him impartial help. You're already falling for him. Don't deny it. I can see it in your eyes when you look at him."

  "Yeah, he's hot. But I've already managed to keep my hands off him when he threw himself at me. I know he's vulnerable and I'm not going to take advantage. You've just gotta trust me."

  "Hey, I'm awake, you know," mumbled Phoenix sleepily, rubbing his eyes. "I can hear you talking about me."

  He smiled at Caedem.

  "You're still here. I thought you were a beautiful dream."

  Caedem's dark eyes met his, and there it was again, that jolt to his heart that told him he was about to fall head-over-heels in love, no matter what Dylan thought about it.

  Dylan looked from one of them to the other and sighed.

  "Jeez, I thought bringing him here could be a mistake on so many levels," he sighed. "But this is one curve ball I didn't see coming."

  Then he looked more closely at them, incredulous.

  "You know, when Murphy auditioned for us, I remember thinking to myself that he was the spitting image of you, Cae, but seeing you in the same room is spooky.

  "Murphy, now you're back in the land of the sentient, what do you really think? I thought you'd be pissed that we asked you to share your musical magic, but I wasn't expecting this."

  Phoenix smiled his most angelic smile at Dylan.

  "Caedem's offered to look after me for a while. It was a mistake coming back to this shitty town. I'm trapped in my apartment and I've got nowhere else to go. If he does this in return for me running through my songs with him, I don't see the problem. You guys get what you want, and I've got somewhere to stay while I get back on my feet."

  Dylan sighed.

  "Why do I get the feeling I'm getting in deeper and deeper? And I've just realized something else that's a total pain in the ass. Neither of you dudes can drive, right? Caedem, you never learned, unbelievable as it sounds, and Murphy lost his license after being stupid enough rack up a DUI charge."

  Caedem and Phoenix looked at each other helplessly.

  "OK, I'll do it. It's gonna be a long road trip back to California, and fuck knows how I'm going to explain to Taylor where I am if he's trying to arrange auditions, but I think I can organize it. I'll go back to the hire company, swap the Harley for a wagon and we'll get the hell out of here.

  "Murphy, you want anything from your apartment other than your guitars? Chuck me over the keys and I'll swing by there on my way back. If nothing else, it'll give the vultures something to fill their rags with this week."

  Phoenix felt a twinge of love in his heart at Dylan's sheer dependability, and a rush of gratitude that he was so ready to forgive him for wrecking his career and breaking up the band he loved.

  "No, I don't need anything except for my guitars," he whispered. "Thanks for bringing me here, Dylan. I didn't know it at the time, but it was just what I needed."

  "Don't make me regret it," growled Dylan, and Phoenix wasn't sure whether he was addressing him or Caedem.

  They heard the roar of the Harley downstairs as Dylan took off and Caedem smiled at Phoenix again with those mesmerizing eyes.

  "Shower time," he said. "And before you even think about it, I mean shower time on your own. I'm not going to join you, tempting as the thought might be."

  *****

  "I don't know why we didn't fly," complained Phoenix, stretching his legs out as he got out of the hired vehicle, eighteen hours into the trip from hell.

  Then he felt instantly guilty, noticing Dylan's eyes, red from lack of sleep and concentrating on the road.

  "We didn't fly," said Dylan, his voice deadly, "Because you and Caedem wouldn't in a million years have checked your precious guitars into the hold, and because until Mudride hit the road again, you might have forgotten that none of us have got cash flying into our checking accounts, and onc
e the record company have taken back what the album cost, there might not be any more."

  "Sorry." Phoenix bit his lower lip. "I know I shouldn't be such a spoiled brat when all you and Caedem are doing is helping me.

  Dylan, ever good-humored, just laughed.

  "C'mere, buddy." And he ruffled Phoenix's hair and pulled him into a big bear hug that made Phoenix forget all his aches and pains and misery.

  Even dog-tired after almost a whole day of driving with no sleep, Dylan was gorgeous, with his shock of blond hair, and wide blue eyes. Sam Hyde, the celebrity tattooist with whom Sam shared his bed and his life was one lucky dude, Phoenix concluded.

  They checked into the motel.

  "One room," said Dylan firmly. "Saves money and means I can keep an eye on both of you, make sure you keep your hands off each other."

  Phoenix shot a guilty glance at Caedem. How could Dylan read his mind like that?

  Throwing himself down on the bed next to Dylan felt so much like old times, bringing the bad memories flooding back along with the good ones, that Phoenix questioned his impulsive decision. But Caedem just smiled his sad smile at him, and Phoenix knew he could see the same thoughts crossing his mind, and it made him feel better, like he'd done the right thing.

  Dylan was asleep instantly his head hit the pillow. Phoenix had always envied him his ability to shut out whatever was happening in the world outside and find oblivion whenever he wanted. It had been a standing Mudride joke that Dylan had even once fallen asleep during the support band, with his head a few feet from one of the monitors, slumped in a chair at the side of the stage.

  "Some things never change," sighed Caedem, and Phoenix knew he was thinking exactly the same thing.

  The bleak motel room held a double bed, with Dylan spreadeagled in the middle of it, and a single, where Caedem had dumped his bag.

  "We're both used to Dylan's snoring," he said. "Do you want to share with him or have the single? We'd better get our heads down soon. If I know Dylan, he'll be awake by seven, keen to hit the road again."

  "You can have the single," said Phoenix, watching Caedem strip off his T-shirt and throw it down on the floor as a makeshift yoga mat.

  He couldn't take his eyes off Caedem's toned upper body, with his snake tattoo trailing over his shoulder, emphasizing the hard lines of his muscles.

  As Caedem exhaled and arched his butt upward into Downward Facing Dog position, Phoenix sighed and frowned.

  "I wish you'd stop with the yoga," he muttered. "It makes me think about Taylor, and I don't want to do that."

  Caedem glanced up at him, irritated.

  "You're gonna have to get used to it," he mouthed, trying not to wake Dylan.

  "Taylor doesn't have a monopoly on yoga, you know. Besides, it was me who got him into it - and it's been one of the things that's saved me. You should give it a try some time."

  Phoenix grinned to himself. It was the first time he'd managed to get under Caedem's skin and provoke a reaction from him.

  He moved across to the single bed so that his fidgeting didn't disturb Dylan and pretended to watch the TV, which was running silently in the corner. But out of the corner of his eye, he watched Caedem run through his moves, stretching and exhaling as he held each pose.

  Even though he'd compared Caedem to Taylor, the way they went about their yoga routines was completely different. Taylor had been so competitive, so hyped, that even something as relaxing as yoga turned into a struggle, even when the only opponent was himself. In contrast, Caedem seemed deeply at peace with himself as he breathed and stretched. After ten minutes, Phoenix caught himself staring at him, fascinated by his concentration and inner strength - and the beauty of his strong, supple body.

  Caedem caught his gaze as he finished up, and blushed, a flush spreading down over the skin of his chest.

  "Not used to someone watching me," he smiled. "Been on my own for so long."

  "Couldn't help it," said Phoenix. "Your fault for being so damn hot."

  Caedem groaned.

  "I thought we were through with all of that," he whispered, with a gesture towards Dylan sleeping, meaning, "Don't wake him up."

  "Sorry," said Phoenix. "Just thinking aloud."

  He moved up on the single bed to make space for Caedem, who flopped down next to him, and suddenly the heat rising off Caedem's body just inches away from him was too much, and Phoenix reached out his hands and stroked Caedem's face, running his hands over the short stubble of his skull, and he couldn't resist any longer, bringing his mouth down on Caedem's.

  Caedem tried to push him away, but Phoenix could feel his willpower crumbling with every moment that passed, and he felt him sigh under him and his lips parted to let in Phoenix's tongue. In the fleeting seconds, a lifetime's desire passed between them, and by the time Caedem finally managed to pull away from Phoenix, turning his head away and clamping his mouth shut, Phoenix knew his heart was lost.

  "I want you so much," whispered Phoenix fiercely, pressing his body the length of Caedem's.

  And then Caedem was on top of him, his sweat-slick muscles hard against Phoenix's chest, sucking at his tongue and biting his lips, grinding his hips against him before they pulled away from each other in shock at the intensity of their feelings for each other.

  Phoenix pointed silently across the room to Dylan, questioning Caedem with his eyes. But Caedem shook his head and Phoenix rolled away, feeling like his balls were about to explode. He groaned involuntarily, pointing to the hardness that was packing out the front of his jeans.

  "Fuck, Caedem, what are you doing to me, man? I've never wanted anyone this bad before, not even Taylor."

  He knew mentioning Taylor's name was a mistake, but it wasn't until he saw the look of sheer misery cross Caedem's face, that he realized exactly why.

  "You still love him," said Phoenix in disbelief, pulling away from him.

  Caedem shook his head.

  "No, man, you got that wrong. I don't feel anything for him any more. There's no way I'd be putting myself back in that situation if I wasn't over him. It's more than two years ago. Things have changed."

  And then the smile was back in his gentle brown eyes as he pulled Phoenix close to him.

  "Let's go to sleep, eh? Long drive again tomorrow."

  The relaxation of his yoga session had obviously done its work: it was no more than five minutes before Phoenix felt Caedem's breathing become slow and regular, and he lay there feeling Caedem's chest rise and fall while Dylan snored, oblivious, in the other bed. Sleep took a long time coming, despite his bone-tiredness, as his mind raced with all the conflicting thoughts rushing through it.

  The next thing he remembered was Dylan's voice, laughing in disbelief as he awoke in the middle of the spacious double bed to see Caedem and Phoenix curled in each other's arms, crammed into the single.

  "Hey, a guy could get a complex about no one wanting to share."

  Caedem stirred sleepily.

  "Oh, man."

  He felt Phoenix's curly hair against his cheek and felt instantly guilty, then remembered there was nothing - much - to feel guilty about.