I Will Save You

by Matt De La Peña

  Kidd Ellison, hero to America.

  Protector from sadness.

  I veer over the 101, drift over my old tent, Mr. Red’s work shed, the cliff fence still cautioned off yellow where I shoved Devon. I think about my summer again.

  The best time of my life.

  Then the worst.

  I make out two heads in the sand and lower toward them on the dark beach, across from their towel. It’s Olivia again, this time with her friend Jasmine. They don’t wave or say anything, just watch me land softly in my sitting position, like it’s perfectly normal I can fly around the midnight sky.

  I smile but they don’t smile back, like I’m not just one towel away but an entire ocean.

  Olivia glances down at her bare feet, curls her toes in the sand and sighs.

  Jasmine sits behind her, braiding the blond hair under Olivia’s ski cap. I honestly think that, she says.

  Maybe, Olivia says, pulling her knees to her chest and wrapping around them with her arms.

  Jasmine looks around Olivia’s half-braided ponytail, still holding the ends of her hair in her fingers. Not everything’s in your control, you know.

  I keep running through the summer, though, Jaz. Every conversation we had. I should have seen it.

  Jasmine shakes her head and goes back to braiding.

  There were signs.

  Of course there were signs, Jasmine says. There are always signs when you look back after the fact.

  But you don’t understand. The director of the place where he lived in Fallbrook was here this morning. I talked to him. Kidd had real problems, Jaz. Like, he was sick.

  Olivia lowers her eyes.

  What do you mean sick?

  When Olivia looks up at me our eyes blend together and for three long seconds it feels like we’re not in this dark beach dream but real life.

  We both look away.

  Even though I missed half their conversation I know what they’re talking about, and I know what it means. They’re discussing what I did to Devon and how I’m in prison now.

  But more than that.

  If the people from Horizons were here they probably told Olivia everything about me. And now she knows I’m not a normal kid, like the rest of her friends.

  I used to be depressed.

  And I used to be a danger to myself.

  At least, that’s what I know it says in my file.

  I turn to the ocean, feeling so sad, like I’m holding everybody’s depression in my arms while they sleep.

  It’s later than in my last dream. Past midnight. I can feel the darkness getting older. And I can see the dot of the distant ship a lot better this time. It’s closer to shore.

  I turn back to the girls and Olivia’s crying, and Jasmine’s no longer braiding her hair but rubbing her back and telling her: It’s been a long couple days, O. Maybe you should go home and get some sleep.

  I can’t, Olivia says. She sits up and dries her eyes, looks at me again. Her eyes puffy wet and hurt and also the most perfect green you could imagine. I don’t want to abandon him, too. Like everybody else.

  But what about New York? Jasmine turns Olivia’s face so they see each other’s eyes. You can’t change everything that’s happened to him by punishing yourself.

  I’m staying, Olivia says.

  It’s quiet for a minute and then she clears her throat and says: I never told you about the time he protected me, did I?

  Jasmine shrugs.

  We were at Moonlight, Olivia says. On the abandoned lifeguard tower. And those college guys came up to us.

  Jasmine looks up at Olivia. Why haven’t you told me this?

  Olivia shakes her head and looks past me, to the ocean. You know how my dad is.

  Like I’d go running to your dad.

  Before Olivia says another word the night is already a movie in my head. Me and her sitting on the tower, looking at the ocean, talking for our second time.

  I see the guys coming toward us.

  Me standing up.

  In my dream Olivia touches her fingers to the flap covering her cheek and says to Jasmine: I went to his tent. I don’t even remember what I said, but you should have seen his face. He was shocked to see me.

  That’s because he was totally in love with you. He was from the first day. Me and Blue told you that.

  Olivia looks at me. Most guys play these stupid little games, you know? But he was always so honest.

  I turn red on my towel.

  But I also realize something. Nothing in the whole world matters except what you truly think. Devon always said if you like a girl you should pretend you like someone else, or act like you don’t care, but that’s not right. ’Cause tomorrow you might get separated from everybody, and then you’d never have told the girl what you really meant, and I believe that’s the worst thing possible.

  He was so shy at first, Olivia says. She reaches for one of her sandals and plays with the strap. He nodded a lot and smiled and repeated whatever I said. But once he got comfortable he started opening up. He asked me about all the traveling I’d done with my family. And what it was like to live in a big house with two parents.

  I can’t believe he was in foster care.

  Isn’t that weird? Olivia says, touching the flap of her cap. But like I told you, it wasn’t even regular foster care. The director explained it to me this morning. It’s a special program, where they rehabilitate kids who’ve experienced trauma.

  What was his trauma?

  He wouldn’t say.

  Jasmine looks at me and says: He definitely acted different, but me and Blue just figured it was ’cause he was from Fallbrook.

  Olivia nods, says: Why would anybody ruin their life like that?

  I honestly don’t know.

  Look at him, Olivia says.

  In my dream they’re both staring at me.

  And I feel so weird about it. Like a statue in a museum.

  Olivia lowers her head for a while and then turns and puts her head on Jasmine’s shoulder. I don’t care how many problems he had, she says. Or what trauma he experienced. He was always so happy. It’s one of the reasons I liked hanging out with him.

  I stare at them, feeling shame for being in prison. And for making Olivia sad. And making her wait like this when who knows if I’ll ever get out.

  Jasmine pets Olivia’s hair for a while. She tells her: Finish your story, though. What happened with those college guys?

  Olivia sits up. We were just sitting there, talking. I was telling him something about school, I think. And then we heard this loud popping sound of glass shattering behind us. Somebody had thrown a beer bottle. When I looked up I saw two of those college guys standing there, laughing. The shorter one yelled: Quit talking and get the bitch naked!

  Jasmine’s face goes serious. You swear he said that?

  I told them to just leave us alone, but they said it was a public beach and they’d do whatever they wanted. Next thing I know Kidd is hopping off the lifeguard tower and walking toward them. I jumped off after him, grabbed his arm and told him we should just forget them and go back to the campsites. But the way he looked at me, Jaz. There was something wild in his eyes. The only other time I saw it was on the cliff.

  And what happened?

  When he turned back around both guys were pulling off their backpacks and the smaller one started waving Kidd on and yelling how he was gonna kick his ass.

  I sit across from Olivia and Jasmine in my dream. On my towel. Listening and remembering.

  I grabbed for Kidd’s arm again, Olivia says, and he turned around, and this time you know what he said to me, Jaz?

  What?

  He forced a little smile, even though his eyes were on fire, and he told me: I will save you.

  You’re kidding.

  Swear to God. He said he’d save me.

  And?

  I let him go and he walked right up to the college guys and just stood there. Didn’t say a word while they yelled at him and pushed him and
threw sand in his face. Then the smaller guy punched Kidd right in the mouth, and Kidd went down. He reached up and touched his bloody lip, then turned and looked at them. He looked at me.

  I yelled for the guys to leave us alone. Then I ran at the smaller one and pushed him.

  Jasmine puts her hand over her mouth.

  But his friend shoved me, and I fell to the sand, flat on my back. When I looked up, Kidd was grabbing the smaller guy by his shirt. He hit him twice in the face and threw him down. Then he went over to the guy who’d just shoved me and they grabbed each other and wrestled to the ground and Kidd head-butted him so hard, Jaz. It sounded like a plate shattering on the kitchen floor.

  Jesus, Olivia.

  Then Kidd pulled the guy up and punched him in the stomach and the guy went to his knees.

  Tell me you got out of there.

  We did. Kidd took my hand and we ran all the way back to the campsites.

  Olivia sat there for a second, staring at the floor. But you know what’s weird?

  What?

  The only thing I remember about getting home was that Kidd kept saying how sorry he was. Over and over. No matter how many times I told him he didn’t have anything to be sorry about.

  He was probably scared, Jasmine says. I know when I got in my car accident sophomore year I kept apologizing to my parents. And it was totally the other guy’s fault.

  Exactly, Olivia says. Anyway, when we got to my tent I tried to talk to him some more, but he just hugged me and walked away and I stood there thinking about …

  In the middle of Olivia telling the last part of her story, the dream force pulls me back up into the sky. I try to fight, so I can hear the rest and picture it, but the force is too strong and I’m already back over the 101 and over all of Cardiff.

  As I fly I think back to that night. Everything was so blurry, like a TV station that’s blocked from kids. After I got her back to her tent I ducked around a tree and watched her until she finally went inside and was safe. Then I went to my own tent and let Peanut back in and zipped the door closed.

  I felt on my forehead and looked at my fingers and there was blood.

  Peanut watched me.

  I tried to think if I needed stitches. But since I’d run away from Horizons I knew I shouldn’t give my name out at a hospital so I just took out the duct tape Mr. Red had given me and tore off a piece and closed my cut together and taped it and then flipped off my light and concentrated on the throbbing, like my heart was in my cut.

  At the exact second I picture myself closing my eyes that night, I open them in real life and find myself back in solitary confinement, in the dark, strapped down and alone.

  And I can’t even help it, tears instantly come from my eyes. But it’s not ’cause I got hurt.

  It’s ’cause I wish I could still be in my dream, on the beach, listening to Olivia talk, even if it was about a bad time. ’Cause in real life, I don’t know if I’ll ever get to be near her beach towel again.

  “Follow me,” Devon said, soon as I opened my tent door. He had a pissed-off look as he held my face and looked at the duct tape.

  I had a sick feeling in my stomach before I even noticed the gun in his hand.

  “What’s that?” I said.

  “A loaf of bread.”

  “It’s not bread.”

  “Dude, what do you think it is?”

  “A gun.”

  “Congratulations.”

  Peanut stood up behind me and started growling at Devon.

  “But where’d you even get it?” I said.

  “You know I got connects, Special.” Devon looked down at Peanut, pointed the gun at him and said: “Pow.”

  “Put it down,” I said, pushing the gun out of Peanut’s face.

  “Calm down,” he said, tucking it in the back of his jeans. “I’m doing this for you.”

  I tried to think was this actually happening or was I sleepwalking again. ’Cause in all the time I’d known Devon, he’d never had a gun before.

  I wondered if he was getting worse.

  “Hurry up and throw a shirt on,” Devon said. “We gotta do this now.”

  “Do what?” I said, pulling a shirt over my head.

  He didn’t answer.

  He started walking and I followed, knowing whatever we were gonna do would most likely be wrong and knowing I’d end up doing it anyway. My Horizons therapist would say I was in one of those moments of decision people have. The kind that can change your entire future.

  I don’t know why, but I always chose wrong.

  “Basically, there are two kinds of people in this world,” Devon said, walking along the dark ocean’s edge. “People of privilege and everybody else.”

  I looked at the gun bulge in the back of his jeans, thinking how me and Olivia would be in different groups.

  I stopped in my tracks, said: “I mean it. Why do you have a gun?”

  Devon stopped, too. Smiled at me. “Look at Special trying to act all grown-up. Demanding information.”

  “Just say it.”

  “And here I thought the only role you played was Mr. Naïve Man. The token dummy.”

  I stared at Devon as hard as I could, tried to focus on his eyes. But they kept shifting ’cause it was so dark, and ’cause Devon was always looking away from people.

  “You gotta start trusting your boy,” he said. “Me and you got business to handle.”

  “What business?”

  “Big-boy business.”

  “Is it something with Olivia?”

  “Who’s Olivia?” Devon said, and I could tell he really didn’t know.

  “Nothing,” I said. “Just what business?”

  He stared back at me for a few seconds and then a smile slowly went on his face and he said: “You mean that deformed blond chick you’re always stalking?”

  “I’m not stalking.”

  He laughed and pulled his gun from the back of his jeans and looked at the side of it. His face went serious. “Look, this is bigger than some chick,” he said. “And we don’t have time to BS.”

  He started walking again and after a couple seconds I walked, too.

  When I caught up to him he went on with what he was saying about the two groups: “What I seriously can’t stand is the entitlement vibe I get from rich people. They think they rule the world, Special. And technically maybe they do. Maybe that’s what pisses me off so much. I don’t know. But I hate that their lives mean more than ours just because there’s a higher number on their bank statements. Or because their cars are shinier or they have more bathrooms in their houses.”

  We both stepped away from the tide when it rolled up to our feet. “Some of them could be nice, though,” I said.

  “Of course some are nice,” he said.

  “So what about that?”

  “Here’s what you don’t get, Special. When you choose to take a stand in this world, you have to accept the fact that a few innocent people will get hurt. Revolutions are bloody, dude.”

  “You’re starting a revolution?”

  “Figure of speech, man.”

  I thought about that as we kept walking. “It still doesn’t seem right.”

  “It’s not. At least not on a case-by-case. But if the overall benefit outweighs the individual harm, man … in the grand scheme of things you’re good. Not that I really care about being good.”

  The tide came rushing up again, and this time Devon wasn’t as quick as me to get out of the way. Both his shoes got soaked. But he was too wrapped up in his revolution talk to even care.

  “It makes me sick how some people live, Special. Eating caviar and going out on their yachts. While the rest of us are just trying to survive. Take those rich punks that hassled you a few nights ago.”

  I looked at Devon and said: “Who?”

  “Their parents pay all this money for college, give them spending cash, a fancy car to drive around campus. And look what happens?”

  “You mean the guys by the lifeg
uard tower?”

  “I can’t let people think they’re better than my boy, Special.”

  I looked ahead of us, trying to figure out how Devon could’ve already found out what happened.

  “If you think about it,” he said, “we’re just doing what their parents failed to. Teaching respect.”

  He was waving the gun all around with his words now. And right then it hit me what was happening.

  We were hunting those college guys with Devon’s gun.

  “You trust me, Special?”

  I didn’t say anything.

  “Huh?” he said. “Do you?”

  “My therapist told me people should try to make good decisions.”

  “Your therapist is one of them, man. Don’t you get that? Do you know how many times I’ve seen her pull up to Horizons in that fancy Mercedes? Come on, dude.”

  I pictured us all staring out the window as she stepped out of her car, pushing her sunglasses onto the top of her head.

  “Of course she tells you that crap about making good decisions. You know why?”

  “Why?”

  “ ’Cause rich people are smart. The last thing she wants is some disturbed kid like you coming after her Benz. So she scares you into submission. Same with the rest of the Horizons kids. The more she works that Jedi mind trick, the safer she can feel about her possessions.”

  That was the thing about Devon.

  He was smart, too. Whenever he said stuff like that it always made me think. Even when it was stuff I didn’t wanna think about.

  Way ahead I could see the abandoned lifeguard tower, and I could see there were people standing near it. I peeked again at Devon’s gun.

  My stomach dropped.

  “You know what she does after she tells you all this stuff about decision-making?”

  I shook my head.

  “She goes home to her corporate lawyer husband and they put on their fanciest rich-people clothes and they go to some expensive restaurant and order goddamn champagne, man.”

  He stared at me, holding his hands out like it was simple, the gun pointing at the ocean. When he looked forward again he put his arm out for me to stop and said: “Those the guys?”