I Will Save You

by Matt De La Peña

  She waved at me real quick and walked the rest of the way to her campsite, toward her tent.

  As she stepped in and zipped the door back up, I thought how she didn’t hug me again. And how this time there was nobody else around.

  I jogged along the tide, looking for Devon, knowing everything was falling apart. The summer had been going so perfect. I met a girl. I had freedom. And a job. A tent. A dog to hang out with. But now it was all coming to an end. I had no idea what would happen to me.

  The only way it could be okay, I promised myself, was if I found Devon and did what I had to do.

  I went all the way to the lifeguard tower and back, but he wasn’t on the beach. I went across the street to the train tracks and walked on the rocks between the rails. Devon wasn’t there either.

  I went to the park and looked all around.

  Then I froze.

  Devon was just sitting there, near the basketball court. The exact spot I’d been the first time I saw Olivia on the swings.

  “Hey!” I yelled from across the park.

  Devon looked up.

  A smile going on his face.

  There was nobody else in the park. Just me and him. And I started walking toward the basketball court.

  He stood up and pointed at me. “I wouldn’t do that, Special.”

  I kept walking.

  “Trust me,” he said. “I honestly wouldn’t come too much closer.”

  I slowed down, said: “What do you even want?”

  “World peace.”

  I stopped.

  Stood there.

  “You know what I’m talking about,” I said. “What do you want with Olivia?”

  “Don’t you understand?” he said, shaking his head, holding out his hands. “These rich people, Special. From the time they’re born they get everything. And we get nothing. We live in shacks and survive on bread and water. Somebody has to take action, Special. Somebody has to do something.”

  “You don’t live in a shack,” I said.

  “Figure of speech, dude.”

  “You live under the freeway with homeless people. I saw you.”

  He started laughing. “You honestly think I’m that stupid?” he said. “Like I haven’t known this whole time you’ve been following me?”

  I started walking again.

  “I really wouldn’t do that,” he said, and this time he pulled a gun from the back of his jeans and held it by his side. “Don’t make me cap your ass, Special. These bullets are reserved for rich folks.”

  “I know it’s fake,” I said as I neared the basketball court.

  “Is it?” He looked it over, let it drop back to his side. “Or is this a completely different gun? What if the fake one’s still at the bottom of the ocean?”

  “You went back and got it.”

  “You willing to take that risk?”

  I stopped at the opposite sideline from him to think.

  A big smile lit up Devon’s face.

  We were only a basketball court away from everything that was gonna happen.

  “Why don’t you trust me, Special? I swear to God I know what I’m doing.”

  “You want to hurt people.”

  “Only the upper class.”

  “They’re people, too.”

  “People who hold us down. Who believe they’re superior. Who send us to die in wars that make them money.”

  I shook my head. “Hurting rich people isn’t gonna help anybody.”

  He smiled, said: “That’s always been the problem between us. Ever since we met. You don’t trust me.”

  I stared at him.

  “And this whole time, man, all I’ve cared about is what’s best for people like us.”

  “You don’t care about me.”

  “I care about you the most,” he said. “You’re my only best friend.” He looked down at his gun.

  “You pulled me into that current. You tried to drown me.”

  “I tried to save you.”

  I shook my head. I felt so scared and frustrated my whole body was completely tense. My muscles ached. I had to tell myself to breathe. It seemed like the whole night was crashing down on me at once. Lying to Maria. And Mr. Red drinking and bringing up pills. Olivia saying she was gonna leave me forever.

  And now Devon.

  Holding a gun.

  Lying about saving me.

  “Look at you standing there,” he said. “All pissed off at me. When you should be focusing on more important issues.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like the fact that you know you’re gonna ruin everything. All your stupid rehabilitation. Your superficial love affair with the deformed rich chick. Your one chance at a real life.”

  “Olivia’s not deformed.”

  He sighed. “Aren’t you tired of this, Special? Playing this idiotic role? The polite little punk who calls everybody ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am.’ The dummy who’s too scared to tell his own girlfriend his honest opinion about anything. Why not embrace who you really are?”

  “This is who I am.”

  He shook his head.

  “Okay, then who am I?”

  “You’re exactly like me, Special. You’ve seen some bad shit and you’re poor. So they tried to hide you away from the world. In a freak show like Horizons. That’s why we’ve always been so close. ’Cause we’ve had to fight this thing together.”

  “I’m nothing like you.”

  He brought his gun up and cocked it and let it fall back to his side. “Do I really have to break it down for you? ’Cause I will.”

  “I don’t care what you do.”

  He shrugged with his smile. “Your dad was a poor, spineless junkie who beat the shit out of you and your mom.”

  I shook my head.

  “Your mom was a lonely wino who forced her own son to sleep in bed with her.”

  “Stop,” I whispered, a lump already in the back of my throat.

  He shook his head. “No, your dumb ass needs to hear this. How your mom tracked down your dad in broad daylight. Broke into some other woman’s apartment. Found him on the couch, watching cartoons. How she shot him in the face, Special. Shot him three times.”

  “Stop talking,” I said.

  “Then she blew her own brains out. You guys made all the papers, didn’t you, Special? You had your little two seconds of fame.”

  A tear went down my face, and I wiped it off.

  I pictured Mr. Red snapping his fingers and saying people could die in two seconds. I felt so sick I wanted to die. Right now. With Devon’s gun. I didn’t care.

  “But here’s what you don’t understand,” Devon said. “When your mom put the gun in her mouth that day and pulled the trigger, she wasn’t trying to save you, like she said in that stupid letter she hid under your pillow. She was trying to get away from you.”

  I pointed at Devon. “Don’t say that.”

  “She was trying to escape from you.”

  “Don’t say another word.”

  “What are you gonna do?” he said. “You’ve never actually done anything in your entire life.”

  I charged across the court, tackled Devon and socked him in the neck. His gun went flying. I tried to wrestle down his arms, but he slipped out of my grip and grabbed the gun and bashed it against the back of my head.

  I fell to the ground.

  When I opened my eyes he was standing in front of me, smiling and breathing hard, pointing the gun at my forehead.

  “Well, well, well,” he said. “Look at Special showing a little fight for once in his life. Maybe we could’ve used you in the revolution after all.”

  He backed up a step and recocked the gun. “But it’s a little too late for that now.”

  I sat up, breathing hard.

  Staring into the barrel of his gun.

  “I’d end this little melodrama right here, but I need you to witness one more thing.” He started laughing. “Want a hint? It involves a certain disfigured blonde. I’m gonna do her
just like your dad did you and your mom.”

  “If you ever—”

  “What?” he interrupted. “What are you gonna do, Special?”

  I didn’t say anything.

  My heart was pounding a mile a minute. Warm blood trickling down the back of my neck from where he hit me.

  “Now, I want you to close your eyes for me,” he said.

  I kept looking at him.

  “Close them!”

  I closed my eyes, waited for what else was gonna happen. Picturing his finger bending the trigger. The explosion. My thoughts and everything else disappearing. Like being hit by a train. This body dead. Forever.

  But there was no explosion.

  Just the quiet park.

  I peeked open my eyes, spotted Devon sprinting out of the park.

  I jumped to my feet, chased him across the road, yelling his name. I chased him past closed storefronts and the railroad crossing, toward Birmingham. Chased him down Manchester and Montgomery. When he cut across Liverpool and hopped a fence I hopped it, too, chased him through somebody’s backyard. He leapt over the back fence, into a dirt alley. I was right behind him.

  He ducked into another yard and a dog came loping out of a garage, barking, and lights went on in the house. I chased him over the opposite fence, through another yard and back into the street.

  He kept looking at me over his shoulder, smiling like it was all a video game, like when we were kids at Horizons.

  I ran as fast as I could to catch up, but I felt myself losing ground, losing everything.

  He cut up Oxford.

  By the time I rounded the corner he was gone.

  I stood there for a second, in the middle of the road, sucking in breaths and looking around.

  But there was no sign of Devon.

  Anywhere.

  I jogged up and down the entire street. Put my head over fences, checking people’s yards. I looked down back alleys, into house windows, behind bushes. I ran all the way up to the gas station, peeked my head under the freeway bridge. But Devon was nowhere.

  Since there was nobody under the bridge at all I went down there, looked around for something of Devon’s. I sifted through abandoned clothes, broken bottles, fast-food wrappers. I kicked up blankets.

  Then I noticed something.

  The book Olivia had given me. The one by the Japanese author with the “100% Perfect Girl” story. It was just sitting there, leaning against the cement. Devon had stolen it right out of my tent.

  I picked it up and looked at it, brushed off the dust. Then I walked onto the bridge and sat there trying to catch my breath, staring at the passing cars, my feet dangling over the edge.

  I fingered the swelling on the back part of my head, trying to think about everything that had just happened, and what Devon said about my family, and him hitting me and pointing his gun, and Olivia saying we only had one more time together.

  I gripped the book in my hands and watched the freeway cars, so worried about my life and worried how everything was gonna end.

  I went to Mr. Red’s tent early the next morning, waited with Peanut as usual, but he never came out. When I tapped on his tent there was no answer. Just to make sure, I unzipped his door a little and peeked inside.

  Just his empty futon mattress.

  I tried to work like everything was fine, but I couldn’t. It felt weird without Mr. Red. And my mind wouldn’t stop flashing back to me and Devon’s fight. I kept hearing his words echoing through my head, again and again. Kept feeling the gun smashing against the back of my head and blood dribbling down my neck.

  I did some of the regular jobs like cleaning the bathrooms and sweeping outside Campsite Coffee and emptying all the trash barrels. But one sentence from Devon made it impossible.

  How he said my mom did it to get away from me.

  To escape from me.

  I kept thinking back to us in our old apartment. And there were signs she loved my dad more than me. Every time he left she’d get so depressed and never leave her bed. She’d forget to take me to school. Forget to go shopping for food. Sometimes I’d go in and check on her, and she’d wave me away.

  What if Devon was right, I thought.

  What if she didn’t do it to save me, but to get away.

  I stopped working, put away my gear in Mr. Red’s shed and went in Campsite Coffee. I tried looking at magazines. Found an article in the paper about the grunion and Lea even cut out this picture they had from last year: the silver fish completely covering the sand and everybody standing around in the dark, watching it.

  I stared at the picture and listened to Lea explain it. But I couldn’t concentrate. My mind kept going back to Devon’s words.

  After I thanked Lea, I left the coffee shop and went looking for Devon. I searched the rest of the day, and most of the night, but I never found him.

  When I got back to my tent I tried to write about Olivia leaving, but I had writer’s block again. I couldn’t even put one word.

  I pulled out the book she’d given me, turned to the story about the 100% perfect girl and read it over and over.

  Peanut snoring by the door.

  The ocean sound outside my tent.

  Eventually I shut off my flashlight, closed my eyes.

  The only reason I could fall asleep was I knew Olivia wasn’t staying the night at the campsites. She was safe somewhere else, with her family.

  On the morning of the grunion I woke up early, and even though it was the weekend I went to Mr. Red’s tent with Peanut. I tapped on his door and peeked inside. It was still empty.

  I was just standing there, worrying that something serious might’ve happened to him, like maybe he was in the hospital, when I heard his voice behind me.

  “There he is!”

  I spun around, saw Mr. Red walking toward me with a RadioShack bag.

  “Mr. Red.”

  “Big guy. Long time no see.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m alive,” he said. “Listen, I just went by your tent. I have something for you.” He handed me the bag.

  I reached inside, pulled out a brand-new iPod. I looked back up at Mr. Red. “What is it?”

  “What does it look like?”

  “An iPod.”

  He gave me a thumbs-up. “Way to put your clues together.”

  “But it’s not my birthday or anything.”

  “I know. It’s my way of saying thanks.” He pulled off his beat-up sombrero, ran his fingers through his hair and put it back on. “I appreciate you looking out the other night.”

  I nodded and checked out the iPod.

  “Already downloaded a bunch of songs at the store,” he said. “My own personal selections. Should be good to go.”

  “I’ve never had one before.”

  Mr. Red smiled, took the bag from me and crumpled it up. “Go ahead and test it out.”

  I pulled it out of the package, put the plugs in my ears and he showed me how to make it play. His Bob Marley phone song came on. I looked up at him, smiling.

  “You like that, right?” He peeked down at his watch, then pulled one of the buds from my ears. “Listen, I wanted to apologize.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “No, I’m supposed to set an example. And the other night. Man, I really took a step back.”

  He held out his hand and I shook it.

  “Bill the Deacon had me in meetings all day yesterday. It helped, I think. A guy can’t do everything on his own, Kidd. That’s what I realized. Sometimes I’m gonna need to lean on friends. Like you and Bill.”

  We let go of our handshake.

  I thought if I should tell Mr. Red about Devon now. And his gun. And how he said he was gonna do something to Olivia. I opened my mouth to explain it, but for some reason I couldn’t get the words out.

  He reached down to pet Peanut. “This old dog gets uglier by the day, doesn’t he?”

  I looked at Peanut.

  Mr. Red was scratching him behind the ear. Th
en he stood up and looked at his watch again. “Okay, big guy. I’m off to get a haircut.”

  “You’re cutting your hair?” I said.

  He nodded. “Cleaning up my act. Got a day date with Maria.”

  I looked up at Mr. Red. “You do?”

  “We’re going on a long walk in OB, before she heads to her sister’s birthday party.” He slipped his hands in his pockets, said: “You might be surprised to hear this, but I’m gonna ask if we can get back together.”

  “You’re gonna be with Maria again?”

  He nodded. “If she’ll have me.”

  “She will,” I said, feeling happy for the first time in two days. “Everybody at Horizons always said how in love with you she is.”

  “Yeah?” He nodded his head. “Let’s hope I didn’t wait too long.”

  “You didn’t,” I said.

  He stood there a second, like he was thinking, and then he said: “A guy said something in one of those meetings yesterday. Said people like us, the ones in the meeting, we tend to push away the people we love most. Without even knowing we’re doing it. He said it’s our way of protecting them.”

  Mr. Red looked at the ground, shaking his head. “But a man shouldn’t push away his woman, Kidd. He should take care of her.”

  I pictured Olivia and felt proud ’cause that’s exactly what I was gonna do.

  “From now on,” he said, “I’m gonna try to be that better kind of man.”

  He shook my hand again and got in his Bronco.

  After he backed out of his spot, he waved and drove toward the campsite exit.

  • • •

  In the time I had left before me and Olivia’s last time together I did two things.

  First I went to a bunch of stores looking for a sombrero for Mr. Red. I figured since he got me an iPod I could get him a new hat.

  It took me a long time to pick one, though, since I didn’t know what he liked. His old one was so worn out you couldn’t tell what it used to look like. I went to five surf shops and looked at them. The only one I skipped was the store where Devon got caught shoplifting.

  The last place I checked was this store called Hanson’s in Encinitas. It was next to the train station where me and Olivia caught the train to Torrey Pines Beach.

  Right when I walked up to the rack of hats this one sombrero fell to the ground in front of me. I picked it up, trying to picture it on Mr. Red’s head.