Love with Every Beat

by K. L. Shandwick

  There was no misinterpretation on my part about him and what he wanted with her, because the way that dude was staring at my girl was obscene. If I was a betting man I’d have said that in his mind, he’d already fucked her seven ways from Sunday.

  She looked back at me holding my solid stare and squirmed until that pretty chin of hers came up just as I was predicting in my assumption of her reaction to me being there. She gave me a, ‘couldn’t- give- a- fuck,’ look which might have worked on some, but again, she couldn’t fool me. So I smirked and exhaled through my nose a bit at that and pinched my lips together attempting to hold it back.

  Mandy interrupted me, and I had to turn my attention to her, and Lily got up and moved out of my line of sight for a bit. Mandy talked about my gigs, and I was polite but clipped in my responses. I wasn’t really interested in talking to her, my attention needed to be back on Lily.

  She began moving and picking up garbage, and Lily sat down again. The conversation was still going but at least my eyes were able to roam across the small yard and pick up where Lily was.

  In conversation with Mandy, I was aware that Lily stood and made her way to the kitchen and fuck if Douche didn’t follow her right on in there.

  By the time I concluded the discussion and went to find Lily, his hand was on her shoulder, and it didn’t escape my attention that he was stroking her skin as he spoke to her. They were in this kind of embrace, having what looked like an intimate conversation, and fuck, it tore my heart when he made her giggle.

  She was smiling up at him. Will’s head was bent forward looking down at her and returning her smile. His body was far too close to hers for my liking. Actually that dude in the same fucking city was too close to her as far as I was concerned.

  They hadn’t seen me, but I was moving in to break up the scene, when Lily pushed herself away from Will’s chest. I made my excuse for being there my empty beer bottle. It was empty but I’d swallowed it in two hits, temper and focusing on her making me take no notice that I had drunk it that fast.

  “You’re very tactile for friends.” I emphasized by using quotation marks with my fingers on the word friends to accentuate my point. “Where do I find another one of these?” I said, waving my empty beer bottle at them.

  Will moved away from me, looking a little stressed by my comment. Good. He ran his fingers through his hair, a nervous gesture. “There’s plenty in the cooler over there.”

  Will motioned with his head and signaled by pointing at the patio door that he was going back to the garden. Then with no other purpose for being there, he left to go back out to the yard.

  Lily made to follow and the thought of her with him instead of me made me react instinctively by slammed the palm of my hand down on the counter.

  She jumped in response, my sudden action putting her on high alert. Her chest instantly heaved as her breath increased. I could see her pulse throb rapidly in the carotid artery in her long, slim neck. I’d frightened or excited her—I wasn’t sure which. My only driver right then was that she was not getting anywhere near him.

  “Excuse me, I want to pass please?” I stooped my head and made eye contact with her. She inhaled deeply, and I was suddenly at a loss of how to proceed with this, except for to say what was in my heart.

  “Is that what you really want?” My eyes began to bathe in the beauty of her, and I began to smile. “You wouldn’t rather come back to my place and let me make you feel good, Lily?” Fuck, how I wanted that right then. She pressed the palm of her hand right over my heart and pushed me away, but the look in her eyes was pure unadulterated lust.

  Wide eyes, dilated pupils, the whites of her eyes getting that pink fuck- me- now, tint, and eventually the hooded eyelids as they gave way to the feelings running down through her body. The eyes were the gateway to the soul, and her soul wanted me—she couldn’t deny that fact.

  “Stop it. I’ve had enough of your games. I don’t want you Alfie,” she hissed, her eyes looking out toward the yard, and a fleeting thought entered my head that she’d already slept with him.

  Grabbing one of her hands, I placed it over my heart and held it there. My heart was beating wildly as it always did when I was near her. I placed my palm at the center of her chest. It wasn’t a sexual move.

  I was proving a point to her. Trying to reach her, to say all the things I wanted to say to her but couldn’t allow myself the words to do it.

  Her heart was pounding against her chest wall, rapid and strong. Excited. “Forgive me, but I’m hardly convinced by that. We drive each other crazy with want.” I smirked, nodding my head toward my palm, pleased that I was still able to affect her. I let my head fall forward, my mouth to her ear, and whispered, “I don’t think you’ve had nearly enough of me, sweetheart, and I know I’ll never get enough of you.” She shivered, and I pulled back to meet her gaze.

  I smiled; she was absolutely perfect. A beautiful, sexy lady. She was so far gone, lost in the emotions of what was happening, I could have done anything to her. Taken advantage. I ran my small finger gently along her thumb as I continued to hold her hand clasped in mine.

  She flinched and tried to pull it away. As soon as I saw a sign she didn’t want me to touch her I dropped my hands to my sides. She turned to walk away, but I grabbed her arm and swung her around to face me again, pushing her backwards into a corner of the kitchen with my body, away from prying eyes. Not trusting myself to touch her, I placed my palms on either side of her head on the wall, caging her in.

  Our mutual desire was emanating from the both of us, and I moved in closer, parting her legs to situate myself hip to hip with her. My need for her was overtaking my ability to do the right thing and walk away. My head dropped and my face was less than an inch from her neck, as near as I could be without actually touching her there. Short, labored, raspy breaths left my lungs as I fought the rampant hardness that was threatening to unleash itself from my pants.

  I took in the scent of her hair, then her neck. “I want you so fucking much.” I pulled back and swallowed painfully and audibly while staring into her eyes. I had to taste her, as much as I tried to fight these feelings they were so overpowering that I couldn’t do the decent thing.

  My head fell again and my tongue traced up the length of her neck, stopping just short of her ear, and I repeated it again. “Say it, tell me to take you,” I pleaded. When she didn’t, I let my forehead drop to rest against hers, still staring into her eyes. She held her breath, and I could see that she was the stronger of the two of us.

  I closed my eyes for a second, waiting to see if she would take the initiative, but she didn’t. When I opened my eyes she was still staring, unblinking, and the thought that she could reject me almost wrecked me. I buried my face in her neck again, tracing every sinewy line, and she breathed out in a measured, calculated way.

  With one hand I traced the line of her body down from her neck to her collarbone, over the side of her shoulder and down from her ribcage to her hip. She inhaled sharply, her body reacting to the heat of my touch, and she bit her lip in concentration not to respond to me.

  “Oh yeah, sweetheart, you most definitely want me,” I murmured softly. The douche most definitely wouldn’t be getting lucky tonight now that I had rekindled the feelings she felt when she was with me. This was enough for now. But enough wasn’t everything. That was what Lily needed and wanted, but I knew I’d done enough to keep Will at bay for now.

  Watching her, I could see her barriers falling like dominos. My seductive techniques were corroding her resolve. I had to pull back now and leave her alone. Let her feel she was back in control of this thing.

  Desperately wanting to kiss her but denying myself, I traced her lips with my fingers. I was reminding myself what they felt like, and my face almost followed suit. Her eyes closed, and her body sagged—she looked like she was submitting to me, her mind and body humming in expectation of what she thought was coming. It took reserves I never knew I had to push myself off of the wall an
d walk briskly away from her.

  Leaving the house without saying goodbye was a necessary move on my part. There was no way I would have been able to fight how I was feeling in that moment. If I had stayed in there with her a moment longer, all my resolve would have disintegrated and the usual fucked-up, conflicting feelings would have gotten the better of me.

  I don’t think I actually breathed until I was safely situated in my car. By the time I started my car, I already knew I wasn’t going home. There was no way I was leaving her with him and no one looking out for her. As I was driving out of the cul de sac, I saw Lily’s Jeep was parked at the end of the road in another driveway. She must have driven alone.

  Putting two and two together, Mandy’s neighbor could have been a snowbird. If that was the case, Mandy probably knew them and told her friends to park in their driveways. Snowbirds only live there for a few months of the year, so seeing cars parked in their driveways acts as a deterrent for burglars.

  Pulling over about two hundred yards around the corner from where her car was, I got out and leaned against the hood. I still had to be sure he didn’t leave with her or follow her home. About half an hour later, I saw him drive past me, and a few seconds later I saw Lily driving in my direction. I flagged her down by walking into the road waving my arms above my head in a crossing motion.

  Lily pulled alongside me but was reluctant to roll the window down. Eventually she slid it down halfway. She looked as nervous as I felt. I was winging it, so I could empathize with what it must have felt like for her not to know what the hell was coming next with me.

  “Truce?” I pleaded, drumming my fingernails on the metal door of the car. I smiled sheepishly. Truly, I was embarrassed by my actions toward her—I’d have hated me. In fact, if I had been her I’d have probably run me over.

  “What is this, Alfie? This has got to stop. I can’t deal with this shit, you’re scaring me.” Lily swallowed hard, and I almost reeled back in shock at how frightened she sounded. Watching her body language told me she wasn’t lying. She was scared of me. Here I was, thinking that what I was doing was protecting her, and I had to digest the fact she was afraid of me.

  “Can we talk? Just talk, no mind games?”

  She sighed in defeat. “I’m really tired Alfie, I just want to go home,” she replied warily, pinching her lips together and turning her head to look down the street.

  “Can I drive you home? We could talk like this.” I wagged my finger between us. “I’ll collect you in the morning to come get your car.”

  She shook her head. “No, I don’t want that.” From the look on her face she was dead serious, but I couldn’t leave her feeling worried about the next time she saw me.

  “Can I get in then? Would you drive me home, so that we can talk?” Lily’s eyes conveyed a gamut of emotions and when she still didn’t respond, I begged her.

  “Please Lily, I just want to talk to you,” I pleaded, giving her a small measured smile of sincerity.

  Chapter 19 – Friends

  Her eyes searched my face as she mulled my request over. “Okay, I’ll take you home, but cause me any problems, and you’ll have to walk back to get your car.” Grinning widely, because I never expected her to agree without another fight, I slid into the passenger seat before she could change her mind. I naturally put my arm on the back of her seat as I swung sideways to talk to her. This earned me a hard stare. She was clear about setting her boundaries around me. Something I was glad about—mine around her were exceptionally blurry.

  She bristled stiffly and moved away, facing the front. Her knuckles were white on the steering wheel as she gripped it tightly. She was uncomfortable sitting there with me, and suddenly I felt hurt about that. “Do you mind, I don’t like distractions when I’m driving,” she said. I chuckled trying to ease the strain between us, and she turned her head and glared at me.

  The dark angry look in her eyes wounded me. Every interaction with her seemed to turn into a cluster-fuck of miscommunication and unspoken feelings. Neither of us was able to say what was really on our minds. If she really felt this badly of me, then why did she let me in her car?

  “Why did you stop?” I queried.

  “Why did I stop the car? You were in front of it,” she huffed, her fingers flexing tighter on the steering wheel. I could see she didn’t want to talk to me about anything to do the subject of us.

  “No. Us.” I motioned between us asking why she stopped seeing me.

  The cowboy. Where was he now? Did he use her? Did she use him? Did she really use me? With all the unfamiliar feelings running through me, I was now considering whether all the signs I was sure I’d seen in her about this ‘thing’ between us was wishful thinking.

  She swallowed noisily, and stammered trying to convey what she wanted to say. I waited patiently for her to gather her thoughts. “It just wasn’t for me… the whole ‘fuck buddy’ thing, and there was no ‘us’,” she stated flatly.

  Instantly I snickered at her. “I was there Lily; I still feel you. And. You. Still. Feel Me,” I said punctuating each word. So that was bullshit. And it was for you, you can’t tell me you didn’t like it.” I was sneering at her for lying, and she was staring into her rear view and side mirrors.

  There wasn’t even another car on the road, and her level of concentration was a dead giveaway. She was definitely feeling something.

  After a minute she took a deep breath. “Okay, it wasn’t what I wanted. I thought I could do the no-emotional-ties sex thing. It left me with a bad taste in my mouth Alfie.” I narrowed his eyes in a hard stare at her. I should never have made a move on her. I had no right to behave like that toward her or any other woman.

  From the moment I saw her I should have listened to the voice of reason in me and let her be. “I warned you that I wouldn’t get emotionally involved with you, Lily. I can’t ever love you,” I said, shaking my head and feeling desolate that this was where I was at. “I want you, but I can’t ever make a commitment to you.”

  Seeing she was hurt by my statement and the look on her face said it all. The penny dropped and I finally realized this sweet beautiful girl had fallen in love with me, despite all of the horrible treatment I’d doled out.

  “Why is that?” she whispered, and the pitiful sound of rejection was like a punch to my gut. “What’s wrong with me?” My heart stopped for a second, her question striking a chord, that she could think, even for a second, that I could find a flaw with her. I squeezed her hand feeling a sadness that was on par with that of losing my mother. “God, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re fucking perfect. Believe me, Lily, I just can’t.”

  “You tell me you can’t but don’t I deserve a reason? I’m flesh and blood, a young woman, not a fucking toy or some whore off the street who you can pay for. I don’t want to have any kind of relationship with someone who only wants my body and only speaks to me when no one else is around.

  “When we were alone, you treated me like I was special, and I don’t mean your special feelings shit. You were so into me when I was with you. Yet, you emotionally wreck me in front of my friends by ignoring me and play fucking games with my feelings so that you can get off on it?”

  Seeing her so angry and upset made me feel disgusted at myself. This beautiful amazing woman was sitting beside me almost telling me that if I could give her more than sex she’d be mine in a heartbeat.

  Damn, it was tempting, and if my life had been in a different place she’d never have had to doubt that we could have been more. Hurt, anger, guilt, longing—all mingling with strong feelings I had no words for were flooding my mind.

  I needed to hold her. She needed to hold me. I became conscious that my body was reacting to my thoughts. I was rubbing my neck and stretching uncomfortably, while my thoughts had taken over me. I just didn’t know what though. When I looked back at Lily, I could see she was close to tears and told her to stop the car.

  Lily continued to drive until I asked her again, more forcibly. She f
linched, and I winced at how I was getting everything wrong again. I was so inept at trying to deal with all of this stuff. She pulled over and placed her hands on her lap, her head bowed staring down at them, the fingers of one hand picking at the nails on the fingers of the other.

  Right at that moment I would have given anything to be in a different place in time. Fast forward two years, we’d have forgotten about each other. Kara might have found a new life by then. Or her boyfriend with any luck might have fallen off the face of the earth.

  Lily would no doubt be fabulous, finishing college and heading back to London, or she’d have met a guy who treated her like the princess she was. “I told you Lily, no hearts-and-flowers, you knew that when we agreed on the arrangement.”

  She bit her lip, and I caught mine between my teeth in return, mainly because I was afraid I was going to tell her it would all be okay to make her feel better. It wouldn’t be, not between us anyway.

  “You told me that we could terminate the arrangement at any time. So what? We’re both fucking liars? Interesting choice of words you keep giving me Alfie.” I had no clue what words she meant. “What words?”

  Lily turned, staring at me eye to eye and gave me a small smile. “I can’t love you, can’t ever give you a commitment. Can’t love me? It sounds to me like there is something or someone stopping you. People don’t sign up for commitment as soon as they start a relationship Alfie. So, it seems strange to me that you would put that out there before you even know someone, unless there’s a reason not to get involved.”

  I sat there digesting what she said to me. She was right. No guy in their right mind would come out with that line at any time, never mind when he first met a girl. At the time, I was only being honest.

  Lily took a deep breath and sighed. “I’m tired of this drama. I think I get what you want. I tried it, but it just wasn’t for me. I’ve seen you with all those other women Alfie, why would you wine and dine them without fucking them, then call me when you’re done? Do you get off on secrets and lies? I’ve seen your other women Alfie, it isn’t like I’m anything special anyway.”