Love with Every Beat

by K. L. Shandwick

  Lily began to stir, and I never got to think about it anymore. Lily got out of bed and padded toward the bathroom. By the time I got there she was looking in the mirror and wrapping a towel around her. Cuddling her from behind, I kissed her shoulders. “Did you sleep well?”

  Smiling into the mirror, “Mmm,” Lily replied.

  How the hell do I tell her I’m leaving? Inhaling deeply I kissed the top of her head. I couldn’t look at her, but I left my mouth lingering there, my head down before I shifted away from her and ran my hand through my hair, plucking up the courage to say something.

  “I have to go to some meetings today.” It felt horrible saying it out loud. Lily nodded, but I could see the disappointment in her eyes. “I thought we might at least have had the morning together.”

  Lily was brave and tried to smile. “I’d better go find Jack and Elle. They’ll want to go to the beach and are probably waiting for me to show up.” She started putting her clothes on and I sat on the bed wondering if I should just tell her.

  She came and sat on my lap, dipping to kiss me. “What are you thinking about?”

  Damn, sometimes I had wished she wasn’t quite so smart. “Oh, just things… work things, to do with the band.”

  Lily finished getting ready and soon we were ready to leave. Taking her face in my hands I gave her a lingering kiss, it was an apology, fiercely passionate, and we both parted breathless. I inhaled deeply and sighed. “We should get going.”

  Driving back to her apartment was difficult. Walking around from the driver’s side, I held Lily in my arms, praying we’d be okay. “I love you so much, keep that in mind.” Smiling, because I wanted her to know this was just work.

  Lily eventually piped up, “This is getting silly, we need to go.”

  “I’ll call later tonight or early morning. You’re playing tonight, right?” She smiled and waved, and I ushered her inside with my hands. As soon as she was out of sight I got into the car and began the drive back to my house to grab my guitar, my passport, and clothes. Turning on the radio, Maroon 5’s “Daylight” was playing, and I wondered if that was an omen.

  Arriving in London, it was the early hours in Florida. I checked my wrist watch and pulled Lily’s ID up on my cell.

  “Hey,” I said softly, dreading the rest of the call

  “Hey, how did today go?” Lily sounded pleased to hear from me. Fuck this was hard.

  “It was tiring… hard… I missed you.”

  “Why don’t I come over, then you won’t have to miss me because I’ll be right there,” Lily said playfully.

  Exhaling heavily I prepared to disappoint Lily again. “I wish you could honey, but that’s not possible right now.” Sweet Jesus I’d have given anything not to do that to her.

  Breathing out heavily again, I said, “I didn’t want to spoil what we did last night, Lily.”

  “Why… why not? What’s wrong, Alfie?”

  There was a pregnant pause then I spoke, “I won’t be seeing you for a while, honey.”

  “Alfie you’re scaring me. Why?” The panic in Lily’s voice punched another hole in my heart.

  My voice almost cracked when I said, “I’m in London. I had to leave, and I didn’t know how to tell you. I love you so much, Lily. I couldn’t say goodbye. I’ve never said goodbye to you, it’s too hard. So, we’re not saying goodbye. Trust me, we’ll work it out.”

  Lily began to cry. “I love you, honey. No matter what you see, no matter what you read, it’s you, Lily. I’ll be back in five weeks. It’ll fly by, and we’ll be together again. It’s you and me, baby, hang on to that. You and me.”

  Click. The line went dead. Lily hung up on me, and I’ll admit my tears began to fall as well. What a fucked-up situation. Me, Alfie Black, rock star, and I can’t even manage one girl. So much for the reputation that goes with the title.

  Sitting staring out the window, I convinced myself that once Lily had slept on it she wouldn’t feel so bad about it. Five weeks wasn’t that long considering we’d already been apart for six months, was it? It wouldn’t have been so bad if we’d had more time to get a normal rhythm going to our relationship. Instead of the last couple of weeks building to what had taken place just a day ago.

  Relieved when I saw her calling me back, I was already working on my speech for keeping us together. “Hey, gorgeous, can’t sleep?”

  “Sorry, Alfie, I really can’t do this distance thing. I’ll always love you, but we’re never going to be able to meet in the middle.”

  Starting to protest, she cut me off again, “It would be easy for me to give up everything I’m doing to follow your dreams, but eventually I’d wonder what I could have done. I don’t want to argue, and I don’t want us to hate each other. Don’t hate me,” she pleaded.

  My heart was aching, in almost a whisper I said,

  “I could never hate you, honey. Don’t do this, Lily. Don’t do this to us.” My voice cracked with emotion. “We’re never going to be over, you know that, right? No matter who we’re with in the future, this is a once-in-a-lifetime love. I get that now… you and me.”

  Lily’s sobs were horrible, and I tried to soothe her. “I get it, Lily. I know how painful this is, I feel it too.”

  Crying, Lily was adamant. “Please leave me be, don’t contact me, let me recover. I’m begging you, Alfie.”

  What the hell was I supposed to do? Lily couldn’t deal with the situation, and it was wrong to keep pushing her into something she couldn’t cope with.

  As heart breaking as it was for me, I said,

  “Have it your way, Lily, but know this, I’ll love you my whole life, no matter what, honey, no matter what you see, it’s you.” Cutting the call, my own tears choked in my throat, and I knew there would be not going back after that.

  Chapter 44 – Truck Stop

  Dark days followed after Lily gave up on me again. For the first couple of weeks, Drew was practically taking care of me. Bringing me food, making me shower and shave, and sitting up half the night listening to me pour my heart out about Lily.

  Three months of hard drinking and throwing all my energy, the little I had, into the band, and Lily was still very much in my head, but I had respected her request to stay away from her.

  The agony I went through at not being able to call her or speak to her was destroying me, and I was in freefall for a while. Not caring what I looked like, and finding the effort to talk to anyone outside of work was a huge task. I was depressed.

  Drew and Elle had patched up their differences and where very much an item. Elle had been a dancer in the West End of London. Her contract for the show she was in finished and she started traveling with us. It killed me every day to see Elle because I knew she was in touch with Lily. Elle and Drew had make it clear that they wouldn’t discuss Lily with me—that way Elle could maintain her relationship with Lily, and Drew and Elle wouldn’t have to take sides.

  Coping had become a way of life, but alcohol dulled the constant ache in my heart about losing Lily. To be honest I was every inch the rock star in those early days, demanding and awkward; a complete bastard to be around most of the time.

  Des and I were at constantly at odds about his crappy remarks around how I was, “like a lovesick puppy.” And how, “I’d been pussy whipped and dumped by Lily.”

  More than once I’d wanted to beat his ass, but Andy did that for me when he came to blows with Des after a crass remark about my depression. Andy was more in tune with what my needs were than any of the rest of them. Strange, because I’d never known Andy to have a girlfriend, before let alone lose one.

  One of my lowest points was when I kept texting Mandy, trying to find out about Lily. Trying to make it less obvious by adding something to the text to make her think my comment about Lily was incidental.

  Mandy always replied, answering everything I had asked, but nothing in reference to the part about Lily. That was so fucking frustrating, I’d scream when those texts came back minus the part the text was r
eally about in the first place.

  Feeling like I was never going to recover, my drinking got heavier, and my attitude got shittier. We were touring and meeting people all the time and when people came up to say hello, I wanted to tell them to get the fuck away from me. In reality, most of that first few months were a blur.

  Des and Andy even lined up a couple of nights where they were taking me out to get laid, exasperated when I wouldn’t get involved with a girl. Not that there was anything wrong with the women, they just weren’t Lily.

  Situations like that only frustrated me more, especially when some stripper in a bar would perform a lap dance, and I’d pretend to enjoy it, smiling and acting up for my bandmates, when inside my head I’d be thinking about Lily, and how we never got to have fun with that particular situation.

  Circumstances change and sometimes something happens that makes you sit bolt upright and take notice. Drew and Elle sat me down one night and were extremely straight talking about how Lily was never coming back, and how I needed to get myself straight or I’d be dead in six months.

  What they said finally made a connection with me, I could easily have been taking the route Dad did, and I couldn’t do that to Layla.

  Actually, between them they said a hell-of-a lot more than that, but that was what their talk amounted to. Elle and Drew took me in hand and started an exercise regime that would have killed a lesser man.

  Within a couple of months, I was fighting fit and more able to cope with the pain of losing Lily. Being sober helped as well. Inside, my heart was still in tatters, but outwardly I was the life and soul of the party.

  Women were aplenty throwing themselves at me, but I still couldn’t take that final step with any of them. I’m not saying I was a saint, I still had to find my release in other ways and if I pretty girl wanted to suck my dick, then I wasn’t going to turn it down.

  Workwise, everyone kept telling me how great I looked and that I was in great shape. I guess with the band’s profile going crazy around the world, the things I once took for granted, like slipping to Starbucks for a coffee, were now out of the question.

  Pressures of fame made me so busy that Lily started to slide to the back of my mind, more so this time than any other.

  I suppose some of the cracks were starting to mend, and although I wasn’t ready to date again, I could talk about her with Drew, and not get pissed, tear up, or frustrated the way I used to. She was still my first thought when I woke in the morning and my last one at night, but the memories I clung to were the happier ones by then.

  Learning to let the memories of the arguments we had slide, I became less consumed by all of it. The one image of that stayed in my mind was how she looked at me when I entered her. That look when I took her still haunted me all of the time.

  Punishing schedules of interview, television appearances, galas, and award ceremonies—a never ending blur of publicity and back slapping in an industry full of needy, attention seeking people. Crakt Soundzz putting on a show, or me personally being rolled out at red carpet events with some gorgeous, young starlet on my arm. Incidentally, a couple of those also joined the ranks of my blow job beauties as well.

  So I became Alfie Black: Property of Sly Records and my fan base had crazy numbers. Last figures on Facebook were something like eighteen million followers, and there was no getting my head around that either.

  Women would mob me, men wanted to stab me dead because their women lusted after the public image of Alfie Black, the rock star. Being frank, I never really felt like that man anywhere else except on stage, performing in front of a lively fan base.

  For little over a year we were on the ‘crazy boat’ as Rick Fars called it, and sometimes we traveled by tour bus, because the places involved were too short to justify a plane ride, and sometimes it was just because the guys in the band wanted a road trip. The pace was slower, and it gave us some time to socialize with each other without the paparazzi poking their nose in our business.

  Stopping for breakfast, the driver pulled into a truck stop, the preferred option for us, instead of diners. Truck stops, because they were full of work worn, hairy guys, covered in grime, or tired truck drivers looking for a good feed. And, ultimately, because there weren’t many women in them, and we could relax and eat a hearty cooked breakfast in peace.

  Inside that particular one there was one old boy sitting by the counter, his head in his newspaper, and very cute blond girl serving. Des and Andy loved her on sight, funny as hell and cute in a Jessica Simpson kinda way.

  Tiny as well, she couldn’t have been a butt crack width more than five feet. Gorgeous rack and didn’t seem that interested in clothes or makeup.

  Heading into a large booth at the back of the room, I tucked myself in the corner. For some reason I seemed to get recognized easier than the rest of the band, probably because I was the lead singer. After serving us breakfast Zoe poured herself a coffee and without being invited told me to “budge up,” and planted herself down beside us. She sighed and said, “I’m bored shitless here.”

  Not sure why, but I told her she should come along with us, not thinking for a moment she would, but she did. None of the guys commented about her until the third day, not sure what the fuck I was playing at. Des was antsy about her, not sure what I was doing bringing her into our little world on the bus.

  When Des saw Zoe head into the shower, he flopped himself down on the leather seating and flung his leg over the end panel. “So what’s the deal, Alfie, are you gonna fuck her or just stare at her all the time.”

  Sipping a beer, I smirked and glanced over at him. “Des, you don’t have to fuck a girl just cuz they are in the same space as you, didn’t anyone ever tell you that?”

  Des shook his head with an incredulous look on his face. “She’s been hanging around for days, dude. Has your dick broken? Do you need to see a dick doctor? What the fuck Alfie, she’s so fuckable. If you’re not gonna do her, can I take her off your hands?”

  Andy chimed in, “Des did you see her? Zoe has a rack that would break your balls, best leave girls like that to the men around here.”

  Snickering, Andy turned to me and added, “Anyway, Alfie, if you’ve forgotten what to do with your dick, mine is in great working order. If you’re not interested in polishing yours on that, mine can always do with some extra shine.”

  “Neither of you are fucking Zoe,” I stated. Drew’s head swung around the kitchen partition and stared at me. “So…you are interested then.” Laying back against the couch, and sipping my beer again, I said, “Nope, and she’s staying.”

  Des shook his head. “Seriously, Alfie, I don’t know how you do it. Maybe one afternoon when it’s quiet and no one is around you’ll whip your dick out and display it for us. We’ll start taking bets. Mine is that it looks like a fossil after all this time.”

  Click. All eyes flew over to the shower room door where Zoe was wrapped in a navy blue towel. No doubt about it, she was a beautiful girl, tiny stature and petite with gorgeous long blond hair. Fun to have around, a great aura about her. Zoe was a free soul, very relaxed and uncomplicated, and for the first time in a long time, I liked having a girl around.

  Elle was a little off when she first met her, which was understandable given her loyalty to Lily, but Zoe and I were just friends that hung out. She was a tactile little soul as well, and loved nothing better than snuggling up with me to read her Kindle or watch a movie. In truth, I liked that closeness, it filled a gaping hole that was left after me and Lily parted.

  “What are you gonna do about her, Alfie?” Elle and Zoe had just left the bus, and Des came over to lean on the partition between the kitchen and the seating area. Glancing up at him, I said, “Des, this is getting old, dude.”

  Des grunted. “Alfie if you don’t fuck her soon I’m gonna have to put her out of her misery. The poor girl is so sexually frustrated, it’s a wonder she hasn’t left already.”

  Huh. “None of your fucking business Des, you’re so busy try
ing to get me laid, what are you waiting for, do you need a lesson? Are you hoping to play voyeur? Learn new tricks? I’m not fucking her so that you can stand in the shade tugging yourself off at my expense, dude.”

  Andy appeared from the bedroom wearing some kind of weird looking jock strap thong. Drew thought this was hysterical and started laughing.

  “Andy what the fuck is that you’re wearing?”

  Des and I were cracking up, partly because Drew was laughing and partly because were both WTF as well.

  “Fuck off you lot, just because you weren’t sent any. The company wants me to try them, and if I think they’re cool, I might get a sponsorship deal.”

  Drew’s eyes flicked to mine then to Des in an, is- this- dude- for- real look, and we all fell about laughing. “Fuck you assholes,” Andy said, retreating back to where he came from banging the bunk room door.

  Des was coughing and laughing at the same time. “Does he realize a sponsorship deal would mean he’d be seen in public in that?” We all cracked up laughing again, and heard Andy, shout, “Jealous fuckwads,” from the other room.

  When we calmed down, Drew brought the conversation back. “Alfie, by the way, Des is right. If you want Zoe, you better step up and make a move. All the signs are there, the girl is seriously hot, plus you might not realize it but your eyes are on her all of the time. You might not be feeling it in here,” Drew tapped his chest with his middle finger, “but I know there is something going on down there.” Again, Drew pointed but this time at my dick.

  Denying it wasn’t helping, I did see Zoe as potential girlfriend material. Smart, funny, beautiful, but not Lily. Every time I found myself checking her out, that was the statement that came into my mind.

  So the comments continued, and I’m not sure whether it was the threat of Des and Andy about pursuing her that wore me down, but a couple of weeks later, Zoe and I found ourselves on the bus alone when everyone else went to a nightclub.