Studious Desires

by Mary Winter

  “It’s all right,” she said, not sounding completely fine. “I guess, I, uh, didn’t expect to see your work in such detail.” She glanced at the formulas. “You’re serious about this, aren’t you? Trying to make people less passionate and less emotional.” Kat fought the urge to slide from his leg and run across the room, arms across her chest in a defensive posture.

  “Only at certain times.” He sighed. “I know how wrong that sounds, but you’ve been in the sciences. A study doesn’t do what it’s supposed to do, so statistics are used and the full truth isn’t told. Drugs are brought to market that maybe shouldn’t have been, or perhaps something that might be wrong with the environment isn’t exposed as early as it should have been because the scientists didn’t want it to be true. I’m trying to aid the cause of science.”

  Kat thinned her lips. Pain laced his words, and she knew the cause. An experimental drug had been tried on his father, and his father had gotten gravely ill, nearly died because of it. Listening to Neal speak, Kat admitted that it made sense to leave the emotions out of science, but a line had to be drawn somewhere. “You know if you create something like this it can be used, abused even.” She slid from his leg and gave into the urge to step back.

  Neal reached for her. “Anything can be abused. That’s not why I’m doing this.”

  “You just don’t want to feel.” She’d lived through this before, men more interested in their work, or hers, than in her body, her emotions, her as a human being. How many emotionally unavailable men did she have to date before she saw the truth? Men didn’t want to feel. They just wanted to fuck. She turned away, afraid the bad memories would show on her face. “That’s not right. As a scientist you have to learn to work with your emotions, manage them as appropriate to the project.”

  “But what happens if you can’t?”

  “Then you get away. Find some clarity, or ask someone else to take over the project.” Kat whirled to face him. “If you don’t want to deal with them then you’re just running away.” She had to deal with them, to watch the scenes of the broken homes and destroyed lives when a hurricane came through, all because she could forecast the weather, gauge strength and distance, but she couldn’t make people react, couldn’t get them to do what was needed to protect their homes, their family, their neighborhood, their lives. It hurt like a son-of-a-bitch every summer, but she’d learned to handle her emotions, her pain. If she could, then so could everyone else.

  “What if you can’t?” Neal rose to his feet. He strode toward her. “There are times when it’s difficult to put the emotions aside to do the work that needs to be done. What about then? What about a doctor trying life-saving surgery on a child? If he lets his mind wander, just once, then the child is dead. What about rescue workers who need to battle their own fear to go into dangerous circumstances?”

  He had a point. There were times, albeit few and far between, when it was probably best not to have emotions. Still, people abused things, substances, to make their jobs better. A weather forecaster on stimulants who fell asleep and didn’t warn a community about a tornado. And she, left home, knowing if she were in the office, she could have saved a life. Kat shook her head. She refused to be swayed to Neal’s side of the argument.

  “I don’t think so. Because who draws the line?”

  Neal stopped. Clearly he hadn’t thought of that. “Personal responsibility. It’s not up to me to make the ethical decisions.” He shrugged. “I’m doing the research. I know my intended applications, when I would use the substance and when I wouldn’t. I can’t speak for anyone else.”

  “So you’d do the research, knowing full well that this substance could be abused?” Damn it, she knew Neal wasn’t like that. It didn’t matter. “I don’t like it. It isn’t right.”

  “Who are you to decide what’s right and wrong?” Neal strode forward. The tense set of his jaw, his hand shoved into his pocket, told her that he battled his own anger. Good, let him feel. It was good to feel things. If you felt, then you knew you lived.

  And right there on the spot, Kat decided that was the crux of the matter. If you turned off your feelings, went through life like a robot, then it wasn’t living at all. She swallowed hard, her past washing over her in waves. Sure, there’d been the men willing to give of their bodies and not their hearts. She expected that. But when she started acting that way, going through her job like an automon. At one point she even said they shouldn’t have names, just rank and serial number like in the army, at that point, she knew she’d been lost. She couldn’t consciously allow anyone else to fall into the numb, emotionless life she’d been living. Nor could she allow anyone else to facilitate it.

  “I’m sorry,” Kat said. “I guess we’re not going to see eye to eye on this issue.” She turned on her heel and opened the door. “If you have emotions, then you know you’re alive. We live because we feel, Neal. Good or bad, pleasure or pain, we feel. You can’t take that away from someone. It’s too precious.” Without waiting for a response, she closed the door behind her as she left his lab.

  Outside, Kat hurried away. To stay by the door, even remain on the quad, would leave her vulnerable to returning. Shoulders squared, head high, she walked back to her apartment. She’d come there for sex, for loving. Instead, she’d gotten the truth. It was better she knew it now, rather than later.

  ****

  Neal stared at the closed door. His research, how did he go wrong? Sitting there, he shook his head and looked around his lab. Something had happened in her past, some person or thing to make her think that his research would be nothing but a bane. Frowning, he rose to his feet and paced his small office.

  But why did Kat feel that way? It was a question Neal didn’t think he could answer, not right now. For himself, he thought it would be good to remain stoic, unemotional, when the circumstances called for it. Sure there would be those who would use it to numb themselves. As with any substance, it could probably be abused. But that wasn’t why he made this, wasn’t why he tried this research.

  Neal raked his fingers through his hair. He supposed he should call her up, try to find a time to explain. Except when he did she shut down. He felt it in her body, in her emotions, the distance she’d placed between them. And now the distance had turned physical. He shook his head.

  No, he wouldn’t let her, or anyone, tell him what he could, and couldn’t do with his research. Scientists needed this. Journalists needed this. Keeping distance from the subject was something that needed to be done in certain times and places. He closed his eyes and shoved away the images of too many brilliant minds driven off course by their emotions.

  Squaring his shoulders, he turned to the rat cages. He busied himself with chores trying to stop his churning thoughts. He had to know what happened to Kat, what caused her to feel this way. And see, this is exactly where his serum would come in handy. Here he was, intending to spend the day on research, and Kat’s arrival had thrown him off kilter. Now, his thoughts churned with her instead of with his work.

  “If you have emotions, then you know you’re alive.” Her words echoed in his thoughts. She spoke a truth he felt she knew firsthand. Not from someone with not enough sense to love her. Wait. Love her? Could he really be contemplating love with Kat? Neal exhaled and sank onto his stool. Resting his elbows on his desk he stared at the calculations, though he really didn’t focus on them.

  Love. Sure, ten years ago they’d had a great time, and when college was over, they’d gone their separate ways and never heard from each other again. Was that really what he wanted? Neal didn’t know. He knew he wanted to see Kat again, as often as he could. He knew he liked their conversation, being with her, and that even when she wasn’t in his life, he thought of her. Not an all-consuming obsession, no, but kind thoughts that made him smile. Back then she hadn’t been afraid to feel, and neither had he.

  Neal growled. He hated psychoanalyzing himself. It never did any good, and frankly, he had work to do. The truth was he’d just have
to sit down with Kat and overcome her objections to his work. Picking up his pencil, he concentrated on the latest formula, a minor tweak in the calculations to adjust the strength.

  He couldn’t think. His last girlfriend, a lawyer, had called him cold, detached. He liked her, but he just didn’t feel—Neal cut off his thoughts. “This is silly,” he muttered aloud. “I liked her, but we had separate goals. Different dreams. It just didn’t work out.” With Kat it was different. All fire and ice, hot and cold, pleasure so great he feared it would shatter him into pieces if he didn’t sate the need for her. He felt. Damn how he felt.

  Maybe he needed to convince her of that. Living a balanced life meant taking time for the emotions and a time for emotional distance. He believed in that, and he also believed that some times more distance was required than others. Sometimes, when faced with something horrific or emotional, it took help to get that distance. Help his formula would provide.

  He’d spend his afternoon working. Then, he’d go to her. He’d explain his side of things, get hers, and they’d get past this. He wasn’t willing to lose Kat over his research, and he wasn’t willing to give up his research for her. Together, they’d find a way to make this work. And the way to that goal was exactly what his scientific mind was suited for.

  Four hours passed quickly, Neal focusing on work in the lab. He finished, knowing he was closer to bringing his formula to testing and to publication. A grin covered his face, the feeling that yes, finally, he was close to gaining scientific recognition for what had been nearly five years’ worth of work. Finding this serum had been his dream, his passion. To be so close, he wanted to share that feeling with someone. And he knew exactly who.

  Once he arrived home he’d called Kat, and she had agreed to meet him. She sounded tentative on the phone, but she’d agreed. Stepping out of the shower, plumes of steam surrounding him, he toweled off his body. Running a comb through his hair, making sure he was freshly shaved, all the grooming rituals passed quickly. Soon, he stood there, dressed in sneakers, a pair of jeans, and a t-shirt. Nothing formal, not like a date, but he knew the shirt molded to his muscles, the jeans to his body. He’d seen the way his students looked at him, and he knew Kat would look at him the same way. With a grin, he hurried to his car for the quick drive over to Kat’s. He’d make her see his side of things. And when he did, there’d be no doubt in her mind as to the depths his emotions could plumb.

  Chapter Four

  Neal pulled up in front of Kat’s apartment building. Compared to the last time he was here, with Kat beside him and his cock hard and aching, the butterflies in his stomach seemed like nothing in comparison. “Okay, buddy,” he said, exhaling. “I need to go up there and explain about my research. Cool, calm and scientific. That’s me.” He wiped his sweaty palms on his trousers. Yeah, he expected himself to walk up there and be completely detached when Kat’s luscious body would be mere inches from him. Fuck, yeah. That’d be like asking a dog not to chase a car.

  Kat wanted emotions. Well, he’d do his best. He’d give her passion. The passion for his work and his passion for her, all of it would be hers. And when he finished, she’d damn well know he meant business with his research. And hopefully, Neal grinned, with her.

  Opening the car door, he stood, steeling himself as he strode across the parking lot to the apartment building’s door. A quick check of student records netted her address; he’d given her his. And he stepped inside the air conditioned building, a man on a mission. Up two flights of stairs that barely left him winded, thank goodness he liked to jog or ride his bicycle, and there, at the top of the stairs, stood the door to Kat’s apartment. Nothing on the outside gave any hints as to the woman inside, or whether she really was inside.

  She had to be. He found the make and model of her car from student parking, another perk of being a professor, and it matched one outside. Of course, her late model fuel efficient sedan in a shimmery blue could have belonged to someone else. He’d seen several of the cars on the roads around town. But, he had a hunch he’d find her home. He knocked on the door.

  And waited. Neal strained to listen for any sounds coming from inside. Did he hear the shuffle of feet on the carpet, maybe the sound of the chain being pulled back? His heart hammered in his ears. The hallway grew oppressive, sunlight filtering into the window in the stairwell, making it almost unbearably warm. From behind the other three doors, he heard nothing, saw only the stairs leading back down to the main lobby.

  Finally the door creaked open. “Neal,” Kat said. “I didn’t expect you so soon. I guess we didn’t discuss a time.” She gestured down at her casual clothing, a tank top and a pair of sweats. Her feet were bare, and he didn’t see any bra straps beneath the thin spaghetti straps of her tank top. Her breasts swayed invitingly under the fabric, and his mouth went dry.

  “I’m glad you’re home.” Neal said, surprised he could even string a coherent thought together. He glanced down to the lose sweat pants and wondered if she wore underwear.

  Kat stepped back. “Come inside.” She held the door open for him, then closed and latched it behind him. “Make yourself comfortable.” She led him into an open living room with neutral beige carpet and white walls. A leather sofa sat along one wall, small pillows and a crochet afghan breaking up the large expanse of brown. Bright spots of color, pictures, a lamp base, filled the room, making it sparkle with life. Just like the woman who lived there. He sat on one end of the couch.

  Kat bent over and rolled up a yoga mat from the floor. Her breasts swayed forward, and he had a glimpse through the scoop neck of her tank-top of them swinging free. Instantly, his cock hardened. Her lithe grace drew his attention, and he forced himself to look away. He was here to talk about his project, not jump her bones. But damn, the globes of her breasts looked as if they’d fit perfectly in his hands, and he knew they did, and had.

  Kat sat down on the other end of the couch, tucking her legs beneath her. “I’m sorry. I should offer you something to drink. I’m afraid I don’t have much. Just water, tea, and coffee.”

  “That’s all right,” he replied, thankful to have something other than her breasts on which to focus. “I’m fine, thanks.”

  “So what brings you here? Not that I mind, but you didn’t bring any books, so I don’t think this is an academic visit.” She lifted her arms over her head and stretched. “Sorry, I was just finishing up some yoga.”

  “No problem.” He watched her breasts lift beneath the top, her hands reaching above her head. She dropped her arms down, and aware he stared at her chest, he pulled his gaze back to her face. “You seemed a bit disconcerted by my research. I wanted to explain.” He watched her tense and cursed his directness.

  “You don’t have to explain.”

  “Yes,” he said. “I do.” Neal breathed deeply, aware he had to state his case soon or risk being thrown out of her apartment. “I understand your point, that we live because we feel emotions. I would never advocate an emotionless life. But, there are times when emotions can over ride common sense. You know what kind of a perfectionist I am. Hell, you teased me about being a Virgo, and they’re known for their scientific minds and quest for perfection. Think of this as simply a way for those who aren’t Virgos to find the kind of perfection I strive for on a daily basis. My work is to help people. Not hinder them, and certainly not to take their emotions away.”

  “But what about the potential for abuse?”

  “Kat, anything has the potential for abuse. People can eat too much chocolate. And anything I do would fall under strict guidelines. Since it’ll be given to people it’s going to be considered a pharmaceutical. It’s not like it’ll be available over the counter.”

  Kat relaxed into the couch.

  Neal sensed her capitulation. “I don’t want you to think any less of me because of my research.” He rested his arm along the back of the couch. “I don’t want this to get in the way of anything.”

  “Get in the way of what, Neal?” Kat frowned. Sh
e wanted to believe him, truly she did. And she knew that anything, including the most tightly regulated prescription drugs could be abused. She had achieved an emotionless existence, and she’d done it without the benefit of pharmaceuticals.

  Her heart leapt in her chest. From the way Neal spoke, it sounded as if he wanted a deeper relationship with her. She had hoped, but after their conversation this afternoon, she’d wavered. Did she really want a relationship with a man who wanted to dampen his emotions? And would he only use his serum for his work, as he claimed? She had to trust Neal, and after what she’d endured the last ten years, trust was hard currency she wasn’t willing to spend.

  “You. Us.” He spread his hands open, palms up, and for the first time since his arrival at her apartment, looked uncertain. “Look, it’s probably too soon. You’re a student in my class, and it’s been a while. I want to get to know you, not just reminisce about the Kat I knew way back when, but the woman you’ve become.” He grinned. “I know, that probably sounds all television movie of the week-ish. It’s true though.”

  Her heart fluttered in her chest. Butterflies twirled in her stomach. No, it wasn’t a commitment, and frankly, she didn’t think she was ready for one at this time. For Neal to state his interest in her, well that counted for a whole heck of a lot. “I’d like that,” she said, a grin widening on her face. “I’d like that a lot.” A germ of an idea formed, one in which she could test not only his theories, but also how far she was willing to go with him.

  Kat leaned forward. She brushed her fingers along his outstretched arm, noticing how his gaze went directly to her touch. A glance into his lap confirmed his hard-on, and inwardly, she grinned. “I do have a proposal for you though,” she said. “Consider it a test run.”