Hidden Trusts

by Jae

  It all sounded so familiar. "Are we sure she's your daughter, not mine?" Luke lifted one corner of her mouth into a weak smile.

  "She's your daughter in every way that counts." Nora leaned up and pressed a kiss to Luke's lips until the smile turned into a real one.

  "Yeah. It seems we have more in common than I thought. When I was younger, I tried to stay away from women too. I joined the dragoons and served in lonely forts, where I didn't get to see a woman for months at a time. I hadn't yet learned that desiring women doesn't mean I'd desire all of them."

  "Maybe you can explain that to Amy somehow," Nora said.

  Luke squeezed the bridge of her nose. "The question is just how. I can only talk to Amy as a man, so what I can tell her is limited."

  This time, Nora had no answers.

  Sighing, Luke doused the kerosene lamp and settled in for a sleepless night.

  * * *

  "Oh, there you are." Greeted by the cool morning air, Nora let the door fall closed behind her.

  Hendrika sat on the veranda, the butter churn between her feet. She moved the wooden dasher up and down in a steady rhythm.

  "Want me to take over for a moment before I have to leave?" Nora asked. Churning butter was monotonous and tiring work.

  "No, it's all right. I don't mind."

  Nora leaned against the veranda railing and looked across the ranch yard. A few of their mares wandered through the corral, licking morning dew off the grass. Next to the corral, Amy and Luke were saddling their horses, every movement in perfect harmony, stepping around each other without stumbling or getting in each other's way — like two dancers who had practiced their waltz a thousand times.

  Watching them together warmed Nora's heart.

  Luke swung her leg over the cantle, and as she settled into the saddle, her gaze met Nora's. She kissed her fingertips and held out her palm as if sending the kiss across the ranch yard.

  Smiling, Nora repeated the gesture.

  Amy lifted her hand as if to imitate Luke, then curled her fingers into a fist and dropped her hand. She pulled her mare around and urged her into a lope.

  When Nora turned back to Hendrika, she noticed that the up-and-down movement of the dasher slowed while Hendrika watched Amy ride away. When the hoofbeats faded away, Hendrika directed her gaze back to the churn and picked up the pace.

  "Tess and Frankie are staying in town for a while," Nora said. "You can move back into the cabin. Nattie or I will help you carry your things over if you want."

  The dasher stopped. "But Phineas —"

  "Don't worry about him. He can stay in the bunkhouse with the other boys for a few days."

  "Oh." Slowly, Hendrika moved the dasher up and down in the cream. "All right, I suppose."

  Nora squinted down at her. "I thought you'd be glad to have a room and a bed to yourself for a few days before you get married."

  "I am glad," Hendrika said, sounding anything but. She bent and lifted the lid off the churn. A golden lump of butter had formed and was now clinging to the dasher.

  Like Hendrika is clinging to sharing a room with Amy. It seemed Hendrika was fond of Amy, but was it just the innocent friendship between young women or something more? Nora remembered sharing a bed with Luke for the first time, remembered the feeling of peace and safety even as she had shivered under a damp blanket while rain drummed down on their wagon. Did Hendrika feel the same way?

  "Old Jack is ready, ma'am," Hank called from the stable.

  Nora glanced at the sun. Her pupils were waiting for their last day of school before summer break. There was no time to figure out what was going on with Hendrika. With one last glance at Hendrika, who was busy fishing the butter from the buttermilk, Nora hurried toward the wagon.

  * * *

  "Look, Papa! There's Nugget with her foal." Amy gestured with childlike excitement, but Luke knew she was no longer a child. So much had changed.

  Luke let her gaze wander from horse to horse, but her thoughts were on Amy, who halted her mare next to Dancer. They needed to talk. She had opened her mouth half a dozen times while they rode from one band of horses to the next, but every time, she closed her mouth without saying anything. After living as a man for the past thirty years, how could she talk to Amy about the joys of love between two women? Was it possible to let Amy know she understood without giving away her secret?

  She stared at the horses while she sought a solution. The herd was in great shape. Over the last weeks, the grasses had become richer, and now their bellies were pleasantly rounded and their dotted coats gleamed with good health. A few mares stood dozing beneath a stand of trees while their foals leaped through the grass. In the distance, two yearlings bucked, reared, and squealed at each other in mock fight.

  "They're looking good." She turned in the saddle to look at Amy. "You took good care of them. How did you feel about running the ranch?"

  "There were a few tense moments," Amy said, openly meeting Luke's gaze.

  Why can't she be as honest about her feelings for women? But, of course, Luke knew why. She had been through the same feelings of shame, guilt, and confusion.

  "Sometimes I felt like everyone tried to make things harder for me," Amy said. "Adam went crazy as soon as you left. Guess Mama told you about him burning down the stable and attacking me." When Luke nodded, Amy continued, "Hank tried to lynch John, and the folks in town laughed at me when I wanted to hire a new ranch hand. All of that would never happen to you."

  Luke bit her tongue. She wanted to tell Amy that it was just people's perception that made the difference, not Amy's gender. But she couldn't explain without giving herself away. "I would hope not," she said instead. "I have twenty years of experience. But my first year running the ranch... Lord, I felt like a complete failure. We were snowed in, and a coyote got into the henhouse. We didn't even have enough money to buy you a new doll."

  Grinning, Amy shrugged. "I preferred the wooden horses anyway."

  Luke laughed. She couldn't imagine loving Amy more, even had she given birth to her herself. "Anything else happen while I was away?"

  Instead of confessing her feelings, Amy said, "The foals were born. Did you see Jason, Nugget's colt?"

  Of course Luke had. Amy had already pointed out every foal in the herd — and most of the yearlings too as if Luke had forgotten them in the last two months. Since they had left the ranch, Amy hadn't stopped talking. She commented on every horse they encountered, the length of the grass, the new barn, and the ranch hand she had hired.

  Luke got the impression that Amy wanted to keep her too busy to have a serious conversation.

  "See that one?" Amy pointed at a filly nibbling the grasses alongside her mother.

  "She's a beauty." Luke let herself be distracted for a moment. A black horse with such a large white blanket was rare. "She'll make a wonderful brood mare one day if we're lucky."

  Amy laughed. "That's her name — Lucky Star."

  "Nice. You picked a good name."

  A wave of crimson wandered up Amy's cheeks. "I didn't name her. Rika did."

  Rika. Interesting. No one else called Hendrika by her nickname, and now the mere mention of Hendrika's name made Amy blush. Had Amy reacted to women that way before, and Luke just hadn't noticed? Had she been so blind to Amy's feelings all those years? "I talked to your mother."

  Amy's blush darkened to a deep cherry color. She clamped her bottom lip between her teeth.

  Luke flinched at the expression in Amy's eyes. Neither of her daughters had ever looked at her that way — as if expecting punishment.

  Amy let go of her lip just long enough to ask, "Did she... did she tell you?"

  They both knew the answer to that question. Luke and Nora never kept secrets from each other. "Amy, there's no need to worry. I'm fine with it. I don't care who you love as long as you're happy."

  The defensive hunch of Amy's shoulders didn't change. By now, her lip probably had permanent teeth marks. Tears filled her eyes, but she didn't let th
em fall. "You and Mama are so wonderful. No one else has such understanding parents. I'm so sorry to cause you —"

  Luke slid out of the saddle and landed between the two horses. It gave Amy the advantage of glancing down at her. Maybe that would let Amy know Luke wasn't looking down on her. Luke touched Amy's calf to make her look at her. "You never caused me anything but joy and pride, Amy."

  Amy's brows crept up her forehead.

  "All right." Luke forced a smile. "I wasn't pleased when you were six and nearly broke your neck when you tried to ride one of the yearlings."

  "This is worse than riding a yearling," Amy whispered.

  "No." Luke kept her voice and her grip on Amy's leg firm. "Both could be dangerous, but jumping on a yearling's back was a decision. A pretty stupid one. But this..." She gesticulated, not sure what the right words were. "Being in love with a woman... it's not a decision. It just happens."

  "Maybe for you. You're a man, after all. But it shouldn't happen to me." Amy's voice trembled.

  It was like looking in a mirror. When she'd been Amy's age, she'd been so afraid of her own feelings, of losing control over them, that she had hidden away that part of herself. She hoped Amy wouldn't make the same mistake — but how could she tell her that? She couldn't talk about her own experiences without admitting that she was a woman. "But sometimes, it does happen," Luke said. "It's not a curse or a bad thing, you know? If a woman is what you need or want in your life —"

  "I want what you and Mama have together, but it's not possible for two women. I'll never have that kind of love." A sadness as vast and as deep as the Pacific filled Amy's eyes.

  Burning pain blazed behind Luke's breastbone. She hated to see her daughter give up hope for personal happiness. "That's not true, Amy. You've seen Frankie and Tess together. They don't have an easy life, but they're happy. Don't give up on —"

  "I can't talk to you about this, Papa." Amy fidgeted in the saddle.

  While Amy had grown up with more freedom and independence than other girls her age, society had still taught her that young women didn't discuss such delicate matters with men. Luke curled her hand around Amy's stirrup until the leather creaked. Most often, being thought of as a man was an advantage. Now it was her biggest obstacle.

  Before Luke could answer, Amy dug her heels into Ruby's sides.

  Luke was forced to let go of the stirrup and Amy's leg. As Ruby loped up a hill, Luke hurled a curse across the valley. Why the hell did life have to be so complicated?

  She caught up with Amy, and they rode the last mile in silence, Amy brooding and Luke not sure what to say.

  Luke dismounted in the ranch yard, and Amy dropped down next to her without her usual ease.

  Tess and Frankie came out of the house. Tess's skirts swept across the veranda when she hurried down the three steps. "Hello, soldier." She had greeted Luke that way for many years. She slid her arms around Luke and lifted up on her toes to kiss Luke.

  At the last moment, Luke turned her head, aware that Amy was watching.

  Tess's kiss landed on her cheek instead of her lips. "I'm sorry we weren't there to greet you when you came home," Tess said. "But we have good news."

  Luke followed them into the house. She could use some good news.

  * * *

  Rika held her hand behind the glass chimney and blew out the kerosene lamp. She slipped into Phineas's bed and closed her eyes.

  The silence in the small cabin sounded strangely loud.

  She yawned and rolled to her other side. Sleep, she ordered.

  A long day full of work had left her exhausted, but still sleep wouldn't come.

  When she had shared a room with three other women in the boarding house, she had often wished for just one night of peace and quiet. Now that she had it, why was she lying awake, listening into the darkness?

  Last night and the nights before, Amy's breathing had lulled her to sleep, the scent of leather and grass and Amy's soap telling her that she was safe. Home. She'd never felt that before.

  I'm just too used to not being alone at night.

  She shook her head at herself. Her childhood had made her a master at lying to others, but she always tried not to lie to herself.

  This isn't simple loneliness. You don't miss company. You miss Amy's company.

  She opened her eyes and stared into the darkness. But she had missed Jo, too, after she had died, hadn't she? Yet she had still slept like a log after an exhausting day. Somehow, missing Amy was very different from missing Jo. Sharing the bed with Jo was like sharing with one of her half sisters. Amy's warmth in bed next to her didn't feel sisterly at all. She had never been as aware of Jo's body as she was of Amy's.

  Goose bumps broke out over Rika's skin, even under the warm blankets.

  She closed her eyes, but the image of Amy, red locks spilling over her pillow, remained.

  Thoughts like that were getting more frequent. Nothing good will come of thinking like this. It has no future. Maybe it was just Tess's and Frankie's confusing presence. Maybe marrying and moving away would be for the best. Once she married Phineas, she'd have no time to miss Amy at night.

  She hit her pillow into submission and squeezed her eyes shut tighter.

  * * *

  "What's going on with you?" Nora asked when the bedroom door closed behind them. "You barely smiled when Tess and Frankie told us they'll be staying in Baker Prairie to open a hotel."

  Luke forced a smile. "That's great news."

  "Your talk with Amy didn't go well, did it?"

  Luke flopped onto the mattress and stared at the ceiling. "She wouldn't talk to me."

  "What?" Nora sat on the edge of the bed and leaned over Luke. "But she always talks to you, even about things she doesn't want to tell me."

  "Not about this. How can we expect her to talk to me when she thinks I'm a man?" Luke kicked off her boots and let them thump against the wall. It didn't help her frustration.

  "But there has to be something we can do to help Amy. We can't let her hate herself, Luke. What can we do?"

  The question had been running through Luke's mind for twenty-four hours now. She found just one answer, and she wasn't sure whether it would help Amy or throw her even deeper into chaos. She clamped her fingers around the edge of the mattress. "As long as she thinks I'm a man, she won't talk to me. And she thinks you don't understand because you're married to me, a man."

  Green eyes appeared in Luke's field of vision. Nora put her hands on Luke's shoulders. "What are you suggesting?"

  "Maybe..." Luke rubbed her nose. "Maybe we should tell her."

  "Tell her what?"

  Luke opened her mouth, but the words wouldn't come. She took Nora's hand and pressed it to her own chest, letting her feel the bound breasts beneath the vest and shirt.

  Nora pulled back and stared at Luke. "Do you think that would help? Wouldn't it make things worse?"

  "Amy said she wants what we have, but she doesn't think it's possible for two women."

  "But Frankie and Tess —"

  "Amy doesn't know them as well as we do. And they hide their love. Amy needs to see two women she knows and who have a strong, loving relationship."

  Nora sighed. "That's a big risk. Are you sure you want to do that?"

  "I'm not sure at all." She wanted to stay Luke Hamilton, rancher, husband, and father. But what if by revealing her gender, she could show Amy that love between two women was good and lasting even if it required some sacrifice?

  Nora combed her fingers through the silver-tipped hairs at Luke's temple. "Maybe we should wait and give Amy some time before making a decision like that."

  "What if time doesn't help? What if Amy still loathes that part of herself in a week, a month, a year?"

  "Then maybe we need to take the risk." Nora's voice was low, almost a whisper. "Maybe it's time."

  Maybe it was. Their daughters were adults now. They had grown up to be responsible, strong women.

  Luke breathed in deeply. I've got to tru
st them with this. They deserve it.

  "Maybe it's better to do this now, on our terms, not while you are lying somewhere, bleeding," Nora said. She shivered. "If you had been shot by those two scoundrels from Fort Boise, Phin and Charlie would have found out."

  Luke searched her face. "Did you ever forgive me for not telling you sooner? For having you find out when you opened my shirt to save my life?"

  Nora cradled Luke's face between her hands and lowered herself until they were almost nose to nose. "There's nothing to forgive. Back then, we were strangers — married strangers, but strangers nonetheless. We hadn't learned to love and trust each other yet. But our daughters do. They love you, and we have to trust that in the end, they'll come to understand."