Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary)

by Jeff Strand

  "Who is your boss?" I asked.

  "Oh, golly, you almost got me there!" said The Apparition, sarcastically. "With a cunning question like that I almost blew the whole thing! You're so damn clever, I don't know why you haven't figured it all out already!"

  "Hey, it was worth a shot," I said. "You can never underestimate how foolish people can be in stressful situations."

  "Yeah, yeah, whatever.You know, I think I should just shoot you." He pointed the revolver at my face and took two steps forward. "Blow your head off then get myself some sleep."

  "You're not really going to blow anybody's head off with that thing," I noted. "Even Dirty Harry exaggerated, and his gun was bigger than yours."

  The Apparition glared at me. "Don't push me. I'm tired and cranky."

  "Won't your boss be upset if you kill me?"

  "My boss is welcome to pucker up and kiss my hemorrhoid-ridden butt."

  "That's a poor work ethic."

  "Be quiet. Anyway, if I were put in physical danger I'd be justified inshootin ' you, and who's going to know if I shot you while you weresittin ' peacefully on the couch or if you werelungin ' at me with a crowbar?"

  "Well, if my blood was all over the couch that might provide a pretty decent clue," I pointed out.

  "It doesn't really matter either way. If I don't kill you, things proceed as planned. If I do kill you, your part transfers to your buddy Roger. No big deal."

  "I don't know, Roger's pretty unmotivated."

  "Then I kill him and it transfers to your wife.Still no big deal."

  My insides tightened a bit at that. "I'm the one who messed around in the graveyard and played Find the Spare Change in the Head. I think I've got some investment in this thing."

  The Apparition nodded and lowered the gun. "You've got a point there. Maybe I won't kill you after all."

  "Well, thank you. You're a kind and generous soul."

  Then he shrugged and pointed the gun at my face again. "But to be honest, I'm already sick of you. I hope you can make peace with yourself in the next second and a half, because that's all you've got to live."

  Chapter 13

  OKAY, OBVIOUSLY I didn't die or I wouldn't be able to relate this tender little narrative.Unless, of course, I'm a ghost, writing these words through an Ouija board.Thatwould be pretty cool, but also incredibly time consuming, and the human I was channeling through would probably try to steal all the credit. Plus, becoming a ghost at the hands of a man named The Apparition would just be too ironic. So I lived.

  "I know where the money is," I blurted out somewhere around the half-second mark.

  The Apparition hesitated. "What money?"

  "The money your boss was looking for."

  "What are youbabblin ' about?"

  "Here, let me speak in a way that you might understand." I spoke slowly, enunciating each word, as if talking to a not-very-bright infant. "I know where the money is. And if your boss wants it, you'd be well advised not to shoot me before I tell you where it is."

  "My boss isn'tlookin ' for any money. You'rebluffin ' to save your life."

  "No, I'm not. Did you notice the ceiling?"

  The Apparition glanced up for a second. "What about the ceiling?"

  "It's the clue that answered the riddle. A neat littlepuzzle , actually. Your boss would appreciate it. Looks like Michael Ashcraft came up with some interesting stuff on his own. I didn't figure it out until right before you showed up, but it's pretty clever."

  The Apparition looked up once more, and then quickly returned his attention to me. "There'snothin ' on the ceiling."

  "Sure there is. Look at the watermark."

  "I don't see any watermark."

  "Well, now, that's the trick. You've got to look at it from the right angle. I'll show you, but you have to promise not to kill me."

  "I'm not promising you anything `ceptthat I'mgonna shoot you the second this starts to bore me. And I'mgettin ' very close."

  "Okay, fine, just back up a couple steps."

  Keeping the revolver focused on me, The Apparition took two steps backwards. "There'snothin ' there."

  "Look carefully at the way the light hits the whitewash. When you're in exactly the right place, you'll see what I'm talking about."

  "I don't see anything."

  "Well, gee, Mr.The Apparition, you must not be in exactly the right place, then. Would you like me to get up and show you?"

  "You keep your butt planted to that couch or you'regettin ' a bullet through the eye."

  "Sounds good.Try one step to the left."

  The Apparition took a step to the left, his foot coming down exactly where I'd hoped it would—on the tail of the cat. The cat let out a screech and latched onto his leg, claws and fangs moving like a garbage disposal. In the second that The Apparition was distracted, I lunged out of my seat and dove at him, my hands colliding with his throat and knocking him to the floor. I crouched down and smashed my knuckles into his wrist and made a grinding motion until he released his grip on the revolver, then I snatched it up and pushed it against his nose.

  "Please get this cat off me," he said.

  "The cat stays," I informed him. "Who do you work for?"

  "None of your business."

  "Unless you'd like a demonstration of the world's best cure for nasal decongestion, you'll start talking."

  "If you kill me, I won't be able to say a word."

  "Then I'll shoot you somewhere that won't kill you."

  "Thensomebody'll hear the shots and call the police."

  "Then you'll go to jail."

  "I'd say that you shot me when I wastryin ' to stop you fromburglarizin ' my friend's house. Could you please get this cat off me?"

  I could see that getting any information from him was going to require extreme measures. I stoodup, keeping the revolver pointed at him, and gently nudged the cat off his leg with my foot. It took off running down the hall, probably unaware that it had saved my life. Maybe I'd name it Reverse Snowflake.

  "C'mon, Mr. App, it's time to start spilling your guts," I said. "After seeing that tape, you'd better believe that I'm going to do whatever it takes to get you to talk."

  "Well then you should get started."

  "I will."

  The Apparition grinned. "Feelin'kind of tough right now, aren't you? I bet you don't get many chances to beat up a sleep-deprived old man."

  "This is your last chance to answer some questions peacefully," I warned him. "There's a whole kitchen filled with utensils that will make the process much less pleasant."

  "Hmmmm...letme see if you're scaring me yet." The Apparition pretended to think that over."Nope, not yet. I'll let you know if things change."

  "Fine," I said, motioning toward the recliner with the gun. "Why don't you have a seat?"

  "Nah, I'm pretty comfortable here on the floor."

  "I said,why don't you have a seat?"

  "And I said I'm pretty comfortable here on the floor."

  "Do you honestly think that after watching a guy being tortured to death with aspork I'm going to hesitate in shooting asicko like you?"

  The Apparition nodded. "Yeah, I do."

  I hate confident people.

  "Listen to me, you piece of shit," I said, hoping that profanity would indicate exactly how serious I was. "If you don't get up right now and park your ass on that couch, I'm going to push this gun against your kneecap, pull the trigger, and hope that our neighbors are heavy sleepers. Do you understand?"

  "I understand, but I stillain't getting' up."

  This wasn't fair. I had the gun, so I was supposed to have the upper hand.

  "I'm not kidding," I said.

  "I never said you were."

  Damn, damn, damn! Now I either had to make good on my threat or be seen as a nothing-but-talk weenie. And I didn't think I could work up the nerve to actually blow a hole through his knee.

  Okay, if intimidation wasn't going to work at the moment, I'd just have to rely on good old fashioned bru
te force. I walked over, grabbed The Apparition by his shirt collar, and yanked him to his feet. Then I clamped my hand on the back of his neck and forced him into the dining room, where I slammed him down onto a chair.

  "Stay there," I said.

  I walked into the kitchen, keeping the revolver pointed at him at all times. He didn't move, so he obviouslyhadsome doubts about my unwillingness to shoot. I searched through some drawers until I found what I was looking for. Duct tape.

  "Sure you don't want to talk?" I asked, twirling the spool of tape around my index finger. "You're about to become a lot less comfortable."

  "You know,I'mtryin ' to get scared, but for some reason I just can't. Idunno what it is."

  Fine.The cheeky bastard was getting taped to the chair. I set the gun on the counter and prepared myself in case he should make any sudden moves. I punched him in the stomach to keep him from squirming,then wrapped the tape around each of his hands, fixing them to the arms of the chair. Once that was done, I wrapped the tape around his chest until the spool was empty.

  "Comfy?" I asked.

  He didn't respond. I went back to the drawers and picked up a meat cleaver. I wished I could do some fancy moves, tossing it in the air like a master chef, but I figured that accidentally chopping off my own hand would cost me some intimidation points.

  "Okay, we're going to play a little game," I said. "It's called Tell Me What I WantTo Know Or I'll Cut Off Your Fingers One By One You Psychotic Bastard."

  "I'm not a psycho, I only work for one," The Apparition corrected.

  "You're not taking this very seriously. Don't you like your fingers? Haven't they provided you with many years of service? Think about all the times you've had the convenience of being able to hold objects or wear rings. If you don't cooperate now, you'll never be able to flip the bird at a lousy driver ever again."

  "I'll have to deal with it."

  Why did he have to be so difficult? If I had to resort to genuine torture to get the information out of him, well, I'd do it! To save five innocent people I could certainly bring myself to sadistically torture one scumbag.

  "Okay," I said. I pressed the blade of the meat cleaver against his little finger. "Say goodbye to Mr. Pinky."

  "There'sgonna be a lot of blood," he said.

  "I've seen blood."

  "Then don't let me stop you."

  I applied a little more pressure to the cleaver, not enough to even break the skin, let alone chop through the bone. My stomach was beginning to churn, but I had to be strong. One finger gone and this jerk would tell me anything I wanted to know. I balled my other hand into a fist and raised it above the cleaver, preparing to slam it down.

  "Last chance," I said.

  "I consider myself fully warned."

  I brought my fist down. But right before striking the cleaver I quickly changed direction and slammed my hand over my mouth. I darted over to the counter and promptly vomited in the sink. It was not a grand moment for my dignity.

  The Apparition began to laugh loudly.

  I wiped my mouth off on my sleeve and gave him the most evil look of which I was capable. It would probably have been more evil if I hadn't been positively sick to my stomach. I can pretty much handle snuff videos and people ripping their eyes out, but being the instigator of gruesome violence myself was way too much.

  "Nice show, Mayhem," The Apparition sneered. "Glad to see I didn't misjudge you! Maybe for an encore you can piss your pants!"

  I coughed a few times, and then turned on the faucet to rinse away the evidence of my inability to handle the rough stuff. I retrieved the meat cleaver from where it had fallen on the floor and placed it back against his finger. "Let's try this again," I said, my voice squeaking in a mostunmasculine manner.

  "Oh, give it up," The Apparition suggested. "What do you care if those people die, anyway? Faceit, youain't got what it takes to stop this. You're a loser."

  "You think I'm a loser?" I asked, raising the meat cleaver. "Is that what you think? We'll see who's a loser after I slam this cleaver right through your skull!" I began to pace back and forth, swinging the cleaver wildly through the air. "I've had it with your bullshit! I've had it! You don't want to talk, that's fine! I don't care anymore! I'm done being your boss'sfreakin ' puppet!"

  I kicked one of the chairs as hard as I could,knocking it over. "You think I'm a loser, myparents think I'm a loser, my wife thinks I'm a loser, fine! You hear me?Fine!" I slammed the cleaver into the table, imbedding it in the wood. I started to pry it out, but it was stuck pretty firmly and I didn't want The Apparition to see me struggle with it. Instead I pulled open the top drawer with so much force that it popped all the way out, scattering utensils all over the floor with a huge crash. I reached down, but grabbed a piece of a broken plate rather than a fork or knife.

  "I've had it!" I nearly shouted. "I'm ending this whole thing right here, right now, starting with you!" I raised the broken plate like a dagger, and then smashed it against the side of the chair so that splinters of glass sprayed up onto his face. Then I pushed the tip of the remaining chunk against his throat, hard enough that a small trickle of blood ran down his neck.

  The Apparition had gone completely pale. Apparently he'd decided that I was starting to become a threat to his personal safety.

  He stiffened, made a soft gasping sound, and then slumped forward, motionless.

  "Uh..." I said.

  I reached over and pressed my fingers against his neck. No pulse. It looked as if I'd given the old guy a fatal heart attack. I was getting a little tired of watching these.

  I stood there in shock for a long, long moment. Then I reacted.

  "You son of a bitch!"I shouted at him."You miserable prick! Where do you get off dying on me?" I resisted the urge to kick his chair over and settled for kicking the refrigerator instead. That hurt, so I quit.

  I returned to the living room and plopped down on the recliner.Great.Just great.Wonderful. Super.Dandy.Delightful.Peachy.

  Shit!

  Reverse Snowflake walked into the room and hissed at me. I told him to shut up and go away.

  Okay, technically I wasn't much worse off than I had been before I'd broken into the house, except that I was directly responsible for a dead body in the kitchen, and when the police eventually became involved I was going to have a bit of difficulty explaining it. The self-defense argument doesn't quite hold water when the victim is tied to a chair with duct tape.

  I wondered how the killer would react to the news.

  And then I brightened. Since The Apparition probably hadn't expected to spend the rest of his evening dead, maybe he hadn't gone to the trouble of covering his tracks. His truck was outside, and maybe he was even carrying a wallet. There might be a clue yet!

  THE APPARITION was not carrying a wallet, and a thorough search of his truck provided nothing of interest...with the exception of a little black book containing the killer's phone number.

  Chapter 14

  IT WAS lying there right on the seat. I quickly flipped through the book and concluded that The Apparition didn't have much of a social life—most of the pages were blank. There were listings for eight different pizza places, as well as addresses and phone numbers for Michael Ashcraft, Dominick Griffin, Linda Hanson, Rachel Mallory, FarleySoukup , and CarlUnderall .

  There was also one number, written on the bottom of the "A" page, without any description. I went back inside Michael's house and called it.

  After three rings, somebody picked up, but didn't speak.

  "Hello?" I said.

  Silence.

  "Is anybody there?"

  A click, then a dial tone.Okay,itwas kind of inconsiderate to be calling at this time of the night/morning. I would've hung up, too.

  Less than a minute later, while I stood around trying to decide what to do with The Apparition, Michael's phone rang. I picked up the receiver and said nothing.

  "Hello, Andrew," said the computer-generated monotone.

  "Hi, Chuckle
s. How's ithangin '?"

  "How did you get the phone number you just called?"

  "It was the weirdest thing. I was trying to call OswaldHankensnorker's Psychic Connection when my fingers slipped and I got you.Small world, huh?"

  "Where's The Apparition?"

  "He's safe, for now. But if you want to ever see his cute little beard again, I think we need to talk."