“Why do you even care about me?”
She wasn’t being argumentative or mean, he realized sadly. She honestly didn’t know. It was as if she found herself unworthy of such emotion and couldn’t comprehend how someone could possibly love her. She didn’t trust that what they had was real, and she was forever trying to test that solidarity, or fracture their bond. Lucky for her his threads were made of titanium or this woman would have succeeded in pushing him away a long time ago.
“You know what? I’ve asked myself that same exact question a hundred times.”
“And…?”
“I know heartbreak when I see it. And I guess after living with Willow for so many years, she’s taught me to see the person behind the pain. When you lower your guard and give me glimpses of the real you, I like her. I know there’s a reason you’re the way you are, that someone has done this to you. I want you to share your secrets with me. I want you to tell me what happened. I think if you do, the nightmares will stop when the memories lose their hold on you. And you need to see that I’m not going anywhere. Until you test this relationship, you’re never going to trust it.”
“You can’t say you’re not going anywhere. You don’t know what happened to me, Kyle. You don’t know what I’ve done.”
“You’re right, I don’t know. But I do know that whatever it was, it could never be bad enough to change the way I feel about you.”
Tears filled her eyes and she hastily brushed them away with the back of her hand. God forbid she allow him to see her emotion. She watched him for the longest time. Hope bloomed inside his chest as she seemed to consider confiding in him the truth that had so clearly damaged her soul.
And he knew the exact moment he’d lost her. Could see it in the grim determination in her eyes and the stubborn set of her jaw. It took everything he had not to grab her and shake some sense into her. Didn’t she realize she was choosing her past over their future?
“I can’t do it, Kyle.”
“You mean you can’t trust me. That’s what you’re really saying here.”
“I have trusted you! I’ve trusted you with my body!”
“But you won’t trust me with your heart!”
“Why do you have to keep pushing me?” she yelled, slamming down her cup.
“Because I can see what this is doing to you. It’s eating you alive! I wake up every night to the sound of your screams and it’s tearing my goddamn heart out that you won’t let me help you!”
“Then maybe I should leave.”
“Oh my God.” He threw up his hands and began to pace the tiny kitchen. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he closed his eyes, trying to stave off the headache threatening to come as he grappled for his last thread of patience. “You don’t get it, do you? I’m in love with you, dammit. And the only thing I can get from you is ‘maybe I should leave’? What is it going to take to get through to you?”
She looked momentarily shell-shocked by his confession. But then sadness overtook her expression and tears filled her eyes. “That’s just it, Kyle. Maybe you can’t. Why do you always have to try to fix me? Sometimes things are broken beyond repair and you just have to cut your losses.”
“That’s what you’re asking me to do, then? You want me to give up on you?” Dammit, this was not the direction he saw this conversation going. Panic started to grip his heart. He was losing her.
“I think if you don’t, I’m only going to end up hurting you. I can’t risk seeing that look in your eyes if you knew the truth. I can’t live with the fear that every time you look at me all you’ll see is my tragedy. I’d rather not have you at all than know I lost you because of that. And, Kyle, you may not think you’d leave, but you can still abandon someone without physically going anywhere. Trust me, I know.”
“You know what kills me, Pen? Is that you don’t believe in us enough to take that chance. You’re such a goddamn fighter, and yet you won’t fight for me. I’m tired of doing it alone. You’ve got to meet me halfway.”
Pen’s heart was racing, the room was closing in. If she didn’t get out of here she was going to have a panic attack. But Kyle wasn’t finished, and she really needed him to stop talking before she completely lost it.
“It doesn’t matter what I say, does it? I’m telling you I love you and you won’t believe me. As long as there are secrets between us, you’re never going to trust me. You’re never going to be free. Aren’t you tired of hiding? Isn’t it exhausting, carrying this burden alone?”
Of course it was, but it was all she knew. She didn’t know what it was like not to have the burden of shame and guilt following her around everywhere she went. “You don’t realize what you’re asking. You don’t want to know what drove me to do this!” Grabbing her sleeve, she yanked it up and showed him the scar hidden beneath the scripted ink—tetelesti. “I slit my own fucking wrist, Kyle! I tried to kill myself!”
He quickly disguised his shock at her words. When she went to pull her sleeve back down, he grabbed her wrist, strong fingers wrapping around her arm, inches from her shame. “This tattoo.” He held up her arm, nodding for her to look at it. “It’s exactly right, Pen. It is finished. Only you won’t let it be, because as long as you carry this secret around with you, it will never be over.”
Tears were flowing freely now. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t talk to him about this anymore. “I’ve got to get out of here.” She jerked her arm from his grasp and headed for the door.
“Where are you going? You can’t just take off. You know it’s not safe.”
She’d take her chances. Anything was better than having this conversation. Pen snagged her keys off the hook on the wall and headed for the door. She could barely see where she was going through the tears blurring her vision. Already her breaths were coming in short, gasping pants. She was starting to hyperventilate as the panic took its hold on her.
“Jesus Christ, Pen. Just wait a minute.”
“I…can’t…Kyle,” she sobbed between hitching breaths.
He caught her before she reached the door, snagging her wrist and pulling her to a stop. “Baby, don’t do this,” he pleaded. “Don’t leave. Dammit, I just want to help you.”
“I…know.” She made the mistake of looking at him. The anguish on his face tore her heart out. “But you…can’t. I’m…sorry. Just please…let me go. I just…need time to think.”
He muttered a nasty curse and released her wrist, defeat reflecting in his soulful eyes. She ran out the door, jumped in her car, and just started driving. The last time she’d run away was nine years ago. Clearly, she hadn’t gone far enough. Then again, how far did one have to go to escape their memories?
Un-fucking-believable. Kyle stared at the door, listening to the squeal of tires as Pen raced down the street. She just left. Just upped and walked out on him—on them. Kyle didn’t know whether to let her go, or chase after her; to kiss her, or throttle her for being so stubborn. His heart broke for her, and at the same time he was furious with her for pushing him away—again. He didn’t know what more he could’ve said or done to make her stay, to convince her he loved her. He’d poured his heart out to her, hoping she’d give him hers in return, and she left.
He’d pushed her too hard, too far. His mind was still reeling from how rapidly everything had escalated, how quickly it had fallen apart. He’d had all he could do to keep his shit together when she told him she’d tried to kill herself. God help him, he’d no idea a scar lay beneath that ink. Her artist had done an amazing job of covering it up. How many times had he looked at it, admiring the calligraphy, while unaware of the tragedy it disguised? What the hell had driven her to that point of desperation? Something so dark, she’d rather lose him than share that part of herself.
“Dammit!” He threw his fist into the wall. Sheetrock crumbled and he cursed again. Awesome. Now he had a gaping hole in his goddamn wall. He needed to go after her. This conversation was not over.
Grabbing his keys and his cell, he headed ou
t the door. He was getting into his car when the phone started to ring. He swiped his thumb across the screen without checking the caller ID.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Ky.”
“Will?” He closed the car door and hit the remote on the visor. The garage door slowly rolled up as he shoved the key into the ignition. “This really isn’t a good time.”
“I was just calling to see when you wanted us to come for supper. I think I’ll make Mom’s lasagna. Oh, and cherry upside-down cake—”
“Will, it’s not going to work tonight—”
“Come on, Kyle. Please don’t do this.”
“Willow, Pen left this morning and I don’t think she’s coming back.”
“What? Why? What did you do?”
Nice how she just automatically assumed he was to blame. Wait—he actually was to blame. If he hadn’t pushed her so hard… Then she’d still be lying to me.
“You need to talk to her and fix this.”
“That’s what I was trying to do when you called.” He fired up the engine and backed down the driveway. He wasn’t sure why Willow cared so much. “Look, Will, I’m going to let you go.”
“Yeah. Sure. Good luck. Let me know how it goes, okay?”
“I’ll catch you later.” Kyle disconnected the call and headed in the direction he’d seen Pen leave. He drove past her work but she wasn’t there. He drove by her house, but she wasn’t there, either. Several times he tried calling her cell, but every time it rolled over to voicemail.
Exhaling a frustrated sigh, he pulled a Hail Mary and made a call to someone who could hopefully talk some sense into her, because he clearly wasn’t getting anywhere on his own.
Chapter Thirty-One
Pen parked outside the automatic gate and stared at the mansion on the hill. Who would have thought hell could look so beautiful? Manicured lawns, tranquil gardens, bubbling fountains... This serenity was the setting of her nightmare; the place she’d nearly died to escape.
Nine years. That was how long it had been since she laid eyes on this place, vowing she’d never return. When she’d started driving, she had no idea this was where she’d end up. It was almost as if her subconscious had taken Kyle’s advice and prompted her to face her past.
Even this was too close—nausea churned in her gut on a persistent tide of dread. Perspiration that had nothing to do with the heat drenched her skin and her heart beat against her ribs until her chest ached. I have to do this. Even if Veronica was right and she was too late, Pen had to make peace with her mother before she could make peace with herself.
From the road, she could see her bedroom window on the second floor. Memories clawed at her, trying to break free of the suppression. Pen feared the moment she stepped back into that house, it would be like opening Pandora’s Box.
Her cell rang, startling her from her morbid muse. She checked the caller ID before accepting the call, grateful for the momentary reprieve. “Vi. It’s about time you called. Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been about you?”
“Hi, Pen. I’ve missed you too.”
“When are you coming home? I’ve already got your office unpacked.”
Her friend laughed. “A couple more days. Nikko and I have to make a quick detour to Seattle first. Our plane is taking off soon, but I wanted to talk to you before I left. How are things?”
What kept her and Vi great friends was that she never tried to get into Pen’s head and play shrink. She really hoped this wasn’t going to be the end of a beautiful friendship.
“Kyle called you, didn’t he?”
“He’s worried about you, Pen. He told me about the nightmares you’re having, and that he tried to get you to open up to him and talk about them.”
“Yeah? And what else did he say?”
“That you got pissed and took off. Listen, I know something terrible happened to you. Your avoidance of intimacy, the one-night stands; all the signs are there. I just figured you’d open up to me when you were ready. But you never did and I probably should have pushed the issue, but I didn’t want to cross that line.”
“But you’re fine crossing it now?”
“I don’t want to see you make a mistake and lose the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Kyle loves you, and I think you love him too. That’s why you’re so scared to tell him what happened. But you’re letting him go because you don’t want to lose him. You see the irony here, right? You’re going to have to trust someone sometime or you’re going to spend your life alone. And then, whoever did this to you? They’ll win.” She paused. “Want some advice?”
Not really.
“Put Kyle’s love to the test—tell him what happened. You’ll for sure lose him if you don’t, and he’s worth the risk. And if he can’t handle it and walks, then you’ll know you were right and you’ll have lost nothing more than you’re already losing with your silence. But what if you’re wrong? What if he can handle your truth? Think about what it would be like to have no secrets between you two.”
Vi was right. As hard as it would be, Pen needed to tell him what happened. At this point, she really did have nothing to lose. “How did you get so smart?”
Her friend laughed. “I’m a shrink. It’s kinda my job. I’d probably lose my license if I went around giving half-assed advice.”
Nikko’s deep, rumbly voice echoed in the background. “Hey, Clover. They’re boarding our section.”
“Okay, just give me a second.” Then to Pen, she said, “I’m sorry. I have to go. But I’ll call you as soon as we land. I’ve got a conference call scheduled with Detective Paskel in the morning. He told me about Peyton Sinclair and the things that have been happening to you. I’m so sorry I haven’t been there.”
“It’s all right. I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you, either. We’ve both had a lot going on, I guess.”
“Oh, you have no idea.”
“When you get back, we’ll have margarita night, get shitfaced, and you can tell me all about it.”
Vi laughed. “It’s a date.”
“Have a safe flight.”
Pen hung up her cell and opened her center console. She was rooting around for a tissue when a knock on the window startled her. She whipped around to find a security guard standing outside the window, tapping her glass with his flashlight. He made the gesture for her to roll down her window.
“This is a private residence, ma’am. There is no parking on the street within fifty yards of the gate. I’m going to have to ask you to move your vehicle.”
“I need you to open the gate. I’m here to see my mother.” The guard studied her and Pen sighed, removing her license and showing it to the guard.
He glanced at her ID and paled. “I’m very sorry, Ms. Cantrel. I meant no disrespect. I wasn’t aware the Senator had more than one child.”
“I’m not his daughter. Like I said, I’m here to see my mother. Please open the gate.” She put her license away while the guard radioed someone at the entrance. As Pen pulled forward, the gate slid open. From the rearview mirror, she watched as it slowly closed behind her. The metal clank of the lock engaging caused a jolt of dread to rush through her and she battled the claustrophobic feeling tightening around her chest like an invisible band.
Pen parked in the turnaround near the front door and got out of the car, forcing one foot in front of the other when she truly wanted nothing more than to abandon the whole plan and drive out of here, never looking back. Before she lost her nerve, she knocked on the door and was surprised to see a familiar face. It took a moment for the housekeeper to recognize her, but then she threw her arms around Pen and pulled her in for a hug.
“Miss Penelope! My gosh, I hardly recognized you. Come in, come in. It’s so good to see you. The Senator will be disappointed he missed you. He’s in Washington this week—”
“It’s good to see you too, Marie. I’m here to see my mom, but I don’t have a lot of time. Can you take me to her, please?”
“Of course.
She’s in the garden.” Marie led Pen through the house and out the French doors into the backyard. “I’m sorry, but this isn’t a very good day for her. Your mother’s memory is failing rapidly. I’m afraid she may not recognize you.”
“That’s all right. I just need to see her. I won’t be long.” Pen was grateful to be out of the house and relieved she didn’t have to worry about running into her stepfather. As she followed the path beyond the veranda, she entered the garden—her mother’s pride and joy. She’d done all her own gardening and had always been particularly fond of orchids.
Winding past the koi ponds and waterfalls, she followed the stone path until she came upon her mother sitting in a wheelchair, a nurse slowly pushing her as they strolled along the walkway.
Pen watched them a moment, her voice failing her when she tried to speak. She cleared her throat to try again, and the nurse glanced back at Pen. “Can I help you?”
Her smile was warm and welcoming, but sadly it did nothing to calm Pen’s chaotic emotions.
“I’m here…” Pen’s voice cracked. She cleared her throat and tried again. “I’m here to see my mom.”
Pen came forward, her heart hammering inside of her chest.
“That’s wonderful! Anna, your daughter is here to see you.” The nurse turned the wheelchair toward Pen, and when she saw her mother for the first time in seven years, her breath caught in a surprised gasp.
She thought she’d prepared herself for this moment, but no amount of preparation could dull the lancing pain of looking into her mother’s eyes and finding nothing but vacancy staring back at her. There was no recognition—no sadness, no regret, no disappointment, no guilt… nothing. All those emotions, they solely belonged to Pen. The hurt, betrayal, and heartache between them over the years…it didn’t exist. Pen realized in that moment that she was the only one still carrying that burden. The only person she was hurting by holding onto all of this was herself.
In for the Win (Against the Cage Book 5) Page 27