Holding Out for a Hero

by Codi Gary

  Which is why he trusted Sparks’s advice. He was right.

  But, God, he was lonely. He’d tried to deny that he wasn’t, but it had hit him hardest over the holidays, when all of his friends had been celebrating with their girlfriends and their families, and he’d been alone. He hadn’t even bothered to get a Christmas tree, just sat in his apartment drinking beer and watching Christmas specials on TV and trying not to think about Jenny and their child. About how it would have been his or her second Christmas and all the traditions they would have performed just to make the holiday special.

  It had been too depressing imagining what might have been.

  The only thing that had eased the loneliness over the last year had been the guys and Hannah. Maybe that was why he’d come into Dale’s every day until he’d finally figured out her schedule. It seemed a little stalkerish, but he could finally acknowledge that she’d made him feel something sooner than last week, even if he couldn’t admit it to himself before. Walking in and seeing that shy, sunny smile had warmed him to his core, and he’d started craving it. Craving the way she slowly opened up, started to tease him and talk to him. About anything from the weather to the way the River Cats were playing. She’d been the thing that had helped pull him out of the dark, and he was afraid that if he took that step, if he took things to the next level with her—and ruined it—he’d lose that light.

  And he didn’t think he could give it up.

  “THAT IS A total cop-out, and you know it, Han!” Nicki was practically yelling through the phone as Hannah walked out to her car after work, her stomach still churning from the encounter with Blake. She knew he was in pain, she could read it in his eyes, even as he’d been about to kiss her.

  If only she could help him realize that it was okay, that she wanted to take the chance and be with him, even if it didn’t work out. But she hadn’t been able to get the words out before he’d taken off.

  “Men only use that bullshit excuse about needing time when they want to chase tail on the side! He is a total douche bag, and I’m just glad you know now, so you’re not hung up on him for months as he strings you along like a puppet! Man, I’d like to sever his balls with a spork.”

  Hannah choked on a laugh. “A spork? That is a horrible visual, thanks. But honestly, Nic, I just think he’s sad. He’s lost a lot.”

  “Do not make excuses. If he wants to avoid dating someone new, then he shouldn’t go around kissing women and giving them sultry looks!” Before Hannah could defend Blake again, Nicki continued, “Just forget about the chowderhead, Han. On Friday night, we’ll be looking hot and shaking it with sexy military men. Screw him.”

  Hannah grimaced at the mention of the ball again. “You’re forgetting that he will be there.”

  “Good. We’ll make him regret every word. Then we’ll see who the jealous one is.”

  Hannah wanted to hop onto Nicki’s happy, cheer-up train, but she just wasn’t there yet.

  “Seriously, Hannah, we will do whatever we need to in order to cleanse this man from your system. You are not going to pine. I will not allow it. Say it with me. ‘I shall not pine.’ ”

  Hannah rolled her eyes and muttered, “I shall not pine.”

  “Louder.”

  “No, I’m sitting in my car in front of Dale’s—”

  “Louder, woman! Let me hear the conviction!”

  “I shall not pine!” She had to admit, it felt really good to yell out her frustrations.

  “Good. Now, put him from your mind and think about all the cute guys we’re going to have drooling after us on Friday.”

  That was easier said than done.

  Chapter Sixteen

  BLAKE SAT IN Dr. Stabler’s office that afternoon, waiting for her to call him back to her office to begin their session. He’d left Alpha Dog a little early to make it in time and ended up getting there a good fifteen minutes before his appointment. As he scrolled through his phone, his thumb hovered over the Kindle app, thinking of the books Hannah had recommended.

  He still couldn’t believe he’d almost kissed her again, but in his defense, her plump lower lip had been almost too tempting to resist. He could still remember the way it softened under his mouth, her tongue gliding along his as they’d gotten lost in each other.

  Knowing it would only ingrain Hannah further into his thoughts, he opened the Kindle app and tapped on the cover of one of the books she’d recommended. It was a contemporary sports romance, and the cover had a smiling couple who appeared to not be able to get enough of each other.

  Blake started reading chapter one, his eyes scanning each line as the author introduced the heroine, and pretty soon, he found himself on chapter two. By the time Dr. Stabler came out to tap him on the shoulder, he was fully engrossed in chapter three.

  “Blake,” she called loudly, making him jump in his seat.

  “What?”

  “I called your name several times, but you weren’t paying attention. What were you looking at?”

  Blake stood up, tucking his phone into his pocket. “Sorry, I was reading.”

  “Oh? What’s the book about?”

  Blake could feel his neck and ears warm with a blush. He could lie and tell her it was a thriller or horror novel, but he was here to be honest.

  “It’s one of the romance novels that Hannah recommended.” He sat in the chair across from her, waiting for her to raise an eyebrow or at least appear a little surprised, but instead, she just nodded.

  “I see. And how are you enjoying it so far?”

  “Well, to be honest, it isn’t as bad as I thought. Granted, I’m only a few chapters in, but so far it’s good.”

  “And you’re showing an interest in something that Hannah enjoys. Does this mean that you’re planning on taking things to a new level with her?”

  Blake shook his head. “I just decided to read it. It doesn’t mean anything more for me and Hannah.”

  Dr. Stabler seemed disappointed. “I see. So, you aren’t even going to text or call her to let her know you are enjoying the book she recommended?”

  “I . . . I hadn’t really thought about it.”

  Dr. Stabler smiled, picking up her notepad and pen. “You should. Women are usually pleased when a man takes an interest in something they enjoy.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m not sure how much she cares about my opinion,” he mumbled, but she’d heard him.

  “What makes you say that?”

  “She’s pretty mad at me, and I can’t blame her. On one hand, every time I’m near her, I have this overwhelming need to touch her, but then I have the voice in my head screaming that it isn’t fair.”

  “Is the other voice Jenny’s?” she asked.

  “No. I don’t think so, at least. It’s just me.” Running his hands over his face, he groaned. “God, I am so fucked up. You must think I am crazy, right?”

  “I don’t think that at all, but sometimes people imagine what their loved one might say if they were still alive, if only so they can still remember the sound of their voice.” Dr. Stabler gave him a rather pointed look. “What do you think Jenny would say to you?”

  Her question caught him off guard. The only time they’d discussed death was at his parents’ funeral. Blake racked his brain to remember the conversation, closing his eyes as he pulled the memory up.

  They’d gone out to dinner once the funeral was over, and after, they’d headed back to the hotel room they’d booked. Blake had been unzipping the back of Jenny’s dress, and she’d blurted out, “I hope when I go, it’s quick.”

  Blake had stilled, hating the conversation already. “I don’t want to think about this.”

  “I’m just saying that I hope it’s quick, and you better not let Courtney Mitchell through the door of my funeral.”

  Despite the morbidity of the conversation, Blake had laughed. “Fine, as long as you promise to have me cremated and dump me somewhere really cool. Don’t keep me around in some urn as a reminder to your next husband that I’m
always watching.”

  Jenny grabbed his hand and brought it to her lips. “I could never imagine being with anyone but you.”

  He’d kissed her softly on the side of the neck. “I feel exactly the same way.”

  “Blake?” Dr. Stabler called, bringing him out of the past. “You didn’t answer my question.”

  “What would Jenny say to me about Hannah?”

  “Yes, that is what I mean,” she said patiently.

  “I think she’d ask how I could move on so quickly.” Even as he spoke the words aloud, they sliced through him like a razor blade. Jenny’s face twisted up in a hurt expression was something he could easily imagine, and it pained him to think about.

  “Really? Or is that just your guilt?”

  Blake hated that she continued to turn these feelings back around on him, rather than believe him when he said that this is how he truly believed Jenny would feel.

  “I was just remembering the only time we’d discussed if one of us died, and Jenny had basically said she couldn’t imagine being with anyone but me.”

  Dr. Stabler frowned at him. “And that means she’d want you to be alone for the rest of your life? I think you don’t give her enough credit. If she’s dead, and she isn’t coming back, I can’t imagine her being so selfish.”

  Blake tensed. “Jenny wasn’t selfish. She was warm, generous, and kind.”

  “I want you to repeat what you just said in your head and ask yourself why you think that Jenny would be disappointed in you. Especially when you yourself just admitted she wasn’t a selfish person.”

  Swallowing hard, Blake imagined Jenny. If she had been the one to survive, he’d have wanted her to move on and be happy. And he really couldn’t imagine that she wouldn’t. Jenny had been too bright not to shine, and she deserved to find someone else who appreciated that.

  “She would have wanted me to move on. To be happy.”

  “So, the question is, is Hannah the person you want to do that with?”

  Blake left the office, and as he drove home, he tried to picture his future, one where he never remarried, never had kids or was happy. Where he was still living in a one-bedroom apartment, and while all of his friends were going to events with their families, he was alone, drinking.

  He didn’t want that future for himself, and neither would Jenny.

  Somehow, he was going to get up the nerve to ask Hannah out, but it had been so long, he had no idea what to suggest. In a movie they couldn’t talk, and he was afraid if he actually called, he might choke on the words.

  Was texting a viable option?

  HANNAH TAPPED AWAY at her computer later that night, trying not to check her phone every five minutes. After waitressing and teaching, she needed the downtime getting lost in her manuscript gave her, only she was distracted.

  By Blake.

  Despite what Nicki said about forgetting him, she just couldn’t push him from her mind and found herself expecting him to call, which was just ridiculous.

  It is the twenty-first century. I could text him.

  Hannah set her phone down and walked away, temptation too great. Milo chased her heels, trying to capture them with his tiny teeth and paws, and Hannah finally scooped the puppy up and squeezed him.

  “Hey, mister, we’ve talked about those razor blades in your mouth! No more biting!”

  The puppy’s long wet tongue caught her on the nose, and she laughed.

  Until she heard the ding of her phone.

  Setting Milo back on his feet, she picked up her phone and pressed the little message icon.

  Hey, Hannah, it’s Blake. Guess what I’m reading?

  Tapping on the keyboard, she wrote out a long, roundabout question, then erased it, settling for short and sweet.

  What?

  Several minutes ticked by before it beeped again.

  Blitzing Emily.

  Hannah smiled. He’d actually bought one of the books she’d recommended and was reading it? She couldn’t help melting a little as she responded.

  And how do you like it?

  She sat back down at the table, ignoring Milo’s attempts to sharpen his teeth on her feet as she waited. Beep.

  I am over halfway done. Just can’t put it down. So, thank you for the recommendation.

  Oh, yeah, it was going to be really easy to get over this guy. She snorted.

  You are very welcome. Maybe we could talk about it over coffee sometime?

  She sent the text before she thought of how he might react to it. He’d asked for time, and here she was, pressing him to see her. Her phone beeped, and she held her breath as she looked.

  I’d like that.

  She stilled, staring at the screen in shock. And then . . .

  Damn him.

  Here she was, trying not to get attached, and he went and said incredibly sweet things, even reading a romance novel she’d suggested.

  Has it given you a new appreciation for romance?

  Would he take that the wrong way?

  I really think it has. In fact, I’ve got the next book you recommended ready to go when I finish this one.

  Hannah squealed and did a little dance in her chair, laughing.

  Well, please let me know when you finish. I’d love to hear your final thoughts.

  Two seconds later, another beep.

  And her heart stopped.

  Anything for you.

  What the hell did that mean? And what the heck did she say to that?

  That’s nice of you.

  She wanted to bang her head against something the minute she hit send, but there was no taking it back.

  BLAKE STARED AT his phone screen, reading too much into her last response. After he’d sent anything for you, he’d realized how it would come across, but it was too late to take it back. He’d figured it would just be easier to keep the conversation going so she wouldn’t dwell on it, but it almost seemed as if it had pissed her off, if the formal response was any indication.

  Text message tones are hard to interpret. I need to chill.

  His fingers tapped the side of the phone as he contemplated what to do next.

  Do you have an e-reader?

  He knew the question had come out of the blue, but he’d actually been thinking about getting a tablet for a while, and if it kept her talking . . .

  I am such a lonely, pathetic asshole.

  His phone chirped, and he read her response.

  I have a NOOK. Why?

  Why was he asking her about e-readers? It wasn’t just that he wanted one. It was also because he was bored and wanted to get out of the apartment. Maybe head over to Barnes & Noble and grab a coffee and look around . . .

  But the thought of wandering around alone just didn’t appeal to him.

  I was thinking of getting one, but wasn’t sure what to get. Was thinking about heading out and grabbing a coffee, maybe stopping by Best Buy or Barnes & Noble to check them out. Would you want to go with me?

  Blake held his breath, panic setting in and churning in his stomach. But the excitement at her response seemed to override everything else.

  Sure. Want me to meet you?

  It didn’t make sense to take two cars, but having Hannah alone, two feet from him in a small area, left his mouth dry.

  I’ll pick you up. What’s your address?

  HANNAH THREW EVERYTHING out of her closet and was still convinced she had nothing to wear that didn’t look absolutely horrible. She’d finally settled on a light blue cowl-necked sweater and a pair of blue jeans when he knocked on the door.

  Milo stood in front of the door barking like crazy while Hannah shushed at him.

  “Stop it.” She opened the door, and Milo tried to push past her to get to Blake. Picking him up, she smiled out at Blake, who stood on the porch in a baseball cap, sweatshirt, and jeans.

  She’d never been into men in hats before, but there was something about Blake in one that definitely got her motor running.

  “Sorry, let me just put him
in his kennel.”

  “No problem.”

  Hannah ran Milo into the kitchen, giving him a puppy Milk-Bone and filling up his water dish before locking him inside.

  “Nice place,” Blake said behind her.

  She stood up and looked around at her small white kitchen; she’d always thought it was a little sterile looking, but it was cozy and all she needed.

  “Thanks.” Standing in the doorway of her kitchen made Blake seem bigger, his shoulders taking up half the space and his head just nearly touching the top of the frame. “Shall we go?”

  Blake nodded but didn’t move, and as she drew closer, he stepped aside to let her pass and followed behind her out the door. She was completely aware of his presence at her back, and she felt awkward and clunky as she walked.

  She locked her front door and could almost feel the warmth of his breath on her neck. “I like you in blue.”

  Her head jerked up in surprise. “Thank you.”

  “Is blue your favorite color?”

  No, it’s green with little flecks of gray, like your eyes.

  “It is.”

  “Mine, too.”

  They headed for the car, and Hannah twisted her hand around her purse strap, unsure of how to keep things going. At the diner, she never had any trouble talking to him, but now that they were completely alone, she wasn’t sure what to say. Especially since they’d said they were just going to be friends. There was all of this tension between them. It was hard to just be friends with a guy when you knew exactly how his lips felt against yours.

  Blake got her door, and Hannah stepped inside with a quiet thank-you.

  Hannah watched him run around the front of the car to the driver’s side and took a deep breath.

  Okay, I can do this. Just ask him questions about the e-reader. About the therapy dogs.

  As he climbed inside, Hannah said, “So, what made you decide to go looking for an e-reader tonight?”