On Equal Terms

by Catherine O'Connor

  ‘Cut it out, Kate,’ he growled, his features composed apart from the fine tension that pulled at the corners of his mouth.

  ‘Why?’ she said, being deliberately provocative but wanting to force the issue. She wanted him to see her as a woman, to admit to himself that he saw her as a mature adult—yet every time she seemed only to arouse his temper and not anything else. He closed his eyes to block her image out and shook his head. Kate dropped her gaze, saddened by his lack of response. She felt so foolish; all her attempts at seduction had failed miserably. She leaned against the door-jamb as Sebastian opened the door of her room. She flopped inside and he caught her arm to steady her as she kicked off her sandals.

  She turned, her arm still trapped by his. The moon cast a shadowy light over the room, lighting it with a silvery sheen. She tried to smile at him, a smile of apology, but it slowly faded from her mouth as she saw there was no censure in his eyes, no trace of anger or disapproval. His eyes were bright and clear and the message that shone from them was unequivocal. She was trapped by that look, held by its intensity, and she knew in that moment that they were both lost in the heady sea of long-ago memories.

  The moment seemed to stretch, lengthened by the silence that grew between them as the past seemed to rush up and threaten to overwhelm them. She stepped back, aware of the change between them and unable to comprehend it.

  Her gaze shifted to his lips and seemed to fix there; the impulse to move towards him was irresistible. They moved in union, his lips descending lightly on hers. Kate wanted to draw back the moment she felt his warm lips on hers but he did not allow her to move. His hand reached up, catching on the tight coil of hair that prevented him from cradling her neck. He pulled at her hair, releasing her tresses over her shoulders, the clip falling noisily to the floor.

  Taken by surprise by the kiss, Kate’s defences shattered as his warm lips became increasingly mobile, teasing away any last resistance. He was giving yet also demanding and Kate responded, luxuriating in the whirlpool of emotion he was so easily arousing in her. His hands were steady as he stroked her breast, awaking in her a flood of desire, her nipple growing tight as it pressed against her top. The thin silk provided little protection against his fingers as they explored the fullness of her breasts.

  She held her breath as she trailed her own fingers across the top of his shoulders, enjoying the feel of his muscles as their kisses deepened. His desire was growing; she knew by the firm urgency in his hands, the hunger that needed to be satisfied. How she longed to throw caution to the wind, to drown in the feelings she was experiencing; but years of emptiness, of loving and then being rejected, acted as a brake on her emotions.

  She pulled away, placing her trembling hands on his heaving chest; her breath was as ragged as his and she avoided his eyes, keeping her head lowered. His hands still rested on her back with a familiarity that caused equal amounts of pain and pleasure. She raised her head, unable to face him with a false look of composure; she was too agitated even to pretend.

  ‘Kate,’ he murmured huskily, his voice still warm with a slumberous unspoken invitation.

  She smiled wanly and shook her head. ‘Goodnight, Sebastian,’ she said firmly, swallowing the painful swell of emotion that formed in her throat.

  For a moment he hesitated and she felt a twirl of panic. She knew she no longer had the strength to fight him, to hide the depth of her feelings for him. They stood in silence for what seemed like an eternity to Kate before Sebastian spoke.

  ‘Goodnight, Katy,’ he said softly, the click of the door echoing in the room as a sad reminder of how alone she now was.

  CHAPTER TEN

  KATE groaned softly as she forced her eyelids open. She blinked as the bright light of early dawn stung her eyes. She rubbed her forehead; a faint dull throb drummed as she tried to remember last night’s events.

  Her eyes shot open, her hand flying to her face, and she trailed her fingertips over her soft lips. A flush of colour covered her face as she recalled all the details of last night Many of them were hazy flashes of incidents, but the moment she had entered her room was crystal-clear.

  He had kissed her. The smile that curled Kate’s lips faded as the cool realisation of what had happened next began to sink in. How on earth was she to face him today? No doubt it had all been her fault. Her behaviour had been a direct result of the hot sun and drinking too much. Even the few beers she had had were far more than her usual. The alcohol had given her the edge of courage she had needed to deal with Sebastian but now she was totally embarrassed.

  The thought of facing him was awful but Kate was determined to retain as much dignity as she could. She had a quick shower, dressed simply for the day’s excursion, then threw her few remaining clothes into her case.

  Breakfast was served buffet-style and consisted mainly of fresh fruit: mangoes, melons and pineapples, with an abundance of steaming, strong Kenyan coffee. A cooked meal was available as well, but Kate certainly didn’t feel up to it. She helped herself to some warm bread and made her way over to the table where Sebastian sat staring out across the bush, oblivious to her arrival. She paused, then took a steadying breath; she was determined to brazen it out

  ‘Hello,’ she said quietly, too self-conscious to say anything more till she could read his reaction.

  ‘Good morning, Kate.’ His voice was low and controlled and his face an expressionless mask. Kate pulled back her chair; it scraped noisily on the floor, making her grimace. ‘Headache?’ he drawled, reading her expression. Kate looked at him, annoyed by his taunting smile.

  ‘No! Not…really,’ she said, concentrating on her plate to avoid his penetrating gaze.

  ‘Coffee will help,’ he acknowledged, filling her cup; the aroma was a welcome stimulant.

  ‘Thanks. I don’t usually drink more than a glass of wine. I was just so thirsty last night after the heat of the day,’ she added by way of explanation, or maybe defence, she thought ruefully as she buttered her bread, glad of some activity. ‘I’m sorry if I…’ Her voice trailed off.

  ‘Can’t you remember?’ he cajoled, his long, tapering fingers toying with his cup while he kept his eyes fixed firmly on her.

  Kate exhaled softly then glanced up, smiling halfheartedly. She ran a hand through her hair, unconsciously fluffing it into a soft cloud. ‘Parts,’ she confessed. She refused to comment about last night. He probably wanted to forget all about it, to put it down to her immaturity again.

  ‘Like limboing under the table?’ Sebastian offered helpfully, but his voice held a teasing softness.

  Kate laughed nervously. ‘I didn’t,’ she protested, raising her head swiftly then holding it still as it caused her a sudden sharp pain.

  ‘No, you didn’t,’ he assured her with a smile that fanned the flame of desire he had awoken in her last night and which still hadn’t died. Kate allowed herself to join in his laughter. It helped to defuse the situation.

  ‘I never drink beer at all normally and certainly never that amount,’ she told him. She gave a sheepish smirk. She picked up her coffee and grimaced as the bitter taste hit the back of her throat.

  ‘It’s just as well,’ commented Sebastian coolly with a measure of censure in his tone. ‘No wonder you can’t remember, or is your memory being a little selective?’ he asked in a seductive drawl that warned Kate she was treading on thin ice and had to be very careful.

  ‘I can remember,’ she answered emphatically, draining her coffee-cup and pouring herself another. She felt she needed it: the caffeine might stimulate her brain into some rapid thinking. ‘It’s just hazy,’ she faltered, trying to sound casual and unperturbed by his line of questioning.

  He raised his eyebrows, the hint of a smile playing about the corners of his mouth.

  ‘OK, I remember,’ she snapped, no longer wanting him to play this cat-and-mouse game with her emotions. ‘I kissed you,’ she said with calculated indifference. ‘So what? I had a little too much to drink and it just happened. It was no big
deal,’ she concluded, hating the lie but knowing she had to appear unruffled by last night’s events if she had any chance of surviving today. Why didn’t he contradict her, tell her it was important, that the alcohol had only helped them both to express how they truly felt? Instead he remained totally impassive.

  ‘No big deal,’ he agreed, his expression guarded, but his eyes took on a cold, haunted look that chilled Kate’s blood. He pushed his breakfast plate away from him in sudden disgust, as if he had lost all his appetite. He picked up his cup and knocked back the last dregs of coffee in a fashion that made Kate wonder if he felt like something stronger. She shifted her gaze away, taking a firm interest in her half-eaten breakfast and feigning indifference to his action while internally she was all at sea.

  ‘I’ll just go and check my room,’ she told him in a calm, controlled tone of voice. ‘Just to see if I’ve left anything,’ she added as she stood up and moved away. She wanted to be out of his presence. He stood as she left, forever the perfect gentleman.

  Nothing had changed; nothing would ever change between them. This latest incident was just another of the silly childish slips that he expected from her. Kate was so angry with herself for allowing it to happen. But surely he had responded? she mused as she picked up her case and wandered outside.

  The sky was a cloudless blue, the sun already a golden disc in the sky. Kate sighed as her eyes scanned over the bush; it was beautiful and not even last night’s unfortunate incident was going to spoil it. It was only a kiss, like others stolen from him years before, yet in some way, it was different. Kate couldn’t comprehend the change but she knew it and sensed it as only a woman could.

  ‘All aboard,’ called the guide, breaking into her thoughts, as he walked past and clambered into the open-topped Jeep. She picked up her case and sauntered after him. The luggage was transported on a separate vehicle while they went off in search of the wildlife. Kate made her way to the back of the Jeep, settling herself down and trying to remain immune to Sebastian’s presence—but he was already waiting for her. He smiled and shifted up in his seat as she approached.

  ‘Feeling better?’ he asked.

  ‘No!’ Her denial was as fast and quick as the look she flashed at him, but not so quick that he did not see the troubled pain in her eyes. ‘A little groggy, that’s all,’ she said, trying to cover her discomfort.

  ‘Good,’ he replied curtly, lowering his sunglasses.

  The incessant talking of the guide filled the following empty, embarrassed silence which developed between them. It was interesting to learn, as they drove past the herds of zebras, that the animals’ stripes baffled tsetse flies; somehow it made rising at the crack of dawn worthwhile. Nervous antelope scattered at the first sound of the engine, darting between the scrub bush into the gauzy acacia trees, then off into the far distance. The Jeep drew to a halt to allow the tourists to take photographs, or just watch the antics of the elephants.

  ‘It’s a pity so many are hunted,’ Kate said, horrified by the details of the poachers who were systematically killing elephants with no thought of the future.

  ‘The black market in ivory and furs is extremely lucrative,’ Sebastian remarked drily, re-focusing his camera to take another shot. He leaned over towards Kate to take the picture and at that moment she chose to turn, her face only inches away from his. He lowered his camera, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Kate flushed as his warm breath caressed her face and she quickly lowered her lids to conceal the interest she knew would blaze there despite her efforts to prevent it. Sebastian pushed her shoulder, moving her out of his line of vision, his touch causing a sudden, unexpected twirl of excitement in her stomach.

  ‘Just lean back while I take this shot,’ he told her briskly, and then began snapping away and rolling the film on with skilful ease. Kate sat savouring the effect that his close proximity was having on her, feelings that she knew she could no longer deny.

  ‘Thanks, that was great; magnificent beasts, aren’t they? Tragic that they could become extinct.’ Sebastian sat back, his thigh stiffening slightly as it brushed against Kate’s, and he hesitated for a moment.

  ‘Money, money, money! People are obsessed with it,’ said Kate disgustedly as she looked at the small elephant calf hiding under the legs of its mother.

  ‘My, you’ve changed your tune,’ said Sebastian, surprised by the conviction in Kate’s voice. ‘You used to be the credit-card queen!’

  Kate bristled, but his words were true. ‘I suppose I was,’ she admitted. ‘I never gave a thought to anything.’

  ‘Why the change?’ he asked. She picked up the genuine warmth and interest in his voice and responded to it. Her heart knocked against her ribs as he picked up her hands in his strong fingers. ‘Come on, Kate, why the change?’

  ‘When I decided to stand on my own two feet I was quite determined not to use my allowance, so I was forced to live on my small income and—surprise!’ she said, laughing at herself. ‘I managed.’ Her pride in herself was evident. Sebastian still had hold of her hand, resting it on his knee with an ease that made it seem so comfortable and natural.

  ‘Hence the grubby flat?’ he said, still remembering Terry, but nodding understandingly.

  ‘It wasn’t grubby, it was perfectly clean,’ Kate cried, hurt by his unfounded criticism.

  ‘All right, calm down!’ He grinned, giving her hand an affectionate squeeze and sending an electric volt through her body.

  ‘I’m very proud of that flat…’

  ‘Are you?’

  ‘Yes. I achieved that on my own. On my own,’ she repeated. ‘Do you know what that means?’ she said, facing him squarely with a mixture of indignation and pride.

  ‘You mean without just being accepted into the family business?’

  ‘No, I wasn’t making any gibe at you. I was forced to make it on my own terms and I’m grateful for that,’ she told him, realising for the first time that being independent had helped her to mature.

  ‘Forced?’ repeated Sebastian. ‘What do you mean, forced?’

  Kate inwardly acknowledged that she should have chosen her words more carefully; Sebastian was too sharp.

  ‘Nothing,’ she said quickly—too quickly—turning away and dragging her hand from his. She couldn’t tell him. To admit it to herself was painful enough, without having to explain to Sebastian about her father’s rejection.

  ‘Come on, Kate,’ he said in a deep, coaxing voice. ‘I know you too well. Tell me,’ he insisted.

  She was trying desperately not to be affected by his nearness and her response was defensively curt.

  ‘Forget it,’ she snapped, feeling terribly threatened by him and by her own desire to share her troubles. She had to put an end to this conversation before she revealed too much.

  ‘Kate…’ His voice, though quiet, held an unmistakable steely edge that alerted her to his determination to know the truth. She hesitated; she was too aware of the scenes that had led up to her father’s rejection of her; she remembered how much a part of those rows Sebastian had been. She took a slow, calming breath as she tried to keep her emotions under control.

  ‘I’m not bothered now. It’s in the past and I have a new life,’ she began to explain, but Sebastian cut in, his patience at an end.

  ‘There’s something you’re not telling me, Kate, isn’t there?’ he persisted. ‘I’ve known there was something wrong ever since I picked you up from the hospital,’ he added in a gentler tone.

  Kate lowered her head and knew there was no turning back now, so she plunged on.

  ‘I did want to come home,’ she confessed in a small voice. ‘But I never received any answers to my letters, so I guessed…’ Her mouth dried and she cast a covert glance at Sebastian to gauge his reaction to her admission.

  ‘Kate, are you sure?’

  ‘Sure? Of course I’m sure!’ she cried indignantly, her pain veering towards anger that he did not believe her. ‘Have you any idea how lonely I was?’ The expressi
on on her face was etched with the fine pen of painful experience.

  ‘Oh, Kate,’ Sebastian said sadly. ‘You should have come home. Talked to me.’

  ‘I couldn’t. I left under such a dark cloud. And when I received no reply to my letters I decided to make it on my own,’ she informed him, suddenly feeling better now that she had explained her behaviour to him.

  ‘And you succeeded?’ he asked doubtfully. All he knew was that she had been living with a man who no doubt paid all the bills, which he thought was so typical of Kate. He didn’t realise she had built up a career with the charity.

  ‘Yes—yes, I did,’ agreed Kate readily. ‘Humble though it was, that was my flat—all mine.’ Her soft mouth widened into a tempting smile.

  ‘So what is this job of yours that has brought about such a change?’ he asked coolly. ‘You haven’t joined some weird religious sect, have you?’ He gave a wicked grin that made her heart soar as the last few barriers she had built to protect herself against him began to fall.

  ‘No, I haven’t!’ Her laughter carried on the early morning air, stirring him with its lightness. ‘It’s called job satisfaction and it has nothing to do with how much one is paid,’ she told him firmly. She watched his winged dark brows rise playfully at her words.

  ‘So what do you do?’ he queried, intrigued by her genuine conviction about her work and recognising that it meant a great deal to her.

  ‘I work for a Third World charity,’ she began as she caught the flicker of surprise and approval in his dark eyes. ‘I’m a co-ordinator,’ she explained, seeing his frown when he didn’t understand. ‘Developing overseas projects, working as a go-between. I sort out whether or not the idea is viable, then arrange the finance.’

  ‘I’m impressed! It sounds interesting,’ he acknowledged, with a slight inclination of his head, and Kate warmed to her topic. At last he was proud of her and she had something to boast about.