by Hawke Oakley
Great.
I tried to ignore it. At least I’d had a few seconds of peace.
“Whose there?” one voice called. Female. Friendly and familiar.
“It’s Aaron,” I replied.
“Oh, hey! It’s Caroline.”
I smiled a little. I’d met her during orientation and she always said hi to me in the halls. She was sweet. The kind of girl your parents would like if you were straight and brought her home.
There was another voice I didn’t recognize that seemed to grunt. Not as cheery. Kind of also familiar.
Caroline’s voice again. “Beth, come over here, there’s a couple free showers.”
Beth. I stood rigid and suddenly cursed myself for what I’d seen the other night. I realized now just how much I must have embarrassed her, when it wasn’t her fault. She was just caught in the crossfires. The heat of shame burned my face. I should apologize to her, but I didn't want to do it here in the showers when we were both naked. That just seemed… not right.
I heard another two sets of shower heads start running in the stalls next to mine.
“So, Aaron, you going to the party tonight?” Caroline asked over the spray of water.
That was another thing that struck me as odd the first time I experienced it. Girls talking to you in the shower like it was no big deal. They talked to each other on the toilet, too. You learned something new everyday.
“Yeah, I am,” I replied. “Are you?”
“Of course!” Caroline said. “Beth and I are gonna be the first ones there!”
Beth hadn’t said anything up until now. I grimaced, wondering if she was willing her friend to stop talking to the guy who’d walked in on her fooling around with Riley.
“It’ll be fun, then,” I said.
Caroline giggled. “You know, I never really see you at floor parties. Do you go to them?”
“Not really,” I said. I grabbed the bottle of shampoo. Might as well get clean while chatting. “They’re usually too rowdy for me.”
“Aw, that’s too bad!” Caroline said emphatically. “Well, the one’s on our floor are usually alright. I hear other dorms are total party animals. One time – I think it was this year or last – I heard a floor party got busted in Perth hall.”
“Busted by who?” I asked.
“The cops!” Caroline exclaimed. “That’s how bad it was!”
“The cops so did not come, Caroline,” Beth said. “They don’t come unless there’s straight-up violence or hard drugs.”
“I’m just telling you what I heard!”
Beth grunted like she still didn’t believe it. I didn't know what to believe. Hell, I’d never even been to a tame floor party.
“So what do you usually, like… do?” I asked, testing the waters. I figured if anyone would answer my question without making fun of me, it’d be Caroline.
“Oh, just hang out. People bring snacks and stuff, and someone always sneaks alcohol in, even though you’re not supposed to. I don’t think the RAs really care unless someone’s so drunk they’re causing problems.”
“Just don’t let them catch you drunk,” Beth added. “Some of them let you off easy, and others don’t. Best not to try and found out which one is which.”
I was surprised Beth was actually giving me advice. “Thanks for the heads up. I don’t really drink, though.”
“Suit yourself,” she replied.
But Caroline seemed more surprised. “Really? I always see Riley at parties, though, and he’s always drinking. You two are roommates, right?”
I winced, glad she wouldn’t see it through the stall. “Yeah, we are.”
Beth fell silent again. I wished Caroline hadn’t brought him up. But it was about to get worse.
“Beth, weren’t you dating him a while back?” she asked, sweet but completely clueless.
“We weren’t dating,” Beth said. “Just fooling around. He’s not really my type.” She added to me a moment later, “No offense.”
“None taken,” I said, almost with a laugh. “He’s not mine either.”
As the words came out of my mouth, I froze. Fuck. Did I just out myself by accident? I hadn’t even meant it like that. “I mean – we’re not close,” I sputtered. “We’re not friends, is what I meant.”
I was mentally kicking myself, burning up with embarrassment. I prayed they wouldn’t take it the wrong way. I had enough problems to deal with right now without Caroline potentially spreading around the fact that I was gay. God, I’m an idiot.
I couldn’t tell if it was my imagination, or if there really was an awkward silence now floating above the sound of the spraying water.
I thanked God when Beth spoke. “Yeah, I can see why. He’s kind of a douche.”
As quietly as I could, I let out the huge breath I’d been holding in. “You can say that again.”
“Ugh.” Beth groaned in disgust. “I can’t believe I even let him talk me into getting into bed with him.”
“Honey,” Caroline said sympathetically. “It’s okay. We all make mistakes.”
“I mean, we didn’t even do anything,” Beth went on. “Actually, you know what? I should be glad Aaron came in and interrupted because, God.”
My heart fluttered. She was glad?
“R-really?” I said. “I was actually gonna apologize for that.”
“Ugh, don’t.” A wave of relief washed over me. At least I had one less enemy now.
She was speaking to both of us now. “Did you know he didn’t even know where my clit was? What an idiot.”
I blushed, but felt the need to laugh along. “How could he not?” God, why did I say that?
“I know, right?” Beth exclaimed. I could picture her throwing her arms indignantly in the air. “Like, how can you be in college and not know?”
My face got hotter. It wasn’t like I had any experience with one, besides a rudimentary understanding from sex ed. I’d never been intimate with a cis guy, much less a trans guy, so I was less than qualified to comment.
Caroline’s voice broke into my thoughts with a giggle. “We’re not making you uncomfortable, are we, Aaron?”
“No, of course not,” I said, as gently as I could.
“See, that's what I like about gay guys,” Beth said. “They’re so much easier to hang out with.”
I froze.
“I mean, you are gay, right?” Beth asked.
“Uh,” I said. “I mean, yeah, but – how did you know?”
“Man, I dunno. You just have that way about you,” she said.
Great. What the hell does that mean? How am I supposed to “act” more straight?
“Oh,” I said.
“It’s not weird if we know, is it?” Beth asked. “I mean, it’s not like we’re gonna go around telling everyone.”
I sighed. At least there was that. “Yeah, it’s fine. I guess people would find out sooner or later.”
“But yeah, that’s what I’m saying,” Beth continued. “When guys and girls find the same dude off-putting, you know something’s up with him.”
That piqued my attention again. I always thought it was just me Riley acted… Riley-esque towards. It was strangely comforting to hear that Beth didn’t like him, either.
I finished my shower earlier – girls always seemed to take a long time, I realized, probably from all the grooming they thought they had to do – and wrapped a towel around my waist. I twisted the water off and stepped out of the shower, letting my hair drip on the tile.
“I’m gonna run, but, uh, it was nice talking to you guys,” I said honestly.
“Aw! You too, Aaron!” Caroline called. I liked Caroline a lot, I realized.
“See you tonight,” Beth added.
“Yeah,” I said. “Seeya.”
I shook my head off like a dog, spraying droplets everywhere, and headed back to my room. Someone whistled, and I perked up immediately. It was a young woman – one I didn’t recognize. She was quite tall with flat black hair that flowed ar
ound her like silk. Her eyes pierced mine.
“Do all the boys in this dorm walk around half-naked?” she asked, her voice amused but cool. I stood there awkwardly, dripping on the carpet, not knowing what to say to her.
“Uh,” I said. “I guess?”
She brought a hand to her mouth in amusement. I noticed she was holding a cloth bag with what appeared to hold something heavy. I heard glass clinking together. Was she carrying alcohol?
“You’re cute. Maybe I’ll see you at the party,” she said, brushing past me without even giving me a chance to answer. I was glad she didn’t. She gave me the creeps.
I tried to ignore the goose bumps on my skin from both the cold and strange encounter as I entered the room. Riley still wasn’t here, but that was fine with me. I sighed and sat on the edge of my bed, taking a moment to compose myself. I was really going to a party. My first real party.
What the hell were you supposed to do?
I slumped back on the bed, getting the covers wet.
I couldn’t stop thinking about how Riley was the one who invited me. Without him, I wouldn’t have even known about it. Was I too shy? No, I thought, that couldn't be. I wasn’t shy. I just liked my privacy.
I rolled over, furrowing my brow in thought. Did people think I was shy? I felt mildly offended and wondered if that’s why no one had invited me before. I exhaled and steeled myself. I’d show everyone there that I sure as hell wasn’t the quiet kid they all thought I was.
Chapter Six
Riley never showed up at the room before the party began. I guessed he must have been dressed and ready whenever he’d left. I didn't mind – it was nice to have the room to myself once in a while.
Connor had said around 7, so I waited until 7:06 before getting off my bed, checking the mirror, running a hand through my hair (though, really, I wasn’t trying to impress anyone), and leaving the room. I could already feel the bass from the music rhythmically thumping through the floor and headed for Connor’s.
To my relief, he greeted me at the door. He’d already had a bit to drink – something fruity, probably a cooler, which was easier to get your hands on – and he grinned as he slapped me on the back. “Hey, Aaron, glad you made it!”
“Thanks,” I said, taken off-guard and reeling a bit from how hard he’d hit me. He was a big guy who didn’t know his own strength, but I was glad he saw me as a friend enough to get rough with me.
I looked around the room. Some (I assumed) non-alcoholic drinks were on display, along with some smuggled caf snacks. There were a few people I recognized and was at least acquaintances with, and I nodded to them in acknowledgment. “You’re still setting up?”
“No big deal, people basically show up whenever,” Connor said with a shrug. “Hey, you know Caroline and – well, I know you know Beth.”
“Yeah,” I said, making a note to tell him later that we’d patched things up. “What’s up?”
“They’re gonna take ages to get here if someone doesn’t go rush them,” he said with a laugh. “Tell them Connor said ‘hurry the fuck up.’”
“Alright.”
I headed down to their room and found their door slightly ajar. Voices were coming from inside.
“Hey,” I said, trying to knock without pushing the door in any further. “Caroline? Beth?”
I heard the tail end of Caroline’s giggling as she realized I was there. “Is that you, Aaron? Come in!”
I did so, and got a face full of, well, half-naked Beth and Caroline. I mean, Beth wasn’t a surprise at this point, but Caroline was.
“You,” I began, quickly averting my eyes to stare at the floor. “Sure are not dressed yet.”
Caroline fell back onto her bed, kicking her legs and burst out laughing. Beth sighed, but she was chuckling a little too.
“I told you,” Beth said to her friend as she wiped tears from her eyes.
“Told her what?” I asked, my face flushing from embarrassment.
“That you’re not interested in her,” Beth said with a smirk.
“Oh,” I said. My face got even redder. I smoothed my hair back. “Sorry, I’m – really not.”
But neither of them seemed at all concerned. In fact, Beth even waved me over to sit next to her while they got ready.
“He already told you, Caroline, he’s gay, not bi,” Beth said. “Better luck next time.”
I shrugged sheepishly. “My bad.”
Beth’s eyes sparkled at me. They had a warmth in them I hadn’t noticed before. She seemed like a completely different person than the one I’d accidentally interrupted in bed with Riley.
Caroline was pouting as she wormed her way into a low-collared shirt. “But how do you know you’re not bi?”
I blinked. “I dunno. I just know, I guess.” I paused. “How do you know you’re straight?”
Caroline stopped and mulled over this. “Huh. I’m not sure!”
“See?” I said.
“Maybe we should kiss and find out,” Beth said with a smirk. But then a light flicked on in my head, and I knew Beth already knew the answer.
“Beth,” I began, tilting my head as I looked at her. “You’re bi, aren’t you?”
She didn’t look surprised by the question. “What gave it away?”
“Oh, my gosh! Beth, you’re bi?” Caroline shrieked in delight and took her hands in her own, as if learning something new about her best friend was better than Christmas morning. “I had no idea! Why didn’t you tell me?”
Beth waved her hand. “Oh, you know. People get weird about it.”
“That's really cool,” I said, smiling at her. “I’m glad I’m not the only queer kid around.”
Beth shrugged. “You know what? There’s probably more of us around than you think.”
I sighed. “I dunno about that. I’ve been here a month and you’re the only other person I’ve met who isn’t straight. I haven’t even told my roommate I’m gay.”
She winced in sympathy. “Yeah, Riley doesn’t seem like the type to take it well. I mean, it’s 2017. Come on!”
Caroline put her hands on her hips. She looked like an indignant duckling. “Well, if he ever does say something rude to you, I’ll make sure to chew his ear off!”
Beth nodded. “He’ll get more than a chewing out from me.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. Why were all the girls in my life cooler than I was?
“Thanks, you guys,” I said. Only now that the moment was over did I realize both of them were still partially dressed. The blush returned to my face. “Well, uh, Connor told me to tell you to hurry up.”
“We like to make him wait,” Beth said with a grin. “Keeps him on his toes.”
“It didn’t seem like there were many people there, yet anyway,” I said. “Do they usually just trickle in?”
Beth smiled coyly. “It’s so cute how you don’t know anything about parties.”
I flushed. “Hey!”
“Don’t make fun of him!” Caroline interjected, throwing her arms protectively around my shoulders. “He’s like a zoo animal. Like a confused wolf.”
Me? A wolf? “Hardly. More like a horse.”
“How are you like a horse?” Caroline asked with a giggle.
“Well, they’re pretty shy animals, but they don’t back down in a fight. Get on their bad side and you’re toast,” I explained. As a silence fell, I got embarrassed that I’d totally geeked out like that.
But then Caroline considered this, then nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I can totally see that! We had horses back home, and you actually remind me of this little chestnut horse we had.”
“A pony suits you better,” Beth said with a grin, ruffling my hair.
“Hey, why do I have to be a pony?” I said with a pout. “I want to be a stallion.”
Caroline doubled over. “That’s so funny – the little pony we had was a stallion!”
Beth rolled her eyes, remembering my original question. “Anyway, people don’t really start showing up until
the booze arrives.” She checked her watch and made sort of a face. “Which, knowing Lily, could be whenever.”
For some reason this sent a chill through me. I had a feeling I knew the answer before I even asked. “Who’s Lily?”
Beth’s face almost darkened. Her previous humor was gone. “She’s this upper year who always hangs out at parties. It doesn’t matter if it’s a shitty party for first years, she’s there – and she somehow always manages to sneak in a shit-ton of alcohol without getting caught.”
“She scares me,” Caroline said, looking around as if Lily could be lurking anywhere. “She’s like, a model. But a creepy one.”
I remembered back to when the tall, silken haired woman had spoken to me in the hall and shuddered. Creepy was an understatement.
“Well, I’m glad you guys think so too,” I muttered.
“Oh, definitely,” Beth said, nodding. “I don’t know if anyone even likes her, they just sort of tolerate her because she’s hot and she brings booze. I guess the straight guys are into her mostly because she’s hot, though.”
“Straight guys,” I said with a scoff. They grinned at me and the mood lightened again. I was happy to be off the topic. I stood. “I should probably get back before Connor thinks nobody’s coming.”
“We’ll be there soon!” Caroline promised as she shoved one leg into a pair of black tights.
“Don’t get too bored without us,” Beth said, winking.
As I headed back to Connor’s room, I realized I’d been smiling the whole time I hung out with them. I had buddies in the dorms, sure, mostly guys who said hey to me in the halls and would chat with me in the cafeteria. But Beth and Caroline felt special, like they actually cared about me for who I was.
Wow, that’s gay, Aaron.
The halls pounded with the music’s bass, almost like a mini-earthquake shook the floors with every beat. Connor had blasted the volume since I’d left. I noticed too that more people were milling about outside the door, half in and half out. I guess the party finally started for real.
“What the hell, Aaron?” Connor said with a laugh. “I told you to bring the girls and you come back empty-handed!”
The guys in the room let out an exaggerated, disappointed Aww! in unison. I flushed when all eyes were on me, but then realized no one gave a shit. They were all having fun – most of them were mildly tipsy already from their private smuggled-in drinks – and were just having a good time with me.